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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

517 replies

Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 14:05

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Gibble1 · 29/12/2020 15:34

I’ve not read all the replies but I would be more inclined to decline one of these outfits because of how flammable they are. But the same goes for all children’s dress up play outfits. Because they are classed as toys, they do not have to follow the same fire retardant safety measures as children’s clothes. Terrifying.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 29/12/2020 15:34

Another aspect worth mentioning is that your relative wanted to do this for your DD, so putting aside any gender stereotypes, family members enjoy buying presents for the younger ones, and you absolutely cannot control what they buy, believe me!

But think it came from a good place from your relative, so for this, YABU.

Beautifulbonnie · 29/12/2020 15:34

Role playing and dressing up is quite integral to growing up.

As is imaginative play. I can’t see why you’d stop it personally.

NerrSnerr · 29/12/2020 15:35

@splishsplashsploosh

It's quite possible to be a little girl without princess dresses.
No one said it wasn't but a dress from a film she likes won't do her any harm.

My 6 year old has never worn a princess dress through her own choice. That doesn't make her any better or worse than those who wear them. They just have different taste in fancy dress!

81Byerley · 29/12/2020 15:35

I think that if you're not happy to impose gender related toys/clothing on your daughter, that's fine. Dressing up is normal at her age. I would provide a whole range of things for a dressing up box, including charity shop hats and scarves, Different children's character clothes (Postman Pat, Fireman Sam etc.), and Frozen dresses, and then let her use her imagination. You may find she will pair her princess dress with her firefighter's helmet. What you shouldn't do is impose a princess ban whilst allowing other gender related costumes. One of my Granddaughters was not going to be raised as a girly girl, but despite that turned into the most girly fairy loving girl you can imagine. Now, aged 18, she's not particularly girly, likes make up but doesn't mind not wearing any. Two of my Grandsons begged for "dancing dresses" and wore them everywhere for about a year at ages 4-5, and now, six years later tend to go for more boyish stuff. Children will go through phases, and given access to a wide range of toys etc., will eventually sort themselves out....despite their parents!

KindergartenKop · 29/12/2020 15:35

It depends if she means Anna or Elsa.
Elsa- YANBU
Anna- YABU

Thephantom · 29/12/2020 15:35

So long as you are aware that by forcing your own beliefs on your child you could punishing them uneccessarily. She likes frozen , not a range that you and your dh decide is best for her.

pepsicolagirl · 29/12/2020 15:36

Dressing up is such a brilliant way of playing though. Great for their motor skills as well as imaginative play. If you're worried about it being a princess dress then get her a less frothy costume too? My son has everything from werewolves to an else wig.

Ideasplease322 · 29/12/2020 15:36

I have an issue with people labelling anything ‘girly’ as somehow less than.

It actually contributes to putting down women.

Like the people who insist women shouldn’t wear pink in the boardroom. Why the fuck not, why can’t The boss Be strong, capable, confident and wear pink or high heels or love handbags?

Why is it okay to dress as a male stereotype but not as a female one?

Princesses are not worth less than princess.

inquietant · 29/12/2020 15:37

I just used to hide/lose presents I didn't really like Blush so much easier than discussing.

If you really don't like princess dressing up, that's fine. I had an aversion to noisy toys, their batteries ran out very quickly Wink

unmarkedbythat · 29/12/2020 15:37

Why single out these particular items as not to be thrust upon her?

Original poster
Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 15:38

@Beautifulbonnie

Role playing and dressing up is quite integral to growing up.

As is imaginative play. I can’t see why you’d stop it personally.

@Beautifulbonnie

We haven’t stopped imaginative play but we don’t have a dress up box yet, it was something I was thinking about putting together anyway so looks like there will be a frozen dress in there somewhere 😀

OP posts:
Misswig · 29/12/2020 15:38

My DS asked for an Elsa dress when he was 3 as he was obsessed with all things Frozen- we bought him one and he wore it most days until he outgrew it.

lcdododo · 29/12/2020 15:38

But by trying to allow your daughter to make her own choices and not be led down a certain path, you are in fact doing the opposite.

Your forcing your choices on to her and leading her down a path you approve of so your actually removing all freedom

You know how you say things were forced upon you as a child, well you're doing exactly the same to your daughter

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2020 15:39

The underlying context is that you don’t like the relative, at least that’s what I’m reading between the lines? Mil?

Original poster
Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 15:41

@unmarkedbythat

Why single out these particular items as not to be thrust upon her?
@unmarkedbythat

Clearly this thread has pointed out it’s my own hang ups ☹️

Has made me feel like a bit of a bad mother.

OP posts:
Fillybuster · 29/12/2020 15:42

Hey OP, I was going to say YABU but can see that you’ve taken all the feedback with grace....good for you!

Yes, YABU to say “we were pregnant”, and it’s not really fair to ban the dress after letting your DD watch the movie, but I do think you’re coming from a good place on all of this, and it’s bloody hard to walk that line and get it right the whole time.

We had the advantage of having ds first, so my dds inherited a stack of fireman/Spider-Man/racing driver/dinosaur outfits to go with the princess dresses that came flooding in from around age 3 (they would frequently go out dressed in weird combinations of all of the above!). My DN (3) absolutely lives in the Elsa dress she was given a few weeks ago, whilst carting her collection of dinosaurs and trucks around in a princess rucksack. IMO, it’s all about giving your dcs the full gamut of choices and letting them get on with it, rather than banning specific things.
That said, I did ban 2 items, neither of which I regret, despite DM & DMIL getting very pissy at me about having to make several returns:

  1. Any makeup/hair salon type toys. I felt very strongly that my dds did not need to spend time “playing” with these things in a formal way.
  2. “Princess” shoes with high heels, even just one or two centimetres, were completely banned. Despite MIL giving them to SILs DDs, I stood my ground....I can’t bear seeing 4 year olds tottering around on these.
Both dds (now 10 &13) tell me that they don’t think they missed out on either item!
midnightstar66 · 29/12/2020 15:43

If your did loves frozen she's almost certain to love an Elsa dress even if you do not.

Fillybuster · 29/12/2020 15:44

PS @Mucholoco you are so not a bad mother!! You’re a fantastic mother who is trying to make informed, mindful decisions, and is open to challenge & changing her mind....you’re totally rocking it!

inquietant · 29/12/2020 15:44

@unmarkedbythat

Why single out these particular items as not to be thrust upon her?
We all do this a bit surely? I threw away about four things I didn't want my kids to play with. Then they were left to choose from the other thousands (felt like it anyway) of toys.
Cocomarine · 29/12/2020 15:44

At that age, my daughter was a legend at nursery for wearing princess dresses every day, as normal wear. She LOVED them. Had about 15 (thank you eBay!) and lived in them.
Friends laughed about me being given the wrong baby in the hospital.

She’s 12 now. Wears fitted ripped jeans, DM boots and oversized baggy grey hoodies. (loves very colourful, glittery make up though!)

Who knows what her style will be at 16 or 30?

All those dresses back then meant, was that she had fun enjoying clothes.

My only “rule” was that her clothes didn’t restrict her. I never said, “careful not to get that pretty dress dirty my little princess” but “there’s a lot of paint on that - guess you had fun today then!” I made sure the nursery knew that I didn’t mind if the costumes got dirty or even damaged. We’d go to the park after nursery, and tuck billowing skirts into leggings and climb on the equipment, princesses escaping from whatever danger... without a rescuing prince 😉

Don’t worry too much about the clothes - think about the behaviour.

pepsicolagirl · 29/12/2020 15:44

Op you are not a bad Mum. You are trying to do your best and by the looks of your responses you can now see where maybe you need a rethink.

That seems like a very good approach to me?

LittleRa · 29/12/2020 15:45

Don’t feel that way, OP- as I said in my post, you are clearly taking people’s points on board- that’s the most important thing. Parenting can be a minefield. The fact that you posted about this in the first place shows you were a little unsure and now that you’ve read the replies you’re changing your view. No one is a perfect parent, we’re all just trying to muddle through as best we can! If you’d posted your OP, received these replies and then said “well I still think I’m right, pink and princesses are still banned in my house!” then that would be one thing, but you are taking advice on board.

deathbyprocrastination · 29/12/2020 15:46

@Mucholoco I haven't read the whole thread but I think you've had some pretty harsh responses. I have two DDs and I also had strong views about all the princess nonsense being thrust upon them and I do think it's a reasonable concern - even in 2021 so much of the stuff that tiny girls are taught to like emphasises the idea that how they look is the most important thing about them. It's changing but VERY slowly.

We didn't go as far as telling people not to buy stuff but I think most people who know us had an idea how we felt about it. Anyway, it didn't stop DDs being given all sorts of flammable-looking pink sparkly crap by well-meaning relatives. At aged two, TWO!!!, DD1 was given an off-the-shoulder Barbie branded top that said "BFFs before boys" on it. Anyway, we were drowning in the stuff for a while but we just tried to balance it with other stuff as others have suggested - buy your DD lego (not the Friends' kind), get her doing things physically that take her out of her comfort zone, let her make mistakes, buy her one of those play tool kits, don't comment on people's looks etc You have far more influence on her outlook than the buyers of the disney dresses.

It's totally ok for you to want to protect your children from some of the worse kinds of gender stereotyping but you can't shield them from all of it and so your job is just to mitigate it, present alternatives etc You sound as if you're doing an ace job so don't let people make you feel bad or 'PFB' for having a view on this kind of thing - it can be all-pervading.

Also, if it does anything to allay your concerns, my DD1, now 13, went through a brief princess stage but it was very short-lived and most of those shiny dresses were barely worn while the Gruffalo costume was a massive hit. She isn't bothered now about looking pretty for boys, not into make-up yet or any of that stuff. DD2, now 10, (who had probably higher exposure to pink sparklies due to all the hand-me-downs) just totally rejected the whole thing from aged about 3 - it was all pirates for her and she's still very much all skateboards and tracksuit bottoms.

Mimitoo · 29/12/2020 15:46

I think what you should be asking yourself, is 'would dd enjoy having a frozen dress - would it make her happy?'. That's the main point of a present.

I get you. I didn't want my dd to be the one afraid of getting muddy or playing rough and tumble, or to fit into the stereotype that may negatively impact her. As it turns out, she bloody loves frozen (has several dresses btw), loves her make up, is good at gymnastics, goes to football and is is doing well in both Maths and English, plus loves a good tree to climb. It's not stopping certain things that makes a person, it's about balance and making sure you do the rest to being up a well rounded child and there is more to that than if they like pink, gender neutral or blue toys. At the end of the day, they will be who they will be. If they happen to be wearing a sparkly dress or a vet set, so be it.