To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

That seems to me the major difference with teenage pregnancies now compared to the past. Now an accidentally pregnant 17 year old can access free, legal, safe, unstigmatised termination — it’s not even ‘just’ a choice between enduring an unwanted pregnancy and then having to choose whether to keep the baby or have it adopted, now she does not need to continue to be pregnant.

So for me it’s not at all to do with a seventeen-year-old getting pregnant, which happens easily — the Relationships board on Mn is full of accidental pregnancies on a daily basis — it’s to do with the decision being made to continue a pregnancy at seventeen, in the UK, in 2020. That is a far more mysterious thing, and one the OP hasn’t gone into.

@SnuggyBuggy

To be fair I'd warn my son just as strongly about unprotected sex at this age as he won't have the option of an abortion and in my experience most women I know at that age and even a bit older won't consider dating a man who already has a child.

That's a very good point.

I think it is best if dc concentrate on education and careers when teenagers. It's hard enough in life and no qualifications makes it far more difficult in later years'

Family background must play a part some of the time and what is normal for them

[quote NYNY211]@Cokie3 I am going to report your comment.
Just because someone has a baby at 17 doesn’t mean you can disrespect someone.
We don’t know what OPs sister or mother has said regarding abortion and it’s not your place to suggest that. You are over stepping the mark and assuming her mother has or hasn’t suggested the idea.

Don’t push your own opinion onto OP and her mother just because “you would encourage abortion”. You sound horrendous.[/quote]
Wow. You're the one who sounds horrendous! I said nothing wrong, the OP herself admitted that she didn't raise the issue, and I merely commented and posed the question if her mother did. That's all.

I am not 'pushing' my opinion any more than the OP is 'pushing' theirs, or you are pushing yours. The OP asked a question, I merely responded, and others have responded THE SAME WAY I have, so stop bullying me. You sound like a bully who likes to silence others whose opinions you don't agree with. Go away and leave me alone, I am reporting you for bullying and vexatiously reporting me.

@NYNY211 I have reported you for threatening to vexatiously report someone. You went too far.

No one is 'pushing' opinions, we are merely giving opinions that we were asked for. Giving an opinion is not the same as 'pushing' an opinion.

I can't imagine many parents wishing their child had a baby at 17 but what is done is done and it is your sisters choice. Her friends are not very nice if they troll her. One of sons friends hot his gf pregnant at 17 she was 18 when baby born. He got help from his parents to support gf and they live together and bring up.bsby together now. My son goes over to see them sometimes he has even babyysat a couple of times for about a hour each time and brought baby over to see me. I love babies. Your sister needs better less judgemental friends. Keep offering her your support.

Op isn't asking if it's what parents want for their child. What my mother still wants for me and the choices I make are different.

She's asking if it's OK. Which of course it is.

@veganmegan

You're being a bit naive if you claim you dong understand why people wouldn't want their child to be a teen parent though.

OK, I think I'm going to more or less stop responding to this thread now. Thank you to everyone for your contributions, but I'm clearly not getting my point across correctly. Have a lovely evening all and Happy New Year.

You are actually OP and you've answered some very personal questions reperedly. People just like to ride rough shod over others

@Wheresmykimchi

Op isn't asking if it's what parents want for their child. What my mother still wants for me and the choices I make are different.

She's asking if it's OK. Which of course it is.

Well, it’s not entirely clear what she means by ‘ok’ — she talked about wanting teenage mothers’ to receive ‘social respect’, but it’s equally not terribly clear what she means by that. Other than, obviously, not be subject to the unpleasant and misogynistic sexualised language her supposed friends used about her online, which is of course not ok in any sense.

I just think it's sad that people sit in judgement in a situation where the child is already born. If she was asking whether it's a great idea for 17 year old Dsis to have a baby id get it. She's looking for reassurance. I think the set up in he OP is a red herring.

@Wheresmykimchi

I just think it's sad that people sit in judgement in a situation where the child is already born. If she was asking whether it's a great idea for 17 year old Dsis to have a baby id get it. She's looking for reassurance. I think the set up in he OP is a red herring.

Well, people are just explaining why a majority of people think it’s not ‘ok’ in the sense of whether they think it’s a good decision for a 17 year old who has other options. They are also overwhelmingly saying that the online abuse the sister got from her ‘friends’ was appalling, and does not reflect the views of most people. There have also been a number of women who had babies at the same age giving a range of experiences and opinions.

No I get that @Candlesticking. It's bee an interesting read.

@JustLikeStitch

As someone who was a teenage mum, I do think there’s a big problem with teenagers having babies. It’s too young, you’ve zero life experience and often end up extremely alone and isolated - regardless of family support. It’s not fair for the babies and not fair for teenagers that are still children themselves.

This. ^

@Ideasplease322

17 year olds do make big decisions - let’s not patented having a baby Is the female equivalent of joining the military!

17 year olds make career choices, pick University or apprenticeships, decide whether to take a gap year, decide what a level subjects to do based on their abilities and career aspirations.

Boys get away Scott free - I agree it’s sexist and unfair.

But let’s not pretend a baby at 16 or 17 is a good decision. If planned it suggests the girl has limited options and ambitions. This is tragic.

And this too. ^

Agree with the posts above.

In my opinion, it's a bad idea to have a baby in your teens. Despite what some people say about how this girl and that girl they know went on to get a degree from a red brick University, and become a very successful career woman; the reality is quite different for the vast majority of teen mums.

It IS isolating, and you will be held back in life for sure, in most cases. Also, unless you have someone to look after your kids at the drop of a hat, you will have no social life, no travelling, no partying, no enjoying your youth. And you will certainly struggle to forge any career.

Whenever I hear of a girl under 20 having a baby, I don't think badly of her, but I do think 'she must think there is nothing else in life for her' because there is SO much more to life than tying yourself down with children when you're still a child yourself.

Having babies in your teens just ties you down to a life of drudgery IMO. I would have been very upset if my DD had got pregnant in her teens (and kept it.) I would have supported her, but would have been felt bad for her.

[quote littlepattilou]@JustLikeStitch

As someone who was a teenage mum, I do think there’s a big problem with teenagers having babies. It’s too young, you’ve zero life experience and often end up extremely alone and isolated - regardless of family support. It’s not fair for the babies and not fair for teenagers that are still children themselves.

This. ^

@Ideasplease322

17 year olds do make big decisions - let’s not patented having a baby Is the female equivalent of joining the military!

17 year olds make career choices, pick University or apprenticeships, decide whether to take a gap year, decide what a level subjects to do based on their abilities and career aspirations.

Boys get away Scott free - I agree it’s sexist and unfair.

But let’s not pretend a baby at 16 or 17 is a good decision. If planned it suggests the girl has limited options and ambitions. This is tragic.

And this too. ^

Agree with the posts above.

In my opinion, it's a bad idea to have a baby in your teens. Despite what some people say about how this girl and that girl they know went on to get a degree from a red brick University, and become a very successful career woman; the reality is quite different for the vast majority of teen mums.

It IS isolating, and you will be held back in life for sure, in most cases. Also, unless you have someone to look after your kids at the drop of a hat, you will have no social life, no travelling, no partying, no enjoying your youth. And you will certainly struggle to forge any career.

Whenever I hear of a girl under 20 having a baby, I don't think badly of her, but I do think 'she must think there is nothing else in life for her' because there is SO much more to life than tying yourself down with children when you're still a child yourself.

Having babies in your teens just ties you down to a life of drudgery IMO. I would have been very upset if my DD had got pregnant in her teens (and kept it.) I would have supported her, but would have been felt bad for her.[/quote]
The bit about having no career and no social life without someone to have your kids at the drop of a hat just isn't true , though.

If people can have their anecdotal bad stories , we can have the anecdotal good.

@NYNY211 Abortion was mentioned by many posters before I even brought it up, go back and have a look. Regardless, abortion is a woman's human right, so why are you trying to silence that option.

I haven't stalked your posts, I came across another thread where you were being nasty again. The only one gaslighting here, is you. If you don't like your own hypocrisy shown, don't start things with people who fill back and defend themselves. Next time don't try and shut people down, then do the same to someone else elsewhere. I will not put up with being bullied. Now again, please, just leave me alone and think twice next time before you attempt to bully someone and then gaslight them.

fill back should be fight back.

Anyway, I don't want to derail this thread, just pointing out I will not accept being bullied and vexatiously reported. Especially if you cannot take your own treatment back.

Having babies in your teens just ties you down to a life of drudgery IMO
What nonsense!

I commented at the beginning of the thread as I have gone on to have a very successful career, life etc after having a baby at 17 but I just wanted to add a couple of things as to not minimise having a baby so young.

My mum pretty much took on the role of second parent to my child for the first 5 years and we lived with her. I will be eternally grateful to her for this. I was able to have a social life, work nights and date because of this. She also provided my child with the patience and knowledge of an older mother.

I would say it wasn’t until I was around 23 that I was able to parent my daughter ‘well’ on my own.

I know this is completely hypocritical of me to say but unless that support network is there I always feel for the babies and young mund because without my mum I just wouldn’t have been able to provide her with the quality of life she has had. I just wasn’t old or mature enough.

My daughter was loved incredibly by me always though.

Having a baby in your teens doesn't tie you down to a life of drudgery. Their children will be adults by the time they are in their late 30s, plenty of time to have fun.

Obviously awful to call her a slut, vile word. But you must know it’s not ideal to have a baby when you are 17! Me and all my friends didn’t start having babies until we were 30. Went to uni, brilliant fun in our 20s, progressed in our careers, got married, bought houses and then had babies. Would be devastated if my kids had a baby so young.

I said nothing wrong, the OP herself admitted that she didn't raise the issue, and I merely commented and posed the question if her mother did.

When did I ever say this? I wrote specifically; "Abortion was never an option for my DSis, she had no desire to do it and I would never have coaxed her into it out of my "disappointment" (nor would my parents)."

The fact that I know her views on abortion suggests I had a conversation with her about it, no?

We had a long discussion about it and her plans either way, and she decided abortion was not an option for her. Let's not bring what you think my sister should have done into the equation, given she's already had her son and it's offensive.

One thing I've noticed over the years working with young people is most of them at 17 are having sex.
The ones being vocal about calling someone a slut just haven't got pregnant yet!!
They are hypocrites!

Drudgery is thrown around a lot on this thread.

Please remember there are people probably on this thread living child free life's when it's all they want in the world.

Op isn't asking if it's what parents want for their child.

No, but she did ask^ those who had commented they would not want this for their child, to clarify why^ they hold this view. So we did.