To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

My mum and dad had me when they were 17. I had a wonderful childhood and my parents we're together until I was 15. Unfortunately my mum died when I was 26 so I'm especially grateful that she had me young.

I mean it’s not idea, it’s always better to wait until you’ve a secure job and finished education etc. But it happens and some of the best mums I know were teen mums. That is just childish nasty behaviour.

A teen mom... gosh yes i would judge that. You throwing away so many things in life by being a mum so young. You are supposed to enter an age filled with fun and friends and late nights out and experiencing things/materials/stuff. So if i was 17 and my friend had a baby i would have surely called her out for it. Not calling her a slag but yeah id had some things to say for sure
Absolutely ridiculous post.
Why is it your place to say things? It really isn't.
Also not every 17 year old is having a fun packed life.
I certainly wasn't. Nor are the young people I work with.
Many young people I have worked with who have had children young have a focus that wasn't there before.
I would say a lot are not 'throwing away' many things but often gaining.
Not everyone wants to travel. I didn't until I was in my 30s. Not everyone wants loads of friends and nights out.
There's a lot to be said for a close knit family of support.
If it was my child getting those messages I would be telling her to come off SM for a while and block them when she goes back.

Also not every 17 year old is having a fun packed life.
I certainly wasn't. Nor are the young people I work with.

I've not travelled independently ever nor do I frequent clubs / bars because I just don't have the money for it. Some of my former friends do manage to go to parties every weekend but they're drug abusers (I'm not saying all hardcore partiers are drug abusers, but it seems to be a common occurrence in my personal life). Unless someone wants to make a lavish donation to every teen and early-twenty-something so that they can do all the "wild youth" stuff people seem to enjoy talking about, the reality is for a lot of people life is a bit crap until at least your mid-twenties anyway.

@Oliversmumsarmy

I don’t think at 17 there is any missing out. You can still do al of these things, you are just not maybe doing it in a certain order.

That assumes resources - time, finances so that the young mother can be supported to raise the baby. A seventeen year old with no support around them can definitely miss out. Access to education if nothing else. The trust I worked for closed units like mine due to the cost. Pregnant girls were expected to be supported at their local school. Didn’t happen. Huge drop out rate.

I'm in my 40s with still no great urge to "travel" , whatever that really means. I like a holiday like most people. That wouldn't have been a "missing out". And I never liked clubbing till I was almost 30!

For me, the emotional aspect of being responsible for someone else would have been too much at 17.

I'd like my kids to be adults for a while without having to think of someone else first if possible.

But I don't have a moral judgement on it, no.

Couples split after years of marriage with children. There's no guarantee of security.

Everyone is on a different path.

For me, a baby at 17 would have been a disaster. I would have been asked to leave school, and would have struggled to finish my a levels. I might not have made it to university, and certainly wouldn’t have traveled. It is unlikely I would have the job and lifestyle I enjoy now.

But I would have a child - so not all bad😊.

About the travelling etc

Surely all of this could be said about any age and also responsibility.
I know many 30 years olds with kids who have shocking parenting skills, not financially able etc

I am so proud of my boy no matter the age I had him
I went travelling - just had a child with me.
I got my career - just with a child
I did everything apart from not binge drink, sleep around and waste my time.

id be devastated if any of mine got pregnant so young to be honest.

congrats to your family!

Your sister is lucky to have you on her side.
Her friends sound awful and really illogical assuming that all Her Peers aren't virgins. Pregnancy is a natural consequence of sex. It does mean that her choices may be limited for a while but I have met lots of young people who have made excellent parents and given their children an excellent start in life.

Also it doesn't matter if your DD thinks it's a smart move, accidents happen and delegating teen pregnancy to something that only happens to stupid / irresponsible / naive girls is frankly incorrect. Many adults get accidentally pregnant, it's a potential side effect of sex not a moral failing.

Accidents do happen contraception is not yet a perfect science and I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested that accidental pregnancy is a 'moral failing', which is an attitude that has largely, thankfully, fallen by the wayside.

Two points, though -- (1) adults who have an unplanned pregnancy are almost certainly in a far better place to support a child resulting from an accidental pregnancy, in all senses, not just financially, should they choose to continue the pregnancy, and also, (2) it is not necessary to continue an accidental pregnancy to term. Over half of all teenagers who became pregnant in 2017 in England and Wales terminated. Teenagers from the most deprived areas are least likely to terminate, teenagers from the least deprived areas are most likely to terminate.

@Whattheactual20201

About the travelling etc

Surely all of this could be said about any age and also responsibility.
I know many 30 years olds with kids who have shocking parenting skills, not financially able etc

I am so proud of my boy no matter the age I had him
I went travelling - just had a child with me.
I got my career - just with a child
I did everything apart from not binge drink, sleep around and waste my time.

I am sure you have lived a successful life and have raised an exceptional child.

But assuming everyone else was wasting their lives is ridiculous😊.

It’s not as black and white as that.

Teenage pregnancy happens - it’s not the end if the world but nor should it be celebrated.

It can significantly narrow life opportunities for many girls. It’s great that it didn’t alter your path - many aren’t so lucky.

I wouldn't be at all happy if my daughter was a teenage mum. Loss of freedom/opportunities etc.
I had a school friend who got pregnant, deliberately, just to get a council house and benefits. She was very proud of this, and went on to have another child. Her eldest now is repeating the process and has several children. She brags continually about how 'well' he is doing thanks to taxpayers funding his lifestyle. She's never worked a day in over 30 years. It disgusts me.

I think anyone becoming a parent to a wanted child, without there being any coercion involved is cause for celebration. Sure it’s not easy becoming a parent at any age, and obvs a 17 year old will have less life experience. However on the other hand youth being on her side will likely mean her health will bounce back post pregnancy and she’ll have more energy than someone 10-20 years older.

There are pros and cons, but there is no one way to live a life. I recall at a baby group I attended when my son was born the one teen mother there was somewhat socially ostracised, which I thought was a bit mean. She was nice enough.

When I say it shouldn’t be celebrated, I of course mean any child who de comes pregnant should be supported, and encouraged to continue her education, and even go on to university if she Wants.

But Becoming a mother so young has an inevitability negative impact on educational outcomes, life options etc. Some rise to the challenge, and overcome the obstacles. But I would rather those obstacles weren’t there And motherhood was delayed for a few years. If the teenage fathers had to drop out of school etc I think the story would be different.

I would want my 17 year old daughter to be planning for university not a baby. It’s such an Inequality.

Over half of all teenagers who became pregnant in 2017 in England and Wales terminated. Teenagers from the most deprived areas are least likely to terminate, teenagers from the least deprived areas are most likely to terminate.

I was a teenage mum, fell pregnant at 18 and gave birth a few months after my 19th birthday. I went to a baby group at my surestart centre specifically for teenage parents every week, most of the other mums were from deprived backgrounds. What struck me was a lot of them had quite limited aspirations even before falling pregnant (eg had already left school with no GCSEs and no plans for further education) and a couple of girls who were 18/19 were quite open to the fact their babies were planned. I honestly think for a lot of them they didn’t really see what life had to offer beyond motherhood.

My own pregnancy was a shock and didn’t fit in at all with my plans (i had just sat my final A-level exams and had a place at university) so that was a huge consideration.

I would prefer my DC to be older if possible before having kids and more stable in terms of jobs / houses etc as it make life slightly easier.

However it’s rude to call someone such names for having babies so young. I never judge anyone that young, most of the time the baby isn’t planned and they are making the most of the situation. Good on them.

I have three people I know who all had babies as teenagers, two worked their butts off and have very nice lifestyles now and one who didn’t and now complains about her life style. It’s what you make of it.

I am so sorry your family was subjected to such abuse OP..that cn never be right in any way shape or form. I have to say I think its not ideal but thats just my opinion on having a baby so young.My reasons for this are more of a practical nature.At 16 you are not in a position to raise a child to provide for a child to finance a child or home a child. Yes with parental support and family help you can but your not doing it yourself.Its sort of like playing at it I guess,if you are not paying the rent and living under someone elses roof or you are not earning money to finance yourself or your child. I was 19 when I had my first and I was terrified and didnt know a foot of the way or what to expect so I imagine younger mums would struggle with it all as I did. Having said that it is what it is and if baby is here then with support I guess it can be a blessing. I would like everyone to have more life experience first and that was learned by me from doing it too...

My mum was 18 when she had me, her sister were 17 and sixteen. They were all married to the father of th children and were still married when one of them died. My daughter was 18 when she had her first but had horrendous pnd. That led to a few problems but being a bad mum wasn't one of them.

@goose1964

My mum was 18 when she had me, her sister were 17 and sixteen. They were all married to the father of th children and were still married when one of them died. My daughter was 18 when she had her first but had horrendous pnd. That led to a few problems but being a bad mum wasn't one of them.

I suspect this as a very different time?

Of course there are lots of women who become mothers in their teens.

It doesn’t make them bad mothers, not does it mean they should be called names. That is just ridiculous.

But the lack of ambition mentioned by a previous poster for some of the girls is heartbreaking.

Seventeen year olds (girls and boys) should be focused on their education and training. Babies will inevitable get in the way of this.

Did your mum and her sisters complete their education? Did your daughter?

I had my DS aged 19, I was in the first year of a finance degree. There was a lot of stigma about it at the time, although as I was older people didn't call me a slag (most fellow students were pretty promiscuous too, and several of them got pregnant but all of them terminated). Completed my degree and postgrad and have been working at a senior level for many years.

I was given a nice 2 bed council house (although it was 20 years ago so less likely to happen now) which I now own and rent out, along with several other other BTL properties.

I absolutely forgot about my sister being a teen mum!
I'd left home when she became pregnant. Her boyfriend was so lovely and charming until she became pregnant and then he turned into a nasty vicious thug. She had to get a restraining order in him and she was beaten so many times before she confessed to what was really going on.
We are in our fifties now but mum and dad did not approve but the minute the baby was born they were in love and the child could do no wrong! Even 35 years later he is still the wonder guy! To be fair he is a hard worker, proud of his mum, did extremely well at school and uni never been in any trouble loves his grandparents ( my mum and dad) spends loads of time with my dad and his step dad watching football joking around and just generally hanging out. An all round nice bloke.
My sister has gone from a complete wild child to a middle class career woman who handles company accounts and manages the financial team.
I never envisaged her with a large house, fantastic career with a holiday home in Greece ( I may have changed the country for outing sake!😂😂) Well done her, I'm so proud of her.
I'm so glad social media wasn't around when she got pregnant. She is not a 'slag' or any disgusting name judgemental arsewipes want to throw around. Fortunately many of the friends she had then are still friends with her now.
She did have loads of support from mum and dad. which allowed her to continue her job as a junior clerk and then study and progress through the company.
One thing you can guarantee is what ever life choices a woman makes it will be discussed, judged and criticised by other women!

which I now own and rent out, along with several other other BTL properties.

You'll def get called all the names under the sun for that.

I think people need to remember people post in all sort of guises on here and the OP could well be the mother.