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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/01/2021 16:16

@FrostedCranberries

You are her step-mother, so I think you should step up and help. You knew what you were signing up for when marrying a man with kids.
GrinGrinGrin
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/01/2021 16:19

@FrostedCranberries

You are her step-mother, so I think you should step up and help. You knew what you were signing up for when marrying a man with kids.
When I married DH I certainly didn't 'sign up' to looking after his grandchildren! His children were adults so I didn't sign up to looking after them either.
Mittens030869 · 01/01/2021 16:19

Yes, she does have her dad, I said as much in my last post. But he clearly hasn't offered to take time off work himself, has he? He volunteered his DW, who wasn't free and is exhausted, presumably from looking after the SD's DC.

So, on this occasion, her father isn't offering her any help. We don't know whether he's helped out at other times, maybe he has. Or has he always expected his DW to step in and look after his DGC? (I suspect that's likely to be the case.)

And okay, crisis was the wrong word to use (though it might turn into one of the SD lost her job).

PerveenMistry · 01/01/2021 16:21

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Why can't you just write a bit more about your family situation, the history of this childcare you have been doing, a bit more about everyone's circumstances OP? Reading this thread is like 20 questions.

Because she doesn't need to justify her decision.

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 16:25

[quote Mittens030869]@BlueThistles

But the OP herself acknowledged that her SD had no one else to ask. For all we know, her mum could have died, or she could live a long distance away or even be toxic.

I really don't understand why so many people can't get it that not everyone has family they can turn to in a crisis. Why is that?[/quote]

But the SD didn't say her Mother had died either ... so don't know. .... we do know that it is still not OP's responsibility.. to solve this child care issue .. to the detriment of her own Job

PurpleMustang · 01/01/2021 16:26

I really don't understand people being awful to the OP. The daughter had these children with a partner, where is his help? Where are his parents help? Where is her Mother's help? Where is her Dad's (OP's partner) help? Any siblings that could help? There are a whole load of other people that should be helping before the OP as a Stepmother should be being told by her partner and his daughter that her job is not important enough for others to pitch in. Well done on putting your foot down and getting away.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 01/01/2021 16:35

@Mittens030869

Yes, she does have her dad, I said as much in my last post. But he clearly hasn't offered to take time off work himself, has he? He volunteered his DW, who wasn't free and is exhausted, presumably from looking after the SD's DC.

So, on this occasion, her father isn't offering her any help. We don't know whether he's helped out at other times, maybe he has. Or has he always expected his DW to step in and look after his DGC? (I suspect that's likely to be the case.)

And okay, crisis was the wrong word to use (though it might turn into one of the SD lost her job).

Why does the fact her dad can't/won't help mean it's all on the op?

Jesus. It'll be a crisis if the op loses her job because she's been up till midnight working to catch up because she's been volunteered for childcare.

Emotional blackmail sucks.

CoffeeCreamandSugar · 01/01/2021 16:37

I’d have left too!

Mittens030869 · 01/01/2021 16:42

But even if her mother is alive, it doesn't mean she's willing or able to help. She might live a long way away and therefore unable to help out for that reason. Or she might be toxic. Not everyone has a mother who is able to help regularly, or willing to.

Anyway, the only thing that matters is that, whatever the reason, the SD's mother isn't available to help with childcare. The OP has said that this is the case; she said there was no one else her SD could ask.

And I haven't said the OP should help out. I've said that it isn't her responsibility. She appears to have already helped out too much and is right to say no. It's possible to say that whilst also accepting that the SD genuinely has no one else to ask.

grapewine · 01/01/2021 16:46

@FrostedCranberries

You are her step-mother, so I think you should step up and help. You knew what you were signing up for when marrying a man with kids.
Seriously?

To the detriment to her own health and employment? Absolutely not.

Besides, OP has helped. Now she is saying she can't anymore. That's her right.

BenoneBeauty · 01/01/2021 16:49

I think that these current times have made things so difficult for so many people and the fall out will be felt for years. I have a lot of sympathy for the SD but ultimately completely agree with @billy1966. Hope you're ok Op and were able to get your work done without interruption and things calm down for you and you can go home again.

OuchAndOuchSomeMore · 01/01/2021 16:57

@FrostedCranberries

You are her step-mother, so I think you should step up and help. You knew what you were signing up for when marrying a man with kids.
Ahhh the age old 'you knew what you were signing up for'.

It's such a lazy fucking argument. And is often used in order to try and guilt step parents into agreeing to any sort of poor treatment thrown their way.

Fwiw, you don't 'sign up' to potentially lose your job so you can babysit for your adult step daughter just because you married her dad.

Where are all these conditions stipulated? Where is this magical list of things step parents are 'signing up for' when they marry someone? The scenarios people think step parents have 'signed up for' seems to be rather endless on here (and funnily are always ones that benefit the SP the least out of everyone involved).

BuzzingTheBee · 01/01/2021 17:02

Op, firstly make it clear to your husband he must never do this again.

Stand your ground.
We have been through hell in the last few months and are still struggling, the only family are far away and useless. Friend offered to help but has her own problems.

pinkyredrose · 01/01/2021 17:04

You are her step-mother, so I think you should step up and help. You knew what you were signing up for when marrying a man with kids

Pahahaha! Grin

Yup, always the woman's job isn't it! When was the last time a stepfather was expected to risk his job to look after his stepdaughters kids despite already trying it and finding it impossible to sustain? Oh that's right, never!

Stantons · 01/01/2021 17:09

@frostedcranberries I'm assuming your post is tongue in cheek?

wishywashywoowoo70 · 01/01/2021 17:11

@FrostedCranberries

You are her step-mother, so I think you should step up and help. You knew what you were signing up for when marrying a man with kids.
WTAF are you in about. Absolutely ridiculous thing to say.
GlowingOrb · 01/01/2021 17:18

Op, I’m really glad you protected your workday

but also frustrated that you blocked her number

MirrorMirrorO · 01/01/2021 17:19

Can we step parents get some kind of contract to read through first please so we know what it is we are actually expected to be 'signing up for'. It seems to change endlessly Grin

Zoecarter · 01/01/2021 17:51

You don’t seam like a nice person

FredWinnie · 01/01/2021 17:57

@FrostedCranberries

You are her step-mother, so I think you should step up and help. You knew what you were signing up for when marrying a man with kids.
Horse manure!

Women are not the default carers

IncyWincyGrownUp · 01/01/2021 18:05

I’ve read seven pages, and am astounded by how many people see it as the job of the OP to facilitate everybody’s career except her own.

Bonkers.

Stantons · 01/01/2021 18:12

@zoecarter why? Because she doesn't want to sacrifice her health and career for someone who doesn't care about her or them and isnt grateful and takes advantage? Really?

Sillybillypoopoomummy · 01/01/2021 18:16

Good on you. You are not his servant or hers - he clearly sees your career as less important than his. I hope you have had a peaceful and productive day.

DrDavidBanner · 01/01/2021 18:34

Always amazed at people who have kids expecting their parents / In Laws / Step Parents to do the child care. Its just rude and entitled.

LolaSmiles · 01/01/2021 18:37

IncyWincyGrownUp
I'm not astounded at all.
On another thread I said that some men have genuinely inflexible jobs but there's other men who take the piss, waste time at work, work long hours but actually spend a lot of time being quite unproductive so they can avoid household duties and then tell their spouse that they need a SAHP to run the home and look after children as they're far too busy with work. This was apparently unreasonable because it didn't matter if those men pissrd around, these poor men probably have better mental health as a result of having their spouse staying at home (with IIRC it being compared to having a personal assistant keeping everything running).

Sadly the patriarchy has done one over on women where there's countless women willing to argue that poor men cannot possibly do family things.

That's why the OP is being expected to put her own career behind: her step daughter, the child's father, her step daughter's father, stepdaughter's mother, any family from the child's father's side. Women who work from home couldn't possibly have a meaningful job to be getting on with.

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