Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 31/12/2020 19:01

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Double standards imo...sm's get no respect or acknowledgement.. No rights to tell of dsc. Put up and shut up being the general motto. Yet somehow now good enough and expected to provide free childcare. Yanbu to say no op. Your dh needs to help her organise something /someone else.

Yes, this.

The "heads I win, tails you lose" treatment of SM is really tiresome.

Johan23 · 31/12/2020 19:06

I totally understand why SD was crying. I had a wee greet when it was announced I’m Scotland: the idea of balancing WFH and childcare/ homeschooling really impacted my MH last time.

But not sure why OP should have to be the one to WFH and look after the children? She’s totally right to say no: especially if it is impacting her MH. And in her shoes I would be raging with DH for offering her services

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 19:10

Yes, this

The "heads I win, tails you lose" treatment of SM is really tiresome.

Totally agree Flowers

MegaClutterSlut · 31/12/2020 19:36

Its a really shit situation on both sides and I can see why your SD is upset but yanbu

MotherExtraordinaire · 31/12/2020 20:17

@pinkyredrose

Her as a lone parent losing her job will presumably have far bigger ramifications for her and her children than you?

How do you know that? If the step daughter loses her job she can get benefits, she won't be homeless. The OP could've worked many yrs in her career to get where she is, why should she risk that?

She won't get a mortgage paid. Even if they contribute to mortgage it takes 39 weeks of claim for them to give an interest loan!

Op is a 2 income household. No dependents. Eithrt paid substantial amount of the mortgage or mortgage free, most likely.
Op has less risk than sd and sgc.

Crankley · 31/12/2020 20:18

But she can’t, because she is exhausted. She is not required to set herself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Best comment of the year.

For those of you who think that the OP should look after these children, can you explain why the SD wanting to dump them on her stepmother because of her job, is more important than the OP having to work into the night to do her own work leaving her exhausted and placing her own job in jeopardy?

As a PP said - where is the father of the child? the SD's mother, grandparents, siblings, other family members.

The thing that would put me over the edge if I was the OP would be my DH agreeing to it on my behalf without asking when he can't childsit his own grandchildren?

Stay firm OP.

ThornAmongstRoses · 31/12/2020 20:21

I am absolutely flabbergasted that some people think it’s ok for the OP to risk losing her job so she can look after someone else’s children - and acting like she’s selfish for not being prepared to do that.

It’s madness.

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 20:22

@ThornAmongstRoses

I am absolutely flabbergasted that some people think it’s ok for the OP to risk losing her job so she can look after someone else’s children - and acting like she’s selfish for not being prepared to do that.

It’s madness.

I'm not shocked. OP is a step mother. She should know her place.
TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 20:26

Op is a 2 income household. No dependents

It doesn't make any bloody difference. OP doesn't have to sacrifice a career she may have worked years for because she might be in a slightly better position if she were to be jobless than her SD.

It's such a ludicrous suggestion.

Would people actually expect this of their parents?

My Dad could probably afford to lose his job more than I could mine. But fucking hell, I don't and would never expect him to do that. He's worked hard to get where he is for nearly 30yrs! Why the fuck should he risk losing that just because he may be slightly better off than me.

Mittens030869 · 31/12/2020 20:32

The OP has said that there are no other family members who can step in. Some people really don't have family to support them. I really don't understand why some of you can't seem to accept that this might be possible.

A lot of fathers don't stick around. Some people have abusive family backgrounds. Or their parents are dead; my DM was orphaned at 10 years old.

The OP isn't suggesting that this isn't the case. Why do some of you keep suggesting that this isn't true?

This doesn't mean that the OP is in a position to help out with childcare. She is working, so she isn't available and her DH shouldn't have volunteered her.

TheLeastBit · 31/12/2020 20:36

The step daughters Dad is also part of a two income household. Maybe he can lose his own job to care for his grandchildren? Better than his daughter losing hers right?

Mittens030869 · 31/12/2020 20:43

@TheLeastBit I agree with you. Why not volunteer himself rather than his DW?

Theunamedcat · 31/12/2020 20:54

Op is a 2 income household. No dependents. Eithrt paid substantial amount of the mortgage or mortgage free, most likely.
Op has less risk than sd and sgc.

Seriously? Why should she financially cripple herself? Her husband has already shown complete disregard for her so why do you think he will take care of her now

GreenTiles22 · 31/12/2020 21:03

@Greenfingeredsue how much childcare has she asked for? Was it one afternoon or a whole week for example? There are lots of assumptions on this thread, and as you asked the question it would be helpful if you gave a few more details.

happystone · 31/12/2020 21:05

I would tell your husband to stop organising your life. I would not do it.

grapewine · 31/12/2020 21:13

Your husband will have to pay for childcare for his grandchildren instead of volunteering you for the job without asking, if he can't take time off to help look after them. No way should you risk your job. That's nuts.

Bikingbear · 31/12/2020 21:22

@grapewine

Your husband will have to pay for childcare for his grandchildren instead of volunteering you for the job without asking, if he can't take time off to help look after them. No way should you risk your job. That's nuts.
Where can you actually pay for childcare when schools and nurseries are shut?

That's half the issue families are facing, no childcare but parents are still expected to work.

grapewine · 31/12/2020 21:30

Well, yes. But the husband can't just assume his wife will do it when she is working full time. Or should she just jeopardise her job? He should not volunteer time that isn't available.

3rdNamechange · 31/12/2020 21:38

@angelaEhen

Why can't you help?
She's exhausted and wasn't consulted.
Icenii · 31/12/2020 21:48

I wouldn't recommend a stepmum risking her financial independence to look after her step kids or step grandkids. If anything happened in the marriage its easy to cut the stepparent loose and with not even a thank you.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 31/12/2020 21:51

OP your husband told his daughter he will have them, so he will have them. Nothing to do with you.

MinervaSaidThar · 31/12/2020 21:53

So many people offering OP up as childcare on this thread, just like the husband.

I doubt OP will be back, and who can blame her.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 31/12/2020 21:54

Basically op I think you are too kind I would not be doing that and its rude of him to volunteer you like that.

Perfect28 · 31/12/2020 22:15

I think this whole thread is a bit of a misnoma to be honest. Childcare is a legit reason to be furloughed, so either the mother should be furloughed or if she is a key worker then her children can go to school as normal.

Samiad85 · 31/12/2020 22:16

Please stick to your guns on this op. Unbelievably unfair.

Swipe left for the next trending thread