Page 27 | AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

Greenfingeredsue · 2020-12-31T12:56:16+00:00

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 02/01/2021 08:54

The children being older does not mean they are necessarily well behaved, quiet, or respectful of OP’s need to work.

flattyres · 02/01/2021 09:15

The children being older does not mean they are necessarily well behaved, quiet, or respectful of OP’s need to work.

well, the OP never let out any info on the children, ages, possible SN. An 11 year old without SN will need minimal supervision.

I also wondered when the OP recently looked after them so much given that schools went back in September.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 02/01/2021 09:28

@flattyres

The children being older does not mean they are necessarily well behaved, quiet, or respectful of OP’s need to work.

well, the OP never let out any info on the children, ages, possible SN. An 11 year old without SN will need minimal supervision.

I also wondered when the OP recently looked after them so much given that schools went back in September.

But... she's exhausted and it's detrimental to her health and her work. But sod that surely she can still do it eh?

This thread is so depressing. The op said no (having helped out as much as she could) and was ignored and emotionally blackmailed. And this thread has pretty much mirrored that.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 02/01/2021 09:29

well, the OP never let out any info on the children, ages, possible SN. An 11 year old without SN will need minimal supervision.

I also wondered when the OP recently looked after them so much given that schools went back in September.

...because she’s not obligated to give any info? She doesn’t want to provide child care, she doesn’t have to. That’s the bottom line.

flattyres · 02/01/2021 09:41

...because she’s not obligated to give any info? She doesn’t want to provide child care, she doesn’t have to. That’s the bottom line.

100% agree but then she can just say so o stead of creating excuses. She is not obliged to help and I don't argue that point but if the SD will lose her job and the children would require minimal supervision (we don't have the facts of that is the case or not), then I think it is pretty shoddy not to help.

I find this thread depressing in a way as so many people justify not helping a single mum in that case even though it may have been doable. It has been a hell of a year for many and sometimes, a little kindness flies a long way.

I am a lone parents to a child with complex needs and worked all through the lockdown despite not having a school place and no support networks. It nearly broke me but I still tried to help others who needed support. I did e.g. the shopping for 3 shielding neighbours who didn't have support themselves. Maybe I just tick differently. If I can make a difference for someone - even if it is exhausting for me, then I try to help.

as I said, the OP said she helped so much and it left her exhausted. But then kids sent back to school on September. if she simply doesn't want to help, then she can just say so. but I found the general tone of egoism and looking after oneself whilst happily shafting someone else on this thread depressing esp everything going on 2020 and how hard some families have been hit.

Theunamedcat · 02/01/2021 09:41

@ThePriceIsNotRight

well, the OP never let out any info on the children, ages, possible SN. An 11 year old without SN will need minimal supervision.

I also wondered when the OP recently looked after them so much given that schools went back in September.

...because she’s not obligated to give any info? She doesn’t want to provide child care, she doesn’t have to. That’s the bottom line.

My eldest son has been in and out of secondary school like a flipping yoyo since September I barely got my presents wrapped he was out for two weeks and back for three days then out gor two weeks again if I had been working it would have been a nightmare

rookiemere · 02/01/2021 09:42

@flattyres schools may have gone back for the autumn term, but I still feel permanently scarred from the memory of trying to get DS 13 to do school work and do my full on wfh job. It all feels pretty recent to me.

flattyres · 02/01/2021 09:43

My eldest son has been in and out of secondary school like a flipping yoyo since September I barely got my presents wrapped he was out for two weeks and back for three days then out gor two weeks again if I had been working it would have been a nightmare

we don't know how often she looked after the children recently and a neurotypical secondary school child will not need a log of supervision and usually can stay at home unsupervised.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 02/01/2021 09:48

OP is working. Even if she wanted to help, she is working. She has clearly cared for the children before and found herself unable to work. Age isn’t necessarily indicative of temperament, the children being older does not mean they don’t disturb OP who has found herself falling behind at work.

Of course OP should look after herself and not risk losing her job in order to be childcare. They are not her children and not her responsibility. The husband and stepfather have proven themselves to be monumentally cheeky fuckers in their sheer entitlement, stomping all over OP’s boundaries and refusing to take ‘no’ for an answer. OP would be a fool to help them.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 02/01/2021 09:49

*the husband and stepdaughter

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 02/01/2021 09:52

@flattyres

...because she’s not obligated to give any info? She doesn’t want to provide child care, she doesn’t have to. That’s the bottom line.

100% agree but then she can just say so o stead of creating excuses. She is not obliged to help and I don't argue that point but if the SD will lose her job and the children would require minimal supervision (we don't have the facts of that is the case or not), then I think it is pretty shoddy not to help.

I find this thread depressing in a way as so many people justify not helping a single mum in that case even though it may have been doable. It has been a hell of a year for many and sometimes, a little kindness flies a long way.

I am a lone parents to a child with complex needs and worked all through the lockdown despite not having a school place and no support networks. It nearly broke me but I still tried to help others who needed support. I did e.g. the shopping for 3 shielding neighbours who didn't have support themselves. Maybe I just tick differently. If I can make a difference for someone - even if it is exhausting for me, then I try to help.

as I said, the OP said she helped so much and it left her exhausted. But then kids sent back to school on September. if she simply doesn't want to help, then she can just say so. but I found the general tone of egoism and looking after oneself whilst happily shafting someone else on this thread depressing esp everything going on 2020 and how hard some families have been hit.

But. It. Wasnt. Doable.

The ops career was being put at risk because she couldn't work. She was staying up till midnight to get work done.

This to me suggests the children need more than minimal care.

Besides which she DID help. She helped till she was at breaking point.

I think you're imprinting your own situation and frustrations on the op.

It's really emotionally fuckwitty to say oh I must be different to other people as I'd bust a gut to help. The op has. Is she expected to lose her job to help the sd?

C0NNIE · 02/01/2021 10:01

That's why the OP is being expected to put her own career behind: her step daughter, the child's father, her step daughter's father, stepdaughter's mother, any family from the child's father's side. Women who work from home couldn't possibly have a meaningful job to be getting on with

This. Some of the views here are very misogynistic.

inanotherlifetimeok · 02/01/2021 11:15

It really doesn't matter if any of you agree with OP or not at the end of the day it's her decision! However I fully agree and I think @C0NNIE has hit the nail on the head.

.....and, Op is working!!!!
Terrible she's had to leave her own home to get away from this bunch of abusive assholes.

Original poster

Greenfingeredsue · 02/01/2021 11:16

Good morning.

I am not going into details about this situation. None of it is the childrens’ fault and they don’t deserve to have people on the internet knowing who they are.

OP posts:

flattyres · 02/01/2021 11:17

None of it is the childrens’ fault and they don’t deserve to have people on the internet knowing who they are.

Original poster

Greenfingeredsue · 02/01/2021 11:23

Details mean that someone local, could know who the children are.

I’m not angry with them, I’m angry with my partner (who still doesn’t see what he’s done wrong) and my step-daughter.

OP posts:

badacorn · 02/01/2021 11:25

@flattyres I presume you missed the part where op said her own job is at risk if she keeps providing childcare at the same time?

MzHz · 02/01/2021 11:34

If the kids were teens they’d be alone at home and probably wouldn’t even notice their dm is out

If op is saying constantly interruptions and the school is shut, they’re not likely to be secondary ages

Op was asked, said no,
Was ignored and overruled
Op rang SD and told her she couldn’t do it
Was ignored

I don’t blame her at all, she tried. She really did, and whatever happened yesterday or next week is all on her sd and her supposed partner

@Greenfingeredsue I seriously think time needs to be called on your partner, he has zero respect for you, your home, your life, your job, your future.

2020isalmosthindsight · 02/01/2021 12:07

@Greenfingeredsue

Details mean that someone local, could know who the children are.

I’m not angry with them, I’m angry with my partner (who still doesn’t see what he’s done wrong) and my step-daughter.

Don't blame you at all.

This is entirely about your partner and step daughter; not the children.

And it must be incredibly frustrating and infuriating that he still doesn't get it, even after you've had to leave your own home to do your work. How dare he put you in this position, frankly. How dare he

OhCaptain · 02/01/2021 12:11

@Greenfingeredsue he still doesn’t get it while he’s sitting there in your house.

I’d be seriously considering my next move. And by that I mean get the dickhead out of your house. He can stay with his daughter and provide childcare...

TheShepherdsCrown · 02/01/2021 12:22

[quote OhCaptain]**@Greenfingeredsue he still doesn’t get it while he’s sitting there in your house.

I’d be seriously considering my next move. And by that I mean get the dickhead out of your house. He can stay with his daughter and provide childcare...[/quote]
@OhCaptain sums it up perfectly.

@Greenfingeredsue you are not being treated as his wife or partner. You are a cushy number for this man, a nurse with a purse. You provided the house. You work. You have already taken care of his daughter’s children to the detriment of your work and your health. He is happy for you to lose your job to look after his grandchildren. You lose that job in these days it will be difficult to find another. I don’t know how old you are but it could be tricky to get back into your career and you could damage your own pension contributions too. If this smug idle cocklodger wants to help his daughter he needs to do the grunt work, or pay for childcare for her.

Original poster

Greenfingeredsue · 02/01/2021 12:23

I am not kicking an NHS worker who is doing 12+ hours out of my house. However, I have told him that I am reconsidering our relationship and will be calling time on it unless he bucks his ideas up.

And that if he tries to overturn our pre-nup for half the house, I will try for half of his assets. He will be the loser.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2021 12:24

As your partner doesnt get what he's done wrong, I'd listen to what he's telling you here.

He's telling you that he thinks he's superior to you, that childcare is woman's work, that he's sexist, that he 'owns' you (in that he offered your services without asking).

That he's oblivious to this, makes it worse, as these are traits inherent in him.

Personally, I'd rather be single than with someone like that, but that's up to you.

Theunamedcat · 02/01/2021 12:30

@flattyres

My eldest son has been in and out of secondary school like a flipping yoyo since September I barely got my presents wrapped he was out for two weeks and back for three days then out gor two weeks again if I had been working it would have been a nightmare

we don't know how often she looked after the children recently and a neurotypical secondary school child will not need a log of supervision and usually can stay at home unsupervised.

My secondary child isn't stereotypical my point really was about the schools opening and closing with little notice

funinthesun19 · 02/01/2021 12:45

How ridiculous. Even if the op wasn’t working for whatever reason, I still think it’s a lot of ask of someone to commit to looking after someone else’s children. It’s the commitment to so much time that bothers me. It’s the complete lack of respect for the OP’s time and life.
And then people have said, “Oh, now I know you’re working I’m on your side”. So basically if she wasn’t working for whatever reason she’s wouldn’t have any viable reason to say no. That doesn’t make your opinion of the op any better.

I wouldn’t expect my parents to commit to looking after my children because it’s not their responsibility. My dad and stepmum put in so much effort with my children and they do look after them often, but that’s because they offer. Not because I emotionally blackmail them over the phone. They would not commit to every single day because they have their own lives and nor would I expect them to.