Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

[Mucholoco]

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

OP, can I recommend the book Raising Girls by Steve Biddulph (there is also a Raising Boys).

www.amazon.co.uk/Steve-Biddulphs-Raising-Girls-Biddulph/dp/0007455666?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I was intent on raising a strong feminist and I did. When my girl was small she was read stories of women who saved themselves, women who carved their own path.
Did it stop her loving Princesses? No. Did she have a zillion barbies? Absolutely

But she also had a lot of books about girls who went on adventures and toys which were altogether more gender neutral, some which were obviously aimed at boys. But mainly it was pink and sparkly and that's absolutely fine because pink is not weak. Princesses have courage and brains. Girly means something very negative to some people and its a shame!!

@Fillybuster

PS *@Mucholoco* you are so not a bad mother!! You’re a fantastic mother who is trying to make informed, mindful decisions, and is open to challenge & changing her mind....you’re totally rocking it!

@Fillybuster

Thank you 🙏

I don't think they are hang ups, they are just views.

If we all parented identically we'd have no variety in society.

The role of a parent is to raise the child the best way they can - there are many views on what this means. And that's ok so long as not too restrictive.

Your decision but sounds totally ridiculous to me and very over the top. Very controlling.

I just remembered that my mum refused to let me have a Sindy/Barbie/Tressy (I badly wanted the latter). I wasn't a remotely girly child. I loved books and my spirograph and arty stuff most. But I really wanted that tressy. My friends all had such dolls (well, only one each because it was different times in the 60s and they were expensive). And I wanted to be part of their play instead of having to just sit watching.

But my mum flat out refused. They were 'common'. It wasn't a money issue, it was snobbery. And I never really forgot that

When I had my daughters, I was determined not to make the same mistake. They had everything from a Fisher price garage, to my little ponies, to Tonka trucks to (eventually) Barbies.
I had one sporty tomboy and one who loved the 'caring for' toys. But they played together with everything.

Fwiw dd2 used to love a princess dress. She has also always been a very outdoorsy tomboy type child in other ways. She loves horses and being outdoors but always wore a tutu over her wellies and waterproofs as early as 18 months - her choice. She'd be out rolling in the mud and wrestling the geese then come in and put on her Elsa dress. Even now at nearly 8 she's a bizarre mix of muddy country girl, trendy fur and leopard print and unicorn princess with a very strong and determined character. I can't imagine denying her the chance to dress up however she wishes it dictating what anyone could buy her. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't have worn it.

[quote deathbyprocrastination]@Mucholoco I haven't read the whole thread but I think you've had some pretty harsh responses. I have two DDs and I also had strong views about all the princess nonsense being thrust upon them and I do think it's a reasonable concern - even in 2021 so much of the stuff that tiny girls are taught to like emphasises the idea that how they look is the most important thing about them. It's changing but VERY slowly.

We didn't go as far as telling people not to buy stuff but I think most people who know us had an idea how we felt about it. Anyway, it didn't stop DDs being given all sorts of flammable-looking pink sparkly crap by well-meaning relatives. At aged two, TWO!!!, DD1 was given an off-the-shoulder Barbie branded top that said "BFFs before boys" on it. Anyway, we were drowning in the stuff for a while but we just tried to balance it with other stuff as others have suggested - buy your DD lego (not the Friends' kind), get her doing things physically that take her out of her comfort zone, let her make mistakes, buy her one of those play tool kits, don't comment on people's looks etc You have far more influence on her outlook than the buyers of the disney dresses.

It's totally ok for you to want to protect your children from some of the worse kinds of gender stereotyping but you can't shield them from all of it and so your job is just to mitigate it, present alternatives etc You sound as if you're doing an ace job so don't let people make you feel bad or 'PFB' for having a view on this kind of thing - it can be all-pervading.

Also, if it does anything to allay your concerns, my DD1, now 13, went through a brief princess stage but it was very short-lived and most of those shiny dresses were barely worn while the Gruffalo costume was a massive hit. She isn't bothered now about looking pretty for boys, not into make-up yet or any of that stuff. DD2, now 10, (who had probably higher exposure to pink sparklies due to all the hand-me-downs) just totally rejected the whole thing from aged about 3 - it was all pirates for her and she's still very much all skateboards and tracksuit bottoms.[/quote]
@deathbyprocrastination

Thank you for this, I have felt some of the response have been a bit harsh but they all seem to have the same underlying advice.. balance it out!

Which is what I’m taking away from this... now I just have to have a chat with the relative and apologise to them and tell them if they still want to get her the play dress to go ahead.

Plus now I get the fun of looking for other dress up things and make her a dress up box.

Jeez oh what a load of fuss about a dress. Because that's all it is - it's a dress. DD wore princess dresses, transformer outfits, cardboard boxes, cat outfits - you name it, she liked it. It's just playing, don't make it into something that it isn't, it only becomes a problem if you make it one, which it appears you have.

You're trying to be 'current' with these wishy washy ideas about staying gender neutral.

Let her have a dress! Shes a girl that would most probably adore such a gift.

I'm really glad you're going to apologise to the relative. I'm grandmother to a toddler, and even though my daughter is quite easy going, I'm terrified of getting things wrong (thanks mumsnet!).

If I was your relative, I would really appreciate you letting me know you'd changed your mind, and making me feel better.

OP I think you are being totally reasonable. I fought the same “battle” re Barbie dolls. I did not want my daughter to become obsessed with clothes, fashion, body shape etc at a young age. I explained as best I could to a toddler just why they were not a good idea and that I wouldn’t buy her one. Well, when she was about 4 or 5 she came home from a visit to GPs with a Barbie doll, brought it to me and told me that she knew she wasn’t allowed it. We agreed to put it in the top of her wardrobe until she was older — she wasn’t upset, didn’t mention it again nor was she interested as she grew older. DD developed her own dress sense, has never been obsessed about weight or body shape or eating problems etc. She now works in the field of child psychology and child protection and agrees with my philosophy.
Children enjoy dress up clothes but they don’t need to be ready made princess dresses — her own imagination can convert any garment to something appropriate to her game.
Read books where the princess rescues the prince and defeats the dragon etc.

I think the thing that frustrates me about things like this is the idea that pink, girly or princess is bad and boy stuff is good. We shouldn't be giving girls the message that girl stuff is bad and they should aspire to be like boys.

My mum was exactly like this and it wasn't until I was in my late teens that I realised that pink isn't some inferior colour.

@saraclara

I'm really glad you're going to apologise to the relative. I'm grandmother to a toddler, and even though my daughter is quite easy going, I'm terrified of getting things wrong (thanks mumsnet!).

If I was your relative, I would really appreciate you letting me know you'd changed your mind, and making me feel better.

@saraclara

I wouldn’t dream of not apologising now.

Although over the top as you have acknowledged I get the gist of why you went down that route.

Ds is 11 and when he was little he had a range of toys from dolls to super hero’s (although never really got into the superhero’s) I always felt like others said the best way is to provide the variety of options and let them make their own decision.

He is currently sat with me watching frozen on TV

YABU. I bet your daughter would love the dress.

Do you see yourself as thrusting other toys on her? How is a dress up dress any different?

I agree that you're sucking the fun out of it.

Glad you’ve taken the feedback on board op and will apologise to your relative.

With parenting you pick your battles. She loves frozen. Why deny her the dress. She could grow up to be anything, a girlie girl, a tomboy, transgender,,,whatever,, she will be what she will be. Let her personality develop.

Don’t deny her things she will enjoy that will have no detrimental impact on her. It is not all or nothing.

My daughter loved teletubbie, Bernie and toy story, among many other things. I can assure you at 23 she has no desire to be a teletubby. Or to dress like woody from toy story. Nor does she pretend she’s buzz light year. Or wish to dress like a big purple dinosaur and sing do your ears hang low at the top of her lungs.

I think it’s a bit daft to ban stuff like princess dresses but I think it’s fine, welcome even, to not want to go overboard on things that play into gender stereotypes.

I have boys and I haven’t encouraged interests in guns/fighting/superheroes etc - nothing is banned, but I generally don’t buy things like that for them myself. I dislike young kids dressed up like The Avengers more than kids dressed up as Anna and Elsa.

DS1 had no interest at all in anything like superheroes- actively dislikes them in fact. DS2 loves this stuff and from the age of 3 makes up all kinds of imaginative play around “good guys and bad guys”, builds guns out of Lego, uses sticks for swords. So I am clearly fighting a losing battle. But I’d still rather foster his interests in dinosaurs and painting and climbing trees.

The way I tend to look at it when people buy my daughters princessy crap is "at least they are buying it, so I don't have to!".

This way the option is there in a drawer if they want it, but you aren't actively encouraging it.

You are being unreasonable. So she gets her a princess dress, one dress, does it really matter in the great scheme of things? no

My daughter was very against pink stuff for her little girl, and if I knitted anything pink I know she'd be annoyed and baby wouldn't wear it. Fair enough, it's her baby. My daughter likes "mucky " colours- olive green, mustard etc which I don't, again, fair enough. I've made some stuff in some mucky colours but I've refused to do all stuff in those colours so sometimes we've compromised with claret or navy.
However when she's old enough to choose and wants pink and sparkly I'll buy it if she wants it, just not everything pink and sparkly!
I've had my turn at dressing little girls and it's her turn to decide now.

@XmasBelle

Let it go

Massively underrated

I agree that kids shouldn't be inundated with gender specific stuff, we are maintaining the same from early doors, no one knows gender yet so I'm dodging that bullet for now. But I do think you should allow a mix.

But it's your kid and its not a massive ask. Just maintain calmly "no we dont want her to have stuff like that".

OP you sound like a great mum! The best mums are those that are open to others ideas and are happy to hold their hands up if they have been mistaken
Good job!

YABU and I am glad to see that you have acknowledged that.

My DD loved Frozen and loved her Elsa and Anna dresses when she was little. Now she is 12, she is permanently welded into black leggings and oversized black t-shirts - nothing pink or girly for her now!

Wearing a princess dress clearly had no effect on her. She also had the following dress up

Pirate
Wonder Woman
My Little Pony (Rainbow Dash)
Hermione Granger
Batgirl
Buzz Lightyear
Gingerbread Man
Upsy Daisy
Fireman/Policeman

She loved each and every outfit. She was quite girly when she was little, but she also loved Thomas the Tank Engine and had a wooden railway set.

Let toys be toys and just get her a variety.