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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

517 replies

Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 14:05

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 29/12/2020 15:25

@AliTheMinx I agree with you - Granny - Aunty - Uncle - whoever - you can ask but if they buy a present you ( in my opinion ) you can ask , but not dictate, & the child will either like it or not.

All best @AliTheMinx

badacorn · 29/12/2020 15:25

I’m with you op, I hate princess dress up stuff. It’s harmless but I wouldn’t buy one for my kid unless she asked for it. I don’t think you’re being silly or weird or whatever.

rollinggreenhills · 29/12/2020 15:25

@XmasBelle

Let it go
Grin
Original poster
Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 15:26

@XelaM

You have been rude (and weird) to your well-meaning relative. You don't get to pick your gifts. My (now 10-year-old) hates frilly princess dresses and has done since she was around 5, even though my in-laws always buy the most ridiculous faux-diamond-encrusted ball gowns for her and have done since she was a baby. We smile politely and say "thank you- it's beautiful" and then give or store it away. No one is going to get damaged by a princess dress. You're acting nuts
@XelaM

This relative notices when anything they have given has been packed away and questions it every time. Most of the time this will be clothes that are to small but they always check that we haven’t given it away, which I wouldn’t do as I would like to have another child.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 29/12/2020 15:26

Oh my, this is pure PFB. Many of us had ideas about what we’d do with our babies. Organic food, wooden toys, no guns, no pink etc then real life sets in.
As an example, my niece was not allowed anything remotely sweet or not organic. She became the kid who would really go for it at parties until she felt sick, ended up the fussiest eater. She still at 20 has a very limited diet in what she likes which is basically junk Grin
I wouldn’t allow guns. Ds just made a gun of anything and loves a nerf gun against my better judgment.
Kids like what they like. Pretty often little girls like princesses and Disney. If this troubles you, either don’t allow Disney or let her have the dress in amongst other dress up. Dress up is an excellent way of imaginative play.
It does seem v rude to make such an issue of it, to need to discuss it with your husband etc.
It will no doubt be something you’ll look back on in the future and cringe at (hopefully).
Yabu.

Somethingkindaoooo · 29/12/2020 15:26

@XmasBelle

Let it go
Grin
AcrossthePond55 · 29/12/2020 15:27

I’m not opposed to girly things as she has a dolly and baby she plays with, a little tea set etc

So baby dolls and tea sets are 'girly' things?

Both my sons had baby dolls at your DD's age, along with play kitchen things and a toy shopping cart with toy food. I don't consider those 'girly'. I consider them as non-gendered teaching tools for nurturing and doing household chores.

There weren't 'princess dresses' when I was young but I certainly played dress up with my older sister's cast off prom and bridesmaid dresses. Doing so didn't turn me into a 'surrendered wife' or make me feel I wasn't an equal to any man.

Lighten up.

Original poster
Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 15:27

@icelollycraving

Oh my, this is pure PFB. Many of us had ideas about what we’d do with our babies. Organic food, wooden toys, no guns, no pink etc then real life sets in. As an example, my niece was not allowed anything remotely sweet or not organic. She became the kid who would really go for it at parties until she felt sick, ended up the fussiest eater. She still at 20 has a very limited diet in what she likes which is basically junk Grin I wouldn’t allow guns. Ds just made a gun of anything and loves a nerf gun against my better judgment. Kids like what they like. Pretty often little girls like princesses and Disney. If this troubles you, either don’t allow Disney or let her have the dress in amongst other dress up. Dress up is an excellent way of imaginative play. It does seem v rude to make such an issue of it, to need to discuss it with your husband etc. It will no doubt be something you’ll look back on in the future and cringe at (hopefully). Yabu.
@icelollycraving

Already cringing to be honest

OP posts:
herecomesthsun · 29/12/2020 15:27

We have encouraged our daughter to play sport and take an interest in maths and science.

She also has had as many princess dresses and hair accessories as she fancied.

And dolls if she wanted (but no Barbies).

She is very happy being a science buff and also baking cakes.

We did however actively discourage my son from trainers with pink sequins when little (my DH did not want him to get teased) but we did buy him tops with flippy sequins of different sorts.

I think it's great for them to be able to try out new things.

Crankley · 29/12/2020 15:27

OP, you sound just like someone I know. When she had her first daughter she was determined not to put her in pink and frilly clothes. While both grandparents were busy knitting and sewing such clothes, the mother was also madly knitting, chunky knits in dark green, navy and brown and they were the only things she would put on her DD, along with a tiny pair of jeans.

All changed when the child got to be old enough to choose what she wanted to wear and what she wanted was pink and sparkly the more sparkly the better. Her mother was in despair but both GMs had the last laugh and filled her little wardrobe with princess play outfits. Smile

NoSquirrels · 29/12/2020 15:28

YABU mostly because 3 years old is THE perfect time for dress-up of all sorts and you’ll regret it if you don’t embrace it, I promise you. There is nothing more fabulous than small children of either sex in dress-up outfits. Amazing.

(DC1 got an Elsa dress the Christmas it was out from an aunt. Asda, less than a tenner. It was in absolute rags by the time we got rid of it, having been worn by many children of both sexes. As were the Star Wars costumes, doctor outfit (still used for a Halloween at least 5 years later) and vampire cape which is still going strong. Currently only wears black, so it’s fitting I guess. Invest in your dressing up box, OP!)

Santaisonhiswaytoday · 29/12/2020 15:28

YABU.
You mentioned she likes Frozen, relative thought it would be an appropriate gift which it is. I don't see the issue?!

BackforGood · 29/12/2020 15:28

YABU

If you think it is okay to put her in front of the film, than I can't see why it isn't okay for her to dress as one of the characters from the film. Many (most?) small dc love dressing up and swishing around in a long dress - boys included.

From reading your posts, it seems that you have made some theortetical agreement about giving her 'gender neutral' toys, but then you keep referring to things that are very much gender neutral, as 'girls toys' Confused
Depriving someone of fun things isn't really the way to prove you are all for equality you know.

splishsplashsploosh · 29/12/2020 15:29

I think the OP is being very reasonable. She has the right to want to bring her child up the way she wants to. In the same way, some parents only want their children to have non-plastic toys etc. She'll get enough opportunities for dress up at nursery/ school. Home can be for developing other areas of play, whether that's playing with lego, doing puzzles or having tea parties with her teddies. Parents should have the right to bring their children up the way they want to, not how society or relatives want them to.

BrutusMcDogface · 29/12/2020 15:30

Good god, YAB SOOOOO U!

MolyHolyGuacamole · 29/12/2020 15:30

@XmasBelle

Let it go
😂😂😂

Also OP, I'd understand this stance of not exposing her to princesses a lot more if you hadn't, well, exposed her to princesses.

Sparkles1992 · 29/12/2020 15:31

Bloody hell let her be a little girl!

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2020 15:31

Very odd thread, to object to something like a princess dress and to start doing it when you’re pregnant, and to have to discuss it with your husband too, it’s a dress up dress, one dress doesn’t mean she has everything pink or girlie

Really try not to dictate like this, your child will grow up to who she wishes to be, and it could be all pink girlie stuff or not. Just let her have whatever she loves and stop being weird about it, particularly the having to discuss this minor stuff with each other.

If you need to discuss something as minor as this, I can assure you you’re going to really struggle when the big stuff comes along.

Original poster
Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 15:31

@Crankley

OP, you sound just like someone I know. When she had her first daughter she was determined not to put her in pink and frilly clothes. While both grandparents were busy knitting and sewing such clothes, the mother was also madly knitting, chunky knits in dark green, navy and brown and they were the only things she would put on her DD, along with a tiny pair of jeans.

All changed when the child got to be old enough to choose what she wanted to wear and what she wanted was pink and sparkly the more sparkly the better. Her mother was in despair but both GMs had the last laugh and filled her little wardrobe with princess play outfits. Smile

@crankley yeah she does like things that are sparkly currently and she has tops/jeans with sparkly stuff on them and she likes them which is fine. This thread has opened my eyes a little.
OP posts:
Beautifulbonnie · 29/12/2020 15:32

Oh my

Wait. What’s the reasoning behind letting her watch frozen. But not aspire to be like the girls in frozen? Does this mean she can’t aspire to be wonder woman? Or super girl? Or dress in pink?

splishsplashsploosh · 29/12/2020 15:32

It's quite possible to be a little girl without princess dresses.

Beautifulbonnie · 29/12/2020 15:32

You’re forcing your views onto her

I don’t get it. If you didn’t want her to wear princess things. Why let her watch it?

Ellie56 · 29/12/2020 15:33

we had said this ever since we were pregnant. Your husband was pregnant? Hmm

FLOrenze · 29/12/2020 15:33

I totally understand where you are coming from. My DD wanted a cowboy outfit like her brothers. The relative in question bought her a cowgirl outfit. She was then offended when my DD cried when she opened it. She was only 3 but loved copying her brothers even to the extent of wearing their cast off clothes.

Fluffyhairforever · 29/12/2020 15:34

“...since we were pregnant”

Lol