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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
Haenow · 31/12/2020 22:44

YANBU, OP. I’m in a very similar position to your step daughter right now. My mum has been helping but she said she just can’t anymore. Of course, I’m upset and worried but it’s not her problem and she cannot risk her job. She won’t be able to pay her bills without her job.
@PegasusReturns do you think my mum is BU? She’s my only source of informal support. She’s WFH but cannot manage balancing childcare and work. She’s helping me in her non working hours which is great but I’m very anxious about the day time. She’s helped me a lot thus far, like the OP has helped her step daughter.

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 22:54

@MinervaSaidThar

So many people offering OP up as childcare on this thread, just like the husband.

I doubt OP will be back, and who can blame her.

Yes it's incredulous that people on here expect OP to risk her own job... 🙄

OP your husband is a selfish twat.. and his daughter is also a selfish twat ..

stick to your guns 🌺

Original poster
Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 22:56

She wants to bring the kids over tomorrow, my husband is at work. I need the time to catch up on a report that needs finishing. When DP came home this evening we had the worst row ever.

When he goes off to work tomorrow, I’m packing a bag and going to my mum’s for a while to be able to work in piece. She says she doesn’t mind. So when daughter comes there will be no one in.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 31/12/2020 22:58

So sorry that your situation has come to this OP. It's good you can work from your mum's.

The entitlement of volunteering you as childcare is disgusting. What is more worrying is how many women on this thread think that your job should come second to providing childcare that someone else signed you up to.

2020isalmosthindsight · 31/12/2020 22:59

Your DH is completely in the wrong here to be offering you up as childcare regardless of your plans, but to do so when you will actually be working yourself is the height of arrogance.

I don't blame you at all for packing and heading off to your mum's.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 31/12/2020 23:02

Good for you, OP. Remember to turn off your phone while you're working 🙂

Actupfishy · 31/12/2020 23:08

Have you or your husband told her of your plans to do that?

wingingit987 · 31/12/2020 23:08

It's a awful situation to be in. At the end of the day. Can you husband not help her with paid childcare.

I don't think It's grandparents job however in current climate id be fucked without supportive grandparents. Mil is retired my mum works full time as a carer then will have my son on her only day off I'm forever greatful but I never expect it.

Original poster
Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 23:14

Actupfishy - I haven’t told my husband I’m taking a break so she won’t know. That’s for him to find out when he gets home tomorrow, I will leave him a note.

I have said that I won’t have the children tomorrow, so if she comes round with them and finds no one home, that’s on her.

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 31/12/2020 23:18

I have said that I won’t have the children tomorrow, so if she comes round with them and finds no one home, that’s on her

I do think that’s a bit cruel. Can’t the three of you have an adult conversation and try to find a solution?

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 23:20

@Greenfingeredsue

Actupfishy - I haven’t told my husband I’m taking a break so she won’t know. That’s for him to find out when he gets home tomorrow, I will leave him a note.

I have said that I won’t have the children tomorrow, so if she comes round with them and finds no one home, that’s on her.

They have brought this on themselves OP.. you have told them NO... they have not listened... so you do what you need to do 🌺

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 23:20

@OllyBJolly

I have said that I won’t have the children tomorrow, so if she comes round with them and finds no one home, that’s on her

I do think that’s a bit cruel. Can’t the three of you have an adult conversation and try to find a solution?

this is not OP's problem to solve

MzHz · 31/12/2020 23:22

Trying to have an adult conversation was tried.

And failed.

@Greenfingeredsue said ‘No’ and was overruled, ignored and manipulated

No means no.

Even for stepmums

@Greenfingeredsue you’ve done the right thing. You really have

Iootraw1 · 31/12/2020 23:27

I would do it as only temporary. I’m sure she will be very grateful. Know it must be hard though OP.

Brefugee · 31/12/2020 23:29

OP i think you're right. But to be scrupulously fair, I'd message your SD either now or in the morning to say you won't be there.

rookiemere · 31/12/2020 23:30

Tomorrow is the 1st Jan schools wouldn't have been open anyway, so this is nothing to do with coronavirus crisis causing unexpected need.

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 23:37

@Iootraw1

I would do it as only temporary. I’m sure she will be very grateful. Know it must be hard though OP.
and what about OP's deadlines and meetings for her own job.. she has a Report she need to compile tomorrow... does that not matter.. does her job no matter ?
PieInTheSky71 · 31/12/2020 23:43

Suggest she contacts sitters.co.uk for emergency childcare. The sitters are qualified, have suitability checks and are interviewed before they are accepted.

Childcare is still allowed, even in Tier 4.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2020 23:44

I feel for the dsd. I really do. However, if op is working on NYD it’s pretty obvious she’s been looking after the dcs too much. It sounds as though she’s working on a bank holiday during to make up for lost time.

PieInTheSky71 · 31/12/2020 23:46

Well done for sticking to your guns by the way. Your job needs to come first.

Not easy to stand up to being bullied.

billy1966 · 31/12/2020 23:49

The absolute disrespect they have for you is truly something.

Your husband is a piece of work.

OP, it really isn't normal to volunteer your spouse for something.

Well not in a healthy respectful relationship.

Take an overnight bag.

You may want to extend your stay for a few days or longer.

Mind yourself.Flowers

FinallyHere · 31/12/2020 23:52

Can’t the three of you have an adult conversation and try to find a solution?

With the mother's tears and her father nipping off to work while volunteering his wife's time without checking with her, it is not the time for an adult conversation.

If DSD turns up with children in tow having been told it's not possible, then maybe finding no one home is the reset that is required.

It's obviously not ideal but OP is being taken for granted.

GreenTiles22 · 01/01/2021 00:28

So originally she's asked for childcare help next week, but now it's tomorrow? Bizzare

Original poster
Greenfingeredsue · 01/01/2021 00:41

Yes now it is tomorrow as well as next week, because she wants to pick up an extra shift.

And yes I am packing a bag, I will be having a couple of weeks’ break from all this cheeky fuckery.

OP posts:
hulahooper2 · 01/01/2021 00:49

I would be happy to help
Out my family if I could , it it doesn’t appear to be on a long term basis so I do think yabu

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