To be confused by the rude email

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I got married in a lovely church on the 19th and the ceremony was beautiful. 4 days before the wedding we received the invoice through the post with details of how to pay by cheque. The invoice did say that payment should be made prior to the wedding. As we don’t use cheques, dp (now DH) contacted the church treasurer to ask for the bank details. He emailed them over and said that he would amend the invoice. This was on the 16th. DH wanted to confirm the bank details before we sent the transfer over (as a fraud protection measure- as emails can be intercepted etc) so we waited for the invoice to arrive. Nothing further was mentioned and we had the ceremony, a short honeymoon followed immediately by Christmas.
On Boxing Day DH emailed the church as we hadn’t received a new invoice, asking if we could confirm verbally the details for payment. The vicar responded to say that this should have been paid before the wedding and that we could drop cash off at the rectory. DH explained that we had only actually received the invoice on the 15th and we had requested a new invoice as we wanted confirmation of the bank details. As the church wanted payment we transferred the money there and then.

The church treasurer has emailed to say he had needed to ‘calm down’ because he was so angry. He insinuated that we were ridiculous to want verbal or posted confirmation of the bank details and said that he had never agreed to send a new invoice out. He said it was unreasonable that we had taken ten days to pay (those ten days included our wedding, honeymoon and Christmas). He said that his son was Vice President of cyber security for a bank and we did not need to confirm the bank details in an email. His tone was really abrupt and I was really upset tbh, we were happy to pay well in advance, but the church sent the invoice out very late, with incorrect details. We made a payment when WE chased it on Boxing Day and that payment would have cleared faster than a cheque would have done.
AIBU to think we should have had longer to pay an invoice - the invoice arrived on the 15th and we didn’t have the bank details emailed until the day after and we were then waiting for the amended email to arrive. I don’t know if I’ve explained it very well - but I feel like the unnecessarily rude tone, when we’ve now already paid, is upsetting and casts a shadow over a lovely day. DH works for a bank and is probably extra cautious regarding cyber security but I think he was right to ask for verbal or posted confirmation before we sent over a large amount of money.

No worries OP, it’s not rude.

Honestly don’t beat yourself up it’s hardly crime of the century.

Also when someone is arsey you don’t know the background maybe the last 3 couples refused to pay and he got bollocked by the vicar or something usually in these situations it’s not actually about you and someone in a happier place would have been fine about it.

That’s true. DH is not bothered at all! He was slightly annoyed at the tone of the email but replied and moved on.

@MsTSwift you’ve changed your tune, after calling OP the client from hell.

It's not rude but it isn't helpful to you, OP. I can see exactly what you mean about MN as a form of self-harm.

OP, you've done what you can to right any wrong. Please try to forget it and move on. If you're waiting for some acknowledgment of your donation, you may be disappointed.

Remember that just because someone works for the church doesn't meant they don't have personality flaws. They can be short-tempered and impolite. They are not always gracious, wise, and forgiving. Sometimes they're just grumpy men (or women) who do more harm than good, even if they do see themselves as sacrificing their time doing the Lord's work.

Isn’t this why when you set up a new payee with the bank it verifies the name against the account details though? Sometimes I’ve had to go back to the payee and the name has been spelt wrong or something so the bank says it’s not a match. If the email was intercepted with fraudsters details the payee name wouldn’t match up would it? Or do the fraudsters somehow get round this? I always assumed I was safe if the bank says the name is a match.

OP, I see you're a teacher, your DD was in hospital, you have anxiety, and you didn't have any family at your wedding... that's a lot to cope with during a pandemic! I think you need to be kind to yourself. It would have been lovely to get a nice thanks and congratulations email from Grumpy Treasurer but they are probably overwhelmed with their own troubles and trust me they are not important to your life.

You have said 'we' a few times about things that are more to do with your husband. Maybe let him deal with his own shit- after all this situation is down to him- and retreat a little? Maybe you feel like you need to protect him, especially if there is a tricky family backstory but honestly look after yourself above him.

It’s a good layer of protection but it’s not failsafe.

Thank you @MoiraNotRuby. Dd was in overnight and will be having ongoing support (we hope!) and the GP is also calling next week to check in with us as well. Unfortunately lockdown has done no favours for the mental health of teens.

I don’t want to be thanked, I want to be forgiven.

OP I think you really need to give yourself a break over this whole thing now. What happened wasn’t ideal and the church bloke was a dickhead, but it’s being built up into a huge massive deal when it really wasn’t. You’ve paid, you’ve apologised and you’ve given them a donation. There is nothing for them to forgive you for. And I’m absolutely positive that the vicar (who is really the only person you don’t want to be upsetting) would be horrified if they thought you felt too unwelcome to attend future services.

Go to the next service if you can, take your family, get involved in the church community and I’m 99.9% positive that you’ll realise that everyone rolls their eyes at the church bloke.

I don’t want to be thanked, I want to be forgiven.

By the church? The church should be the first to forgive. Perhaps you could read the sermon on the mount and see the treasurer for the flawed little human he is. You don't need his forgiveness.

I expect he's always getting into a bit of a state and everyone knows to ignore him.

And I’m absolutely positive that the vicar (who is really the only person you don’t want to be upsetting) would be horrified if they thought you felt too unwelcome to attend future services.

He certainly should be.

I don't understand why you needed a new invoice, but, as a good Christian, you should have told the chap that you were willing to forgive his rudeness and will pray for him and his anger problem!! That would have got his back up!

I think you have behaved fine in all this. However, the treasurer probably doesn't really understand the problem with security around the emailed bank details, so isn't going to see that from your point of view. To them you were being rude and just not bothering to pay on time. They aren't someone who hides their annoyance (in fact they are probably generally quite tetchy and awkward) so they told you exactly how cross they were, which is then upsetting for you as it appears to come out of nowhere and felt unkind.

It's just crossed wires all round. You didn't need to send more money, although it was a nice gesture. You may not get it acknowledged as I doubt the vicar or treasurer realise what a big deal this was become for you. I very much doubt that either of them harbour any ongoing negative feelings about the money as it will have been filed as 'dealt with' in their minds the moment it was paid. Rude treasurer is probably slightly entitled and used to being grouchy to everyone. They would be very surprised to hear someone has been actually upset by them.

I obviously don't know any of these things for sure, but I can imagine exactly the kind of people you are dealing with.

I will all be fine! Do the Wi-Fi etc if you still want to and please don't feel your relationship with the church has been damaged - it won't have been.

We can’t do the WiFi for a while anyway I don’t think - we are now in tier 4 so looks like we got married in the v narrow window where it was still possible.

Just a thought in general, but isn't it a appalling reflection on mumsnet and some posters that a women says she uses it as self harm
Shame on you

Please stop worrying, forget about this thread, its not real life

I think it's just crossed wires.

I'll admit I have been a slightly grumpy treasurer in the past about bank transfers though — we had a bank account that was a charity/society/club account, which was effectively a subset of a business account. It had two signatories, and as a result didn't allow online banking (and it's still the same today!). The only way I could see payments had gone in was via fortnightly statements, which I had to pick up from the club HQ. I would always ask for cash or cheque, because once I had that in my hot little hand and had given a receipt I knew where I was up to!

When I chased people for subs or other payments and was told "oh I'll do a bank transfer, that'll be much easier" I did occasionally feel quite cross because the joining information clearly said cheques or cash were preferred (although I liked cheques better — lighter, and I felt safer carrying them). So it's quite possibly something on the treasurer's side that you don't know about that's making him more touchy?

I imagine the next time you go to church the vicar will be delighted to see you.

I did always explain that though!

Anyway, it sounds like it's good that you got married when you did. Congratulations! And please try to stop dwelling on it.

Good luck with your DD, you probably already know but there's a website called Young Minds which is better than nothing at all. Lots of luck for getting her well again.

Thanks everyone . Dd isn’t accessing any of the online support really, though she is aware of it. She did a reading at our wedding which was very lovely. CAMHS have agreed she needs their support and they should be starting in the new year so not too long a wait. I have to text her in the middle of the night to make sure she’s ok - she’s become nocturnal.

DH doesn’t want to go back to church if we don’t hear anything as he thinks the email was extremely rude. I would rather go and be polite and it would make me feel loads better.

He's your DH not your keeper! Do what makes YOU feel better.

YAB VERY U