To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

[veganmegan]

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

Generations ago I think couples made it work and today it’s a lot more complex

Generations ago, weddings were all but forced on young couples who got pregnant. Whilst I am sure many of those worked out just fine, the suggestion that in the past, people somehow worked harder at marriage is utter bollox. What actually happened in the past is that people lived in abusive relationships, with partners who were next to useless, refused to work, gambled or drunk family monies, slept with other people etc etc. The stigma of single parenting lead many, many women to remain in situations which today we consider untenable. Thankfully, changing attitudes and a welfare state now mean that people are not trapped in miserable and often dangerous situations all in the name of decency.

Please think twice before coming out with the ‘people used to work at their marriages’ shite. It might be your sister, cousin, friend or colleague in desperate need of some support to remove themselves from a difficult situation. Better single than dead.

@CherryRoulade

No indeed you can’t compare 26 to 16/17. That’s why the “they used to have children younger argument falls a bit flat. They really didn’t. Even in 1930s only 20% had children under 20 years of age. Well over 60% were over 25 years old.

Teenage mothers are less likely to finish their education, are more likely to bring up their child alone and in poverty, and have a higher risk of mental health problems than older mothers. Infant mortality rates are 60% higher for babies born to teenage mothers. As children they have an increased risk of living in poverty and are more likely to have accidents and behavioural problems. So, no, it’s not a good idea and not OK.

Ahhh yes I see what you meant.

Yes I agree with you. I never suggested otherwise. I’m not sure why your going back 1953/1930s. None the less it’s true what your saying it isn’t ideal.

@Isthatitnow There’s pros and cons to both. Now single mums are rife and I say that as a single mum myself.... it’s just the norm now.

Todays society is disposable and everything is easily accessible.

Just because you know of one of 2 people who became teen mums doesn’t mean we should be encouraging this and making out it’s wonderful and an easy task

The OP was looking for support and reassurance that her sister would, more than likely, be OK. I am quite sure she understands that at 17, her sister will have her work cut out and may well need additional support she wouldn’t have needed at 25. Discussing the fact that there can be a positive outcome to teen parenting is not encouraging young people to get pregnant. There are plenty of 35 year olds who will struggle to have as positive an outcome to their child rearing as many teens.

single mums are rife

Single mum is not catching. We are not a disease. And whilst I get we shouldn’t aspire to be single mums, it does not mean others can call us slags or condone us to council housing and minimum wage jobs.

I have single mum’d for over 12 years and heard it all. People can’t stand it when we do it well. It challenges the status quo and scares people. I have yet to have one person in those 12 years suggest my ex is anything other than An Amazing Man. He isn’t, not by a long shot, and it is time that we started to challenge the misogyny and bias that exists in our society around single parenting, poverty and parents.

Generations ago I think couples made it work and today it’s a lot more complex

Women weren’t allowed bank accounts or jobs and were trapped in horrible, abusive marriages.
They weren’t making a choice to ‘make it work’. There was no choice.

The statistics surrounding teenage mothers would be very different if teenage motherhood occurred at equal rates across different backgrounds and social groups.

@Isthatitnow

Just because you know of one of 2 people who became teen mums doesn’t mean we should be encouraging this and making out it’s wonderful and an easy task

The OP was looking for support and reassurance that her sister would, more than likely, be OK. I am quite sure she understands that at 17, her sister will have her work cut out and may well need additional support she wouldn’t have needed at 25. Discussing the fact that there can be a positive outcome to teen parenting is not encouraging young people to get pregnant. There are plenty of 35 year olds who will struggle to have as positive an outcome to their child rearing as many teens.

My comment was in response to another posters comment and that wasn’t you. However I’m happy to listen to both sides... I’m not going to pretend to you though just to keep you sweet. No we are not a disease and that’s why I included myself because I didn’t want you to think it was a dig at single mums. Let’s not pretend though.

This isn’t a competition. Are you arguing being a young mum your putting yourself in a position where you are less likely to start studying and finish it.... have you not read my posts at all? I said my mother had me at 17. She was a good mother to us all (4). However she never studied and she wouldn’t want me or my sisters to have a child at 17 like her. Your kidding yourself.

The fact that someone is calling someone a slag at 17 on fb is very immature I’ve already commented on this at the start of the thread!

single mums are rife

Half of all marriages end in divorce. Higher rate for second marriages I believe, and for relationships that aren’t marriages. Having a child is a huge strain on a relationship and often is the catalyst for separation. So chances are If you have a child you’ll be a single parent at some point. That’s nothing to do with teenagers.

Generations ago I think couples made it work and today it’s a lot more complex

Generations ago, martial rape was legal, domestic violence was hushed up, women were discriminated against in almost every walk of life and unmarried mothers were sent away in shame to quietly have their kids and have them adopted out. They didn't make it work, they were unable to split- practical and societal reasons.

I would support my children 100 per cent of they had babies as teenagers. They would be welcome to live with us, however they would be expected to do the bulk of childcare (necessary anyway for bonding). I would support them to continue their studies when the baby was a bit older and weaned.
It is not the end of the world at all. I had my babies late and I actually wish I had started earlier.

@YouBoughtMeAWall

single mums are rife

Half of all marriages end in divorce. Higher rate for second marriages I believe, and for relationships that aren’t marriages. Having a child is a huge strain on a relationship and often is the catalyst for separation. So chances are If you have a child you’ll be a single parent at some point. That’s nothing to do with teenagers.

Yes. But perhaps you have finically security and CMS. These factors are less like at 17.

Oh totally agree. I was just responding to the “rife” comment.

Rife isn’t what I would call it. I’d calm single parenting “to be expected and planned for” pessimistic I know, but I’ve lived if for 15 years and know how hard it is.

Call*

Yes. But perhaps you have finically security and CMS. These factors are less like at 17

Says who? My ex is an educated, professional man who knows better. Our children have been party to his horror in front of girlfriends that their ex isn’t supporting their children. You can’t tell by looking at him that he doesn’t support his own children. I certainly wasn’t financially secure when he left me as I was a SAHM and I spent a couple of years on benefits before I could make the childcare work and retrain. A 17 year old father with a conscience and a lack of ‘she’s a benefit claiming, council house slag’ in his ear could do way better than my 50 something ex! That’s the point - the baby is here now and needs support so if both families rally round and are supportive, both parents can start to financially provide whilst finishing their educations. Personally, I find it way more productive to be realistic but look at ways of making it work than just writing off a 17 year old mum and her child as nothing other than a revolving cycle of misery.

I used to judge when I was younger. That was what I’d been taught by my mother. Now I don’t judge. Shit happens and teen mums can be good enough mums.

As others have said, I would not want this for my dd. It is so very young. But que sera.

That’s horrible and abusive towards your sister. I think most sensible people would think it’s not an ideal situation in any way, shape or form.

There will always be examples where women have done well and been wonderful mums, but I personally wouldn’t want it for my daughter, or anyone else’s for that matter. It’s very young to be tying yourself down with such life changing responsibilities.

Every credit to your sister if she’s doing well and it’s great that you’re so supportive 💐

You see plenty of women on here who are struggling to leave their husbands because they are a SAHP or low earner so I wouldn't say that being an older parent means having financial security. Nowadays it's hard for any single person to afford to run a household on one salary.

They sound horrid and she’s better off without them. They may be young but it’s still nasty behaviour. Whatever people think of teen mums calling them names and horrible things is unacceptable.

Lots of new friends to be met for her I’m sure.

I fell pregnant with my first at 18 and had him at 19 so ever so slightly older than your sister. I’m nearly 30 now with another child, financially secure and own a home with my partner (not my first borns dad though).

I had my eldest when I was 17, I had 2 more DC, all with the same man. I still finished college and got very good A-Levels. I’m currently unable to work due to health issues, however I’m looking into my options to get back into work, even if it means working from home. So no I don’t think it’s terrible, however I wouldn’t want it for my DC as it has been much harder than I can imagine it is for most older mothers

Yes but when ever you comment on SAHM they often are educated but if you dare to suggest they should hold onto their careers you are often flamed for suggesting this. If you are relying upon a man weather it be your husband you are at risk because it’s “our money” whilst the going is good and even then I often read of plenty of high earning men and the wife is living on very little.

Today is hard wax so why and earth would you want to encourage your child to have a child at 17.

@Isthatitnow at 17 I worked in a shoe shop and it shut down 2 months later I’m not sure what type of career your expecting a 17 year old boy to have. Although like you say he could it still wouldn’t be what I wish for my on Son. Im not saying it’s impossible I’m saying it’s a lot harder there’s a difference

Im not saying it’s impossible I’m saying it’s a lot harder there’s a difference

Just because it’s hard, doesn’t make it bad. Arguably, it makes it all the more worth fighting for.

Sorry just going to steam-roller through posts I wanted to respond to:

A teen mom... gosh yes i would judge that. You throwing away so many things in life by being a mum so young. You are supposed to enter an age filled with fun and friends and late nights out and experiencing things/materials/stuff. So if i was 17 and my friend had a baby i would have surely called her out for it. Not calling her a slag but yeah id had some things to say for sure.

How would you call her out? What would you say?
I can't imagine any situation where that's helpful - she is already pregnant / has a baby.

Where is the father - seems odd you don't mention him.

I have mentioned him a few times, he is still around and they are in a relationship.

it based 16 year old who’s done amazing calleditsjustKiera

Thank you for the suggestion, I actually watch Kiera! Little Oskar is adorable My sister is subscribed also.

I wonder what you thoughts are on the impact on the wider family.

My sister and her boyfriend both work (though she's taken some time off recently of course). In terms of financial impact I suppose there is a cost yes, but my Dsis has tried to keep everything to a minimum and pay for what she can herself. She's also doing a college course remotely to try and get her a place at uni.

Plus I do find myself wondering what darker realities lie behind the PP’s cheery euphemistic account of her 17 year old sister ‘welcoming into the world a lovely little boy’ — an accidental pregnancy, presumably, with an expectation of immense amounts of financial and other self-sacrifice from the baby’s grandmother?

My mum loves babies and she loves her grandchild. There are elements of sacrifice of course, as there are for myself, but we love her and her son and are willing to make it work. IMO doing the best with what you have is what family is about.

However, becoming a parent at SUCH a young age, without completing your education, with no work experience behind you, no way of supporting the child, and very little chance of the relationship with the father being stable and long-lasting is a very, very poor choice and one I would be devastated if my own DD thought was a smart move.

These are assumptions you've made about my DSis / teen mums though, this isn't always the case. Also it doesn't matter if your DD thinks it's a smart move, accidents happen and delegating teen pregnancy to something that only happens to stupid / irresponsible / naive girls is frankly incorrect. Many adults get accidentally pregnant, it's a potential side effect of sex not a moral failing.

I was 26 when I had my first and had just finish my MSc. Quite frankly I was way too young, so being pregnant at 16/17 would have been a complete disaster (for me).

I had my second 9 years later. Completely different experience.