Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 14:51

they are clearly not around to help

And unfortunately neither is OP.

diddl · 31/12/2020 14:51

@Greenfingeredsue

I know she has no one else to ask, but I just can’t do this anymore.
Is there no father or GPs on his side, friends or other family?

Is father's wife who works full time really the only option?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2020 14:52

Where are the children's father(s), her mother, any SAH siblings or friends?

How old are the children and/or do they have special needs? Are they old enough to be plunked down in front of a TV (not optimal I know) or games console and entertain themselves? I'm assuming not.

Where I live you can't be sacked for Covid-related childcare issues. They don't have to pay you if you take 'family leave', but you can't be sacked. I'm surprised the UK doesn't have the same policy.

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 14:53

I also believe you can ask to be furloughed for childcare reasons, would this not be an option for your DSD?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2020 14:54

I know this is probably not allowed under Covid, but could you pay a nanny or even a local young person to watch the children, either in your home or your SD's?

FestiveFruitloop · 31/12/2020 14:56

@flattyres

She needs to look after herself first.

we know nothing of her circumstances other that saying she is exhausted as she is not responding. Tell me of someone who isn't exhausted.

I suspect the OP just doesn't like the stepdaughter.

@flattyres and I suspect you're projecting.

Of course OP isn't obligated to run herself into the ground providing childcare for other people. Self-care is important too. Why should she reduce herself to a worn-out frazzle just because other people are too selfish/manipulative to respect her time?

Would you be making the same judgements if OP were a man?

Sapphire387 · 31/12/2020 14:57

I would be inclined to help for a few days while your SD gets alternative childcare into place.

ilikemethewayiam · 31/12/2020 14:57

OP is not free to look after her SD’s children, she works! What’s difficult to understand about that? If SD cannot look after her own children which she brought into the world and are her responsibility, then the children’s father is next in line, if he’s not free then, grandparents are next in line and so on! SM is not related to these children therefore has no obligation other than goodwill if she can. Her SD is a CF for assuming her own job being at risk is more important than putting her SM’s job at risk. DH Is a double CF for volunteering OP! I would be having serious words with both of them. They both clearly think OP’s job is trivial and expendable! How insulting!

Circumlocutious · 31/12/2020 14:58

It’s a shitty situation all round, but if you and your husband refused her help now and she loses her job, then it’s understandable if she’s fucked off at you both and won’t stomach seeing you for a long time.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 31/12/2020 14:59

Some posters seem to think the OP's job is less important than the step daughters. I work from home and there's no way I'd be looking after DH's grandchildren!

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 15:01

@Circumlocutious

It’s a shitty situation all round, but if you and your husband refused her help now and she loses her job, then it’s understandable if she’s fucked off at you both and won’t stomach seeing you for a long time.
It is absolutely not understandable to be fucked off that another person didn't put their own job at serious risk and work through the night in order to help you with childcare for your own children...

Unfortunately family members still have to work and their work is just as important as yours. You can't expect people to risk that nor is it reasonable to be 'fucked off' with them if they won't.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 31/12/2020 15:01

‘It’s a shitty situation all round, but if you and your husband refused her help now and she loses her job, then it’s understandable if she’s fucked off at you both and won’t stomach seeing you for a long time.’

And if OP loses her job? Hmm

Still not OP’s problem. The stepdaughter’s children are her responsibly, not OP’s.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/12/2020 15:01

Depends on the ages, hours worked, who paid the bills etc.

I’d be really cross with my DH if he could do it with some juggling but said he wouldn’t as was tired so my daughter and grandchildren would lose their income.. I’m all for parents sorting their own childcare usually but this is a pandemic and families should pull together in these times. It’s only for a short period.

AIMD · 31/12/2020 15:01

I feel for you bony. Can’t be nice having people cross boundaries to try and take more from you than you want to give. Equally it must be hard for her to manage a job and childcare while being a single parent.

Difficult all around but of course at the end of the day they are her children and you are within you right to say you can’t/won’t care for them.

She needs to talk to her employer about options such as using annual leave, parental leave unpaid leave etc. Maybe you and or Dah could help in others ways (if you are willing) eg by giving childcare for a few hours in the eve if she can work in the eve rather than day. Helping financially if she takes unpaid leave etc.

AIMD · 31/12/2020 15:02

Both not bony

OhCaptain · 31/12/2020 15:03

Why on earth would she be justified in being fucked off because OP has to work?

Circumlocutious · 31/12/2020 15:04

Well I guess it’s fine as long as they don’t say oh no, you’ve lost your job and you’re a single mum...let us know what we can do to help.

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 15:04

Depends on the ages, hours worked, who paid the bills etc.

No. It doesn't.

OP has already specified that her job will be at risk if she does this and that previously in order to help she has had to work through the night to catch up. That is not just some minor juggling about.

If her Dad wants to help, he needs to find a way to actually help himself. I.e. paying for childcare.

What do bills have to do with it? So basically if OP earns less than her DH her job should be considered expendable?

How entitled are some people ffs?!

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 31/12/2020 15:04

I’d be really cross with my DH if he could do it with some juggling but said he wouldn’t as was tired so my daughter and grandchildren would lose their income.. I’m all for parents sorting their own childcare usually but this is a pandemic and families should pull together in these times. It’s only for a short period.

So the OP should work all hours to make up the times she's lost looking after the kids? She says she has deadlines to meet!

I'm fed up with people and companies expecting people to work longer hours just because we are working from home.

user686833 · 31/12/2020 15:04

What the hell, why did you have to call her up and tell her you couldn't do it? Your husband volunteered you without asking you, it was his mess to sort. I thought you were not being unreasonable but also that I would just suck it up if it were me given the current circumstances, but then I found out you are supposed to be working from home alongside. What exactly does the step daughter do that isn't a key worker job and isn't from home? Can't she work from home too?

PerveenMistry · 31/12/2020 15:05

@22Giraffes

Yes it is hard work but I would do it, she's a single parent in a tough situation and if I could alleviate that then I would.

It's not the OP's doing that someone got themselves into a single parent situation. Where is the child's other parent? Why can't its mother team up with another single parent and work opposite shifts? Or get an au pair. There are solutions that don't involve the OP.

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 15:06

Some posters seem to think the OP's job is less important than the step daughters. I work from home and there's no way I'd be looking after DH's grandchildren!

It’s not that her job is less important, however some jobs have a degree of flexibility involved which means that working from home whilst providing childcare is entirely possible - millions of parents and grandparents have spent the bulk of this year doing exactly that.

It’s hard work and not ideal and we’re all feeling frayed but it’s been a reality for many.

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 15:06

@Circumlocutious

Well I guess it’s fine as long as they don’t say oh no, you’ve lost your job and you’re a single mum...let us know what we can do to help.
They could say 'we'll do what we can to help'.

That doesn't always have to equal risking losing your own job to provide childcare all week. As a PP said above, her parents help in other ways, picking up groceries and so on.

The OP is not available to help in this particular way. It's no one's fault. It's shit. But OP can't just be expected to jeopardize her own job?

You take what help is available from those offering it. Sometimes what they are able to offer isn't exactly what we could do with but that's not the person offerings fault!

KarlUrbansWife · 31/12/2020 15:07

Lots of you seem to have missed the point that OP has a job and is currently working from home. As a parent of young children myself who wfh with them around from March to September, I can assure you it is no picnic. Both my husband and
I shared the load equally and we BOTH worked til late every night to be able to deliver our workload and look after/homeschool the kids.
It's a really, really tough situation for the step-daughter, but if the OP is already exhausted,having to work all hours to look after children and keep her job is going to be too much.

Lampzade · 31/12/2020 15:07

Look
Op is WFH and is exhausted.
She cannot look after her stepdaughter’s kids.
No ifs, buts or whats.
The end

Swipe left for the next trending thread