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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

912 replies

Greenfingeredsue · 31/12/2020 12:56

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OP posts:
Circumlocutious · 31/12/2020 17:59

@PurpleDaisies

Especially as, in OP’s own words, “she will lose her job if she can’t find childcare”.

It was the lack of empathy in OP’s words, the blatant assumption that the tears were there to blackmail her, which I found disturbing.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 31/12/2020 18:00

@2020isalmosthindsight I agree on all three points but some people seem to think OP should risk her job

YogaMommyyyyy · 31/12/2020 18:01

Hey all, there is another thread running about how bloody awful this is that schools are shut with short notice and it’s mums that bear the brunt (impact on job security, actually being able to work or not and zero progression due to many men still being able to shine bright whilst women throw 100 balls in the air). As per one of the PP’s, when married I did do all the childcare, BUT then decided being a single parent was easier. Thankfully my kids are older and can in theory be at home with me whilst I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home. But many women can’t. These last months have been awful for all of us, but can us women please pull together in the final stint. We are all cracking, but perhaps if a full week of childcare is unrealistic, just one day. A walk and lots of screen time will fill the day, it’s called survival right now.

FinallyHere · 31/12/2020 18:05

I do question why someone wouldn’t do everything they could to help

@PegasusReturns

How much of your questioning is directed to the father of the single mother, the DC's grandfather who has volunteered his WFH wife, claiming he must go to work and "just can't" help ?

I think I'd see if the 3 of you could work together to make it work for all of you

Well that sounds like a great idea.

Instead, OP's DH volunteered her help without consulting her

Who does that to a partner, in any sphere?

a partner who can pick up some of the slack

Sorry, lost track of who said this but my question is "how is her partner doing, picking up the slack then dumping it into his wife's lap, claiming he is too busy to hel but not even asking her first.

I would strongly encourage OP to avoid doing anything to risk her job and her independence. Imagine what he might expect her to do, if she did no longer have a job.

Perfect28 · 31/12/2020 18:07

What does mum do for a job? She shouldn't lose her job for having to take care of her children, perhaps unpaid though.

LannieDuck · 31/12/2020 18:08

I would offer to take one day of AL and use it doing one day's childcare. I would expect my DH to do the same since he's the one who offered.

Maybe DSD could also take one day of AL, and she could ask her DM/DM's partner if they could also cover one day of childcare each.

If any of that's not possible, there's always her partner's family to ask.

There are plenty of other people around to ask, OP is just the path of least resistance. OP, you need to make it clear that you're working. WFH is no less important than working in an office.

...Oh, and I'd make absolutely certain that my DH knew that if he ever volunteers 'us' for something again, he will be the one doing it.

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 18:09

@FinallyHere I’d have plenty of questioning for them if they’d started a thread or we knew anything about them/their circumstances

Mittens030869 · 31/12/2020 18:10

It was the lack of empathy in OP’s words, the blatant assumption that the tears were there to blackmail her, which I found disturbing.

^This. I found it quite disturbing, despite still agreeing that the OP wasn't unreasonable. There was a distinct lack of compassion, especially accusing her SD of emotional blackmail.

@OhCaptain

They're not a stranger's DC, though, are they? They're her DH's DGC. Hmm

OhCaptain · 31/12/2020 18:13

OhCaptain

They're not a stranger's DC, though, are they? They're her DH's DGC. hmm

I didn’t say they were. Maybe have a re-read. Smile

MzHz · 31/12/2020 18:14

The kids have another parent? They have another grandparent?

You have said no. You have to say no because you can’t do this anymore

She needs to take emergency parental leave or annual leave

Your h is appalling for volunteering you.

Say no, mean no and stick to it.

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2020 18:18

@OhCaptain

For someone claiming I’m invested in the OP you certainly seem invested in my responses 🙄

You just be mistaken regarding the “loads” of stuff I’ve made up in the same way you were mistaken about me bringing up the old thread Hmm

Mittens030869 · 31/12/2020 18:18

@OhCaptain Okay, I see. I apologise for misunderstanding. But that's what happens on AIBU, isn't it? We become invested in the lives of strangers, Grin

ancientgran · 31/12/2020 18:19

I watched Goodbye Mr Tom yesterday and cried buckets.

SuperbGorgonzola · 31/12/2020 18:24

It's very very relevant how old the children are, and which other members of this family are on the scene.

If OP is being asked because she's seen as a soft touch, and WFH is perceived as a skive, then that is unacceptable.

If all other avenues of childcare, paid and family are completely impossible, then I think OP should do what she can to help.

If the children are young, this is a much bigger ask, as it means she cannot WFH and look after the children.

If the children are older and able to just mooch on screens and get their own food, then OP should be much more able to work, and just be there in a supervisory, responsible adult capacity.

OhCaptain · 31/12/2020 18:27

[quote PegasusReturns]@OhCaptain

For someone claiming I’m invested in the OP you certainly seem invested in my responses 🙄

You just be mistaken regarding the “loads” of stuff I’ve made up in the same way you were mistaken about me bringing up the old thread Hmm[/quote]
You literally got deleted for using OP’s previous threads to call her names! 🤣

SuperHighway · 31/12/2020 18:28

Your step daughter has a father, presumably also a mother, also a father to her child, and his parents - all blood relatives, but the person being leaned on is the stepmother. Also you are working but you're expected to have her kids so she can work!? Ridiculous.

VimFuego101 · 31/12/2020 18:29

Your husband shouldn't have volunteered your time. Just because you are WFH... it's still work and you are still unavailable to babysit while working.

Fuckstickss · 31/12/2020 18:29

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

I think generally it matters less. When you have a partner who can pick up some of the slack and you don’t have dependent DC then job loss tends to leave you less precarious. That’s not to say it’s not difficult but none of this is easy.

There is no way I'd risk my job to look after someone else's kids! I have my own outgoings, e.g. car loan, should DH pay for that or do I just get rid of my car? How many times are women told, quite rightly, to keep their independence and not rely on a man.

I agree with Pink, I don't think it's fair to suggest that the op's job is less important because she has a partner.

It sounds like the op has exhausted herself already helping with the kids and just can't go on any longer.

Wfh people tend to be seen as bottom of the pile and open for childcare which isn't fair. She may be home but she still has a job to not get sacked from.

I wfh ft now and no way could I watch multiple children while leading multiple zoom meetings every day and meeting deadlines. I'm struggling to keep up with wfh and I have no children. Wfh doesn't mean were available to pick up the slack.

Fuckstickss · 31/12/2020 18:30

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

I think generally it matters less. When you have a partner who can pick up some of the slack and you don’t have dependent DC then job loss tends to leave you less precarious. That’s not to say it’s not difficult but none of this is easy.

There is no way I'd risk my job to look after someone else's kids! I have my own outgoings, e.g. car loan, should DH pay for that or do I just get rid of my car? How many times are women told, quite rightly, to keep their independence and not rely on a man.

(P.s DangerCat says happy new year to Harry Wink)
Brefugee · 31/12/2020 18:33

These last months have been awful for all of us, but can us women please pull together in the final stint.

tell you what why can't all the fucking men step up for one in this final stint

i read post after post after post where the poster is juggling everything and the DH gets up, showers, breakfasts and fucks off to his job, comes home, had his lovely prepared dinner, lounges areound, goes to bed, lather rinse repeat (or does his hobby)

And yet again it's "all hands to the pumps, ladies" zzzzzzzzzzzz

Backtoblack1 · 31/12/2020 18:34

Is there provision for key workers children in your local authority? Even if the school is closed? X

QueenofDestruction · 31/12/2020 18:34

@PegasusReturns

This is so hard.

It sounds like your work has a degree of flexibility, which your SDs has not?

If she has no one else and the alternative is her losing her job then helping would be the decent thing - exceptional times and all that.

Unless you’re going to say they are triplet toddlers/you’re recovering from serious illness/she insists you feed them a complex vegan menu and engage in a rigorous 1:1 schedule based on niche ancient philosophy. In which case I take your point.

However I suspect the fact that you are reluctant to share details means that they’re none of those things.

This sort of answer drives me mad, wfh is not flexible working and I have worked from home for years , I do not do housework, go shopping, look after children during the working day I work., which is what I am expected to as anyone else who works does. I would most certainly lose my well paid job if I didn't. Because they would soon know if deadlines are not being met and can see when you are inactive or not logging in to the system.

The OP as an employee is slacking and would be taking the proverbial providing childcare during her working hours. However hard it is its not your parents, step parents, siblings duty to Care for the children someone has, its theirs and any help above that is a bonus..

QueenofDestruction · 31/12/2020 18:46

@YogaMommyyyyy

Hey all, there is another thread running about how bloody awful this is that schools are shut with short notice and it’s mums that bear the brunt (impact on job security, actually being able to work or not and zero progression due to many men still being able to shine bright whilst women throw 100 balls in the air). As per one of the PP’s, when married I did do all the childcare, BUT then decided being a single parent was easier. Thankfully my kids are older and can in theory be at home with me whilst I’m lucky enough to be able to work from home. But many women can’t. These last months have been awful for all of us, but can us women please pull together in the final stint. We are all cracking, but perhaps if a full week of childcare is unrealistic, just one day. A walk and lots of screen time will fill the day, it’s called survival right now.
It is survival and Op would also be in an oversaturated job market if she loses her job, again wFh relates only to your work location it doesn't mean that you can look after children. Has anyone also thought about OPs colleagues who would have to pick up her slack if she doesn't, do her job and that my affect their own childcare if they have to work longer hours.
YogaMommyyyyy · 31/12/2020 18:49

Oh @Brefugee I hear you, some men seriously need to hugely step up, it makes my blood boil and makes me start ranting.
Lockdown 1.0 my ex was too busy and important to have the children during the week because his job is soooooo important. This time I have told him which days he will be picking the kids.
There is still such a sense of male entitlement that childcare is womens work, even as we move into 2021. FFS!!!

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 19:00

Glad you stood firm and said NO OP...

explain yourself to nobody either ... Flowers