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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/01/2021 09:35

@hulahooper2

I would be happy to help Out my family if I could , it it doesn’t appear to be on a long term basis so I do think yabu
Op has already helped as much as she feels able & as far as we know is the only one who has helped!
diddl · 01/01/2021 09:37

@Greenfingeredsue

Yes now it is tomorrow as well as next week, because she wants to pick up an extra shift.

And yes I am packing a bag, I will be having a couple of weeks’ break from all this cheeky fuckery.

Hope you manage to have a nice time with your Mum as well as get your work done.
peboh · 01/01/2021 09:54

I can understand why your dh said yes. I would in that situation, because obviously it clear step daughter is struggling with work and childcare. However I get why you can't/don't want to. Not your daughter not your problem.

Designateddiver · 01/01/2021 10:06

CF, asking for an extra shift on a bank holiday and expecting you to do childcare to help her get double time. I can't believe how many people think you should do it all, look out for yourself because your husband and dsd clearly won't

Theunamedcat · 01/01/2021 10:07

@peboh

I can understand why your dh said yes. I would in that situation, because obviously it clear step daughter is struggling with work and childcare. However I get why you can't/don't want to. Not your daughter not your problem.
Its not like that she has clearly stated she is exhausted working from home taking care of the children so she has obviously done it before she is close to losing her own job and no one gives a damm they decide that she is watching the children end of discussion and thats not fair even if she was her biological daughter it still would be unfair
diddl · 01/01/2021 10:08

"I can understand why your dh said yes."

I think saying yes if he genuinely thought he could get the time off but it fell through at the last minute would be one thing.

To say yes when he had no intention of it being him who did any childcare at all is just ridiculous.

Beautiful3 · 01/01/2021 10:16

I can't get over your husband volunteering you?! You are still working!!! How dare he be angry with you, for saying no! I agree with you, to go to your mums. Good for you. I'm a stay home mum and my husband has never volunteered my time. If family wants me to baby sit, he always suggested that they ask me directly.

LannieDuck · 01/01/2021 10:18

Has she just assumed you'd do today's childcare too? Or did DH volunteer you for that as well as for next weeks? Is he at work today...? If not, he should be looking after them.

Today is very different to next week - it's completely optional on her part. Since she's choosing to pick up an extra shift, she needs to make sure she has (proper) childcare in place first.

diddl · 01/01/2021 10:21

It really is something when you have to leave your own house as someone you have said no to will likely turn up anyway!

RandomUser18282 · 01/01/2021 10:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 01/01/2021 10:26

Well done, they both have a bloody cheek!!!

SlayDuggee · 01/01/2021 10:31

I presume if there is no one else available as the poor OP has always picked up the slack.

I would be tempted to say that you immediately requires back in the office full time. Some people where I work are back in the office due to MH reasons (and I’m guessing this gets them off the hook being dumped upon as a lot of people don’t understand that wfh means that you are working)

BarryWhiteIsMyBrother · 01/01/2021 10:37

I'd be fuming with DH if I were you.

Eddielzzard · 01/01/2021 10:51

Well done. About time they stopped taking you for granted Flowers

june2007 · 01/01/2021 11:04

I think you are being mean to not tell her that you won,t be there. You really are leaving her in the learch. If she was coming she obviously thinks their is some agreement. No you don,t have to look after her children if you too have work but it seeems like it has been handled basdly by all involved.

june2007 · 01/01/2021 11:04

Like she is going to get childcare now on new years day.

Stantons · 01/01/2021 11:08

@june2007 she has said no to childcare so in theory SD shouldnt be turning up

howdoyouknow123 · 01/01/2021 11:13

I think you can stand you're ground and be upfront about it. You could have just told SD that you have a report due and really can't: that your working away to complete it. Leaving her show up when
No one is home Is just unnecessarily argumentative. Your husband wasn't right to agree to babysitting but you can still show some empathy. She must be really stuck to get some help.

WildfirePonie · 01/01/2021 11:13

Good for you OP.

Let us know how you get on. YANBU!

Original poster
Greenfingeredsue · 01/01/2021 11:13

...”I feel bad for all the mothers who have been fucked over by covid, but at least your step daughter will be able to come live with you and her dad if/when she loses her job and can't pay the rent, a lot of women don't have that safety net.”

Is this a joke? There’s no way in hell I’ll allow her to live with us after the way she’s been behaving. The house is mine and was paid for before we got married so I get to make the decision. If my partner doesn’t agree, he can pay her rent. Or leave.

OP posts:
MissTemple · 01/01/2021 11:14

I don’t understand, you told her you couldn’t have the children next week and she cried, why would she think you would have them today?
Did your husband agree to that too, even after you told him he should have asked you first?

Original poster
Greenfingeredsue · 01/01/2021 11:15

Happy new everyone. Just having a coffee with my mum before I settle down and do some work.

OP posts:
QueenofDestruction · 01/01/2021 11:15

That is imo abusive, She said no, she has work to do and they ignored her. She is not their servant or modern slave. She definitely should make sure she keeps her job because her husband sounds misogynistic, emotionally abusive and controlling. If my husband treated me like that and ignored my feelings and job , we would no longer be married.

ThePriceIsNotRight · 01/01/2021 11:16

What’s the reaction been, given you weren’t there when she showed up?

Haenow · 01/01/2021 11:16

@june2007

She did tell her! My mum told me she cannot do any week day childcare from January onwards but perhaps I can drop DC around anyway?!