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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's OK to be a teen mum?

712 replies

veganmegan · 30/12/2020 21:51

NC. I rarely start threads on here but I have a question (hope that's OK). My little sister is seventeen and she welcomed into the world a lovely little boy in November. Since announcing his birth on social media, she received a handful of messages from former "friends" Hmm saying "Always knew you were a slag, you'll never get a proper job now, do you even know who the father is" (or words to that effect).

So really fucking abusive bullying behaviour. They also said something about her now having to move to a council estate (?) and about "babies shouldn't have babies" (which I guarantee is just a direct quote from someone's judgemental parent).

They're also teenagers so I'm not necessarily holding it entirely against them (as you say all sorts of silly stuff when you're young) but given they're pretty middle class kids who I don't think have even met someone from a council estate, or a teen mum other than my sis, I'm wondering where all of these preconceived stereotypes come from.

She's decided to block them now after my convincing so hopefully there won't be any more online bullying, but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

I just really feel for her if I'm honest. She's so happy to have her wee baby, but people continuously perceive her as a "slag" solely because she had a baby young. I don't even really know how to support her, just really pisses me off and simultaneously upsets me on her behalf.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 31/12/2020 02:48

@veganmegan

Sorry stepped a way for a bit, but back and have read all the posts! *@Wheresmykimchi* absolutely no worries for derailing Smile

But even if you do get accidentally pregnant, you absolutely, categorically do not have to go ahead with the pregnancy. Many (all?) of your posts seem to be pointedly ignoring this.

There are various reasons to avoid an abortion (religion being one, emotions and connection to a foetus being another). Nobody should be forced into an abortion. I'm not in a perfectly ample situation to have a child right now, but if I became pregnant it is most likely I would keep the baby and work towards a better life as that's what I feel is best for me and the hypothetical child. I'm very much pro-choice, and I think abortions should be accessible to all women who need them, but that involves choice on the part of the mother.

Saying "Oh, they can just have an abortion" is too flippant and doesn't take into account all circumstances.

I agree . And even if I didn't , I'd still think posting that on a thread about the baby OPs sister chose to have is...tone deaf.
BurtleTurtle · 31/12/2020 02:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Original poster
veganmegan · 31/12/2020 02:54

And even if I didn't , I'd still think posting that on a thread about the baby OPs sister chose to have is...tone deaf.

I think you might be right, yep. Abortion was never an option for my DSis, she had no desire to do it and I would never have coaxed her into it out of my "disappointment" (nor would my parents).

OP posts:
Original poster
veganmegan · 31/12/2020 02:56

Not everyone has the luxury of being able to wait. Do we punish those who can't for their biology?

That's absolutely true, I imagine if you're in the position of needing to have children young it must feel pretty awful to be called naive / disappointing / irresponsible etc. I think it's important to remember teen mums are mums like everyone else, and are often doing what they can with what they have.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 31/12/2020 02:59

@veganmegan

And even if I didn't , I'd still think posting that on a thread about the baby OPs sister chose to have is...tone deaf.

I think you might be right, yep. Abortion was never an option for my DSis, she had no desire to do it and I would never have coaxed her into it out of my "disappointment" (nor would my parents).

Flowers
YoBeaches · 31/12/2020 03:04

To for back to your original post , you said but I'm wondering who thinks these things? Where does this idea come from? Is this an idea you instil in your own kids, if you're a parent?

Teenagers think the things that have been said in terms of the correlation between getting pregnant and sleeping around. Adults generally don't.

I won't teach my daughter that she's a slag if she has sex or accidentally gets pregnant (as you refer to failed contraception), but I will teach her that getting pregnant without the means to support that child isn't right and shouldn't be assumed that support will come from us as her parents. It's this change in parenting, the increased availability of education for women and job opportunities that is seeing less teenage pregnancies. The reality of the lifelong impact on a woman, the cost of motherhood, the lost opportunities, is relentless for most woman let alone a teenager who has a child with limited means and is reliant on the means of others. Most teenagers in my view that continue with pregnancy's haven't matured enough to fully grasp the reality of these concepts, because the emotional attachment to the idea of having a baby is better formed than logic and rationale at that age.

Your sister clearly has great family support. But it's still her that has to do the night feeds, be educated enough to earn a living, provide for the child, and herself, and maintain a relationship of some sort good or bad with the father, for the rest of her life. No I wouldn't want that responsibility on my 17yr olds shoulders. I would want her to be free from it for much longer so she has better coping mechanisms, broader life skills and independence.

ButterBeebs · 31/12/2020 03:13

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lakesidexmas · 31/12/2020 03:13

Nobody needs to have a child, although obviously they are often very wanted.
Part of the maturity of being ready to raise a child is not acting primarily on emotional impulses.
The teens I have worked with who felt they needed to have children were filling emotional vacuums created by poor parenting and were often in care themselves. Some managed to be good enough parents many did not.

That doesn't mean that there aren't good teenage parents and there have been lots of successful examples on this thread. But being driven by the need to be a parent in your teens is concerning rather than positive to me.

Scottishskifun · 31/12/2020 03:14

I think the way your dsis has been treated is unacceptable nobody should say those sorts of things to anyone regardless of age.

Do I think teen pregnancy is a good idea? No is the honest answer, it doesn't mean that teens are bad mothers though.

I just think that a teen is only just getting to adulthood despite what they say from 14, it vastly restricts their immediate future and they have to work ten times as hard to get somewhere in life. In addition they are rarely indepently financially secure which also leaves them vulnerable to either getting stuck in a loop of the system or doing lower paid or zero hour contracts. This doesn't happen to everyone just more likely.

Teenagers should be having fun and being a mum 24/7 is bloody hard work. I think if most teenagers realised that it's continuous, relentless and often lonely even though you love your baby then they would take more precautions. It's can be difficult at any age to keep friends who don't understand your change in circumstances but this is especially true when young.

Fungster · 31/12/2020 03:17

@Heartlantern2

100% less likely to breastfeed. 100%?? That can’t be right, surly?
Just another way as saying half as likely.
Original poster
veganmegan · 31/12/2020 03:20

I'm sorry for your health conditions, @ButterBeebs but I know I would have made the same choice as you. It just goes to show there are various reasons people become parents and it's not always reasonable to socially box people in based on age.

OP posts:
BurtleTurtle · 31/12/2020 03:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

1forAll74 · 31/12/2020 03:30

Your Sister needs to come off social media I think. She has her baby now, and I hope she is enjoying the baby and coping with all things, this is all that matters. Tell her not to even think about all the cruel and nasty things that people have said, as these people are nobody's. and have no manners or decency.

Yeahnahmum · 31/12/2020 04:03

A teen mom... gosh yes i would judge that. You throwing away so many things in life by being a mum so young. You are supposed to enter an age filled with fun and friends and late nights out and experiencing things/materials/stuff. So if i was 17 and my friend had a baby i would have surely called her out for it. Not calling her a slag but yeah id had some things to say for sure. Glad to hear baby is wanted though and the teenmum is happy about it.
But blocking her friends won't do anything except for alienate herself. Society will judge her like her friends did. But friends can judge and still love you. And babysit 😉 .

Oblomov20 · 31/12/2020 04:12

It is a really shitty thing to actually say. But no, I don't think it's a good idea to have a child at 16 or 17. That age is just a fab time, 16-19, or up to 21, so free to experiment, enjoy, travel (not now covid wise, but generally I would encourage all young people to travel) so no, I actively encourage my boys not to have children till they are older.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 31/12/2020 04:13

They sound awful and of course your sister doesn't deserve to be bullied but i don't think having a baby as a teen is ideal. I mean, she is so young and only JUST no longer a child herself. Yes it's 'ok' like you said - she doesn't deserve to be judged or insulted. But I think it would be better for her to have had a baby and little older.

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 31/12/2020 04:13

I mean, for her sake.

habibihabibi · 31/12/2020 04:24

Well I will be telling my daughter to not have a baby unless she is married.
Me too.
My parents not only said this but also they would not support marriages until we were 25+, professionally qualified and secure.
We were properly educated in contraception and health from a young age which I think is missing from many teens lives.
Hats off to young single parents as even as a mature mother with a supportive husband and family, I found parenting my biggest life challenge.

ChestnutStuffing · 31/12/2020 05:17

What a bunch of shitty friends, OP. Though a lot of MC kids will have bene given the impression that having a baby young is about the worst outcome possible.

I don't really think that. It can be hard and has some real downsides - the main one being the father may well not stick around - but I've seen quite a few young women who were teen mums do very well for themselves. The main things seem to be, were they in a stable situation before - if they were having problems like drugs or whatever before the baby that won't go away. And whether they have support afterwards. When they do, things seem to go ok.

I know a few cases where the mums later said they were happy to have their kids early. My aunt always said she was glas she had my cousin at 17 (she was married and still is to the same man.) And my friend's mum had her at 15, and went on to become a lawyer though she took a year off of high school - by the time she got to law school and articling her daughter was well into primary school. Both had substantial and largely uninterrupted careers.

Schehezarade · 31/12/2020 06:04

I'm surprised that the term slag is still used - how weird when teenage sex is normal, so are all teen females slags?
I suspect a bit of envy from the other 'friends' - they might have expected worry and regret from Dsis instead she is happy and loving her baby, teens are a very hormonal time.
I don't think you can generalise - Dsis with a supportive family around her is fine to have a baby. A lone teen without the support - obviously not good.
Where is the father - seems odd you don't mention him. I'm sure the baby will at some point in their life want to know him.

maddiemookins16mum · 31/12/2020 06:17

That’s awful. But seriously, there was someone on here the other day with a Newborn asking people could she rent with a baby on about £500 a month. She sounded very young, possibly teen. It’s rarely the ‘right time’ to have a wain.

BertieBotts · 31/12/2020 06:26

I think people do teach their kids that ten pregnancy is morally wrong, in order to try and make sure they don't do it themselves.

There are so many things wrong with this approach but it is a common parenting approach and so yeah, I think that is where it comes from.

StarlightLady · 31/12/2020 06:28

She has made difficult choices and deserves all the support.

When will society stop the sexist name calling?

Keep on with the cuddles. Flowers

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 31/12/2020 07:09

I don't think she deserves to be bullied but also I wouldn't want any of my dc ( male or female) to become a parent at 16/17.

Without sounding awful, I would hope they use protection and have higher aspirations of themselves than that.

Sceptre86 · 31/12/2020 07:10

It is horrible that people would message your sister like that. If she didn't have the support she has and the strong will then those messages could cause devastating consequences.

On the other side would I have wanted to be a teen mum myself absolutely not nor do I want it for my dd. I would support her but would not want to raise her child for her nor would I want her to limit her opportunities or for life to be harder than it needs to be.

My mum was a teenage mum and one thing that stuck in her head was a midwife saying, 'a kid having a kid is a shame'. Mum was married and wholly offended by that. She was and is a great mum but had to make a lot of sacrifices.