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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2021 07:46

Omg she just wanted to pick up an extra shift!

Yeahnahmum · 01/01/2021 07:52

Cf and all
But you leaving your dh for " a few weeks" and leaving him a note (so not even telling him????) ... that is a pretty shitty thing to do op

billybagpuss · 01/01/2021 08:00

I totally understand why you’re going to take a break with your mum, will your relationship withstand this? Do you want it to?

Hope it all works out for you.

Celticdawn5 · 01/01/2021 08:01

Good for you! and stand firm.

WinterRose92 · 01/01/2021 08:17

I do feel for your stepdaughter but at the same time, you need to work too! And it shouldn’t fall to you also your husband should not have just assumed you could look after the kids. Not on.

Pinkfreesias · 01/01/2021 08:21

I feel for you so much, OP. The way you've been treated by some on here is terrible. I knew as soon as I read your first post that you'd be maligned as a step-parent. I imagine you love the kids but are just done in wit it all.

It's also clear to me that you've already done loads to help, at risk to your own job and your health. I don't know why others feel they need more context.

Sometimes a bit of action is needed to get your viewpoint across. Its awful to be taken advantage of. Yes, these are awful times and I feel for your stepdaughter, as I'm sure you do, but now you need time to do your own work. I'm gobsmacked that some people don't seem to have targets or deadlines that they still have to meet, even when working from home!

Hope your break gives you a chance to catch up with work and for a bit of self care.

BrowncoatWaffles · 01/01/2021 08:25

@Yeahnahmum

Cf and all But you leaving your dh for " a few weeks" and leaving him a note (so not even telling him????) ... that is a pretty shitty thing to do op
Absolutely this. Also staying with your mum when you’ve had keyworker childcare bubble access is putting her at unnecessary risk. Just have actual conversations with these people like an adult!
Russell19 · 01/01/2021 08:30

Don't blame you at all OP. This may make them realise.

Stantons · 01/01/2021 08:33

@browncoatwaffles she has had conversations they have fallen on deaf ears

BrowncoatWaffles · 01/01/2021 08:38

One phone call and then a row and then leaving ‘for a few weeks’ while your DH is at work is a massive escalation unless there’s a massive drip feed not in the OP’s posts.

If you need to hide fo avoid a drop off today then fine - either pop out for an hour (because let’s face it she’s not standing there the entire day) and then return to do your report or just don’t answer the door (or do and say you’re not doing it).

The OP is absolutely within her rights to say no, but this just feels like drama fuelling a fire.

GreenTiles22 · 01/01/2021 08:45

Moving out of your home for 3 weeks seems like an over reaction. But perhaps you could let your neighbours know so they can crack on with that extension without disturbing you. Win win!

Notgoingouttoday · 01/01/2021 08:46

Whilst there is obviously no obligation to look after SDs children, I would look at it in a different light.

DP is an NHS worker so I guess his work is very important during this pandemic. I personally would consider how important SD's work was to the public - if she is a nurse, carer or similar I would run myself into the ground looking after her children, but if she is just doing a shift at the supermarket then I probably wouldn't as I am sure they could manage fine without her. The impact on non-family members would weigh on my conscience so that would play a part in my decision. I also think we need to know age of children as it does make a difference to how much supervision they need.

However, I still don't think its right that DP has arranged this for OP and it shouldn't be expected without OPs agreement.

Theunamedcat · 01/01/2021 08:48

She has said no repeatedly no one is listening to her she is do desperate to catch up with her work she is working new years day and people still think she is Unreasonable?

billybagpuss · 01/01/2021 08:54

@GreenTiles22

Moving out of your home for 3 weeks seems like an over reaction. But perhaps you could let your neighbours know so they can crack on with that extension without disturbing you. Win win!
Which is why I feel this is the final straw and there’s a massive backstory of similar issues, is there history of being disrespected in the relationship?
EnjoyingTheSilence · 01/01/2021 08:59

What a shitty situation for everyone.
Your dh was unreasonable for volunteering you without checking with you but I can see why your sd was upset.

KarlUrbansWife · 01/01/2021 09:01

@GreenTiles22

Moving out of your home for 3 weeks seems like an over reaction. But perhaps you could let your neighbours know so they can crack on with that extension without disturbing you. Win win!
Oh, this made me chuckle Grin
Calmandmeasured1 · 01/01/2021 09:07

I hope you are safely ensconced in your DM's home, OP, and can get some rest from the mental exhaustion of this upset. If thoughts of your husband and step daughter enter your mind then push them away. Concentrate on your work and relax and enjoy your mum's company when not working. Don't give in and return home.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/01/2021 09:10

Good for you op.

Calmandmeasured1 · 01/01/2021 09:13

@Notgoingouttoday

Whilst there is obviously no obligation to look after SDs children, I would look at it in a different light.

DP is an NHS worker so I guess his work is very important during this pandemic. I personally would consider how important SD's work was to the public - if she is a nurse, carer or similar I would run myself into the ground looking after her children, but if she is just doing a shift at the supermarket then I probably wouldn't as I am sure they could manage fine without her.

I think the OP has already run herself into the ground:
"I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted"

rookiemere · 01/01/2021 09:16

Crikey so even after you said No, she went ahead and volunteered for an extra shift, that's definite taking the mickey department regardless of what her job is.

Oh and those saying it depends on the age of the DC and if the SD is doing a worthy job - well no it doesn't. OP has said she finds it impossible to work with the DCs there so their actual age is irrelevant and if it's a key worker job then her DCs should get childcare once term starts.

I get that it sucks to be a working DP during this crisis, but saying yes to the extra shift when you have no childcare and the person you asked previously said No repeatedly even when you cried is not a sensible action.

Lollypop701 · 01/01/2021 09:21

So dsd doesn’t only want to keep her job she wants extra shifts, whilst you work on NYD to catch up. Because you have been used for childcare. Yep, I’d be packing a bag too op and I’m not sure I’d be going back

Jeremyironseverything · 01/01/2021 09:26

If you weren't working then I'd say you were a little bit unreasonable because we all have to pull together during this pandemic, but if you are trying to fit in a full time job then no bloody way.

Icenii · 01/01/2021 09:27

I think Tilly wants to paint OP as an evil stepmum.

inanotherlifetimeok · 01/01/2021 09:33

Can't understand for one minute why this is your responsibility and the way your DH has been treating you. Awful! If you give in once that's you finished. She needs to sort out her own childcare.

ZenNudist · 01/01/2021 09:34

It's because you WFH. It's so cheeky. I work at home and actually havr work to do. When DC get back from school it really cuts time from my day that I have to catch up on in the evening.