To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

Also I have a question -- for those who said they would be devastated (or words to that effect) by their child becoming a teen parent, what would your actual practical actions be? E.g. would you be quietly disappointed but move on and be supportive of whatever your child wanted, or would you make your feelings known ( / try to enforce a fertility choice that you thought was the best one)?

@veganmegan it’s normal to be disappointed and shocked you don’t expect your DD to come home and say mum I’m pregnant do you at 17? Have you got kids yourself OP?

I would support my child and I would not sway them into having an abortion. Because it’s not my choice and it’s not the end of the world. I think it’s very silly to say age doesn’t matter or imply you can go travelling at any age... it’s not the bloody same. You cannot regain your youth it’s priceless.

I would move to quickly support my daughter whatever decision she took. I would try and understand how my daughter wanted to proceed and move heaven and earth to make sure she still had the opportunities and options she aspired to.

Education would be my main focus, so childcare if she wanted to keep the baby.

It’s not the end of the world, but not a path I would chose for my child. It would all be about making the most of the situation, making my daughter feel loved and supported, and creating a living secure life for the new child in 5e family (if that was my daughters choice).

Agreed on the travelling - I spent a year travelling in my early twenties. Most of the fun was having no responsibilities and taking my time, not caring about real life.

I travel a lot now, but it’s very different. I will never recapture those times no matter how hard I try and how much money I spend.

it’s normal to be disappointed and shocked you don’t expect your DD to come home and say mum I’m pregnant do you at 17

I think shocked is fair enough, but "devastation" and "mortified" are maybe a notch above that?

I think it’s very silly to say age doesn’t matter or imply you can go travelling at any age... it’s not the bloody same.

I'm young so I guess I can't argue with that point, but I do think there's sometimes a touch of nostalgia that will always make things more pleasant in hindsight. I have no kids and I still can't travel, it's not an either / or type of deal.

I had my first at 19. She’s now 14 and I have a 12 year old and a 4 year old too. All the same dad and we are happily still together. I wouldn’t change it for the world. However I would hope my daughter didn’t have a child until she is more settled and has a career, only because I know how hard it is to do it the other way round.

@veganmegan

Also I have a question -- for those who said they would be devastated (or words to that effect) by their child becoming a teen parent, what would your actual practical actions be? E.g. would you be quietly disappointed but move on and be supportive of whatever your child wanted, or would you make your feelings known ( / try to enforce a fertility choice that you thought was the best one)?

My DD is 14 and I'd be devastated if she was a teen mum, but practically once the situation had arisen there's very little I could do other than be supportive and be there for her as much as I could, emotionally, practically and financially. But I still hope and pray it doesn't happen as it's definitely not what I want for her.

@veganmegan my nana cried when her DDs got pregnant 17 and 18. I think you have misunderstood here. My nana is the kindest person ever she cried because her own childhood was hard and she grew up poor and she also scrimped and scraped to raise 3 kids under 5 on little money.

I would be devastated too. I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t be. That doesn’t mean I would grudge my own child or anybody for being a teen mum.

I think maybe when your older or become a mum you will know why some posters are recommending education before a baby. Motherhood is bloody hard work. There’s no days off! I had my DS at 23 and I love him dearly but I’m glad I had my girls holidays and went out with my friends on nights out (experiences and memories)

Motherhood is a new journey and I have travelled with DS to DLP and to the Caribbean it’s great but obviously priorities change and the holidays are centred to DS needs not mine

I have no kids and quite a good disposable income. I travel a lot, love city breaks to major UK cities, Asia and Europe. Also have done the family camping Italian holidays with friends.

It is great fun and I am very lucky, but it is very, very different to the back packing type travelling I did in my late teens and early twenties.

It is a little patronising of you, who has done neither if I am picking you up correctly, to suggest it’s just nostalgia talking. Sitting around a campfire in the Australian outback in a group of strangers When you are 19 is totally different to travelling in your thirties and forties. You don’t pick up friends as easily, there isn’t the same easy going atmosphere. The time when you can stay in youth hostels etc are limited.

There is a whole world out there you haven’t experienced, and lecturing people who have been there is a little immature😊

Should have been major US cities not UK - that would be a bit shit😂😂

If my teen DD told me she was pregnant, wanted to keep the baby and it was up to me to support her - meaning I had to reduce hours to provide childcare, delay retirement, pay for nursery fees, struggle to support my other kids etc etc - NEVER MIND the impact on my DD’s education, life chances, risk of poverty then yea, I’d be devastated.

I think you have misunderstood here. My nana is the kindest person ever she cried because her own childhood was hard and she grew up poor and she also scrimped and scraped to raise 3 kids under 5 on little money.

I can understand the feelings I think, but it's maybe the use of the word devastation. To me, that suggests an attitude of "DD's life is insurmountably ruined" which I don't think is correct (and as I've mentioned upthread I think has a tendency to become a self-fulfilling prophecy). Same with the word "mortified", that suggests to me extreme embarrassment or humiliation and I don't think anyone should be ashamed necessarily for becoming a teen parent (or the parent of one).

I've just picked those examples as I found them to stick out in my mind. I think being shocked and concerned are standard and valid emotions in and of themselves, maybe it's just a linguistic miscommunication rather than an ethical one.

There is a whole world out there you haven’t experienced, and lecturing people who have been there is a little immature😊

I don't think I've lectured anyone, but forgive me if it has come across that way.

No, I have not travelled on my own independently - mainly because I don't have the money for it and because I'm disabled in a way that would make travelling very anxiety-inducing for me. I would feel very fortunate if I were able to travel. But similarly, I don't think it's unreasonable to say that nostalgia can sometimes play a part in remembering things better than they were at the time - I've experienced the same thing, it's not me calling out anyone else. You can perceive that as immature if you like.

Ah poor girl. That’s awful. It’s not ideal to have a baby so young but regardless they have no right o be so awful. Best for her to block them all and get on and enjoy her baby.

I have no kids

OP, with respect, I do think this is why it's impossible for you to understand why many parents would feel devastated for their teenage child to become pregnant. Until you've been a mother, it's hard to understand why^ that's just not what any parent actively wants^ for their child. Doesn't mean they wouldn't stand by them fully if it unfortunately happened. But it's honestly not top of most parents' wish list for their kids.

But it's honestly not top of most parents' wish list for their kids.

To be fair, I'm not suggesting it should be. You shouldn't actively want it for your child, unless they actively want it (and then it's a different conversation all together).

I can understand the feelings I think, but it's maybe the use of the word devastation.

The Cambridge dictionary defines devastated as the state of being "very shocked and upset". I think that's a fair enough emotional response when your teenage daughter tells you that they're pregnant.

I looked up the word "devastation" and it said:

great destruction or damage.
"the floods caused widespread devastation"

severe and overwhelming shock or grief.
"she spoke of her devastation at his death"

So did I, and it said:

Essentially, it doesn't matter - it's semantics. I think the point really is that until you're a parent yourself, it will always be hard to understand why that word seems the only appropriate one to describe how it would feel to a lot of parents to find out their child was pregnant.

I wasn't doubting you.
The examples provided are often involving natural disasters or death though, so maybe that's why I have that association.

I think you are very young and maybe don’t understand how many options and how much potential a teenager has. What a big world it is out there and how far you in it.

It’s is absolutely dreadful to call a young girl nasty names simple because she gets pregnant.

But it is also understandable to see that a 17 year old becoming pregnant is very far from ideal, it makes life much more difficult for that girl and for many the outcome is poor.

That is why governments around the work invest so much in reducing the teen pregnancy rate.

It’s horrible how her peers have treated your sister but as you said they’re kids. So is your sister and so it’s not ideal for her to be having a child herself. I would absolutely support dd if she had a baby as a teen but I wouldn’t want that for her.

OP, with respect, I do think this is why it's impossible for you to understand why many parents would feel devastated for their teenage child to become pregnant. Until you've been a mother, it's hard to understand why^^ that's just not what any parent actively wants for their child. Doesn't mean they wouldn't stand by them fully if it unfortunately happened. But it's honestly not top of most parents' wish list for their kids

I agree.
There is a huge difference between supporting your child through situation and loving them unconditionally and wanting them to be in a situation that you know is likely to (on population level, not individually) be linked to poorer education outcomes, lower employment, etc.

There's also, rightly or wrongly, probably different responses between becoming a teen parent as an independent adult of 18/19 who has finished college and has their level 3 qualifications and becoming a teen parent when still in school or college, living at home, financially dependent on your own parents.

Nothing excuses the bullying towards your sister. There's some disgusting misogyny behind those comments. You're being a bit naive if you claim you dong understand why people wouldn't want their child to be a teen parent though.

But it is also understandable to see that a 17 year old becoming pregnant is very far from ideal, it makes life much more difficult for that girl and for many the outcome is poor.

Again, not saying it's ideal nor should it be aimed for. Just that teenage mothers should be socially respected to the same extent as other women, regardless of age.

And in fact, "severe and overwhelming shock or grief" would also be appropriate for me, if I'm honest! My grief would be for the life I wanted and hoped my daughter would have. Grief results from loss. In my mind, I'd feel a loss at the sense of what could have been for her if she fell pregnant so young.

By the way, none of this takes away from the fact that the language used towards your sister in the OP is disgusting and should never be condoned. But the strong feelings towards teen pregnancy voiced on this thread in relation to your own child really is something I honestly think only a parent can understand.