Suspect I am bu but wanted gentle opinions.

[Theodoreb]

I had to go into hospital for surgery would have died if I hadn't gone in when I did, I don't work have 3 dc with SN and my mum had to look after them while I was in hospital so now I have to pay her £300 for the two days of work.

I have paid it (this was just before Christmas) just wondering how many others would have to pay if they had to go into hospital? My mum takes holidays for my sister as she's on less money as I'm on disability, so my sister doesn't have to pay.

I have paid I haven't said a bad word about it but in my head I'm a little upset.

@Theodoreb

On a separate note, how old is your mum? What age do banks stop lending Monday as they won’t get a 30 year return?

You mum sounds awful. I cannot believe she took money from you in those circumstances.

Oh well, she can look forward to paying for your services when she needs elderly care.

I hope you’re feeling better. Seriously, I am shocked at any mother doing this, you poor thing.

I wouldn't dream of accepting money for looking after my grandchildren. It's a pleasure to see them when we do, which unfortunately hasn't been very often this year.
When we do see them, we pay for their lunches and all outings.

Your mum is telling you how lucky you are because you are disabled? I am gobsmacked. My mum is disabled I cannot imagine ANY situation in which that is an "advantage". I am really shocked.

All these who wouldn't dream of taking money-great that you can afford not to!

Why would the GM who is working fulltime & had to take unpaid leave be expected to look agter the kids at all when their father isn't working?

If OPs mum couldn't afford to take 2 days unpaid, then it is what it is. The OP had the option of the DC father staying at her house (I'm not going to count emergency foster care as an option).

I can imagine that mum must be at least mid 40s, and saving like mad to be able to have a shorter mortgage term.

Its a tricky one. My own family would never look after my children. I wouldn't tell them if I had to go to hospital. They wouldn't offer support - emotional or practical. But for a lot of people, family stick together and help each other through things.
I think you need to lower your expectations to avoid disappointment like this in the future.

Learn to depend on yourself, your DH (or children's father) and paid help. That is what I have always done.

Why would the GM who is working fulltime & had to take unpaid leave be expected to look agter the kids at all when their father isn't working

Because it is what you do for family.

Don’t think the father was readily able to given his circumstances.

I am trying to limit contact with my mum as she can be quite toxic and upsetting she picks holes in me constantly and judges me for things she has done, yet I still get upset over it. So minimizing contact

It's good that you are minimising contact. Take one more step: Stop thinking that you might be being unreasonable with her. Have faith in your feelings. Respect your feelings. They are the core of who you are. You have been raised by a mother who does not respect your feelings, and taught that your feelings are not valid, but they are, and they're very important.

Be rock solid for yourself, even if she is not rock solid for/with you.

Ask yourself: Does anybody else make you feel that you are probably being unreasonable for having and expressing your feelings? This will help you to identify if there are any other toxins in your life.

"Don’t think the father was readily able to given his circumstances."

Well that's unfortunate isn't it?

And so the GM did what she could in her circumstances.

@readingismycardio

A childminder would've been cheaper tbh. I'd never have to pay my own mother.

Can children stay overnight at childminders? It’s a long time since my children were young and I have never used a childminder. OP I can understand you being hurt, I would never expect payment for looking after my grandchildren, I have done it several times when the parents have gone away, and am happy to do so. I would try and put it behind you for now, but keep it in mind when your Mum needs a favour in future.

Although OPs Mum doesn't sound particularly pleasant... if she missed 2 days of work due to looking after OPs children and those 2 days were unpaid, I think she's within her rights to ask that she is reimbursed. Grandparents shouldn't automatically mean free childcare. Some grandparents still have full time jobs themselves. I assume she told you beforehand that you'd have to pay and didn't drop it on you afterwards?

I do think her attitude toward your disability is unacceptable however. She doesn't seem very supportive in that aspect.

Well, if shes losing pay to look after your children and you're on a high level disability benefit, then yes that's fine. My sister is disabled and claims for herself and two disabled children, she gets over £2,000 per month. That money is to pay for anything relating to their disability. So imagine your disability allowance is for any paid support while you're in hospital. So yes I think it's fair.

I do think your mum has conned you out of more money. Assuming her day rate is £150 so £300 for 2 days. I bet she won’t be paying tax and National Insurance on that money. Assuming she pays tax at 20% and NI at 12%. She should only have asked you for her net take home pay which she is out of pocket would would be around £200 as £100 of that would be paid in tax anyway.

You have a horrible unsupportive mother.
If it happens again, hire a babysitter it's cheaper, or ask Social services for help.

In a ideal world their dad would have had them can't remember why but there was a pretty flimsy excuse why he couldn't. He isn't really much help but there not much I can do about that.I'm working very hard on trying to mend bridges and get a healthy friendship for my dc sake and so I can depend on him we come a long way in a couple of weeks.

I was in hospital two nights one for pre op was supposed to wait for covid test before surgery but they rushed me into surgery the second night without covid result as my health was deteriorating I discharged myself the next morning to get home to look after my dc.

Mum is 52

OP as much as your mum might be chancing her arm - she did look after the children whereas their father had a flimsy excuse why he couldn’t. I think there’s good reason to spread your irritation rather more toward him.

@LittleBearPad I am annoyed at him very much so but know I'm not being unreasonable there.

At 52 she is going to struggle getting any mortgage.

I think she has left it too late. I think the cut off is something like 40 or 45.

At 52 even if she could get a mortgage the repayments would be huge as she is having to pay it back in much less time.

@FedUpAtHomeTroels

You have a horrible unsupportive mother. If it happens again, hire a babysitter it's cheaper, or ask Social services for help.

You'd rather have DC (with SEN) in temp foster care, or being looked after by a paid stranger, than reimburse their DGM money she is losing? That's if a short notice childminder who does overnights is even available.

are they not her grandchildren, like who charges for their own grandchildren?

sounds like she needs cutting off to be honest, if your paying anyway you might aswell find someone whose not a judgemental bitch.

I imagine there is more to this story rather than just the mother is an evil cow?

She is a grandmother, so not young.
She works 6 12 hr shifts a week in a factory....that's a ridiculous amount of hours of hard work.
She has at least 2 daughters who do not work, and at 3 grandchildren with SN and other grandchildren, all of whom she is expected to regularly look after.

Perhaps she has simply had enough and this was a way to make them stop putting on her for everything?

There are 2 sides to every story.

You can get mortgages up to 75 these days without trying hard at all and beyond with a bit more effort. If she has a good deposit which she seems intent on she’ll be fine.

Just to add people can have high expectations of family members and a sense of entitlement for help.

I’ve noticed this with friends who barely acknowledge the vast amount of practical support they get from their parents. Some have an attitude that they provided grandchildren and the grandparents should be grateful to them.

I don’t get this from the OP but this is certainly apparent from some of the replies on this thread.