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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband ignoring me

227 replies

Cos12345 · 29/12/2020 19:56

So my husband got very drunk boxing day night, with dd and two stepsons.
I went to bed they were so noisy I slept in spare room, they then drunkenly couldn't find me at half two so d called family and friends but didn't look in house for me
Next morning noone is talking to me, kitchen and house is a mess with bottles and food. Someone has thrown up in sink, still we are on day three of no talking dh is sleeping on sofa and I'm.uoset ! should I apologise!

OP posts:
nancybotwinbloom · 30/12/2020 00:55

No. They should be sorry to you.

Get back in bed. Get your trackie on. Netflix and chill till it's tidy.

Cheeky twats

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2020 01:01

@Ohalrightthen

I'm obviously in the minority here but i think it's super weird that your whole family wss having fun together at Christmas and you fucked off to sleep in the spare room rather than joining in, even if you didn't want to drink. My mum frequently makes herself a cuppa and stays up when the rest of us are getting drunk and silly - it's prime adult family time! You sloping off to sleep in the spare room would definitely feel passive aggressive to me, and like you were having a bit of a flounce and a judge. Just sounds kinda joyless.
I can't think of anything worse than being with a group who are drunk and 'silly' when I'm sober.

I also don't find much joy in 'drunk and silly' either.

MartiniDry · 30/12/2020 01:07

Honey, you have three choices.

  1. Give them all one warning that they'll be out if they don't clear up and absolutely promise never to disrespect you or your home again, and mean it.
  1. Forget the warning and tell both husband and daughter to leave.
  1. Carry on being treated like shit in your own home for the rest of your life.

I know which I'd choose, but then again they'd never have been drunk in my home to start with. Only you can decide what you'll do, what you're willing to put up with, and what treatment you deserve.

Choose wisely sweetheart. As they say, you only get one life and this ain't a dress rehearsal.

FlamedToACrisp · 30/12/2020 01:27

Just wondering:

Did you tell them you were going to bed, or just creep away?
Did you tell your DH you were going to the spare room, or is it something you've done before so he might have expected it?
When they drunkenly searched for you at 2.30am, did you hear them and say nothing, or were you asleep?

If they had no reason to think you were in the spare room, they were probably worried sick.

Yes, they were still out of order, either way, but obviously if you randomly decided for the first time ever in living memory to sleep in the spare room and then lay awake listening as they searched desperately, thinking smugly, "Let the fuckers worry!" that's a completely different scenario to you slept in the spare room as normal when they have their drinking sessions, but they were all too pissed to remember and you were asleep and didn't hear them calling. Which was it?

SamanthaJayne4 · 30/12/2020 01:32

I think they were probably too drunk to think straight. They obviously didn't search the house properly otherwise they would have found OP! Their behaviour is disgusting and nasty.

BlueSuffragette · 30/12/2020 08:29

Hope you ate ok OP. Go stay at your friends for a break and then move on with your life. You deserve to be treated so much better than this.

Original poster
Cos12345 · 30/12/2020 09:53

I said I'm off to bed, to be honest they were so drunk noone replied. I went to bed but couldn't get to sleep as they were so noisy, I then went into the spare room and put earplugs in listening to a play to drown out the racket!
I didn't hear anything and certainly would have replied if I had off, when I stirred I saw the missed calls and called them back.
Aside from that the weather was awful, I have no car, I would never just walk out. Never have and never would.
Also I've been thinking, why would they think I had if their behaviour was reasonable. It was all down to getting drunk and being stupid I'm not a killjoy I love having family fun and a drink just want feeling it on boxing Day. I'd listened to stepson moaning about his girlfriend and my husband being upset over their relationship at Xmas. His six month old baby we didn't see as they had fallen out .
But it doesn't exscuse his behaviour towards me now. I tried to talk to him last night nio response., I sent him a message saying come to bed it's daft sleeping downstairs no reply.
It's dd birthday on Sunday I'm not feeling theat I want to celebrate but I will , I'm meeting a friend this morning and I'm going to get her presents, then spending day out. But I'm sad , this is immature and ridiculous.
Thanks for your support and advice.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 30/12/2020 10:03

They were drunk enough to forget there was a spare room?

JillofTrades · 30/12/2020 10:04

Why are you still going ahead to buy gifts and celebrate her birthday?? she has behaved like a vile thing and still continues to do so. By being a martyr you are letting them get away with this!!
Go to your friends and leave them to it. They all have zero respect for you, don't let them think that you are some sort of doormat.

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 30/12/2020 10:18

OP for the love of god, do not put up with this shit.

Even if they did have genuine cause to be annoyed at you (which they don’t- throwing up in sink and leaving it there...ew!) ignoring you for 3 days is pure emotional abuse.

Leave. But be very clear about why. Don’t get drawn into arguments over the kitchen or the going to bed early because that, whilst bad behaviour on their part, is irrelevant to the main issue of how your DH treats disagreements. Just repeat calmly that being ignored for 3 days is emotionally abusive and you are tired of it. You deserve better.

Carolofthebellies · 30/12/2020 11:48

If you're talking to them then it shows them that you're guilty.

VettiyaIruken · 30/12/2020 11:51

Apologise for not getting drunk and adding to the pool of vomit?

Vote with your feet. They are taking the piss.

Carolofthebellies · 30/12/2020 11:51

I wouldn't buy your DD a birthday gift. Her behaviour is very hurtful. And considering that she is sulking she won't accept your presents just to make you feel even worse.
What I would buy is a box of her favourite chocolates if she has any or anything favourite from food. That's it.

EileenGC · 30/12/2020 12:36

They sound horrible and very immature. What are you getting out of this "family life"?

Do you think you'd be happier if you just left and lived on your own? I really couldn't be bothered putting up with them and cleaning after so many sulking children. Because that's what they're all behaving like, small children who haven't yet been taught how to behave half-decently.

Schoolisback1973 · 30/12/2020 12:41

They are so out of order!
Definitely take some time out. I wouldn't buy DD a birthday gift if she treated me this way.
Sorry you're being treated so appallingly in your own home.

Godimabitch · 30/12/2020 12:48

I wouldn't be doing a thing for DDs birthday! She's behaved appallingly and she's old enough to know better! She's not a child.

What are you going to do, say happy birthday, give her a cake, and presents while she ignores you? You'll feel half an inch tall.

IamMariahScarey · 30/12/2020 13:40

You really need to stop chasing them both. It’s ridiculous, totally blank them. This makes me piss boil! How could anyone treat another human this way

toocold54 · 30/12/2020 18:54

How have things been today OP?

Original poster
Cos12345 · 30/12/2020 19:17

No change, I went to my friends for the day got home noone talking again.
I've just been downstairs to make soup, he shut the door as I walked past
I've made soup come back upstairs.
My friend was great she agreed I hadn't done anything wrong.
It's just sad that we're both off work and ignoring each other. I don't know what else to do I've tried today but I'm just sad

OP posts:
Buttercream22 · 30/12/2020 19:24

This is just awful.
Do they normally treat you like this? I think you need to ask yourself some bigger questions? Can you be in a relationship/marriage like this? Are you happy OP?

billybagpuss · 30/12/2020 19:27

I know I’m missing the point, but why is he sleeping on the sofa if you have a spare room?

What is he like generally?

Original poster
Cos12345 · 30/12/2020 19:43

The spare room only has a day bed- no TV, it's git the Christmas decs, wrapping paper etc in so it's not comfy really I think that's why, also if he's there is more of a point

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 30/12/2020 19:46

I really worry about your husband and your daughter - his step-daughter - siding against you.

HollowTalk · 30/12/2020 19:47

Especially when a lot of alcohol is involved.

LockdownLove · 30/12/2020 19:50

He is an abuser. He is emotionally abusing you to try and control you. And your daughter is mirroring his behavior as she thinks it is normal and therefore may find herself in a relationship with an abuser soon.

He will break you down over the years with this behavior.

It is very hard to stand up to abuse when it is engrained in your relationship.

But you need to find a way to do it for your own sanity and so that your daughter will also learn that this behavior is not acceptable.

Please read up on emotional abuse. It always gets worse and the chances are high it will escalate into physical abuse.

I have been there and know how hard it is and the temptation to apologize for a quiet life. But then the vicious cycle begins again.

I broke free 10 years ago. And am now in a healthy and happy relationship.