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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused by the rude email

437 replies

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 29/12/2020 22:52

I got married in a lovely church on the 19th and the ceremony was beautiful. 4 days before the wedding we received the invoice through the post with details of how to pay by cheque. The invoice did say that payment should be made prior to the wedding. As we don’t use cheques, dp (now DH) contacted the church treasurer to ask for the bank details. He emailed them over and said that he would amend the invoice. This was on the 16th. DH wanted to confirm the bank details before we sent the transfer over (as a fraud protection measure- as emails can be intercepted etc) so we waited for the invoice to arrive. Nothing further was mentioned and we had the ceremony, a short honeymoon followed immediately by Christmas.
On Boxing Day DH emailed the church as we hadn’t received a new invoice, asking if we could confirm verbally the details for payment. The vicar responded to say that this should have been paid before the wedding and that we could drop cash off at the rectory. DH explained that we had only actually received the invoice on the 15th and we had requested a new invoice as we wanted confirmation of the bank details. As the church wanted payment we transferred the money there and then.

The church treasurer has emailed to say he had needed to ‘calm down’ because he was so angry. He insinuated that we were ridiculous to want verbal or posted confirmation of the bank details and said that he had never agreed to send a new invoice out. He said it was unreasonable that we had taken ten days to pay (those ten days included our wedding, honeymoon and Christmas). He said that his son was Vice President of cyber security for a bank and we did not need to confirm the bank details in an email. His tone was really abrupt and I was really upset tbh, we were happy to pay well in advance, but the church sent the invoice out very late, with incorrect details. We made a payment when WE chased it on Boxing Day and that payment would have cleared faster than a cheque would have done.
AIBU to think we should have had longer to pay an invoice - the invoice arrived on the 15th and we didn’t have the bank details emailed until the day after and we were then waiting for the amended email to arrive. I don’t know if I’ve explained it very well - but I feel like the unnecessarily rude tone, when we’ve now already paid, is upsetting and casts a shadow over a lovely day. DH works for a bank and is probably extra cautious regarding cyber security but I think he was right to ask for verbal or posted confirmation before we sent over a large amount of money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 30/12/2020 11:19

The extra donation I’ve sent will hopefully help with the financial pressures.

OP posts:
Maudythebudgie · 30/12/2020 11:19

Hope you're ok op. I'm new to mumsnet and it certainly is an eye opener. Don't let the people on here get you down xx

MrsMomoa · 30/12/2020 11:21

The church treasurers son is an idiot if he works in banking cyber security and doesn't realise you need to verbally confirm bank details before sending large amounts cash!

My bank quite rightly refused to release my money to my landlord without verbally confirming the bank details first.

As long as the idiots have now got their money, just forget about it Op.
And congratulations! Smile

MsTSwift · 30/12/2020 11:26

I have lots of extremely elderly clients cheques are still a big part of my life!

Yellow85 · 30/12/2020 11:35

We had a similar issue with our celebrant payment for our wedding. I just asked the best man to have a quiet word on our wedding day to sort it out. Not sure I could have the day and go on honeymoon without sorting it. But anyways, at this point I’d move on to be honest. I don’t think there needs to be someone in the right, you both think what you think.

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 30/12/2020 11:37

What would make it right then? The apology and thank you and donation? Is £50 enough?

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 30/12/2020 11:40

YANBU.

The church treasurer is probably just stressed because they didn't follow up with the amended invoice you perfectly reasonably requested, so they are trying to cover their back.
Nothing to do with you so just put it down to someone else having a bad day.

ClareBlue · 30/12/2020 11:51

Just read the whole thread and there is a lot of repetitive putting down of the OP who obviously worries about how she is perceived and how she comes across.

This was a communication issue that has no lasting harm for either party.

Yes th OP was following security advice and maybe that could have been better explained to the Treasurer and she might have done it differently if she did it again.

Yes the Treasurer didn't know that the OP had every intention of paying and might rightly be a bit concerned until the money was paid but might have been calmer if he did it again.

But it is paid now and it doesn't benefit anyone to say the wedding should have been cancelled, you should have done this or that etc, this is obviously going to add to the worry and anxiety of the OP, and there is no need.

Some of us wouldn't give this a second thought but this is obviously not the case here, so give the OP a break. She should be enjoying her new marriage and not stressing about a bill that has been paid.

Good Luck 🍀 OP

ThePlantsitter · 30/12/2020 11:53

Farontothemaddingcrowd sorry you're struggling OP. As you say I think you're focussing all your worries on this one small thing. Which is fine as it doesn't matter, but when it all starts to feel really awful and you are considering sending more money to make it go away (which you know very well it won't), you need to stop. Hide the thread. Go for a walk. Delete the emails from grumpypants. Take care Flowers

ClareBlue · 30/12/2020 11:54

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

What would make it right then? The apology and thank you and donation? Is £50 enough?
Yes
LittleBearPad · 30/12/2020 11:55

Maybe the OP’s now DH could have rung up. He was the one being extra cautious, he was the one who had a local connection. He doesn’t appear to be worrying about it.

OP move on. It’s done and dusted.

ClareBlue · 30/12/2020 11:58

OMG, I assumed the treasurer was a man because he was grumpy, sorry for the assumptions, even if they are accurateGrin

Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 30/12/2020 12:00

He’s worried about me, but not about this - he thinks this is ridiculous and he would not agree with me sending money to them. I left him in charge of this, but it is hopefully sorted now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 30/12/2020 12:00

The treasurer is a man.

OP posts:
ClareBlue · 30/12/2020 12:02

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

The treasurer is a man.
I new itGrin
ClareBlue · 30/12/2020 12:03

Even, 'knew' it

5zeds · 30/12/2020 12:10

You are allowed to think he’s been unfair, unkind and unhelpful. The best thing you can do is go and be fair, be kind, and be helpful to someone else. Spread good from this bad and all will be well. It is not your job or within your power to change what the email writer or the vicarage think or feel, so accept they may feel badly towards you and salve your bruised spirit by turning this bad into good.

Congratulations on your marriage, I hope you feel happier about it all soon.

ClareBlue · 30/12/2020 12:11

@wonkylegs were you on our committee? Seems very very familiarSmile

Pluckedpencil · 30/12/2020 12:13

It was just a little misunderstanding. He reacted like a twerp. Let it go, this guy has literally nothing to do with your lovely wedding. Congratulations!!!

LondonerRandomName · 30/12/2020 12:16

Op honestly you did the right thing - don't doubt yourself and don't feel bad by those trying to pick holes. Email scams and interception are rife in all industries, and at work (legal) we have had numerous cases of interception (whether clients or service providers). Ppl are awfuly naive advising that the invoice as is was enough. I truly hope that ppl aren't like this in real life when transferring life changing sums (eg house deposit etc). It's one phone call, and it is now established and expected in most companies/firms.

LittleBearPad · 30/12/2020 12:23

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

He’s worried about me, but not about this - he thinks this is ridiculous and he would not agree with me sending money to them. I left him in charge of this, but it is hopefully sorted now.
Well maybe he should have sorted it.

You’ve dealt with it all and the sorry card whilst Mr CS did fuck all.

If he’s worried about you he can step up and do what he says he will

Veterinari · 30/12/2020 12:32

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

If the vicar had told us to take cash, we would have done so. We misunderstood what the treasurer meant. Anyway they have 50 and a thank you card now.
I can' believe you're rewarding their incompetence and rudeness Confused
Original poster
Farontothemaddingcrowd · 30/12/2020 12:55

I just feel better that I’ve tried to make amends. Hopefully they will acknowledge the donation at least. I have savings and so I wasn’t trying to stall payment at all but £50 isn’t spare change either as we have a family to support.

OP posts:
TrialOfStyle · 30/12/2020 12:57

Don’t beat yourself up about this. It’s understandable why you did, it’s understandable why he was irritable (but he had no reason to be so rude). It’s sorted now, so don’t let it cloud how you are feeling.

Congratulations on your wedding Flowers

Nyctophyllia · 30/12/2020 13:02

Op it's absolutely no big deal, its done and dusted and no harm is done to anyone except you because you're getting stressed
Don't let some of the absolute rockets on here convince you otherwise
The responses are abnormal in the extreme probably to do with posters own mental health and boredom issues
Show yourself some kindness, you sound lovely,and again no harm has been done
People love to make a chicken out of a feather on here