AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

[Greenfingeredsue]

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

Single parents got themselves into their situations, usually via poor choices, and need to own it and find their own solutions.

What is wrong with you?

If the SD is working but school is closed then she may qualify for an essential worker place at school - the schools are still open for those in difficulty.

YANBU!

It's a shit situation and I feel sorry for your DSD but.... YOU'RE WORKING so it's just not possible! Your DH should never have volunteered you and that requires a serious discussion.

Single parents got themselves into their situations, usually via poor choices, and need to own it and find their own solutions. Not constantly expect others to sacrifice on their behalf.
Oh my fucking god. I hope I don't know you IRL.

Pegasus, you have yet to give any reason as to why it’s OP’s responsibility.

‘Family care’ not constitute entitlement to someone’s time and/or physical and mental workload, regardless of how they feel about it. Anyone demanding that of me, family or not, could stamp their feet as much as they liked, the loss of such a relationship would give me no reason to mourn.

Of course it’s not your job to watch them while you are working.

My employer has made allowances for parents who have child care issues during the pandemic, but as far as I know, those allowances have not extended to grandparents.

Anyway OP seems to have missed off if she works full time or part time and how old the kids are...
How much did you look after them in December?
As many have said primary kids and full time work is very hard work. Secondary with PT work will not make most people any worse and is surely favourable to stepdaughter loosing job

Is there any way it could be shared? Say if she can get a couple of days off and your husband gets a couple of days off could you just do Monday to give her a chance to sort it? If you just can't then that is the end of it but if it was a more reasonable request would you feel able to?

I only work very part time and wfh at the moment but I do understand, I love my GC but I've seen too much of them this year and I wish their mother would occasionally send something for them to eat.

I honestly can't imagine a scenario where I'd expect my step father (who I care about dearly) to stay up half the night, completely exhaust himself and risk losing his job to help me with childcare and when it got too much and he had to stop, me being 'fucked off' with him about it.

I'd be horrified actually to find out he'd been having to stay up during the night to catch up on his work which was now at risk.

And I can guarantee my mother would be taking his side if I were pissed off too!

@PegasusReturns

Well, the expectation seems to be that the OP takes the kids to work (as she's WFH) so I'm not sure why their mother can't be expected to

Don’t be absurd.

How is that absurd?

You've asked whether the mother should be expected to take her children to work but seem to think that the OP should have her SD's children with her whilst she is at work.

How is there any difference?

@pinkyredrose

Her as a lone parent losing her job will presumably have far bigger ramifications for her and her children than you?

How do you know that? If the step daughter loses her job she can get benefits, she won't be homeless. The OP could've worked many yrs in her career to get where she is, why should she risk that?

Exactly.

I made my choices in life and presumably OP did too, as to goals, priorities and how to expend time, energy and resources. I'm not responsible for bailing others out of their screwups and neither is OP.

Let her husband take leave if he feels it's so important.

pegasus do you have any experience of wfh? I don’t want to get into a bun fight with you about it but I do, and can quite honestly say, it’s near as stringent as physically going into the office

Yes I do. I said so on this thread already. I’ve been working from home since March with 4 DC aged 8 and up. We parted ways with our nanny before covid as the oldest felt too old and we had great wrap around care at school - oh if only I’d had a crystal ball!

I head up a global dept for a FTSE100. I get it it’s tough. I have a number of FT working mums on my team with DC much younger and no childcare. We juggle constantly.

My working hours have gone to pot - I start early and finish late. I don’t exercise. I have worked through the night. I rely on takeaways more than I’d like and my DC spend more time on screens than I’d like to admit but what option is there?

@PissedOffAgain

How is there a difference between having a school aged child loitering around the house whilst you try and work and having them traipse around a covid ward? Or a factory? Or a fire station? Do you really need to have that clarified?!

@Handsoffstrikesagain

pegasus do you have any experience of wfh? I don’t want to get into a bun fight with you about it but I do, and can quite honestly say, it’s near as stringent as physically going into the office. If OP cannot commit to doing the job properly, there is every risk she could lose it. I will say that the extension thread was bordering on bonkers though....

It’s not just bonkers though, it’s directly relevant. There she sought to sabotage her neighbour’s extension plans because of the ‘noise and disruption’, while her and her equally charming DH planned to build a new shed and greenhouse in their own garden.

So now when she talks of the ‘constant distractions’ of looking after the children (unknown ages) I just can’t take her seriously. Can you?

Why can't the children's father, the four grandparents, any siblings and their partners, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends or even paid childcare or the DSD herself while working at home look after these children.

Are all these options really not available, even on a rota basis? Or have they just all said no? So why is it down to the OP to be the one who says yes, even though she's also working so not available.

I don't think yabu to not want to provided childcare.

I feel v v sorry for your step daughter though. Such hard times at the moment.

@TheLeastBit if that was the context then I wouldn't have the same reaction. Op hasn't really given enough context.

@PerveenMistry I have 2 single mum friends, one her h had an affair and left her. The other, one of my best friends, her dh died of cancer at age 30 leaving her under 30 with a 4yo and 1yo. So imo you're talking crap.

not the OP's doing that someone got themselves into a single parent situation. Where is the child's other parent?

This is beyond a shitty thing to say. It is never a single parent's fault if the other parent has fucked off and takes no part in raising their own children. Responsibility lies solely with the parent who left.
Had it occured to you that the children's father might have died?
This might also be the case for the stepdaughter's mother.

It’s weird and gross to stalk poster’s through their time line.

The Op is under no obligation to look after her step daughter’s children. The responsibility is the children’s mother and father.

if you are working from home and your husband thinks its unreasonable not looking after the kids take them round to his place of work and dump them there see how he likes it.
That is basically what he's doing.
WFH doesn't mean you are not working ff's.