To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

My dd made me a grandma age 38. Not ideal but not the end of the world.
With support and love of course young mums can thrive, get jobs and live happily ever after 😊

Feckme - I meant it as a compliment😊

I didn’t have a child in my teens, found a levels and uni hard bloody work. Worked while doing a part time masters degree, found that really tough and now seem to work every bloody hour gods sends. I am in a senior managerial position, probably not quite in the high earners bracket with you - but I earn a healthy salary and have a very comfortable lifestyle.

I confess i am not sure I would have been able to achieve this if I also had to manage a baby while at school and university,

Sadly its not an uncommon thing among teens for this to be said if one of them becomes pregnant. This is one of the reasons teen mums can become isolated and have poor mental health.

Bullying utterly unacceptable.

Ever thinking that being a teen mum is a good idea is utterly absurd. Clearly accidents happen and as such, teen mums should rightly be supported, but it should be the exception not the rule and people need to be taught to aspire for financial and emotional stability before having kids.

Ever thinking that being a teen mum is a good idea is utterly absurd.

Okay first point : still not advocating for teenagers to get pregnant. I'm not saying it's a good idea in the context of "teenagers should rush to have children in droves". I'm just saying that there needs to be more respect and support without stigmatization for those who do become teen parents (through active choice or not).

Second point: I think it's "utterly absurd" to suggest that teenage parents are never a good idea. You can't box extremely varied groups of people into your stereotypical view of who they are. There will always be good teen parents and bad adult parents (and vice versa).

@veganmegan

Ever thinking that being a teen mum is a good idea is utterly absurd.

Okay first point : still not advocating for teenagers to get pregnant. I'm not saying it's a good idea in the context of "teenagers should rush to have children in droves". I'm just saying that there needs to be more respect and support without stigmatization for those who do become teen parents (through active choice or not).

Second point: I think it's "utterly absurd" to suggest that teenage parents are never a good idea. You can't box extremely varied groups of people into your stereotypical view of who they are. There will always be good teen parents and bad adult parents (and vice versa).

I'd imagine the people who choose it as a good idea is relatively low. people just make different choices once it's happened. As I said before I think those who make the decision so young to see it through are admirable.

Okay first point : still not advocating for teenagers to get pregnant. I'm not saying it's a good idea in the context of "teenagers should rush to have children in droves". I'm just saying that there needs to be more respect and support without stigmatization for those who do become teen parents (through active choice or not).

I wonder, OP, if the title of your thread has swayed people to frame your question in the direction of "being a teen mum is something to be strived for"? I have an inkling that you'd have got more relevant responses if you'd asked the more specific "Are teen mums unfairly stigmatised/ disrespected?" This prompts a different thought process to the question "is it OK?", which makes people think of a permissible or advocating approach towards it. Rather than, once it's happened, do teen mums deserve to be respected... which is what I think you're really asking. The answer to which is of course, yes.

I'd imagine the people who choose it as a good idea is relatively low.

Maybe that's true, most teenagers to my knowledge don't plan their pregnancies. But to say it's never a good idea (in the context of keeping a pregnancy) is not correct IMO, as demonstrated by some PPs.

I also think it's true that while there are statistics to support that teen mothers have a lower attainment level, stereotyping and judgement probably hold some part in this - social ostracism rarely improves one's chances in life.

I wonder, OP, if the title of your thread has swayed people to frame your question in the direction of "being a teen mum is something to be strived for"?

Maybe that's true, and I probably put it wrongly (in which case I apologise for not phrasing it better). I wrote "to think it's okay to be a teen mum?" thinking that wouldn't have been taken the same as "to think teenage pregnancy should be recommended?" but genuinely maybe that was a fault on my part.

If people would like to instead reply to the AIBU answering the question; "Are teen mums unfairly stigmatised/ disrespected?" (as put by Lou) then that would be great as well!

@veganmegan

I'd imagine the people who choose it as a good idea is relatively low.

Maybe that's true, most teenagers to my knowledge don't plan their pregnancies. But to say it's never a good idea (in the context of keeping a pregnancy) is not correct IMO, as demonstrated by some PPs.

I also think it's true that while there are statistics to support that teen mothers have a lower attainment level, stereotyping and judgement probably hold some part in this - social ostracism rarely improves one's chances in life.

Again OP I've been very supportive of you - my post was aimed at whoever you quoted who was going on as if people choose it thinking it's amazing

Again OP I've been very supportive of you - my post was aimed at whoever you quoted who was going on as if people choose it thinking it's amazing

Kimchi I know, I think I might just not be great at communication
Nothing of what I'm saying is aimed at you by any means, I'm not saying you're stereotyping or judging, I'm just saying in general terms (and responding to that PP) that saying it's "never" a good idea is not correct.

I just did that by bouncing off what you said, but not at all trying to attack you specifically!

@veganmegan

Again OP I've been very supportive of you - my post was aimed at whoever you quoted who was going on as if people choose it thinking it's amazing

Kimchi I know, I think I might just not be great at communication
Nothing of what I'm saying is aimed at you by any means, I'm not saying you're stereotyping or judging, I'm just saying in general terms (and responding to that PP) that saying it's "never" a good idea is not correct.

I just did that by bouncing off what you said, but not at all trying to attack you specifically!

Gotcha

I think it comes down hugely to how much support the teenager has and how motivated they are. It's not what I'd choose for mine and I would not have coped at all at that age!

Tal45 - agreed. There is a lady above you at the age of thirty has a managed to achieve extreme success and become a mother at 17.

These stories are rare, but inspirational. Most of is cant even dream of being a high earner, this lady has overcome significant barrier - both her and her husband are high earners.

I do think people like this (if they have time) should think about going to those units and telling teen mothers they can still achieve their dreams. Six figure Plus salaries, high powered careers, successful relationships. It takes hard work (and probably a lot of natural talent), but it’s not out of bounds for teen mothers.

Feckme - would you think of this?

Also I have a question -- for those who said they would be devastated (or words to that effect) by their child becoming a teen parent, what would your actual practical actions be? E.g. would you be quietly disappointed but move on and be supportive of whatever your child wanted, or would you make your feelings known ( / try to enforce a fertility choice that you thought was the best one)?

It's hard to say.. I would always want to support my daughter...however I would clearly spell out the impact of this. I'd be clear that she has options and she doesn't have to have the baby.

As a teen, her getting pregnant impacts on my life...she can't live independently with no income...so the thought of a baby in my house 24/7 isn't appealing tbh.

I want the best for my DDs and being saddled with a baby so young is a really worry.

I've actually already had this conversation with my daughters and they know how I feel about it.

Life is tough enough for women...added to that we're black...they don't need anything else to be against them in making progress in life.

If she was in a stable committed relationship...with a supportive partner I'd probably feel different...I would feel better able to support them....But I still know that things would be hard for her and she would be lumbered with responsibility.

I certainly wouldn't coerce her to have a termination...as I have seen the consequences and long term impact of this.

I’d want her to have a termination but I wouldn’t push her into it but the baby would be her responsibility and not mine.

Also I have a question -- for those who said they would be devastated (or words to that effect) by their child becoming a teen parent, what would your actual practical actions be?

I’d hope to have never had to face that situation. Luckily, I didn’t. I think encouraging aspirations, ensuring they know about effective contraception, lining up a trusted friend they could go to for advice and MAP prescriptions and limiting opportunity went a long way.
The children knew we disapproved of children having sex and actively discouraged intense teen relationships. Study before sex.
They were raised believing they should refrain from having sex with anyone they weren’t prepared to have a child or go through an abortion with.
Prevention is always better than cure.

@CherryRoulade

Also I have a question -- for those who said they would be devastated (or words to that effect) by their child becoming a teen parent, what would your actual practical actions be?

I’d hope to have never had to face that situation. Luckily, I didn’t. I think encouraging aspirations, ensuring they know about effective contraception, lining up a trusted friend they could go to for advice and MAP prescriptions and limiting opportunity went a long way.
The children knew we disapproved of children having sex and actively discouraged intense teen relationships. Study before sex.
They were raised believing they should refrain from having sex with anyone they weren’t prepared to have a child or go through an abortion with.
Prevention is always better than cure.

And... respectfully...do you honestly believe they followed this? Always?

@Ideasplease322

Tal45 - agreed. There is a lady above you at the age of thirty has a managed to achieve extreme success and become a mother at 17.

These stories are rare, but inspirational. Most of is cant even dream of being a high earner, this lady has overcome significant barrier - both her and her husband are high earners.

I do think people like this (if they have time) should think about going to those units and telling teen mothers they can still achieve their dreams. Six figure Plus salaries, high powered careers, successful relationships. It takes hard work (and probably a lot of natural talent), but it’s not out of bounds for teen mothers.

Feckme - would you think of this?

My friend did this too.

If I told her to go and speak to people she would laugh and say it's just what she had to do.

I know - but it is so rare. Only 5% of people make it into the high earning bracket, this lady has made it despite raising a baby in her teens.

Kids hear from crusty old men, and lets be honest people earning six figures plus tend to be older men. This is a lady who is barely thirty. It’s good to see diversity in success.

@Ideasplease322

I know - but it is so rare. Only 5% of people make it into the high earning bracket, this lady has made it despite raising a baby in her teens.

Kids hear from crusty old men, and lets be honest people earning six figures plus tend to be older men. This is a lady who is barely thirty. It’s good to see diversity in success.

I agree.

But I'm also not sure high earning is everything either.

I’d want her to have a termination but I wouldn’t push her into it but the baby would be her responsibility and not mine
Of course it would be your child's responsibility but are you saying you wouldn't help your child to support your grandchild?

@notacooldad

I’d want her to have a termination but I wouldn’t push her into it but the baby would be her responsibility and not mine Of course it would be your child's responsibility but are you saying you wouldn't help your child to support your grandchild?

Support yes, enable no.

No you are right - money isn’t everything. But we have adults coming into schools to tell about career paths all the time. A successful female who has been in the same position, who has succeeded in her career would be inspirational.

What I have taken from this thread is so many girls have limited ambitions and for many babies seems to be the only path they see. There is so much more out there.

But I'm also not sure high earning is everything either.

I agree, I suppose (unfortunately) it's hard to fire up a Powerpoint Presentation about emotional maturity and personal growth though!
Finances are what most people care about as they're easiest to compare. (though I'd definitely go see that presentation )