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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Suspect I am bu but wanted gentle opinions.

176 replies

Theodoreb · 31/12/2020 07:33

I had to go into hospital for surgery would have died if I hadn't gone in when I did, I don't work have 3 dc with SN and my mum had to look after them while I was in hospital so now I have to pay her £300 for the two days of work.

I have paid it (this was just before Christmas) just wondering how many others would have to pay if they had to go into hospital? My mum takes holidays for my sister as she's on less money as I'm on disability, so my sister doesn't have to pay.

I have paid I haven't said a bad word about it but in my head I'm a little upset.

OP posts:
rumandbiscuits · 31/12/2020 09:23

I'd be really hurt if my mum asked for money to look after my LG especially if it was because I had to go into hospital!! It's made even worse by the fact that she doesn't make your sister pay....

aprilanne · 31/12/2020 09:24

So a mother charged her seriously ill to a point of nearly dying daughter for looking after her grandchildren to top up her savings says it all really. Disgusting

diddl · 31/12/2020 09:25

"I would expect that the other parent does their bit first before others are called on."

I would say that that is fair enough.

Of course sometimes the other parent is a man with an important job, so another woman would be called on first!

Mamabear12 · 31/12/2020 09:27

Yikes. As other posters have said; this is not right. Family should help each other out during emergencies! My sister And her husband have watched two of our kids for four days so my dh and I could take an alone holiday!! And this is when they were 18 months and 3! So not easy ages. We didn’t have to pay them anything... but I guess families are different and have different expectations. When I was going to give birth to my third; my husband and sister came w me to hospital. My brother in law asked straight away if we need him to watch our two kids (and they now have two of their own dc!). This would mean him looking after a 1 year old, 3 year old; 6 and 8 year old alone! But he offered straight away. But we did not need it, as we had other arrangements already planned.

I have offered to look after a friends dc once when she had to go to hospital and no way I would expect or want anything in return. And another time I looked after another friends newborn for a couple hours. Again during an emergency situation. Happy to do it.

It’s sad your mom would do this....

C8H10N4O2 · 31/12/2020 09:29

Fascinated that the OP's mum who has arranged leave without notice, had to take it unpaid but did so to care for the DC is being criticised as "greedy" for wanting her net loss reimbursed and for wanting to get a secure roof over her head before she retires.

Where is the matching criticism for the OP's father (if he is around), the DC's father or even the father of the sister's children for failing to share childcare?

Do the men all get a free pass?

OP how many days care did your mother provide? Life saving surgery isn't something I'd normally expect to be just two days out of action. Was she covering more time than this and asking just for the specific losses to be made up?

Lookslikerainted · 31/12/2020 09:31

You have to pay your mum? That’s so out of order.

Lovemusic33 · 31/12/2020 09:32

I had to have surgery last year, I’m also a single parent to sn kids, my mum took time off to look after them, at no point did she ask me to pay her.

TillyTopper · 31/12/2020 09:33

Have never been asked to pay either parents to look after our kids. If MIL has had our 2 DS in the holidays we have given her money (for food, trips out etc so they all have a good time) but certainly not that price for a few days! Sorry OP, I can see you are trying to suck it up with good grace, but that's pretty harsh of her in my view.

C8H10N4O2 · 31/12/2020 09:33

Family should help each other out during emergencies!

IME they do as far as they can.

In this case the OP's mum did exactly that - dropped everything and rearranged work to care for the children, lost pay to be able to do this. The wider family however didn't hence I'd direct my questions to them, rather than the person who did cancel work (which isn't exactly easy at the moment) to care for the children.

Stellaroses · 31/12/2020 09:35

Just to offer a slightly different perspective, I have been paid to look after family dc.
My sister needed childcare in my town and didn't have another option. To look after my DN I had to take 2 days off work. I would have earned about £300, but I said as I would enjoy doing it just to pay me half. But I don't think I would have charged in a emergency. I have looked after her dc other times, in my holidays, but I didn't specifically have to take days off for that, I was free.
I can see your mum wouldn't want to lose earnings if her finances are fairly tight.

LittleBearPad · 31/12/2020 09:35

I wouldn’t expect to be charged, no though I would offer to pay expenses (taxi etc).

She clearly is working very hard and is focussed on getting a house so perhaps I could understand her desire not to lose wages. £300 seems very steep.

Your exH could have stepped up.

Oldbutstillgotit · 31/12/2020 09:36

Good grief . I have never ever asked for money for looking after DGS , in fact I went part time at work to help . I am now retired and still wouldn’t dream of charging .
I am so sorry . I think your Mum is being mean and unkind .

Stellaroses · 31/12/2020 09:43

It is a bit grabby, but if your mum is frantically working all the hours she can to save to give herself more security in her retirement, I can see she would want to not lose out on those wages, especially if looking after those children is hard work and she'll be knackered afterwards? What are their ages and did she overnights?

Seraphinesupport · 31/12/2020 09:44

That's so horrible.. you were basically dying and she takes your money? @150 a day????? No no no. My mum would do for free as I would for my kids.

diddl · 31/12/2020 09:46

Why didn't he father look after his own kids?

IDontMindMarmite · 31/12/2020 09:46

Just make sure you don't do her any favours for free any time soon OP. Lesson learned. By the way, your ex OH really should've stepped up for his kids.

OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 09:47

She earns 150 a day?
I can't imagine saying to my child, you need to pay me 300 for looking after the grandkids while you were so unwell.

shinynewapple2020 · 31/12/2020 09:50

I can completely understand you feeling sad that you had to pay your mum to look after your DC when you were unwell .

But I can understand your mum's point of view if she was taking time off without pay. Particularly if she couldn't afford to lose the money.

It's probably not a good idea to make comparisons between yourself and your sibling - these kind of comparisons rarely make people feel better. Sometimes there is another side to what you see , sometimes there isn't but it's better to accept things for what they are than dwell on something that makes you unhappy .

You don't say how long ago this was. I hope you are feeling better now?

ToniTheDonkey · 31/12/2020 09:53

@pleaseChooseAnother

Would your mum really be earning nearly £50k net a year? That's what it would work out as...

£300 for 2 x 12 hour shifts = £12.50 per hour
6 x 12 hour shifts per week x 52 weeks x £12.50 per hour = £46,800

That's about £66k gross per year.

It's bad enough that she has made you pay anything, but if she's earning that much surely she can't be short of money?

Wow, £66k a year. Where do I sign up? Smile
shinynewapple2020 · 31/12/2020 09:54

I do wonder if all the posters who are saying that it's not right of the OPs mother to have asked for payment have picked up the fact that she had to take time off work without pay. It's not that she was asking to be paid for looking after the children in her spare time or paid holiday .

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/12/2020 09:54

Why didn’t their father stay at your house whilst you were in hospital?

On a separate point. How old is your mother?
Is she even eligible for a mortgage that she could afford to pay back?
Also how much does she save every month if you are topping up her savings of £150 per day. At that rate she is saving in the region of £4500 per month

C8H10N4O2 · 31/12/2020 09:55

What are their ages and did she overnights?

From the OP: 3 dc with SN and my mum had to look after them while I was in hospital so now I have to pay her £300 for the two days of work

Assume 24 hr care of the three DC with SN whilst in hospital but the OP hasn't stated how many days and nights of care were provided, just that she lost 2 days shifts and wanted that making up.

eaglejulesk · 31/12/2020 09:56

YANBU. I can't believe your Mum would ask for money to look after your children in an emergency. What a dreadful woman.

Terracottasaur · 31/12/2020 09:56

Any member of my immediate family would have helped without charge. And £300 for two days is extortionate.

I’m so sorry she wasn’t more supportive when you were going through such a hard time Flowers

Norwayreally · 31/12/2020 09:57

So very sad. My Mum has looked after my children plenty of times, sometimes during emergencies such as me needing surgery and she has never ever asked for a penny. It’s honestly her pleasure to take care of them. Your Mum sounds rather nasty and unpleasant.

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