To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

Of course a parent would be embarrassed if their 16/17 year old got pregnant, as it’s a poor reflection on the parents and their lack of parenting to the 16/17 year old.
It shows the parents haven’t fully explained the true ugly and cruelty of the real world

You can understand the "true ugly and cruelty of the real world" and still have a condom break, or a pill failure. If that's the case, all parents who have children who have sex at 16 / 17 (which I think is around the median age) should feel embarrassed. I think that's unreasonable.

Of course a parent would be embarrassed if their 16/17 year old got pregnant, as it’s a poor reflection on the parents and their lack of parenting to the 16/17 year old.

You sound quite ignorant.

I became pregnant with my first at 16 and had her at 17. I had a lot of dirty looks back then and people always made remarks about it but I just got on with it. Your sister will have to grow a thick skin op women are bitches.
I had my 2nd and 3rd by the time I was 20 and I don't tester it for a second. My eldest is 19 in 3 weeks and if she was to come home and tell me she was pregnant now I'd support her the best way I could. No it's not ideal but there's never a "good time to have kids" I have a friend who decided to try for her first child at 39, after trying for year with no luck she's been told she's infertile. She's now wishing she had tried in her early 20s instead of being so career focused. There's a chance she will never have children as her husband has now left her.
No it's not ideal to have kids in your teens but I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason.

Becoming a young parent is more difficult in alot of ways, you can't be selfish with your time for studying, career building, saving for s home etc. It also is a little harder to maintain friendships as you and your peers will be at different life stages. It's hard but not all bad I may not have the massive house or dazzling career I thought I would but I have a nice home and make ends meet. I also have older teens while the majority of my friends have tiny tots and say they wish they had had kids younger lol

I was 15 when I have birth to me eldest DC he is now 13 !

I remember the stigma attached to it even now I still get some despite now being
28 with my own house nearly mortgage free. Good job nice, a very stable lifestyle and I get different judgement !
Now I get How did you do that people wanting to know exactly it is how I did it as it some sort of miracle which of course it wasn’t.

@Whattheactual20201 how are you nearly mortgage free at 28? Did you have a very small mortgage?

do you instil in your kids that young parents are bad / immoral etc
No. They're clearly not the sharpest but in no way are they 'bad' or 'immoral'. I have no issue with my teens having sex but I've also spent years instilling in them the sense of responsibility and respect essential in such a decision.
They've also been raised believing that the world is their oyster and I'd be devastated if they thought having a baby was the best they could do as a teen. It's not, they are all leading pretty incredible lives, well, up until this year I guess, no travel, but they have great careers and have been lucky enough to keep working.
I can't empathise with those who are talking about trying to enforce abortions
Thankfully, my daughters would come to that conclusion themselves. They are smart and have raised the bar higher than to have babies with boys that realistically aren't going to be long term options. There are very few 'accidental' pregnancies so I admit to wondering what is 'missing' from these young lives.

For all your explanations, questions etc, it really does boil down to your sister continuing the cycle. You've pretty much said that. No one should treat her the way her 'friends' did but the inevitability of it, I think, is sad.

@Heartlantern2 i was a teen mum and my parents weren't embarrassed they also weren't shit parents. My dd became a mum at 18 and i wasn't embarrassed, are you always so judgemental? The only nasty comments i got were from people you

@YouBoughtMeAWall no zone 2 London 3 bed about to move to a 4 bed. I have a good Salary but also frugal with it.

The statistics for teenagers having dc aren't great.
That said there are always going to be exceptions and some will do well.

No one should be bullied like your dsis was.

I really wouldn't want it for my dd or for myself if I'm being honest but we would cope if we had to.

I wouldn't want it for anyone, there bodies are not fully ready to have children they are still kids really themselves. I grew up friends with over 7 different teen girls with kids from ages 13 to 17, I saw and helped though all their stuggles one time caring for 3 babies myself overnight all under 6 months as the mothers were really struggling, not 1 of them have a job some ended up with kids being removed from them and into care 1 was adopted not one of them would say they were mature enough to care for an extra person they could barely care for themselves. So from my own experience I would always help but don't think they are anywhere near prepared or ready for kids

[quote Whattheactual20201]@YouBoughtMeAWall no zone 2 London 3 bed about to move to a 4 bed. I have a good Salary but also frugal with it.[/quote]
Wow! Good for you! You’ll enjoy that day when the last mortgage payment leaves your account! Well done x

Someone I know had baby at 16, got married, had two good careers, then had two more children when the first was grown, another career and now is a grandmother.

Very busy.

they're clearly not the sharpest but in no way are they 'bad' or 'immoral'.

So teen parents can be good people, but they're just stupid?

They are smart and have raised the bar higher than to have babies with boys that realistically aren't going to be long term options.

I am glad your daughters have had access to reliable contraception and / or have never been raped resulting in a subsequent pregnancy. I think I would be counting my lucky stars that this is the case, rather than shaming people for their circumstances.

it really does boil down to your sister continuing the cycle. You've pretty much said that.

What cycle? The cycle of poverty?
I've said nothing about my family's financial situation but no we are not in poverty and we are not by any means financially struggling.

@YouBoughtMeAWall it will be delayed slightly now because of the going up a room 🙈was soooo close hahah
But working it out I think i am still on track by the time I’m 30 which was always my original goal.

I think to a large extent it depends on the teen. There is no way on earth I could’ve coped with motherhood at that age - it’s hard enough now in my 30s! 😆 but I was what I guess you’d call a late bloomer and wasn’t very emotionally mature at that age. I would have found it extremely challenging.

My DD is only a toddler but if she were to fall pregnant as a teen I think I would be disappointed, but that’s probably based on my own experience - my 20s were amazing, with no real responsibility, lots of travel etc, and that would be tough with a young child. That said, I’ve no doubt many teen mums rise to the challenge as well as mums of any other age - it probably depends a lot on the support they have around them.

That’s an amazing achievement @Whattheactual20201!

Her so called "friends" are absolutely disgusting and there's no need for that.
However I personally couldn't imagine being a mum in my teens - my best friend at school had kids at 16/17 and it's just so young.
You're just coming out of school becoming an adult, and there's no chance to just be yourself, independent and go out by yourself.
I wanted to have time to myself first, be me, stay out until all hours pubs etc lol and then have kids which I did late 20s.
I appreciate everyone's different though, being young has no bearing on how good or bad a parent you are.
Lots of teen parents will be amazing parents whereas some older ones will be crap and vice versa - in other words, your age has nowt to do with your parenting.

Being a parent at 17 is definitely not ideal.

However, I had my first a 17 and have done pretty bloody well. My child is amazing, I know all parents think this but she really is. She is now a teenager and is polite, sensible, loving, works hard at school and is very sure of herself.

I went to university at age 22 for 5 years and I am now a medical professional. I married a man who is lovely, is very successful and we jointly own a lovely four bedroom home.

I spent the first 10 years of her life feeling very self conscious about being a young mother but as time went on and we both proved the stereotype wrong, I began to feel pride instead.

I remember on the last day of my daughters primary school, there was an end of year outing in the evening and all of the mums (posh, Land Rover, village mums) all congratulated me on how lovely my daughter was and how well I had done. They all asked for my phone number and I received numerous texts over the summer asking if my daughter would like to go over for sleep overs etc. These mums didn’t speak to me for the entirety of primary school and only did so when they had learnt I now had a successful job, home, husband and my daughter wasn’t a criminal in the making.

I don’t blame them entirely, but projecting stereotypes onto people really doesn’t help the situation. I had a lot of support from family over the years which was invaluable and definitely a factor in how I managed to attend university. I feel for those who do not have the same same support systems.

I recently had my second child and I feel ‘ready’ to be a mum now. With my daughter, I ploughed everything I had into making sure she had the same upbringing as children from older, more settled mums which was exhausting on top of attending university, dating and trying to have some sort of social life.

I am now much more settled and recently had my second child. It is a breeze compared to being a young mum. I don’t mind that I can’t go out, I don’t mind spending my time playing or going on walks etc.

But, I can definitely see positives in my daughter due to having a younger mum. She is very aware of life issues such as suicide, depression, eating habits, birth control, psychology and so on which I feel is because she relates to me in a different way than some of her friends do with their mums.We spend a lot of time chatting about things and she is very secure in herself. She comes to me with issues I never would have gone to my mum with. This could be due to her nature but she does tell me that it’s because I am younger she finds it easier to talk to me.

The negatives are many however, I feel infinitely guilty that I spent 5 years at university and she spent so much time with family and a childminder, I feel guilt that I used to hate getting up in the mornings and I just wanted to sleep (I didn’t), I feel guilt that me and her dad didn’t stand a chance ( they have a lovely relationship however) and I feel guilt that somebody asked if we were sisters- my daughter loves this though.

Ultimately, there are many pros and cons to all things in life. Don’t let other people be the deciding factor in these. I wouldn’t change my daughter for the world and do not regret it for a moment. I am who I am today because of her.

Congratulations to your sister on her little baby.

@YouBoughtMeAWall when my ds was born ( when I was 15 ) I knew I had to change my life around. I was lucky in many ways that I almost fell in to my career and got up the ladder pretty fast but I still have worked very hard.
I was a single mum at 22 with 2 kids I don’t have much choice. Worked 6 days a week sometimes 7 since I was 16.
It does get to me still though that even though I’m financially on par with most of my ds friends mums we are often questioned on how I think it’s often just assumed that I was financially dependant on my parents which was most definitely not the case.

OH, my. Define "OK."

Do I think that having a child at that age makes her a horrible person, or one with low morals? Nope.

Do I think that it will make her life immeasurably harder? Yes, but it will also bring her great joy.

My very best to your sister and to your new nephew. Tell her I said, "Chin up, darling. The very best revenge is living well!" Help her all you can, try to assist her in getting her education (babysitting as you can and such), and she'll be fine. And she now knows who is and who is not a real friend. A hard lesson, but one best learned early.

I worked in a mother and baby unit attached to a school for a few years, they were all great mothers including our youngest ho was just 12.
I bumped into one of the young mums a couple of years ago who had just finished her degree, it was lovely to here that she had achieved her goal whilst bringing up her daughter.
My dd is also 17, i wouldn't want her to be a teen mum but would give her my support if she was in that situation.

So sorry your sister has had to read such vile comments.

My manager's manager is a head of service in a local authority.
She is well respected and manages the teams superbly.
She was a teen mum at 16 and is a nan of four children at the age of 47. She is a great success story and says it is down to the support she got from her and her partner's family.

So teen parents can be good people, but they're just stupid?
More likely lacking maturity 🤷‍♀️

I am glad your daughters have had access to reliable contraception and/or have never been raped resulting in a subsequent pregnancy. I think I would be counting my lucky stars that this is the case, rather than shaming people for their circumstances
Meh. Of course they have, it's part of being responsible. Me as a parent and them as a sexual partner.
I am relating MY thoughts in answer to YOUR questions. Teens choosing to have babies.
What cycle? The cycle of poverty?
The cycle of children having children 🤷‍♀️