To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

@CorianderBee

Also do think it's a class thing, DP and I have been together 7 years since we were 18 and we're not planning on getting married until we're 30ish as it would be embarrassing

Why would be embarassing?

My mum always said that if I got pregnant before I finished university she would worry about my work prospects but she would a) have me home in a heartbeat b) help me raise the child.

She was pro choice, not some religious nut, but I think she wanted me to know the decision was mine and she would support me either way.

I lucked out with my mum didn't I. Gawd rest her soul.

in which class is it embarrassing to get married before 30?! confused

I don't agree with it, but I think there's middle class pressure to do most committed things in your thirties and not younger (e.g. kids, marriage etc).

My mum always said that if I got pregnant before I finished university she would worry about my work prospects but she would a) have me home in a heartbeat b) help me raise the child.

She was pro choice, not some religious nut, but I think she wanted me to know the decision was mine and she would support me either way.

I think that's what I mean by "OK" to be a teen mum, in the context of caring and supporting your children even if they pick out (or end up in) lifestyles you didn't previously envision. She sounds genuinely lovely.

@heydoggee

My mum always said that if I got pregnant before I finished university she would worry about my work prospects but she would a) have me home in a heartbeat b) help me raise the child.

She was pro choice, not some religious nut, but I think she wanted me to know the decision was mine and she would support me either way.

I lucked out with my mum didn't I. Gawd rest her soul.

My mum always said she wouldn't. I took the morning after pill a few times, terrified to tell her.

*if I was 30/40 having my first I don't think it would of been the same. I want to be able to run around with them, make the most out of their childhood,doing all the fun things like getting on rollercoasters ect. Not having to worry that Iv pulled my back out

@leroi98 do you realise how naive and immature you sound?

I hope my daughter doesn't become a mother too early, just because I want her to enjoy some freedom during her youth. I don't think young mums are slags or anything like that, that's disgusting.

Glad that your sister is enjoying parenthood and all the best to her.

I think it's pathetic and narrow minded to stigmatise teen mums like that especially because boys don't get the same.

When I had my first I wasn't married and the responses were ridiculous - my family told me my child would be taken into care, we'd be on the streets, I would never be good enough for any man. My aunt even told me if my cousin had a baby out of wedlock she and her husband would never speak to her again and probably end up getting a divorce (??).

There's no one right way to do things and people who think that way generally have a pretty uninspired worldview. If you want to make it work in most cases you can.

Teenage mums I know are still able to live a fairly normal life with their parents providing free accommodation, doing a lot of night feeds, providing free childcare so that the mum can finish her education or go to work etc. Dads are often not on the scene or if they are are a lot less involved than grandma. Which is all absolutely fine if all are happy (baby is probably well looked after and mums life chances relatively unaffected) but I guess it doesn't really fit our cultural norm of setting up home with your own partner and being financially self supporting.

@ukgift2016

*if I was 30/40 having my first I don't think it would of been the same. I want to be able to run around with them, make the most out of their childhood,doing all the fun things like getting on rollercoasters ect. Not having to worry that Iv pulled my back out

@leroi98 do you realise how naive and immature you sound?

Oh no. Im nearly 30. Is this it for me

I had ds when I was 18.
Then dd when I was 23.

It's not something I would want for either of my children, if it happens then obviously I would be there and help and support them in any way I possibly could, but I would want them to enjoy their youth, go clubbing, go travelling, take time to date and fall in love. I'm still with my children's father & we're married now. But we never got to properly go on dates, or holidays together or anything like that, and even now we still can't due to childcare. ( kids are now 9 & 5)

I had my first when I was 18. I'm now early 30s with my own business and I own 2 houses. It didn't turn out bad for me and my kids have never wanted for anything. Your sister will be fine. She doesn't need people like that in her life. Too many judgemental people these days

To the class question
No I don’t think it’s a class thing, I mean until Mumsnet I didn’t really think about eBay class I fell in.
However if I go by Mumsnet standards I am 100 percent middle class and I had my DS at 15 🤷‍♀️

There are pro's and con's , my friend had both her children in her late teens and early twenties, she is now in her mid 40's with a professional job and can do absolutely anything she wants whenever she wants.
Another friend had her first child at 38 and could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted up to that point, they both got the same chunk of doing as they pleased, just at different points in their life.

As a mother of teens I'm really not up for looking after more dc.
Babies really aren't my thing and I don't want to do any more childcare right now.

After a good few years break I'll lean into a supportive grandmother role if my dc want me too but I wouldn't want to have to be caring for dc just as my dc should be leaving home.

(Also just wanted to mention that at the terrible old age of 45! I can still manage a roller coaster without putting my back out!)

My mum had me when she was 17. She was/ is a great mum and I have had a good life.

I wouldn't recommend it because it's hard work and I could see what my mum missed out on and what he sacrificed.

It also put pressure on me to 'prove everyone wrong' because I knew everything thought I'd be 'just like my mum'. But that was there problem not mine and I shouldn't have let it effect me.

Being young doesn't make you a bad mum.

Whilst I wouldn't want this for my daughter, having a baby as a teenager doesn't warrant that kind of abuse. Its uncalled for and it's just nasty.

I don't think a 17 year old is going to be financially secure to look after a baby and I feel it would affect her education. It makes things hard....life's hard enough.

I think when you have a baby, you should be in a position to afford the roof over your head...the bills.....buy things for your baby etc.. how can a 17 year old do that....when they've just left education.

I also think she would miss out on things that her age mates are doing due to the responsibility she has.

My DM got married at 17...had Dsis at 19 and she talks about some struggles they had.

I certainly wouldn't vocalise my opinion to anyone except my own kids and they know how I feel. My youngest is 18 and in University...so her getting pregnant would be disappointing...as it will affect her education.

I watch teen moms with my DDs and it always seems to be the girls who miss out on so much by having a baby so young.

Had my first at 17 and fourth at 31. Can honestly say I'm the least slutty person I know!! In all honesty you always lose "friends" when you have children. I wish your sister all the best with her beautiful baby.

What appalling, misogynistic abuse. Being a teenage mum is fine in and of itself, it's other people's ignorant and spiteful attitudes that are the problem. My DD1 is 15 and I would be worried if she got pregnant, but I would support her 100%. Your sister is lucky to have such a kind big sister and I hope everything goes well for her and the little one.

I'm now 22 & also have a 1 year old. If I was 30/40 having my first I don't think it would of been the same

You're 22. Unless you have a crystal ball you have no idea how you will feel or what life will be at 30 or 40 years old. You have not lived long enough to comment on what it's like to be 30 or 40!

What a silly argument to put forward. I think you've made the opposite point to the one you were aiming for.

I had my eldest son at 16, he’s 27 now. I had a lot of people say similar, either to my face or behind my back. More parents of other kids than kids themselves. Well I knew I’d prove them wrong, I had a few months off then went to college, Uni, I graduated when my son was 6, I was so proud. I then moved 250 miles away from wales to London for a job, we knew no-one. I earn more than all my old school friends. Not that it’s a competition but I didn’t ruin my life. Would I want the same for my now 12yr old daughter in 3.5yrs time? No, definitely not.

@shelbyrae

I think it's pathetic and narrow minded to stigmatise teen mums like that especially because boys don't get the same.

When I had my first I wasn't married and the responses were ridiculous - my family told me my child would be taken into care, we'd be on the streets, I would never be good enough for any man. My aunt even told me if my cousin had a baby out of wedlock she and her husband would never speak to her again and probably end up getting a divorce (??).

There's no one right way to do things and people who think that way generally have a pretty uninspired worldview. If you want to make it work in most cases you can.

Boys don’t get the same because it’s not their life’s that changes is it? Unless the boy swops roles? With the mother which isn’t too common.

People who say things like this are the reason why my 14 year old son said to me yesterday "you shouldn't have had me mum, everyone says you ruin your life having a kid so young". I was 17, I've done everything to support us over the past 14 years and I don't for a second regret having him.
I am furious that people think it's okay to say things like this to people just based on ages.. I know a 35 year old mother that doesn't have a clue how to support her children, age is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

As long as she's trying her best then no one has the right to say anything!

@bounce89 I am so sorry that that way of thinking has been so normalised, it's horrible and I wish I knew how to solve the stigmatization of teen mums (for you, my DSis and all the teen parents who have to put up with shoddy stereotypes).