Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

[Mucholoco]

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

Let your Daughter have a pretty dress..
It does little harm.
If you can’t wear a princess dress at 2 yrs, when can you!?
She’ll probably love it.

My bros were not allowed toy weapons, but we made weapons out of sticks and bow and arrows out of garden canes.
Forbidding certain toys/ clothing can have the opposite effect, and make them far more alluring.

I adored my frilly blue party dress, and was absolutely not a girly girl.

My friend was forbidden from having an Action Man, as his parents didn’t like the idea of boys with dolls.

A pink sparkly dress won’t do harm.. plus make a sparkly wand🙂

My then 4yr old princess loving, tiara wearing girly girl is now a 14yr old tomboy teenager with a shaved head and a penchant for steampunk victoriana dresses and fighting social injustice.

To my mind they will like what they like. I'm just proud of her walking to the beat of her own drum.

@Mucholoco

Sounds like you've come on here for honest advice, some people have been extremely honest on their thoughts and you have taken it all on board. You have the capacity to change your views and admit mistakes - even apologise!

If these aren't key traits of an amazing mother then I am not sure what are. Be kind to yourself.

I personally hate the colour

Well that's you isn't it. Don't force your ridiculous and precious notions on your child

Yabu, what's wrong with girls wearing Pruncess dresses? It's nothing that is unsafe for her and she likes Frozen so I dont get what your problem is? My little girl always loved Frozen and had a frozen dress plus lots of other Princess dresses. One day she will grow up and wont want to play dress up anymore. Let her have fun whilst she is a child!

@XmasBelle

Let it go

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@XmasBelle

Let it go

🤣👍❄

I don't think this is very kind of you, she's (almost) 3 years old of course she'd love to dress up as Elsa given the choice. It doesn't mean she's going to grow up wanting to be a princess, just relax. It's kind of your family to buy thoughtful gifts that she likes and a bit rude of you to be ungrateful I'm afraid.

@pepsicolagirl

My then 4yr old princess loving, tiara wearing girly girl is now a 14yr old tomboy teenager with a shaved head and a penchant for steampunk victoriana dresses and fighting social injustice.

To my mind they will like what they like. I'm just proud of her walking to the beat of her own drum.

@pepsicolagirl

They do what they like indeed, little one is currently playing with some dinosaurs while making a tent with a blanket 🙂

To your dd it's just a costume from a film she enjoys, I wouldn't read anything more into it than that.
My dd and ds were both into frozen years ago and both used to dress up as Elsa and Anna all the time, it was just playing. I always gave them a variety of toys and what they played with was their choice.
You provide the variety by offering options not excluding them.

I do get it, OP. When my kids were small I felt that everything really mattered. Like every small decision I made would somehow dictate the person that they would be one day/their happiness/their security.

I wish I'd given myself a break. My two are chalk and cheese, and looking back, were so from the moment they left the womb. They were loved, they had parents who gave them every opportunity that they could, and who supported them in school, in their interests, and in their emotions. That's the best you can do.

They pretty much arrive in this world as themselves. And what influence we have is only part of the nurture thing. Their friends, their wider family, their school all play their part. That princess dress is not going to form who your daughter is. But the happiness of owning it and the imaginative play she will have, will add to the positivity in her life. Let her have joy.

[quote SkittlesRainbow]@Mucholoco

Sounds like you've come on here for honest advice, some people have been extremely honest on their thoughts and you have taken it all on board. You have the capacity to change your views and admit mistakes - even apologise!

If these aren't key traits of an amazing mother then I am not sure what are. Be kind to yourself.[/quote]
@SkittlesRainbow

Thanks for that.

I agree with you. I personally don't like those dresses.... much prefer the kind of dress up that goes on top of normal clothes (tutu skirt, crown, hat, coat....). I think it's more fun, easier for them to put on/take off.

Also, it's your child, your rules!

I also do really know what you mean OP... my first child I lived in an artsy part of london and it was a riot of natural wool handknits and organically dyed wood blocks. Then we had my dd and moved back to my home town... and it is my DD herself who has betrayed me! She is MAD for all things sequinned, sparkly, glittery, pinkety pink pink pink, even better if it’s plastic etc.

I mitigate it with lots of activities in the great outdoors, jeans to go under the tutus, gardening (ie getting filthy), being into nature etc.

BUT. Recently I worked out that as far as I can see alllllll the little girls here are the same, it’s like a pandemic of sparkle and character branded shit wall to wall. But I am in the region with the top-performing state academics, and the girls do better than the boys (which is its own oft-forgotten issue) so really, I just tell myself that all these Disney Princess wannabes are all growing up to be top doctors, architects, lawyers, accountants, nurse practitioners, directors, family business owners... so it all seems to be working out.

It sounds like your parents imposed their beliefs on to you and you're doing the same to your daughter. I think if anything you should have asked your daughter whether she would like it and certainly not your husband unless he will be wearing it too.

I have a boy and I like him to have a selection of toys - he has a dolls house, a fire engine, a doll, cars, trucks etc. I certainly would tell anyone what not to buy him whether I liked it or not.

Apologise to your relative and let her buy the dress. John Lewis have a fireman's outfit and a few other things you could buy to balance things out.

Give your child the choice and please try and be less controlling.

That’s ridiculous, my son loved playing with handcuffs, pirates but also loved dolls, pretend ironing. Your being controlling, will you be ‘that parent ‘ at nursery or school? I can’t stand parents like you to tell you the truth, your poor daughter

I think dressing up clothes are fine - what saddens me a bit is when a love of dressing up clothes and sparkles spills over into day to day wear and then inhibits what they can do.

We bumped into one of my DS’s female friends from school (reception age) in the park. DS was scrambling up muddy slopes and having a whale of a time and his friend clearly wanted to join him but was wearing a lovely dress that would have been wrecked in minutes.

So it goes that fascination with princesses > love of princess clothes > love of clothes that resemble princess clothes > prioritising dressing up and looking nice over active play.

I see this all the time - when my oldest DS was reception aged he had a ‘forest school’ style birthday party. I had been very specific that everyone should dress for the outdoors but I still had girls turning up in party frocks who were then holding back from joining in the activities.

You are being mucho loca

OP well done for taking everything on board. I do sympathise, my dd had cars, footballs and football kits. She still became obsessed with pink Barbie and that was fine (in the end!)

If you think your daughter's notion of gender will be damaged by a flimsy (And they are which is why I don't like them) dress then you need to get some more confidence in your child's intelligence and reflect on what message you are giving. Being a woman isn't bad. Being a woman restricted by notions of feminity is. But only allowing your view is to limit a view of womanhood. Far better to raise a child to question and recognise problematic notions than to control every last experience.

@Laughnaff

That’s ridiculous, my son loved playing with handcuffs, pirates but also loved dolls, pretend ironing. Your being controlling, will you be ‘that parent ‘ at nursery or school? I can’t stand parents like you to tell you the truth, your poor daughter

@laughnaff

Thanks and the last comment isn’t helpful, really doesn’t add anything and is somewhat mean.

Can’t your dd have everything instead of you and dh deciding not to give her items based on your preference
What I mean is us why can’t she have a mixture of toys
dress up
Cars
Lego
Dolls
Kitchens
DIY play set

My ds loved his cleaning house stuff

My dd had dolls and never played with them at home but at school it’s what she did play with ! Kids eh

So it goes that fascination with princesses > love of princess clothes > love of clothes that resemble princess clothes > prioritising dressing up and looking nice over active play.

That's not always the case. You've just reminded me of the party dress phase my daughter went through. She had a beautiful pink sparkly dress when she was 3. It cost me £1.99 from the charity shop. It survived many park trips, days at preschool, days out on farms etc. It didn't matter if it got wrecked, but it didn't. Think it's been passed down twice through friends since and it's still going strong (with similar head strong girls wearing their pretty party dress to the park).

I find it strange that you let your dd watch Disney princess films, but won’t let her dress as the characters from those films. My dd had princess dresses. She also had fireman Sam pyjamas and sometimes wore the top as a tshirt as she loved it so much. It’s all about balance. I’ve always made sure I had a variety of colours of stuff, didn’t buy the pink Version of stuff all the time, dd had cars to play with, Ds had dolls to play with. But, in the end, they find what they are interested in and regardless of what you think, thats what they will want to play with.

@grey12

I agree with you. I personally don't like those dresses.... much prefer the kind of dress up that goes on top of normal clothes (tutu skirt, crown, hat, coat....). I think it's more fun, easier for them to put on/take off.

Also, it's your child, your rules!

@grey12

That’s a good point, easy things to go on over to top of things is a good idea!