To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

Also as a pp said unfortunately the outcomes for children of teenager mothers are generally very poor. That doesn’t mean there aren’t some exceptions but generally it is not a great situation.

Congratulations to your sister and welcome to the beautiful baby @veganmegan
She’ll need support,all mums do,and keep on with her education and/or training

You're being a bit naive if you claim you dong understand why people wouldn't want their child to be a teen parent though.

OK, I think I'm going to more or less stop responding to this thread now. Thank you to everyone for your contributions, but I'm clearly not getting my point across correctly. Have a lovely evening all and Happy New Year.

Op, I think everyone has agreed that teen mothers should be treated with the same respect and should not be called names. It’s not 1950!

But you have made quite unusual and naive arguments which I do think suggest a very narrow perspective on life.

A lot of people on this thread what teenage girls to have so much more from life, but you seem to keep arguing against that.

I wish you a brilliant 2021.

Just that teenage mothers should be socially respected to the same extent as other women, regardless of age.

This goes without saying - of course they deserve respect like anyone else. But I think you're confusing a parent's emotional response to a life changing event for their child (ie devastation), with the notion that teen mums are undeserving of societal respect. These are two separate issues. Parents can still be devastated for their own child whilst expecting and hoping that their child is still respected, despite their less than ideal circumstances.

The reason why it isn't ideal for teenagers to become parents is because they aren't adults themselves. While it is of course correct that people can successfully raise a child had as a teenager it's also true that it makes life so much more difficult.

I'm the second teenage pregnancy of my mum. We have all done well in life, jobs, careers etc. But my mum def made choices as she was growing up that as a reflective adult prob would have made better ones.

Also physically the human body is affected by having early pregnancies.

But obviously anyone who judge someone and calls them names are idiots.

I've definitely held views that have completely changed once I was in that situation personally - I think in some contexts it's quite tricky to know where you stand in a practical issue based on a theoretical perspective.

OP, this is your own quote from further up thread.

Surely, then, you understand that the perspective of a mother and what they would or wouldn't want for their own child, and why they may or may not use words like "devastated" in relation to teen pregnancy, is something that is better understood when you personally have been in that situation?

I had my DS at 35, one of my closest friends I've made through school is 17 years younger than me, I'm only a couple of years younger than her parents. Oh, how I envy her energy, I'm now nearly 48 and knackered whereas she's 31, has gone on to have 2 more babies (only child was never my plan but it's what life has chosen), is now a working single parent and still leaps around like a spring lamb, gets dressed up and goes clubbing (pre-Covid). Seriously, her FB timeline wears me out!

Your sister will even know who sings the music her child is listening to, mine is well informed on the 80s and 90s 😂

On the one hand I'm glad the balance has tipped more in favour of waiting to start a family until you are financially settled, and away from the single, early teen pregnancies which were prevalent many years ago. On the other hand I am appalled that your sister has had to suffer this from so called friends. Once it's a done deal, then friends should support.

Teen pregnancies are generally not a good thing for the individual or for society, but a baby is something to be celebrated and loved

I think it greatly depends on the person, some teens are mature or mature with having kids, some just don't. I never thought age should be an indicator of when people should do things.

@Mommabear20

I think it greatly depends on the person, some teens are mature or mature with having kids, some just don't. I never thought age should be an indicator of when people should do things.

But surely even a mature 17 year old shouldn’t have a baby - she should focus on school work, on her career, on building a life and experiences.

I have found this thread really quite depressing - do we not want more for girls?

The post before me is ridiculous.

Ideasplease322 Absolutely. Ten times absolutely. It is, sadly, poor girls who end up pregnant and their babies who suffer. We should want more for them and more importantly, perhaps, better lives for any children they bear.

Those talking about it not being the 1950s are right. Now we have highly effective contraception that is readily available but should, perhaps, be more so. We need at every opportunity to be educating young people about the law and risks to any child born. We should be re-emphasising the actual norms rather than assumed norms and helping girls understand it’s usual not to sleep around and have unprotected sex as a child.

@Cokie3 Too far. OP is young and you can see that from the end of her posts... however your post is just as dramatic.

It is an epically bad decision and it does show a lot of immaturity. Fortunately though the system will intervene and attempt to make sure mum and baby can live the life she has chosen.

[quote NYNY211]@Cokie3 Too far. OP is young and you can see that from the end of her posts... however your post is just as dramatic.[/quote]
I am not sure how saying that the OP, and her mum, should have actually brought up the issue of abortion more and not just been so passive is 'dramatic'.

OP, was terminating the pregnancy seriously discussed with your sister?

There is a danger, and I empathise where it is coming from by the way that we are infantilising women and girls. Granted she’s only 17, but there will be Male peers of around her age aspiring to make the decision to enter into the military. Fewer people would look askance at such a choice, and certainly wider society would look on such a decision with respect and in some quarters admiration.

I think if we’re going to have this discussion where we are reinforcing notions that 17 year old girls are daft and making decisions like this are open to criticism if not actual outright hostility we need to open up the discussion to perhaps maybe raising the age of consent entirely for both men and women to whatever age we all feel collectively is the “correct” one for bringing new life into the world.

I am uncomfortable in the extreme in how the moral failings/stupidity for teenage pregnancy is laid entirely at the door of the girls in this equation, and the boys mostly absent.

I would prefer we lived in a somewhat kinder society. If we were all slightly less keen to rush to judgement and perhaps more willing to rush to support, it wouldn’t be quite such a mess. Just because a teenager decides to have a child does not mean her life or prospects have to flatline entirely.

They aren't friends of your sister's, she's better off without them.
There is no perfect age to have a child, not everyone wants to do more education and career straight after school or ever in some cases. Young mums have plenty of time later to join the world of work etc if they wish. Some people are amazing mothers/fathers at any age others aren't. Age is not an indicator.
One of our dc has just had a baby young (early 20s). They have a partner, house, jobs, great support network if required etc. I have no doubt they will be brilliant parents.

To be fair I'd warn my son just as strongly about unprotected sex at this age as he won't have the option of an abortion and in my experience most women I know at that age and even a bit older won't consider dating a man who already has a child.

@Dervel

There is a danger, and I empathise where it is coming from by the way that we are infantilising women and girls. Granted she’s only 17, but there will be Male peers of around her age aspiring to make the decision to enter into the military. Fewer people would look askance at such a choice, and certainly wider society would look on such a decision with respect and in some quarters admiration.

I think if we’re going to have this discussion where we are reinforcing notions that 17 year old girls are daft and making decisions like this are open to criticism if not actual outright hostility we need to open up the discussion to perhaps maybe raising the age of consent entirely for both men and women to whatever age we all feel collectively is the “correct” one for bringing new life into the world.

I am uncomfortable in the extreme in how the moral failings/stupidity for teenage pregnancy is laid entirely at the door of the girls in this equation, and the boys mostly absent.

I would prefer we lived in a somewhat kinder society. If we were all slightly less keen to rush to judgement and perhaps more willing to rush to support, it wouldn’t be quite such a mess. Just because a teenager decides to have a child does not mean her life or prospects have to flatline entirely.

Well yeah, if you don't like the military you can leave before your basic is up.

And at under 18 you will not be front line just logistics.

As someone who was a teenage mum, I do think there’s a big problem with teenagers having babies. It’s too young, you’ve zero life experience and often end up extremely alone and isolated - regardless of family support. It’s not fair for the babies and not fair for teenagers that are still children themselves

17 year olds do make big decisions - let’s not patented having a baby Is the female equivalent of joining the military!

17 year olds make career choices, pick
University or apprenticeships, decide whether to take a gap year, decide what a level subjects to do based on their abilities and career aspirations.

Boys get away Scott free - I agree it’s sexist and unfair.

But let’s not pretend a baby at 16 or 17 is a good decision. If planned it suggests the girl has limited options and ambitions. This is tragic.