To be confused by the rude email

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I got married in a lovely church on the 19th and the ceremony was beautiful. 4 days before the wedding we received the invoice through the post with details of how to pay by cheque. The invoice did say that payment should be made prior to the wedding. As we don’t use cheques, dp (now DH) contacted the church treasurer to ask for the bank details. He emailed them over and said that he would amend the invoice. This was on the 16th. DH wanted to confirm the bank details before we sent the transfer over (as a fraud protection measure- as emails can be intercepted etc) so we waited for the invoice to arrive. Nothing further was mentioned and we had the ceremony, a short honeymoon followed immediately by Christmas.
On Boxing Day DH emailed the church as we hadn’t received a new invoice, asking if we could confirm verbally the details for payment. The vicar responded to say that this should have been paid before the wedding and that we could drop cash off at the rectory. DH explained that we had only actually received the invoice on the 15th and we had requested a new invoice as we wanted confirmation of the bank details. As the church wanted payment we transferred the money there and then.

The church treasurer has emailed to say he had needed to ‘calm down’ because he was so angry. He insinuated that we were ridiculous to want verbal or posted confirmation of the bank details and said that he had never agreed to send a new invoice out. He said it was unreasonable that we had taken ten days to pay (those ten days included our wedding, honeymoon and Christmas). He said that his son was Vice President of cyber security for a bank and we did not need to confirm the bank details in an email. His tone was really abrupt and I was really upset tbh, we were happy to pay well in advance, but the church sent the invoice out very late, with incorrect details. We made a payment when WE chased it on Boxing Day and that payment would have cleared faster than a cheque would have done.
AIBU to think we should have had longer to pay an invoice - the invoice arrived on the 15th and we didn’t have the bank details emailed until the day after and we were then waiting for the amended email to arrive. I don’t know if I’ve explained it very well - but I feel like the unnecessarily rude tone, when we’ve now already paid, is upsetting and casts a shadow over a lovely day. DH works for a bank and is probably extra cautious regarding cyber security but I think he was right to ask for verbal or posted confirmation before we sent over a large amount of money.

I think you’ve done exactly the right things OP, including wanting to confirm bank details before making a payment.
Just forget about them and hopefully in a few years time you’ll have the story about the angry church treasurer and how you nearly got away with defrauding the Vicar. I’m sure you can embellish it for future telling.

Confirming bank details is such basic security advice now that anyone questioning it is hopelessly naive. We will not make any payment or changes to bank details at work without independent verification after one of our suppliers was hacked 5 years ago. They only found out when we rang them to check their new bank details.

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

I just feel better that I’ve tried to make amends. Hopefully they will acknowledge the donation at least. I have savings and so I wasn’t trying to stall payment at all but £50 isn’t spare change either as we have a family to support.

You and your DH have done nothing wrong OP. The treasurer sounds rude and inept.

Hope you can put this behind you now

I hope so. I know I’ll be really hurt if the vicar doesn’t acknowledge the thank you card or donation (I know it wasn’t much but it was something). Neither she nor the treasurer have acknowledged the explanation/apology but that was only sent last night.

I think you should have just got a counter cheque (assuming they're still a thing) or made sure you kept ringing until you could check the details and got it paid as you knew it was meant to be paid beforehand. I think you were right in apologising but now your expectation that they should thank you for you apology suggests it wasn't that genuine IMO.

I didn’t say thank me. I said acknowledge. I’m a teacher so I wasn’t available to keep ringing and ringing and no one answers anyway. I’m wondering if I haven’t sent enough money but I’ve sent it now. I don’t want to be thanked, I want to be forgiven.

As we work full time we wouldn’t be able to go and get a counter cheque. DH is on calls all day and I’m a teacher. In retrospect I would have sorted this before we got the invoice and been proactive about it, but dd had been in hospital the week before and I’ve been absolutely drained at work and just wasn’t on the ball.

I’m not saying we haven’t made a mistake btw- I’m saying that there wasn’t any need to be rude. I’m not posting the email here but he did say he needed to ‘calm down’ and it did feel aggressive in tone. I just feel the whole thing has been a nightmare tbh. I didn’t have anyone there from my side apart from my dc (long story) and I’m just feeling really weird about it all.

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

I hope so. I know I’ll be really hurt if the vicar doesn’t acknowledge the thank you card or donation (I know it wasn’t much but it was something). Neither she nor the treasurer have acknowledged the explanation/apology but that was only sent last night.

With everything that’s going on for clergy at the moment I wouldn’t take it personally if you don’t get a reply.

We have offered to help with their WiFi and stuff so was hoping that we would get a reply. We wanted our blessing there with family when circumstances allow as well, so I would like to be on good terms.

OP - have some lunch, if you haven’t and stop worrying about this.

It will all be fine.

We also hadn’t paid way in advance because with Covid, there wasn’t a guarantee that the wedding would even happen. Looking back I would have just brought cash to the rehearsal. I wanted to go to church again as we both liked it there, but I feel unwelcome now.

YABU you had the details, you should have paid then. But they didn't need to be so rude about it.

OP, in the nicest possible way the vicar almost certainly hasn’t given you another thought. She has just come out of the busiest time of her year and if she is anything like my friends in the clergy she is bracing herself for the many, many funerals that she will have to conduct this spring. You probably won’t receive much acknowledgment and you can’t read anything into this.

Please listen to the pp who have advised you to hide this thread and go for a walk. If you’re religious then pray about your worries and listen for a response. Self-flagellating on this thread doesn’t help anyone, least of all you.

@Farontothemaddingcrowd - I don't think there's anything wrong with your tone.
I think the problem is, as usual, people don't read the full text and content of your posts, and then pick holes in what they think they've read.

My bank in the UK hasn't issued me with a new cheque book for ages - they told me they'd be phased out by 2020 anyway (guess that hasn't happened yet) so not having a chequebook isn't that big an issue.
The treasurer may have meant to send a revised invoice, and then decided that just sending an email with the bank details was a better plan - but failed to tell you.
You were waiting for a revised invoice to pay, with double check of the bank details on it. This is wise.
I'm pretty certain that YOU had plenty on your plate in the run up to the wedding as well, without needing to be trying to phone someone who you thought was already onto the job (sending a revised invoice).

If it was SUCH an issue, the vicar (or possibly even the treasurer) would have mentioned it AT the wedding - either just before or just after. The fact that they didn't, and you had to contact them yourselves on Boxing Day, shows that either they were thoroughly disorganised or weren't that bothered.

I'm also of the opinion that the vicar "had a word" with the Treasurer and THAT was what set him off - but not being in a position to take it out on the vicar, he's taken it out on you guys instead. Which is utterly puerile of him. I think he also may have the wrong end of the stick and believe that you were accusing HIM of potentially fraudulent activity, which would be miscommunication via the vicar.

I don't think you need to do anything else - it's an unfortunate occurrence, it's done, you've paid, you've sent a thank you, you've apologised, it should now be Over.

Ignore the bitchy comments if you can - there are many MN posters who just love to stick the boot in but there's no need for you to accept that from them.

and congratulations on your marriage - make a NY resolution to leave this matter in 2020, not carry it forward to 2021.

I wouldn't go back if I was you. They just dont seem very nice.

@Farontothemaddingcrowd

We also hadn’t paid way in advance because with Covid, there wasn’t a guarantee that the wedding would even happen. Looking back I would have just brought cash to the rehearsal. I wanted to go to church again as we both liked it there, but I feel unwelcome now.

I’m so sorry one rude man has cause so much bother. Please wait two weeks for the vicar to recover from the madness that is Christmas then have a chat about what happened. I would place a very high bet that they will be really pleased to welcome you and apologetic about the church treasurers email. Vicars don’t choose PCC members/officers and can’t get rid of them either! So please don’t let one person make sure feel so bad or make you feel unwelcome. But please do tell the vicar how it made you feel. They rarely get involved in the money stuff so probably won’t know any detail about what went on.

Good god. I can’t believe some of these comments.

I can just see the next thread - we’ve lost £620 by sending money to a wrong account. AIBU?

Yes, you should have double checked the details with the provider.

Mumsnet blows my minds at times.

The thing is, we paid in full and a cheque would not have cleared in that time anyway, so no one should have been out of pocket.

YANBU and I suspect your bank would be very happy you are cautious when making new online transactions. Ignore the ridiculous treasurer. He’s probably just another disorganised volunteer who enjoys highly embellishing the truth. You’ve paid; forget it and move on.

@Nnkk

Why didn’t you just speak to the vicar or the treasurer and ask for the bank info? Verbally, not in an email.

It’s a bit cheeky to use a church for a wedding if you’re not a regular parishioner and that might’ve got their backs up to be fair.

What a ridiculous attitude. If it was so cheeky why did they agree? So they can agree to the service then act huffily because their backs are up?

Also we liked going to church and wanted to carry on - isn’t that what the church want?

He sounds very silly.

I give up, OP is only engaging with those who disagree with her.

Meh. His tone was shitty. Some people are dicks and you cant fix them.

Sorry @coldwaterfeed I have thanked everyone for their posts and congratulations. The supportive posts are helpful. I suppose I feel I have to respond to those who disagree to explain or counter but I’m sorry if that came across as rude.