Page 26 | AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

Greenfingeredsue · 2020-12-31T12:56:16+00:00

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

MirrorMirrorO · 01/01/2021 18:43

@Zoecarter

You don’t seam like a nice person

It's okay OP. Let your SD know that nice person @Zoecarter will look after her kids next week even if she has to risk losing her job to do so.

BBCONEANDTWO · 01/01/2021 18:45

@Greenfingeredsue

Happy new everyone. Just having a coffee with my mum before I settle down and do some work.

Brilliant - good for you - you'll feel better once the report is done.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 01/01/2021 18:46

I’d try to help out as much as I could but if you get to the stage where you just can’t, then you can’t. It was wrong for your husband to volunteer you, I’d be pissed off even if she was my biological child and my husband volunteered me without speaking to me first.
If you’re really struggling and that exhausted then please also talk to your GP. Sometimes it’s best to have a break before you reach breaking point as that can be very difficult to come back from.

BBCONEANDTWO · 01/01/2021 18:50

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

I’d try to help out as much as I could but if you get to the stage where you just can’t, then you can’t. It was wrong for your husband to volunteer you, I’d be pissed off even if she was my biological child and my husband volunteered me without speaking to me first. If you’re really struggling and that exhausted then please also talk to your GP. Sometimes it’s best to have a break before you reach breaking point as that can be very difficult to come back from.

The OP has gone to stay at her mum's in order to get her work done - good for her I say - I don't know the OP but actually feel pretty proud of her for doing that.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 01/01/2021 18:58

The OP has gone to stay at her mum's in order to get her work done - good for her I say - I don't know the OP but actually feel pretty proud of her for doing that.

Yes, I saw that. Good for her. Just a shame that she’s had to move out of her own home to avoid helping out.
I was just meaning in general, if she’s struggling then to maybe speak to her GP and take a couple of weeks to herself to just rest. Life is not much fun at the moment, most of the usual things we all do to relax aren’t allowed and I think people feel the pressure to just keeping pushing through which is not always the best thing. Hopefully OP is feeling much more chilled out with her mum and her husband will be apologising.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 01/01/2021 19:01

Well as long as her Mum doesn't mind an uninvited guest coming to stay at no notice ...

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2021 19:23

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Well as long as her Mum doesn't mind an uninvited guest coming to stay at no notice ...

She doesn't mind. The OP said that. Or were you making a snide point?

OhCaptain · 01/01/2021 19:29

Of course she was being snide. Pathetic.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 01/01/2021 19:47

I didn't see where her Mum said she didn't mind actually, no. I thought I had read all the op's posts but perhaps I missed some.

But I do think it's extreme, if you are a step-mum/grandmother (not sure what the exact situation is here) to decamp to someone else's house to avoid dealing with a situation you could tackle head on. If op's husband is at fault for making promises on her behalf why isn't she at home arguing with her husband? I do accept that I might have missed something crucial in the rest of the thread and if so I apologise sincerely.

RandomUser18282 · 01/01/2021 19:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 19:54

How are you OP ? did you have a good productive uninterrupted day

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 01/01/2021 19:56

Chicchicchicchiclana

OP said:

When he goes off to work tomorrow, I’m packing a bag and going to my mum’s for a while to be able to work in piece. She says she doesn’t mind. So when daughter comes there will be no one in.

I agree with you that it seems extreme to move out of your house for this but maybe that shows how desperate OP is.

grapewine · 01/01/2021 20:11

@Chicchicchicchiclana

I didn't see where her Mum said she didn't mind actually, no. I thought I had read all the op's posts but perhaps I missed some.

But I do think it's extreme, if you are a step-mum/grandmother (not sure what the exact situation is here) to decamp to someone else's house to avoid dealing with a situation you could tackle head on. If op's husband is at fault for making promises on her behalf why isn't she at home arguing with her husband? I do accept that I might have missed something crucial in the rest of the thread and if so I apologise sincerely.

She did bring it up with her husband and had an argument over it, OP said. She needs to work and meet a deadline. If being at her mum's achieves the peace needed to do it, then that's what she should do.

Again, the husband volunteered OP without asking, and his daughter didn't listen to the no. I'd have left too.

pinkyredrose · 01/01/2021 20:33

to decamp to someone else's house to avoid dealing with a situation you could tackle head on She has!

If op's husband is at fault for making promises on her behalf why isn't she at home arguing with her husband She's done that too!

The problem is no fucker is listening to her so she's fucked off to somewhere where someone does listen to her!

SistineScreamer · 01/01/2021 20:51

I don't think what OP has done is extreme at all. What was she supposed to do? She'd said no and the step daughter still insisted that she was coming over. I'd have left the house too because no one was bloody listening to her.

OP, I hope you've been able to get some work done and feel a bit better!

billy1966 · 01/01/2021 21:17

I think the OP is a really lovely woman who has clearly put herself out massively...

However, she is not prepared to sacrifice her job...which is a really wise idea considering her husband is a right selfish fxxk.

I so hope the OP is holed OP slugging wine and so glad she's away from this mess..

Dontbeme · 01/01/2021 21:46

Honestly OP I would be using your time away to speak to a solicitor to check out how you are protected financially because your not so "d"h sounds selfish and would not be surprised to come home to find dsd and the dgc moved in to make it easier for you to provide childcare. They don't respect you and I can't see that changing.

BBCONEANDTWO · 01/01/2021 22:19

@pinkyredrose

to decamp to someone else's house to avoid dealing with a situation you could tackle head on She has!

If op's husband is at fault for making promises on her behalf why isn't she at home arguing with her husband She's done that too!

The problem is no fucker is listening to her so she's fucked off to somewhere where someone does listen to her!

Yep - for sure - I think it's great that she's buggered of to her mum's. A soft place to land is what she needed and she's got it - I'd stay at my mum's for as long as needed. It would be great if you ask me.

MrsClatterbuck · 01/01/2021 22:45

Good for you op. My DM was once very Ill in hospital and my df had to go into a home as an emergency I met someone I knew in the chemist and on hearing my situation said why don't I give up work to look after them. I was a bit Yes that would have worked affecting my pension. My DH's job was a bit precarious so that was a non starter
Fortunately I was able to retire early 5 years later due to a really good offer from my employer something I wouldn't have been able to do if I had left my job 5 years earlier. I imagine as well as not wanting to lose your job you also don't want to jeopardise your pension.

covilha · 01/01/2021 23:28

Hope you got your work completed OP and you and your Mum enjoyed each others company xx

MindyStClaire · 02/01/2021 08:09

I wonder if OP will ever tell us the ages of the children, have I missed that?

Because if we're talking four year olds, then of course OP can't babysit while she works and the SD and DP are complete CFs.

But if we're talking eleven year olds and OP is insisting she can't possibly work over the noise of the TV on in the next room, and make a couple of extra lunches then that's a very different picture. Still perfectly within OP's rights to say no, obviously, but not very generous or family minded. The SD may genuinely have no other options.

pinkyredrose · 02/01/2021 08:16

08:09MindyStClaire the ages don't matter, she's already tried looking after them and it made her exhausted and unable to work.

diddl · 02/01/2021 08:18

Op has done as much as she feels that she can.

Even if they are 11yr & could watch the telly in the next room-maybe Op has had enough of it being assumed that she can just have them?

If they are that easy to care for, then perhaps a friend or neighbour of the SD would help?

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2021 08:49

But @MindyStClaire if the children are of an age where they need no supervision so that the op could get on with her work, then they could probably stay home alone.

llovetheshippingforecast · 02/01/2021 08:53

The bottom line is this ;

It is irrelevant what job SD does
It is irrelevant what job OP does
It is irrelevant wether SD mother is alive.
It is irrelevant if SD might lose her job
It is irrelevant if OP is exhausted
It is irrelevant if OP likes or dislikes SD

NO ONE gets to volunteer someone else for ANYTHING without first securing the 'volunteers' agreement.
There is no other argument.
There is no obligation regardless of being female, wfh, family link.

OP said 'no'. Was ignored. So fucked off. Absolutely the right thing to do.