Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/01/2021 13:07

[quote OhCaptain]@Greenfingeredsue he still doesn’t get it while he’s sitting there in your house.

I’d be seriously considering my next move. And by that I mean get the dickhead out of your house. He can stay with his daughter and provide childcare...[/quote]
This.

Haenow · 02/01/2021 13:08

@flattyres

Getting shopping for shielding neighbours is very kind but would you risk your career for them?

LannieDuck · 02/01/2021 13:12

What did your SD end up doing yesterday, OP? Did she cancel her shift, or was she able to find alternate childcare?

SpiderGwen · 02/01/2021 13:17

I'm glad you stuck to your guns!

BlueThistles · 02/01/2021 13:46

Good on you OP... nice to see someone stand up for what is right 🌺

LightDrizzle · 02/01/2021 13:53

It is so refreshing to see someone stick up for themselves rather than opt for martyrdom.
Well done OP 🙌🏻

billy1966 · 02/01/2021 15:07

@Greenfingeredsue

I am not kicking an NHS worker who is doing 12+ hours out of my house. However, I have told him that I am reconsidering our relationship and will be calling time on it unless he bucks his ideas up.

And that if he tries to overturn our pre-nup for half the house, I will try for half of his assets. He will be the loser.

Good for you.

Mind you, I wouldn't be placing my long term trust in someone who has so little regard for you.
Protect yourself.Flowers

Daleksatemyshed · 02/01/2021 15:12

Well @Greenfingeredsue I hope you're getting up to date with your work and having a nice time with your DM. I think you've had a bad time on this thread, all the posts saying you should still help because she's a single Mother and you're her SM even though you're worn out. I don't understand why so many people don't understand, WFH is just that, working and your employers expect you to be doing just that. I can only presume your DH is another one suffering from divorced DF guilt, yes, he should put his DC first but not by treating you as the unpaid help

Minky37 · 02/01/2021 15:42

[quote rookiemere]@flattyres schools may have gone back for the autumn term, but I still feel permanently scarred from the memory of trying to get DS 13 to do school work and do my full on wfh job. It all feels pretty recent to me.[/quote]
Yes to this 👏🏻 you’ve got to have a pretty well self motivated teenager to buckle down and get on with self studying. These are few and far between in my opinion. Combine that with ability to access the work, work being sent on different apps and format, no ability to print, kids needing advice / help on the subject which I can’t provide, work being sent in Microsoft office applications so we can’t edit / save etc.
Damn near tipped me over the edge earlier this year trying to supervise 2 teenage kids who are supposed to be remote learning and working FT from home myself.

C0NNIE · 02/01/2021 18:11

Damn near tipped me over the edge earlier this year trying to supervise 2 teenage kids who are supposed to be remote learning and working FT from home myself

Glad it’s not just me then Blush

KarlUrbansWife · 02/01/2021 18:17

@C0NNIE

Damn near tipped me over the edge earlier this year trying to supervise 2 teenage kids who are supposed to be remote learning and working FT from home myself

Glad it’s not just me then Blush

Definitley not just you! All the working parents I know have really struggled this year, including us. It's been absolute hell.
pelosi · 02/01/2021 19:35

What happened OP, did DSD turn up with the kids?

Mittens030869 · 02/01/2021 19:38

The OP went away to her mum's house and blocked her SD. And she may well have blocked her DH as well. So I suspect she doesn't know and doesn't care either. (Which is hardly surprising in view of how they've treated her.)

llovetheshippingforecast · 02/01/2021 19:43

I think the thing that depresses me the most about this thread is the posters like 'flattyres' who seem to think the OP needs an 'excuse' not to look after her SD kids.. having been volunteered to do so by her partner .

Do you HONESTLY believe that just because she is WFH (and female) that this is an automatic default position for the OP - just because she is the partner of this entitled daughters father ?

To be brutally honest - it's all irrelevant. OP doesn't need an 'excuse' . She could be waltzing around in silk pyjamas all day filing her nails and watching Netflix. She STILL isn't obliged to do childcare that she HASN'T Agreed to ! !

LolaSmiles · 02/01/2021 20:20

To be brutally honest - it's all irrelevant. OP doesn't need an 'excuse' . She could be waltzing around in silk pyjamas all day filing her nails and watching Netflix. She STILL isn't obliged to do childcare that she HASN'T Agreed to ! !
Very very well said.
There's an awful lot of women who are foot soldiers in the patriarchy's army.
Isn't it sad that we're going into 2021 with women arguing fellow women should fall in line and do childcare for other people because their job doesn't matter.

QueenofDestruction · 02/01/2021 20:56

My sister's MIL is lovely but said when they got married,I will be happy to spend time with any grandchildren but do not expect any childcare from me as I brought up my children and this is my time, and you know what she is right.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2021 21:59

@Greenfingeredsue

I am not kicking an NHS worker who is doing 12+ hours out of my house. However, I have told him that I am reconsidering our relationship and will be calling time on it unless he bucks his ideas up.

And that if he tries to overturn our pre-nup for half the house, I will try for half of his assets. He will be the loser.

Good for you.

As I understand it pre-nups are not enforceable in the UK (if that's where you are). They're a 'guideline' but not a 'rule'. If I were you I'd be getting my tiny-hiney to a solicitor right away to find out exactly where you stand legally. His assets may be treated differently than his 'primary residence' aka 'the marital home'. Forewarned is forearmed.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2021 22:11

@QueenofDestruction

My sister's MIL is lovely but said when they got married,I will be happy to spend time with any grandchildren but do not expect any childcare from me as I brought up my children and this is my time, and you know what she is right.
My mum told me the same thing regarding 'full time' childcare and I was in full agreement with her. She was wonderful about days here and there or when DH and I wanted to go somewhere, as many grandparents are. And she always asked to have them for a week or so during summer to give the kids a break from summer day camp. But I was very careful not to take advantage and I certainly never expected it as a 'right' or that she should rearrange her life to accommodate me.

OP is well within her rights to refuse to watch a grandchild, whether step- or 'own'. And no one has a right to 'volunteer' anyone for anything.

CarpeVitam · 02/01/2021 22:33

@Greenfingeredsue

I am not kicking an NHS worker who is doing 12+ hours out of my house. However, I have told him that I am reconsidering our relationship and will be calling time on it unless he bucks his ideas up.

And that if he tries to overturn our pre-nup for half the house, I will try for half of his assets. He will be the loser.

I love your belief in yourself and your inner strength OP. Routing for you Thanks
justasking111 · 02/01/2021 22:51

I have seen posts like this where it was granny who could not cope and they received, support, flowers, etc. Are step grandmothers akin to the wicked witch of the north??

MzHz · 02/01/2021 23:04

Isn't it sad that we're going into 2021 with women arguing fellow women should fall in line and do childcare for other people because their job doesn't matter.

We’d come so very far, yet here we are, when one single year, 9 pathetic months, seeks to undo the whole fucking lot.

  1. Here we are in 20 fucking 21 and we’re pushed back down ‘in our place’ and worse some of those pushing us back down are women.
MzHz · 02/01/2021 23:05

@justasking111

I have seen posts like this where it was granny who could not cope and they received, support, flowers, etc. Are step grandmothers akin to the wicked witch of the north??
In a MnNutshell... yes. Sadly
soopedup · 02/01/2021 23:18

Your DH is out of order here

Original poster
Greenfingeredsue · 03/01/2021 09:28

Step daughter has been trying to get my daughter to help her. She is also working from home, and says she told her to look after her own children. She also said if she brings them round and knocks on the door and runs, (which she has done in the past) she will call social services.

OP posts:
notachocoholic · 03/01/2021 09:33

what do you think social services will do?