Suspect I am bu but wanted gentle opinions.

[Theodoreb]

I had to go into hospital for surgery would have died if I hadn't gone in when I did, I don't work have 3 dc with SN and my mum had to look after them while I was in hospital so now I have to pay her £300 for the two days of work.

I have paid it (this was just before Christmas) just wondering how many others would have to pay if they had to go into hospital? My mum takes holidays for my sister as she's on less money as I'm on disability, so my sister doesn't have to pay.

I have paid I haven't said a bad word about it but in my head I'm a little upset.

A 72 hour week is punishing - she must be exhausted

When family support for an emergency becomes a financial transaction there is something very wrong with the dynamic. She did not need the money to cover lost wages but wanted to ensure her saving habits were maintained.
I would back right off, never ask for help again and never discuss money again with her.
Whether she agrees with your life or not, you are her daughter.
Social services has to be your go to in future as mum, your ex and your sister are not going to be there for you.

She works 6 x 12hr shifts? She must be exhausted. And must be saving hard for that mortgage I imagine.

I think if you could afford to replace her wages then that isn’t too unreasonable especially if you’re good with money and can afford it.

I wouldn’t rush to cut out your mum as it sound so like she is the only support you have. At the end of day, money aside, she was there for you when you needed her.

That's a bit mean. If you'd used her for child care to go on a weekend away or have a child free holiday, I could understand, but for an emergency like that, I think it's really awful.

I thought you’d mum was unreasonable until I read the updates.
Six 12-hour days is exhausting at any age, no less over 50. Your mum must really need the money and is desperate to provide for her old age (wisely!).
You all sound like you are living in tough conditions. Sounds like your mum will be there for you in an emergency but quite rightly wants you to value her input and not take her for granted.

"When family support for an emergency becomes a financial transaction there is something very wrong with the dynamic."

There's something more wrong when a father with nothing else to do won't step up!

I don't see why a GM who does help should be out of pocket when the father could but won't!

I can see that this is just another in a long line of things Op, but I don't think that posters hauling your Mum over the coals & calling her names necessarily helps.

You have a toxic relationship & want to step back-so do so.

You can't complain about toxicity etc and talk about cutting contact but use her for childcare for 3 SN kids every time you need to. Pick one.

Do you also get DLA for your 3 children with SEN, if so maybe your DM knows you can afford it and your DSis can’t. Looking after your children for two nights and 2 days may be a lot for your mother especially if she’s working 72 hours a week.

What were your options if their DF wouldn’t step in, having someone who can have your 3 DCs with SEN in an emergency is a godsend. Emergency child care would cost more than double that, the alternative being emergency foster care.

PS hope you’re recovering well.

Your Ex should have stepped up. He is unemployed therefore available and could have stayed at yours. Your mum lost work to help, you can afford to reimburse her so not really a major issue. You seem down on your mum but not your ex.

My inlaws are well off so no they dont charge me. But did your mum have any holidays left? Did she need the money to cover bills?

@whatwedontknow I think it's more a case that the DM books leave in advance, using paid holiday, for the DSis, but had to take unpaid leave in this emergency situation.

Although OPs Mum doesn't sound particularly pleasant...

Really? We have a 52 yr old doing 72 hrs per week in a factory, drops everything to arrange emergency unpaid leave and provides 24 hr care for 3 DC with special needs and she "doesn't sound particularly pleasant"? She is, according to the OP also regularly providing childcare both for the OP and the sister.

Meanwhile the father who does fuck all gets a free pass. Not to mention OP's father or the father of the sister's children (who apparently also doesn't provide childcare).

To put it the other way around, who posting here would want their mother to suffer financially by helping them out if it wasn't necessary?

Oh my gosh. You poor poor thing

If you were near me. I’d help you! I think that’s shocking

I ended up with eclampsia with my second. My husband was rushed into ICU. (He’s never sick. We never found out what caused him to be so poorly. He nearly died). My In laws also got sick. So the only person who could look after my child. Was my mother. Who can’t have my kids overnight due to a dog she was looking after. But she stepped up. It was a nightmare.

Bless you. That’s so sad.

What a Bword mum(You may choose what B word it is)

Absolutely horrible...

YANBU - she is being financially abusive.

I did temp care as a fosterparent when parents needed a night or two due to unforseen cicumstances, illness etc. Did a bloody good job too, not all Foster parents are monsters, most of us love kids and do whatever we can to make them feel safe and secure.

You posted before about how you gave your children to her for care when you were going through a crisis. And she cared for them for a long period of time. It’s not fair of you to slag her off now.

@Thismustbelove

I used to see this a lot. So much. I help at a church toddler group and there are some grandparents doing 6-8pm 6 days a week. Just so their child can carry on working at a high powered job.

I don’t have much help. My in laws don’t live close. My own mother is too unwell

It’s so sad.

@OnceBitten25

YANBU - she is being financially abusive.

Oh my word-that is hilarious!

@FedUpAtHomeTroels

I did temp care as a fosterparent when parents needed a night or two due to unforseen cicumstances, illness etc. Did a bloody good job too, not all Foster parents are monsters, most of us love kids and do whatever we can to make them feel safe and secure.

Most foster parents are brilliant. However, surely a DGM who knows the DC and their needs is a better option?

How does someone save for a mortgage? And since when did PIP give a decent amount to live on?

@Yeahnahmum

What a Bword mum(You may choose what B word it is)

Absolutely horrible...

How many Bwords are there that would work in the sentence.

@MintyMabel

How does someone save for a mortgage? And since when did PIP give a decent amount to live on?

They save a deposit

I think it’s material that the father of your children, who is unemployed and therefore free of obligations, didn’t move in to look after his own kids or at least offer some help. That’s really bad. You should be really pissed off about that first and foremost.

Also that you are old enough to have three kids and your mum does not yet have a mortgage means she is must be at the older end of getting a mortgage and this will affect the whether and what interest rate she gets And that is time sensitive. She’s working 72 hours a week which even in my 20s I’d have struggled with and is also providing childcare for both you and your sister. And I’m sure looking after three kids with SN is not easy for either you or your mum.