AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

[Greenfingeredsue]

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

I am at her leaving DCs and running off! Does she struggle with her mental health? It is the only thing I can think of that would explain that. If so, surely school would have them as it would make them vulnerable no?

@Greenfingeredsue What has your husband said now you have left for a while? Does he understand now that he was out of order?

SD daughter won’t do this. She knows my daughter will simply take the kids to my SDs workplace and give them back to her.

No my SD has no mental health problems. She is as arrogant as her father and thinks HER childcare problems are everyone else’s problem, and that her job is more important than mine.

He wants me to come home. I’m going to stay with my mum until the schools are up and running again.

Why can't your SD request annual leave or unpaid leave?

Not an overreaction when her husband and stepdaughter have both totally failed to respect her boundaries and indeed tried to stomp all over them.

She’s not ‘selfish’, ‘immature’ and ‘inflexible’ in not wanting to provide childcare. Her husband and stepdaughter on the other hand, are monumentally entitled, cheeky fuckers. The DH, rather than volunteer his wife, needs to volunteer himself if he cares that much.

@Figgygal wtf.

The OP is working. She was asked and said no. DH and DSD totally ignored her. DSD has history for dumping and running. So only real solution is to not be there and work elsewhere.

I cannot see how anyone would think the OP has done anything wrong. Unless you are thé very entitled DSD?

You have not acted unreasonably OP and neither has your daughter.
But I say again, - poor children.

Very little compassion shown to them by a mother who knocks on a door and runs off. How dreadful for them to be left on a doorstep feeling unwanted.

She also said if she brings them round and knocks on the door and runs, (which she has done in the past) she will call social services.

I understand she is desperate but that is so out of order. It sounds like she has form for taking advantage and you’re not the only one who’s had enough.

@Figgygal

I get it’s not your problem but This whole dynamic sounds deeply dysfunctional just moving to your mums? Bit of an overreaction no? you sound inflexible, immature and pretty selfish tbh

If you get it’s not OP’s problem, then why is she inflexible, immature and selfish?

She also said if she brings them round and knocks on the door and runs, (which she has done in the past) she will call social services.

that is not OK at all by the SD but I guess it also shows a huge level of desperation. OP said SD will lose her job if she doesn't find childcare. I guess SD is just absolutely desperate to keep her job esp as she is a lone parent. I don't have the solution but I do understand both sides to some extend.

@LAMPS1 - I agree, poor children. What a home life .

It's a shame this wasn't sorted out earlier in the holidays and it got to this awful showdown, but what's done is done. OP you absolutely need to be able to work. Your SD can't be the only one in this terrible situation - surely she knows other parents at the kids' school etc? Your OH and SD need to have a constructive conversation about this. With your OH being 100% clear about what your household can offer, which may include eg 1 day p/w with him taking over I day's worth of extra chores when he's not at work , if you feel that is reasonable. If he isn't prepared to arrange things on your terms and 100% with your agreement first though, you obviously have a bigger problem.

@notachocoholic

She also said if she brings them round and knocks on the door and runs, (which she has done in the past) she will call social services.

that is not OK at all by the SD but I guess it also shows a huge level of desperation. OP said SD will lose her job if she doesn't find childcare. I guess SD is just absolutely desperate to keep her job esp as she is a lone parent. I don't have the solution but I do understand both sides to some extend.

No it doesn’t show desparation. If she really would have been desperate, she wouldn’t have volunteered for an extra shift on new years day.

She is not desperate, she is just an entitled piss taker who really thinks her wants trump everyone else’s needs.

@candycane222 the bottom line is that OP does not want to do anymore stepDC looking after. There is no compromise to be had - and even if there was sounds like SD would just ride roughshod over it anyway.

I applaud you OP for moving in with your DM, actions speak louder than words. Unfortunately I can't see your relationship moving forward constructively from here as your DP and SDD both sound like entitled idiots.

Unbelievable
Sounds like you have put up with far too much nonsense.

Staying with your mother is a good idea.

You need a bit of distance to perhaps appreciate how badly you have been treated.

I wouldn't bank on a man like yours caring for you when you get older.

He sounds like a user.

Very little compassion shown to them by a mother who knocks on a door and runs off. How dreadful for them to be left on a doorstep feeling unwanted.

^This. Your DD would absolutely be doing the right thing if she calls SS in those circumstances, as this is very definitely a safeguarding issue.

She is as arrogant as her father and thinks HER childcare problems are everyone else’s problem, and that her job is more important than mine.

Both @Greenfingeredsue and her own dd are in agreement here, and as they both know the playwrs here, I’d say that’s pretty clear that the doorstep dumping shows entitlement and not desperation. She could book a sitter, she could take emergency leave or, like, ask her parents, the kids dad, the kids grandparents, or as she’s single, she could form a childcare bubble.

Why does h want you home @Greenfingeredsue? To get you back in line, put you back into service?

He knows where you are, if he misses you he could come visit...

I’m sorry, I know you said you didn’t want to kick out an nhs worker worker etc etc, but if he moved in with his dd, perhaps he could solve at least her issues while solving one of yours; getting an entitled prick out from under your feet.

Good on you.
Stay at your mum's, well away from him and from her.

@MzHz

Yes she could take annual or unpaid leave. But why the assumption that her parents are available to look after her DC? Or the DC's father? The OP said herself that there wasn't anyone else. Not everyone has family on tap whom they could ask. We don't. My DM is fairly local, but she's 81 and understandably keen to avoid Covid risk. Even before that she was busy with her own life.

Or if her parents are in her life, they could live some distance away. Or she might be NC or low contact.

I've found it very strange, the number of posters who keep insisting that the SD must have her parents on the scene. It's surely not that uncommon for that not to be possible?

Re the DC's father, there are enough Mumsnet threads about this to demonstrate that fathers are by no means always on the scene!. Any good dad would be absolutely horrified at their DC being left on the doorstep of someone else's house!

And babysitters? We're in a pandemic so that isn't so easy now either.

And no, I'm not saying that the OP should step in, or her DD. The SD needs to do what everyone else does in these circumstances. Stay at home on annual/unpaid leave. The kids will be back in school soon (hopefully) so it's only a temporary measure.

Correction. Of course the OP's dad is on the scene. But he didn't offer to babysit, did he? He volunteered his DW instead, who was working and finally said no.

The SD's mum clearly isn't a option, though, for whatever reason.

“Correction. Of course the OP's dad is on the scene. But he didn't offer to babysit, did he? He volunteered his DW instead, who was working and finally said no.”

I didn’t marry my father. :0)