AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

[Greenfingeredsue]

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

Oh dear, apologies! I meant the SD's dad obviously.

Hopefully your DH and his DD are getting a clear message now.

@Greenfingeredsue

He wants me to come home. I’m going to stay with my mum until the schools are up and running again.

It is sad you have to hide out and your daughter threaten social services, your partner really is going to suffer having to fend for himself. It seems your step daughter rules the roost in your extended family, glad it has come to a head now.

[quote Mittens030869]@MzHz

Yes she could take annual or unpaid leave. But why the assumption that her parents are available to look after her DC? Or the DC's father? The OP said herself that there wasn't anyone else. Not everyone has family on tap whom they could ask. We don't. My DM is fairly local, but she's 81 and understandably keen to avoid Covid risk. Even before that she was busy with her own life.

Or if her parents are in her life, they could live some distance away. Or she might be NC or low contact.

I've found it very strange, the number of posters who keep insisting that the SD must have her parents on the scene. It's surely not that uncommon for that not to be possible?

Re the DC's father, there are enough Mumsnet threads about this to demonstrate that fathers are by no means always on the scene!. Any good dad would be absolutely horrified at their DC being left on the doorstep of someone else's house!

And babysitters? We're in a pandemic so that isn't so easy now either.

And no, I'm not saying that the OP should step in, or her DD. The SD needs to do what everyone else does in these circumstances. Stay at home on annual/unpaid leave. The kids will be back in school soon (hopefully) so it's only a temporary measure.

[/quote]
But the thing is, you ask someone if they can help and they say ‘no, can’t help’

You don’t insist! You ask someone else and keep looking. You don’t dump your kids on an empty doorstep.

Pandemic or no pandemic, there ARE sitters available.

Op knows this person, her dd knows this person, this person - dsd - is entitled and has form for dumping her kids

Op said no. That’s absolutely her prerogative

I was a lone parent, I have no parents, ds dad is being the test that he is somewhere, no idea where. I’d be in similar situation to dsd, but I’d not behave like her. No decent person would be.

If your husband has already said yes and she has to be at work I would do it this time so she’s not completely fucked and stress that it will be the last time as you have your own work to do

@MzHz

I was a lone parent, I have no parents, ds dad is being the test that he is somewhere, no idea where. I’d be in similar situation to dsd, but I’d not behave like her. No decent person would be.

Note my last paragraph. I agree that the SD was in the wrong! Of course she shouldn't have insisted and I've never said otherwise.

What I was objecting to was the assumption that she must surely have a mother who she could ask or other family members. This appears not to be the case.

So she's dumped the kids before? What happened after she did that?

Honestly, the whole situation is just ridiculous. You shouldn't have to run away to avoid being lumbered with someone else's kids. Jesus!

@3u33y

If your husband has already said yes and she has to be at work I would do it this time so she’s not completely fucked and stress that it will be the last time as you have your own work to do

Do catch up.

StepD has form for dumping the kids and running. Step D has form for demanding other people provide free childcare even when they are working themselves.

OP's Husband appears to have form for catering to his daughter AND volunteering OP without her permission and in fact her express 'no' to providing childcare.

3u33y rtft!

I am a single mum and my nearest family is 550 miles away. my opinion FWIW is this
If she has a job where she required to work (SD) during the pandemic she has 2 options for paid childcare

1. Childminder
2. School/ nursery

Which of a single mum will likely be paid 75% by tax/credits If she is unable to access these then she should furlough and claim full entitlement until she is able to return to work. She cannot be sacked for this as it is because of the pandemic. The employer would be breaking employment law. The SM has a right to say NO and the partner should not have volunteered on her behalf however I feel 2 things are important,

1. If the SM has previous stated ‘don’t worry about childcare I can just drop them here if you need to’ and how now backtracked it seems a little unfair on SD to do this, she could have allowed her a week or 2 to sort childcare out.
2. If it has never been the case that SM has agreed to advocate childcare and SD just expects it then that is CF and I completely agree with SM.

The problem here is that the SM hasn’t been very clear to the whole circumstances and a lot of this is relying on us filling in the blanks. I hope no one takes this the wrong way or is offended as that is not my intention I’m just trying to see it from the daughters POV. I will say though that when my mum visits me I do tend to pick up a shift or 2 to get some extra money however this is agreed I. Advance with my mum and if she said no I wouldn’t dream of just doing it anyway and leaving her with my kids.

Trying to catch up but 30 pages is a lot and for 10 of those OP hasn’t responded so forgive me

@pinkyredrose

3u33y rtft!

Don’t know what rtft means sorry

@3u33y
It means 'read the full thread'.

You can just read the OP's post you know.

Don’t know what rtft means sorry

Read the fucking thread!

If she is unable to access these then she should furlough

it's not up to the SD to decide to go on furlough . the employer needs to agree and many refused to put employees on furlough. it's not as simple.

If you click on 'see All', at the bottom of the OP's first post, it will show you only the OP's replies on this thread. (21 posts) If you only read OP's 21 posts, it will give her posts only and that's all you really need.

Yanbu op and I cant believe anyone would say otherwise. There is obviously a backstory and cheeky fuckery on the part of your dh and dsd.

I think reappraisal of the relationship will be on the cards after this regardless of what happens.

It's a shame you felt you had to move out of your home though. But dont give in to them.

As far as Im aware pre nups are still not legally binding in the UK so I find that comment from the OP a bit odd. .

A judge may be persuaded to take them into account but I wouldn't bank on it.

I've seen this a lot, men who have kids or grandkids and insist their wives - who are not related to these offspring - will look after them, while they do nothing but offer them up as unpaid childcare.

Absolutely say no. You are no one's unpaid childcare.

Thankyou, I’m new and didn’t realise I could do that. Apologies for fluffing feathers

They may be in Scotland where they are valid and enforceable

@Greenfingeredsue

He wants me to come home. I’m going to stay with my mum until the schools are up and running again.

I have to say - I don't know you - but I am sooooo proud of you - stay with your mum as long as you need to - I bet you're having a much better time there in any event.

GOOD for you - I mean that sincerely.

My husband was the one who insisted on a pre-nup, so I believe he will find it difficult to overturn. I will be taking advice on that this week.