Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenfingeredsue · 01/01/2021 11:18

@Thepriceisnotright

Dunno because I wasn’t there and I’ve blocked her number.

OP posts:
louisejxxx · 01/01/2021 11:20

I think you’ve done the right thing OP. I’d think differently if you didn’t have your own job to do...she also shouldn’t be picking up extra shifts if she has no secure childcare. Is her own mother not in the picture at all?

ThePriceIsNotRight · 01/01/2021 11:22

Good for you! @Greenfingeredsue

june2007 · 01/01/2021 11:25

Haenow She was expected to show up this was prearranged. (Though obviously op didn,t agree to it.) I do think you would act differently if it was your own daugter. It,s not veen about the childcre it,s about how you appear to be treating each other.

grapewine · 01/01/2021 11:27

I'd be rethinking my relationship. Hope you catch up on work and get some peace too.

Minky37 · 01/01/2021 11:27

Wow the fall out from this will be massive for the OP’s family. I feel sorry for everyone in the scenario, but blocking the SD was a step too far IMO.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 01/01/2021 11:30

@june2007

Haenow She was expected to show up this was prearranged. (Though obviously op didn,t agree to it.) I do think you would act differently if it was your own daugter. It,s not veen about the childcre it,s about how you appear to be treating each other.
Actually no. The op told her she couldn't do it. The sd cried at her.

So she knows op cannot do childcare.

The ops DH knows too as they had a massive row about it hence the op leaving.

Not sure why you're so determined to paint the op in a bad light. She had exhausted herself already looking after the children to the point where her work is suffering.

The sd has volunteered for additional work without getting childcare. Not sure why you don't see that as cheeky.

The op has done more than her fair share of help. She also needs to look after herself.

Hope you get all your report done today op

bluebeck · 01/01/2021 11:33

Well done OP - too many women are taken advantage of my cheeky fuckers like your DH and DSD.

I know you said the house is yours but you also said you are married - did you make particular financial provision for this before you married? Otherwise what's yours is his......

HildegardNightingale · 01/01/2021 11:35

Hope you get your report done. It’s awful you have had to move from your own home in order to get your work done.
Take care op.

WildfirePonie · 01/01/2021 11:36

So the house is yours and yet you've had to go elsewhere to work.

I would seriously reconsider staying with DH, wouldn't you prefer to live alone without all this stress?

Eryouwhat · 01/01/2021 11:38

I’m so glad my mum is my mum.

AhNowTed · 01/01/2021 11:38

Another one who think WFH isn't really work.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/01/2021 11:47

Is he a DP or a DH? You might want to look into protecting your assets.
This thread is horrible though - people talking about the SD 'randomly procreating' when we have no idea about her life or the circumstances in which she became a single mum.
She probably is being a CF, but it's probably born out of desperation to stay in work and earn money. We don't know what pressure her employer is putting on her.
If the OP is WFH then obviously she can't mind the kids too and the problem is her partner volunteering her, more than the SD who is caught between a rock and a hard place.
It's possible to agree with the OP without being nasty about the SD and her being a single parent.

Brefugee · 01/01/2021 11:49

WFH works perfectly well if those around you don't see it as wafting around in a caftan eating bon-bons and flicking through magazines.

TheShepherdsCrown · 01/01/2021 11:49

@WildfirePonie

So the house is yours and yet you've had to go elsewhere to work.

I would seriously reconsider staying with DH, wouldn't you prefer to live alone without all this stress?

This. You’ve already risked your job helping the SD previously and now she and her useless father refuse to hear the word ‘no’. They say no good deed goes unpunished. They now think they are entitled to your time regardless of your job or your own needs. You have a DH problem. I’d kick his cocklodging arse to the curb. If he’s so keen to help his daughter out he can risk his own fucking job not palm his grandchildren on to you. You’ve become a nurse with a purse. Not an equal.
2020isalmosthindsight · 01/01/2021 11:50

@Minky37

Wow the fall out from this will be massive for the OP’s family. I feel sorry for everyone in the scenario, but blocking the SD was a step too far IMO.
No, blocking was sensible. She needs to focus on her work, not listen to her phone ping with messages from a cheeky fucker who wouldn't take 'no' for an answer and volunteered to do an extra shift at work assuming she could still dump the kids on OP.

I hope OP's 'husband' is actually just her partner so it will be easier to get him out of OP's house if he can't acknowledge he's been completely in the wrong here and find a way to fix this.

You can't volunteer other people to do work. You can't. If he wanted to help his daughter with childcare, he needed to do it himself or pay someone who was available to do it. He can't insist his wife do it ... not to mention his wife was working and couldn't! Complete and utter arsehole. You can see where his daughter gets her sense of entitlement from.

Indecisivelurcher · 01/01/2021 11:52

Am I the only one thinking a lot of house hopping is going on here, what with the pandemic n all!

SpiderGwen · 01/01/2021 11:57

I hope you get your work done in peace, OP

EKGEMS · 01/01/2021 11:57

@june2007 You really take the cake-give it a rest criticizing the OP over and over again! She's helped all she can and put her own job and physical well being in jeopardy.

Xenia · 01/01/2021 11:58

(I think childcare can be done during the pandemic lawfully not that this step grandmother should be doing any; and yes she needs to be very clear on the legal position with a house in her own name but a husband who would in law have claims on it)

Stretchandsnap · 01/01/2021 11:58

I am shocked at the posters that this WFH isn’t actually working

OuchAndOuchSomeMore · 01/01/2021 11:59

@peboh

I can understand why your dh said yes. I would in that situation, because obviously it clear step daughter is struggling with work and childcare. However I get why you can't/don't want to. Not your daughter not your problem.
You would volunteer your husband without asking him when he was exhausted, had had to stay up half the night to catch up and who's own job was at risk? Really?
LittleBearPad · 01/01/2021 12:02

Good for you for standing up for yourself OP abs not letting yourself be bullied.

Enjoy the peace and your coffee.

OuchAndOuchSomeMore · 01/01/2021 12:04

@june2007

I think you are being mean to not tell her that you won,t be there. You really are leaving her in the learch. If she was coming she obviously thinks their is some agreement. No you don,t have to look after her children if you too have work but it seeems like it has been handled basdly by all involved.
Eh? How is it leaving anyone in the lurch?

She's said no. Just because the SD has decided that no means yes and is turning up anyway doesn't mean she's being left in the lurch Confused

No she probably won't get childcare on NY day. But that's not OPs problem. SD will need to take it up with her Dad who agreed his wife's time without checking with her first as to whether it was actually possible.

If SD agreed a shift based on the fact her Dad said it was fine, he is the one who's messed her around and he is the one she should be mad at and who needs to fix it.

LittleBearPad · 01/01/2021 12:05

It wouldn’t just have been next week either. The schools are shut for the next two weeks - at least. It may be more.