AIBU to say looking after children is too much?

[Greenfingeredsue]

I can’t give any more, I’m exhausted. I’ve just told my step-daughter I can’t look after her kids again next week. My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

[quote Indecisivelurcher]@TheLeastBit if that was the context then I wouldn't have the same reaction. Op hasn't really given enough context.

@PerveenMistry I have 2 single mum friends, one her h had an affair and left her. The other, one of my best friends, her dh died of cancer at age 30 leaving her under 30 with a 4yo and 1yo. So imo you're talking crap.[/quote]
What more context is required? She has literally said she's been having to stay up half the night to catch up due to the distractions and that she is also at risk of losing her job if she can't keep up with deadlines. She has said she is now exhausted and can't cope anymore. What more do you need to know? Would you like your step parent to be in that position?

Has the SD tried to get any other help at all Op?

Looked locally for help?

[quote PegasusReturns]@PissedOffAgain

How is there a difference between having a school aged child loitering around the house whilst you try and work and having them traipse around a covid ward? Or a factory? Or a fire station? Do you really need to have that clarified?![/quote]
We don't know, however, that the SD does any of these things.

You asked whether it was reasonable that the SD take her children to work. I don't think it's any less reasonable than expecting the OP to have then with her whilst she's working (your assumption that she's fighting fires notwithstanding).

I know that I could not do my job with a school aged child loitering around the house. Nor should I be expected to, particularly if the child is not mine.

And, bluntly, I wouldn't be prepared to lose my job, which keeps a roof over our heads, to facilitate childcare for anyone else.

It would be different if the OP was sitting on her arse drinking gin all day (although, that would still be her prerogative) but in this situation, I fail to see why her SD's needs should trump hers

My husband said we’ll have them, even though he’s at work all day and can’t help.

OK, here is the problem.

DH agreed, so it's up to him.

Stick to it.

He is BVVU to volunteer your services. That's just not right.

You are absolutely correct to "look to your own oxygen mask before helping others "

You do, however, have a DH problem.

@DBML I’m trying to gauge whether she asks you far too frequently and for reasons that are not all that important

Did you miss the part where OP was not even asked directly?

Her DH, the single mother's father volunteered OP while he was not able to help himself. OP then had to phone with the bad news that she was not able to do it.

As so often on MN, this is a DH problem.

That is a really good point @TheLeastBit
Reverse the ops gender and it isn't even a consideration that she would look after them.

BTW, I've also been reminded of the OP's garden/extension/neighbour thread.

Whilst I thought she was utterly unreasonable on that thread, I don't think she's unreasonable here. It is possible to be unreasonable in some circumstances and not in others

I do feel for the SD incidentally, I just don't think that it's the OP's responsibility to run herself into the ground on this one

(Although I do now also want to know what the final garden/extension outcome was!)

In fact, can you even imagine it. Grandma tells her daughter she'll look after her grandkids. Then fucks off out, without a word, leaving her working from home husband, no blood relation to sort.
It would never happen.

@PissedOffAgain

You asked whether it was reasonable that the SD take her children to work you’re getting me confused with someone else.

You’re right we don’t know what the SD does because OP has chosen not to disclose that. Call me cynical but I suspect that’s because it’s a job where it would be impossible to take DC in regular times let alone during a pandemic where the instruction is to work at home if you can.

The only people going out to work next week should be the people that absolutely cannot WFH which means it’s very unlikely that OPs SD works in an environment where it would be appropriate to take a child.

@TheLeastBit what the SD's job is for a start. Whether she has to go in to work. Whether she's a key worker. 9-5. Shifts. Can she take a bit of leave. Has she been taking the piss with how much help she asks for. What other childcare opts there are where they live. How old the kids are. How self sufficient.

We are not in normal times. SD can't just find alternative childcare, such as ask a friend. You can only form one childcare bubble.

Anyway that's just what I think. Based on what the op said I thought she was potentially being unreasonable. But context is everything.

Haven’t rtft which I usually hate, sorry! But why I’d he’s an NHS worker can she not go to school - are they shut for key workers (& how is that going to work if so?)?

*if not I’d

@PegasusReturns

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hang on I’ve been deleted for suggesting the OP is miserable?

No swearing? No insults? @mumsnet what’s going on?!

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

As much as the OP is burnt out, I bet the step daughter is too - single parent, needing to work to keep a roof over the children's heads. What happens if she loses her job because she has no childcare? Yes, the husband had no right to arrange this and not ask the OP but unless it turns out that OP is also working ft and has small dc then I think you should help if you possibly can.

The Step daughter chose to have children that is the difference, the impact on the OP is something her DH and SD should have also considered before offerring her services

"it’s very unlikely that OPs SD works in an environment where it would be appropriate to take a child."

And Op cannot do her work with the kids there.

There's no difference!

i think the main niggle here though is that OPs DH volunteered her and that is incredibly rude

Yes I agree - I said as much earlier in the thread and I suspect OPs frustration with her DH is affecting her views on helping SD.

However unless the DH is a total arse he obviously thought it was achievable for the OP and that, combined with the low threshold for tolerance shown by OP on the other thread, makes me think OP is being unhelpful.

Now of course maybe her DH is totally unreasonable and maybe the low tolerance and desire to make someone’s life difficult as exhibited on the other thread was out of character but I’m sending a theme.

"However unless the DH is a total arse he obviously thought it was achievable for the OP"

That's not his decision to make!

Even if Op can do it by minimal work in the day & working in the evening-again, not his decision.

Especially as there is likely zero/little impact to him!

Hi folks

Can we please avoid bringing up previous threads? It derails the conversation and doesn't end well.

Yanbu

It’s irrelevant why you don’t want to do it, it’s too much for you and must have taken a lot to ring her and say so.

Your husband is unreasonable and you should explain to her that he isn’t home and can’t be home so cannot volunteer to have them.

That's not his decision to make!

No you’re right it absolutely isn’t and it was unreasonable for him to offer her services.

The fact that he did though is indicative of his perception of what is manageable. That perception might be way off, but as I said combined with OPs low tolerance and desire to make people’s life a misery on her other thread is suggestive of where the issue might lie.

I know we all want to help others as much as possible but sometimes it’s necessary for our own sanity to say no.

I was a Mum, a childminder and a foster carer of small children and babies, and I can tell you I was never as tired as I was when I had new children to care for. The problem is, they need you to concentrate so hard, because you don't know what they are likely to do. I do think it's unfair of your husband to volunteer your services if he can't be there to help. but do consider that it will get easier as you all get into a routine. I'd advise that you definitely have a rest after lunch. My lot used to lie down where they wanted in the living room with me. In that way, if I did drop off for a few minutes, I'd hear if they started moving around. And children who didn't have a nap at home always did at my house.

@LilyMumsnet is that why I was deleted? For drawing a conclusion from another thread?

Not your kids, not your problem

@PegasusReturns

Apologies if I've confused you with someone else

As I said, I do feel for the SD and I realise we're all in a shit situation at the moment, but I do still feel (and this is not directed at you) that whilst it would be lovely if the OP could help out, if she could, she should not be the one to bear responsibility for this and she's stated that she can't cope with this any more.