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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be confused by the rude email

437 replies

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 29/12/2020 22:52

I got married in a lovely church on the 19th and the ceremony was beautiful. 4 days before the wedding we received the invoice through the post with details of how to pay by cheque. The invoice did say that payment should be made prior to the wedding. As we don’t use cheques, dp (now DH) contacted the church treasurer to ask for the bank details. He emailed them over and said that he would amend the invoice. This was on the 16th. DH wanted to confirm the bank details before we sent the transfer over (as a fraud protection measure- as emails can be intercepted etc) so we waited for the invoice to arrive. Nothing further was mentioned and we had the ceremony, a short honeymoon followed immediately by Christmas.
On Boxing Day DH emailed the church as we hadn’t received a new invoice, asking if we could confirm verbally the details for payment. The vicar responded to say that this should have been paid before the wedding and that we could drop cash off at the rectory. DH explained that we had only actually received the invoice on the 15th and we had requested a new invoice as we wanted confirmation of the bank details. As the church wanted payment we transferred the money there and then.

The church treasurer has emailed to say he had needed to ‘calm down’ because he was so angry. He insinuated that we were ridiculous to want verbal or posted confirmation of the bank details and said that he had never agreed to send a new invoice out. He said it was unreasonable that we had taken ten days to pay (those ten days included our wedding, honeymoon and Christmas). He said that his son was Vice President of cyber security for a bank and we did not need to confirm the bank details in an email. His tone was really abrupt and I was really upset tbh, we were happy to pay well in advance, but the church sent the invoice out very late, with incorrect details. We made a payment when WE chased it on Boxing Day and that payment would have cleared faster than a cheque would have done.
AIBU to think we should have had longer to pay an invoice - the invoice arrived on the 15th and we didn’t have the bank details emailed until the day after and we were then waiting for the amended email to arrive. I don’t know if I’ve explained it very well - but I feel like the unnecessarily rude tone, when we’ve now already paid, is upsetting and casts a shadow over a lovely day. DH works for a bank and is probably extra cautious regarding cyber security but I think he was right to ask for verbal or posted confirmation before we sent over a large amount of money.

OP posts:

Original poster

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 30/12/2020 16:32

I think we’ve moved on from that now 😊

OP posts:

SpudsandGravy · 30/12/2020 21:34

Churches don't need to run on shoestring budgets - they all have millions/billions in the bank.

YANBU. Seems to me there was absolutely no need for the treasurer to be so unpleasant, and very inappropriate in relation to a religious ceremony.

LittleBearPad · 30/12/2020 22:01

@SpudsandGravy

Churches don't need to run on shoestring budgets - they all have millions/billions in the bank.

YANBU. Seems to me there was absolutely no need for the treasurer to be so unpleasant, and very inappropriate in relation to a religious ceremony.

Parish churches don’t have millions in the bank - the Church of England does. Parish churches have their collection. Their diocese will require them to pay a certain amount of money over. It does run on a shoestring. Most are lucky to have one vicar looking after 2 or 3 (or more) churches with rotating services.

Veterinari · 30/12/2020 22:05

Then surely it's up to the wealthy CoE to support its churches better?

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2020 01:48

@Farontothemaddingcrowd
"I have thanked everyone for their posts and congratulations. The supportive posts are helpful. I suppose I feel I have to respond to those who disagree to explain or counter but I’m sorry if that came across as rude."

You absolutely do not need to reply to every person. Some people here have been very rude, not you, others, and you are a newly wed. You should be enjoying your new husband.

"CAMHS have agreed she needs their support and they should be starting in the new year so not too long a wait. I have to text her in the middle of the night to make sure she’s ok - she’s become nocturnal."

My dd is being helped by CAMHS and is also virtually nocturnal. You have my sympathy, very stressful at times.

"DH doesn’t want to go back to church if we don’t hear anything as he thinks the email was extremely rude. I would rather go and be polite and it would make me feel loads better."

Go if you wish to go. We attend a local church, most services are on zoom and we have to register if we will attend an actual service, due to Covid. We are in the south of England so may be different where you are.

Above all else, the church should be acting in a moral way, I believe, and being rude to people by email is wrong. But please do put this behind you.

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2020 01:52

Veterinari

"Then surely it's up to the wealthy CoE to support its churches better?"

As a Christian and member of the C of E, I totally agree with this. The complication is that the C of E has lots of old churches which are a drain on finances, and some have tiny congregations. So it's a bit of a historic situation, maybe from the time when everyone had to support the church! They built loads of them!

But the church is actually so much more than it's buildings and hopefully things will change.

Original poster

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 31/12/2020 12:47

Thank you @Italiangreyhound. I’m sorry to hear your dd is struggling too. Mine cut herself last night because she didn’t want to wake me.

I have been really upset by this silly email and I’m absolutely kicking myself for not just bringing cash to the rehearsal. Because DH told me that it was ok and they were sending out the new invoice, I thought he was dealing with it. There were obviously crossed wires. I just don’t like people having the wrong impression of me and I’m not sure my apology will even be acknowledged now. I’m feeling resentful of DH and it isn’t fair as it’s casting a shadow over the new marriage.

OP posts:

KatieB55 · 31/12/2020 13:28

In my job we always have to double check bank details. It's difficult to rectify if you make an error and send payment to wrong account.

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2020 14:08

Farontothemaddingcrowd I really feel you need to releas yourself and dh from this situation.

It's tempting to think if you just got an acknowledgment if the apology all would be well etc. But maybe even thought would not actually satisfy you. Because this has now become so big in your mind.

I think you need to accept and acknowledge this is just a mix up. Compounded by an unpleasant and thoughtless email.

No one else is going to be able to 'absolve' you of these feeling but you yourself.

I have OCD and it is very mild now. But when younger I could Tue myself in knotts over mix ups like t to focus on yourself

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2020 14:10

Sorry that should say, I have OCD and it is very mild now. But when younger I could tie myself in knotts over mix ups like this. You need IMHO to focus on yourself now and your new dh and your daughter.

Original poster

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 31/12/2020 14:12

Yes you are right. I think I’m probably obsessing over this as it’s masking my bigger worries. I just wish people were more aware of how their words and actions can affect others. And to be tolerant of mistakes. My poor dd’s fragile mental state was initially triggered by online bullying.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 31/12/2020 14:19

Please don’t feel unwelcome at church. And please do go if you would like to.

All that’s happened is that a misunderstanding has occurred, the treasurer has returned to work after Christmas and felt his reputation was being maligned because it seemed like he was the delay, not you. He’s reacted poorly with the tone of the email, and shouldn’t have, but you don’t know what’s going on in people’s lives.

I’m sure the vicar is well aware it was just confusion on both sides. One member of a congregation being a bit tricky to deal with doesn’t mean the church itself as a whole isn’t lovely and supportive.

Fortyfiver · 31/12/2020 14:21

OP, you sound lovely and I completely understand how you feel - I agonise over things like this too.
I hope your DD is ok and congratulations on your marriage.
I think we all need to think more about how our interactions with people can affect them - it is certainly my new year's resolution to treat people with kindness, you never know what is going on in their life.
Take care of yourself.

Oblomov20 · 31/12/2020 14:34

I know exactly how fraud works thank you very much. And yes I do accounts.
YABVU and you were late paying for a service that should have been paid prior to the wedding. No wonder the treasurer, a volunteer, is hacked off.

How you can't see this baffles me.

Original poster

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 31/12/2020 14:41

@Oblomov20 please leave me alone

OP posts:

Original poster

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 31/12/2020 14:43

They actually asked for the cheque to be posted and since we received the invoice 4 days before the wedding they would have only just received the funds now. I’ve sent a generous donation and a thank you card. I took DH’s word on the fraud as he deals with this at work every day so if he is mistaken I’m sorry.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2020 14:58

Oblomov20 knowing what we know now of the op's situation your comments look very callous.

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2020 15:01

OP please do not waste your breath explaining anymore.

You can hide this thread or ask for it to be removed or you can ignore people's inane comments.

sashagabadon · 31/12/2020 15:07

Just pay them. It is really irritating when people don’t pay what they owe and faff around requesting this and that to delay payment

LemmysAceCard · 31/12/2020 15:13

@sashagabadon

Just pay them. It is really irritating when people don’t pay what they owe and faff around requesting this and that to delay payment

They HAVE paid.

Personally I would have told him to fuck right off with his attitude.

sashagabadon · 31/12/2020 15:15

Sorry! Didn’t read whole thread. I apologise. I’ve been a volunteer treasury and so just heard it all before and it is v irritating but if paid then all good!

Oblomov20 · 31/12/2020 15:32

Regarding which bit Greyhound?

Oblomov20 · 31/12/2020 15:42

Sorry. I must have missed a bit of the thread. I read the majority. 30 of the OP's posts.
I must have missed a bit. Because of all a sudden I posted, and she immediately responded, telling me to leave her alone. Like I was bullying her or something.

I've missed something clearly.

Oblomov20 · 31/12/2020 15:43

Sorry. Just seen the bit about dd cutting herself.

Viviennemary · 31/12/2020 15:47

Id be very annoyed about the late payment. You should have made sure the payment wss on time. You are 100% in the wrong.

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