To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

Thing is it’s not so much the 17 year old girl it’s who the father is - at 17 you don’t have much of a clue how to choose a baby daddy so your likely to be doing it alone.

@Lennon80

Thing is it’s not so much the 17 year old girl it’s who the father is - at 17 you don’t have much of a clue how to choose a baby daddy so your likely to be doing it alone.

Again, not necessarily.

And there are many , older posters on here with feckless partners.

@LouJ85

Op isn't asking if it's what parents want for their child.

No, but she did ask^ those who had commented they would not want this for their child, to clarify why^ they hold this view. So we did.

Missed that in amongst it. Cheers.

No, but she did ask^^ those who had commented they would not want this for their child, to clarify why they hold this view. So we did.

That's true, I don't agree with some of it (as is probably clear) and I might not have the same viewpoints for my own future kids, but I guess it's interesting to know where these views come from (when stated respectfully, I might add).

Yanbu op. As women or girls we really can't do right from Adam can we?

We shouldn't judge any mothers, teen mothers included.
Social stigma contributes to worsened outcomes.

That's true, I don't agree with some of it (as is probably clear) and I might not have the same viewpoints for my own future kids, but I guess it's interesting to know where these views come from (when stated respectfully, I might add).

I'm pretty sure I stated my own views respectfully.

I'm pretty sure I stated my own views respectfully.

I didn't mean you, I meant previous posters on former pages (some of which were deleted by MNHQ which were not especially respectful).

It isn’t something I’d want for my kids, just because it’s very hard work. And you need thick skin, as the judgement you get daily isn’t very nice.

I had Ds1 at the age of 17, continued to study my a levels, worked, went to uni, and owned my own house all by the age of 24. I have a professional career, me and DH are high earners. In a weird way I am glad I had him young as I seem to have my life more in order than most in their twenties. But it took a lot of determination!

FYI this was 13 years ago based in NI, so abortion was illegal. If I had the opportunity to access a clinic, I would have probably gotten one. However I don’t regret having my son.

Feckmesideays, you have done exceptionally well.

To be a high earner at 30 on its own is an achievement, but to do it and have had a child at 17 is brilliant.

You must admit you are the exception, not the rule. Very few people can even expect to go on to be high earners (only 5% of the population earn more than £80k). For both you and your husband to achieve this is rare.

Most girls who have children young won’t have the dedication and opportunities you have had - plus there must be a lot of natural talent and intelligence to to succeed in a highly competitive environment and command such a significant salary at such a young age.

Did your parents help out with childcare while you were studying?

I have known numerous young women who having kids as teens was the making of them.

I just feel sad for them that they’re too young (I say that as the product of a teen marriage/pregnancy). In an ideal world I’d want them to live a little first.

Personally I would never think of a teen mum as a ‘slag’, (hate that word). I’d feel sorry for the workload they have ahead of them at such a young age but would also admire their resilience

That’s shocking and there is no need for what those people said. I was lucky and didn’t really get too many comments.

I was a mum at 16, me and DC’s dad stayed together for 13 years, and had another child too. Unplanned pregnancy, not planned.

Having my DC did a lot for me really, I grew up because of them and ended up in the career I am in because of them. They have pushed me to do things I never would probably have done and my life would be very different without having had them when I did I believe.

All that being said (and they are great kids too!) I wouldn’t want it for my own daughter. It’s been tough, and getting through life has been harder, carving a career and childcare and money, and also I have missed out on a lot. Yes I think I’ve gained a lot too, but I would love my daughter to have some freedom to do some things she wants, travel, move away to uni etc if she wants to. Learn about who she is as a person without having that responsibility for someone else that holds you down.

I am who I am because of them, for sure, but would I still be who I am now if they had come along later? I don’t think so, I think there are many things I would have done that I will possibly likely never do now, or not in the same way.

So I wouldn’t say it’s a bad thing, it is what it is. But even with all I’ve said, I wouldn’t advise it, if someone asked me beforehand and was planning that path. But if it happens absolutely the support and happiness should be there.

I had Ds1 at the age of 17, continued to study my a levels, worked, went to uni, and owned my own house all by the age of 24. I have a professional career, me and DH are high earners. In a weird way I am glad I had him young as I seem to have my life more in order than most in their twenties. But it took a lot of determination!

I wasn't quite a teen mum - I had my daughter after just turning 21. But similarly to you, I wasn't prepared to sacrifice my career dreams completely. I sat my final exams of my first degree when I was 5 months pregnant, completed my second degree part time in evenings and weekends when my daughter was a toddler (whilst working full time), and then went on to complete my PhD (whilst working), which was while she was in primary school. I now have a really good job and an mid 30s. Like you say, you have to be determined to make it in your career as a young mum, but it's not impossible. Having said that, I'd rather my own daughter (now 14) did things differently to me as it was not an easy ride!

It’s not what I’d want for my children as I want them to fully live and enjoy their youth and freedom but some people were just always destined to be parents regardless of age and if what’s she wants then that’s lovely. I don’t believe there is such thing as a ‘slag’ anyway and even if I did having a child young wouldn’t make you one!

These middle class bullies will have been brought up being told it’s unacceptable to have a baby before you’re 40.
Report the messages on social media. Tell your sister to block them and not waste her time thinking about them.

@Ideasplease322 Yes my mum did help out with childcare, however I did have to pay her a fair amount via using my student loan and my part time job, I worked three days a week while studying. Universities usually have grants available for parents if they need help with childcare costs if using a registered childminder, or nursery facility. I didn’t use those grants.

I am not sure what opportunities you think I’ve had? As I am not from a privileged background, I never received a penny from my parents. I come from a working class background and was the first in my family to go to University. Everything I have done and achieved was for my son to have a good start in life. Seems to have worked so far, he’s a well mannered, bright boy, who goes to a top grammar school and has never had to go without.

I had my first boy at 17 OP! I have a house and work part time earning more than my partner who works full time but I think that's just luck and I have good employers who I've been with for over a decade. I would not want it for my boys though (even though i wouldn't change it for me). Its not even been hard I had a full time job at 16 so went on maternity leave then went back and it was fine. Easy baby. Did get hard when me and the father split up but that was due to him refusing to help with childcare. I think I'd struggle to do it all more now I'm older to be honest! I'm now in my 30s with teens and lifes fab. We love to travel together.

As I am not from a privileged background, I never received a penny from my parents. I come from a working class background and was the first in my family to go to University.

Same. I'm from a simple background and had no financial help from family. Minimal childcare help, too.

@LouJ85

As I am not from a privileged background, I never received a penny from my parents. I come from a working class background and was the first in my family to go to University.

Same. I'm from a simple background and had no financial help from family. Minimal childcare help, too.

Simple?? 😂😂

I meant working class

Pre covid that is!

For many going to university is an opportunity they don’t have. Opportunities aren’t necessarily from privilege. You are clearly exceptionally talented, and I simply meant the opportunities that has given you.

You are thirty and a high earner, so have clearly achieved a lot of success in your profession. You are not an average person - So I was perhaps clumsily trying to put across that you would have had opportunities that the normal person wouldn’t. I am sure it is more than luck that resulted in you becoming a high earner.

Of course it is. My mother had me in her late 40s and this has had a long lasting impact on mine and my children’s lives although of course I don’t blame her. I had my second at 40. I still regret terminating a pregnancy I had at 20. She can have her baby and then when it’s time to build a career she will be
Much better placed and motivated to do what she wants if she’s in a position to pursue a career. How lovely to have all that energy for her child abs potentially be a young grandmother. We are Damned If we do and Damned if we don’t as women. We are either too young or two old. She should cut all those” friends “ out of her life now- she will be making plenty of new ones and has her whole life ahead of her to do so.