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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Suspect I am bu but wanted gentle opinions.

176 replies

Theodoreb · 31/12/2020 07:33

I had to go into hospital for surgery would have died if I hadn't gone in when I did, I don't work have 3 dc with SN and my mum had to look after them while I was in hospital so now I have to pay her £300 for the two days of work.

I have paid it (this was just before Christmas) just wondering how many others would have to pay if they had to go into hospital? My mum takes holidays for my sister as she's on less money as I'm on disability, so my sister doesn't have to pay.

I have paid I haven't said a bad word about it but in my head I'm a little upset.

OP posts:

lljkk · 31/12/2020 07:59

Does your mum resent your mental illness & see it as 'affected' or your fault or made up?

MichelleScarn · 31/12/2020 08:02

Does your mum work? What at at £150 a day?! And if so how did she decide that this was her savings days?

Eckhart · 31/12/2020 08:03

I think it's a concern that you're even considering that you're being unreasonable. Are there many other situations where you think you're possibly being unreasonable, and so you let a lot of stuff go that makes you feel uncomfortable?

Original poster

Theodoreb · 31/12/2020 08:04

She knows my illness is not made up as she has seen me very poorly when I was unable to care for myself let alone my dc. I had to be hospitalized and she also frequently says she would hate to be in my head when I'm having a bad day.

I am recovering very well thank you all, my dmum used to have dc one night a week for me to go out but won't anymore owing to youngest dd not sleeping much which I have been having issues with, I wouldn't get a childminder as my dc have SN i don't think they would react well to a strange person particularly not when they are worried.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2020 08:10

Wow your mother sounds awful. She took from her dd on benefits so as not to affect her savings. Unbelievable!

louisejxxx · 31/12/2020 08:11

Has your mum had to use annual leave to get time off from her own job to look after your dc? I feel like this would be the only extenuating factor but still not sure that makes it in any way reasonable.

ThePricklySheep · 31/12/2020 08:13

I don’t see why it meant she could save? Was she losing earnings?

Original poster

Theodoreb · 31/12/2020 08:15

Yes she said she was losing two days pay, as couldn't take holidays.

OP posts:

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 31/12/2020 08:19

Oh OP, please stop trying to justify your payments and your disability, you really don't need to. The fact that you are doing that tells me everything I need to know about your mother and the effect she has on you.

It isn't normal for her to expect payment. I would so embarrassed to ask my disabled daughter for £300 for looking after my grandchildren for 2 days whilst she was in hospital. The whole situation is really fucked up.

I would try and make some good friends so that you never have to ask her for anything again.

Original poster

Theodoreb · 31/12/2020 08:19

She works 6 12hr shifts in a factory normally as she does overtime but could only work 4 that week as I was in hospital.

OP posts:

TrafficKone · 31/12/2020 08:19

You are definitely not being unreasonable!

Eckhart · 31/12/2020 08:22

But if I say anything it will cause huge arguments it always does so I just bite my tongue

She is toxic. Can you create a situation where you never need her? You (and everybody) need to distance yourself from anyone who won't let you express your feelings.

Anniecott · 31/12/2020 08:24

We never had to pay my mother in law to look after our son even if she had to take time off work.
My mum on the other hand, if she had to take time off work, we had to pay her. She wouldn't use holiday for it but would expect me to take holiday days to take her to hospital appointments as she wouldn't pay me to do that.

KinseyWinsey · 31/12/2020 08:27

Wow. Amazed at your mother. Shocking and mercenary behaviour.

I would detach as much as possible from now on.

Why does she know so much about your financial situation?

I just wouldn't tell her anything personal like that anymore not least because it's none of her business.

If you're going to shell out out £300 then pay a professional to look after your dcs.

Vitaminsss · 31/12/2020 08:27

My first thought is that your mum is thoroughly nasty, but it depends on how low the income is for all of you. If she really needs the money for bills etc then it’s a difficult situation all around. If she doesn’t, I would consider distancing myself and not relying on her.

What do hospitals normally do if a single parent needs emergency surgery and can’t arrange childcare in time? I’m sure they would have been able to provide advise on alternatives

PopsicleHustler · 31/12/2020 08:28

Sounds very odd. I have arranged a relative if mine to have my 4 dc while I am in hospital having baby number 5. My husband has offered her money but she refused it. Instead we will just buy her some candles, chocolates and flowers sort of thing. I have long labours and difficult recoveries so she usually has them for a few days in her large home. She gets playdoh and puzzles for them and loves helping. She has a very caring and wanting to help nature by helping me and I always show her how grateful and appreciative we are. She does more for me than any other relative tbh.

I'd be devastated if I asked my mother who I am.nc with anyway to help me with the children and she charged me 150 per day. I understand you missed two days of work. But you were in a horrible situation. It's not like you went away for a mini break spa or something. Am sorry to hear you had to fork out that much. That could have gone on new clothes for your children or towards rent or something. Unbelievable

DeborahAlisonphillipa · 31/12/2020 08:35

@Vitaminsss I suspect it’d be short term emergency foster care. The OP understandably didn’t want her kids with a stranger (childminder) so don’t think whatever the alternative was would be any better than that. I’m sorry your mum charged you for this. I wonder now the emergency has passed whether you can, without the immediate need for it, think about any way you could build up resilience and back up other than her. I’m not sure what that would be, maybe getting DC used to a part time childminder you can trust etc but appreciate it’s cost dependant and might be upsetting at least short term for you all.

awwkkwwaard · 31/12/2020 08:36

Just remember this - one day she will need your help - and remind her that she will owe you back the £300. If she was on her uppers financially I could understand it more - but to bolster her savings? Un-be-liev-able .

Fifthtimelucky · 31/12/2020 08:37

I started off thinking that your mother was being very unreasonable.

But if she genuinely lost pay because of having to look after your children, I think it's not unreasonable for her to have expected you to reimburse her for that.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 31/12/2020 08:40

That all sounds very odd.
Has she become obsessed with savings/house buying? 72 hours a week in a factory sounds like hard work with a goal in mind.

C8H10N4O2 · 31/12/2020 08:41

Where are the men in this situation?

Daddyatethemincepies · 31/12/2020 08:42

I can't believe family would treat you like this. I don't know any parent who would charge their children to look after their kids, especially not given the circumstances. Horrible behaviour. I'm sorry your mother is an absolute piece of shit.

AlternativePerspective · 31/12/2020 08:44

Last year when I was in hospital my parents moved into my house for six weeks.
We live 100 miles apart.
Not only that, it was for the duration of my teenager’s GCSE’s so they had that to contend with. And they refused to accept money even for food, although God knows I tried....
Your mum isn’t a very nice person and I would limit the amount of time you need to ask her for help in future. Asking for money to top up her savings is shocking behaviour.

notdaddycool · 31/12/2020 08:45

Horrible mother.

Original poster

Theodoreb · 31/12/2020 08:47

Ex dh is going through a rough patch he stopped seeing dc during a abusive relationship and has now left.

However he lost everything his house his savings his job and had to move back in with his mum who won't let him have dc overnight. He will be more help once he's back on his feet but finding a job in current climate is not easy so for now he cannot help much.

I am trying to limit contact with my mum as she can be quite toxic and upsetting she picks holes in me constantly and judges me for things she has done, yet I still get upset over it. So minimizing contact.

OP posts:

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