Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

[Mucholoco]

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

Exactly this!

People have gone too far with this gender neutral thing now to the point that they are now only allowing children to play with stereotypical things for the opposite gender! So if you have a girl heaven forbid she should like pink or dresses she must only like dinosaurs and cars!

The whole point is to let them play with whatever they like. If she gets bought the dress and doesn't want to wear it then who's forcing her? If she does want to wear it, then so what???

Hi OP. Think you have had a bit of a hard time on here from some, but am still glad that the replies have made you think, and maybe relax a bit. For the record, my granddaughter is 7, and loves Princess outfits, pink and Unicorns. However she also has superhero costumes, and cars and her hobby is playing the drums ( she's really good), so not completely girly girly. As long as you allow her to have a range of toys/outfits she'll be fine.

You have so much to learn.
BTW, ‘ we ‘ weren’t pregnant, you were.

YANBU

Elsa is a strong role model

I bought my dd an Elphaba witch’s outfit when she was young. She loved Wicked. Frozen is like Wicked for Disney. Heck, it’s even the same singer.

She also loves Marvel superheroes and had various of those items too.

Ds loved Thomas the tank. With a passion. He had a dress up tabard and a train drivers cap. By the age of 14 he’d graduated to dressing up as Elder Price from the Book of Mormon musical!

Wouldn't it be nice if people actually read the OP's posts before commenting on a thread with more than 350 posts?

Feeling really sorry for OP now. She's been a star but still the insults are flying.

DBACAYL

@Norwester

I teach KS1. You might want to ask your dd why she likes Frozen. She might love Olaf. Or Sven. Or think Elsa is a good sister. Or Anna is tough. I mean, Elsa's pretty badass. She might like that.

When adults hear that a child likes a certain Disney princess film, it's straight to the sparkly dresses without asking a thing. So I do see your point, even though I'd happily hand her an Elsa dress.

I had a girl wearing a Belle dress on dress-up day who explained that she really liked Mrs Potts and Chip and that's why the film was the 'best'. She wasn't that into Belle. The dress just kinda channeled that for her.

Anyway, your dd might have some interesting opinions to share! Kids are the best.

@Norwester

She does seem to grasp ‘why?’ Just yet but does tell us what her favourite is and this changes every scene in the film, so I’m guessing she likes all of them but the first thing she loved was Olaf! And who doesn’t love Olaf!

@Pugdogmom

Hi OP. Think you have had a bit of a hard time on here from some, but am still glad that the replies have made you think, and maybe relax a bit. For the record, my granddaughter is 7, and loves Princess outfits, pink and Unicorns. However she also has superhero costumes, and cars and her hobby is playing the drums ( she's really good), so not completely girly girly. As long as you allow her to have a range of toys/outfits she'll be fine.

@Pugdogmom

Yeah I have just started to ignore all the other posts on here but TBF I wouldn’t expect someone to read 15 pages worth of replies! I never thought so many people would reply and at least some of the people on here gave their opinions in a constructive way.

I had a good chat with my relative and we even ended up laughing about it. We have a very good relationship and both agreed it was a silly thing in the first place.

Just caught up with this thread and OP @mucholoco has been an absolute star taking what's been said on board. It is so important that little girls (and boys of course!) don't feel that being girlie is "bad" or undesirable. Balance is absolutely key. And I think there are far worse princesses for your DD to like and dress up as... Elsa is independent, strong, loves her sister and literally magical. What more could you want in a role model!

Have a peaceful evening OP.

@BeardyButton

YANBU. Gender stereotypes are responsible for so much bloody damage. Well done for trying to acknowledge the effect and do smt about it. As this thread will no doubt show, you ll be up against a brick wall though. What would MN say if it was a little boy your relative wanted to give the princess dress to?

@BeardyButton

Yeah, just have to get the balance right and not banish something she doesn’t even have. My relative is going to get the 1 dress and then I’m going to start getting little bits and pieces for a dress up box, like a doctors coat, a cape, pirate bits and bobs... so there is a good mix of everything.

@AlternativePerspective

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an OP in AIBU where the poster took on board what was said to this extent. I think that makes you a mn legend OP.

Although you do realise don’t you that some people will only read the OP and will then proceed to tell you you’re being ridiculous?

We periodically have threads on here where people ask posters to confess to their worst PFB moments, and those range from posters saying about similar pre-conceived ideas, to the poster I saw once admitting that she parked outside her local a&e when she started weaning just in case her PFB had a reaction. 😂😂😂

Actually someone should start one...

Incidentally, I had a remote controlled car and a train set for Christmas amongst other things But I think somewhere along the way I had a dolls pram and one of those baby dolls which were around back then. As an adult I detest everything sparkle (well apart from diamonds, ) and I have never worn makeup in my life. My sister on the other hand was into a lot of this stuff but even though she was and still does a bit as an adult, she certainly hasn’t ever been a stereotypical girl iyswim.

@AlternativePerspective

Thanks, I do try and take people opinions onboard and I agree that a bit of balance with this is the way to go for sure.

I have just started to ignore the new posts that clearly haven’t read through but I can’t expect people to sit there and read what... 15 pages of replies now 😂.Crazy!

But thanks for the nice words and it’s good to know I’m not the only one who has their moments.

@MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat

Just caught up with this thread and OP *@mucholoco* has been an absolute star taking what's been said on board. It is so important that little girls (and boys of course!) don't feel that being girlie is "bad" or undesirable. Balance is absolutely key. And I think there are far worse princesses for your DD to like and dress up as... Elsa is independent, strong, loves her sister and literally magical. What more could you want in a role model!

Have a peaceful evening OP.

@MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat

Thanks, you too. Now off to do a bit of extra work 🙂

You are being ridiculous!

having had a boy first, DD had a LOT of 'boy' stuff to play with, which we then added girly/princessy stuff to.

I have to say, while she did like her frozen dress, she much preferred running around in her batman costume, and when all the girls run around in pink frilly dresses, DD is roaming around in a dragon onsie or trakkies.

When you expose them to BOTH/ALL kind of dress up/toys, you're allowing them to make their own minds up over what they prefer.. when you EXCLUDE something, you're removing that choice and pushing your preference.

When my dd she loved all things pink and princess like rather too my discomfort at the time.
Now as tween she only wears baggy sludgy colors.

YABU .. for context my soon to be 16 yo DD wafted through toddlerhood is a sea of pink frothy princess dresses, but now is predicted A** in STEM GCSE subjects and is also playing football at a high level. The pink and girliness of younger years has had zero impact on her aspirations- and brought her so much joy as a child ... as someone has already said ‘Let it go ...’

I think you sound precious. Your dd likes the film so why would anything frozen related be a bad thing? Plus the frozen costumes are not cheap and it sounds like this family member was trying to be thoughtful. I could totally understand your position if you said your dd was into trucks and then she said she would get her a princess costume to dissuade her.

I have read all your responses and you are in no way a bad mum. You asked a question and got a range of responses. I can understand not wanting your dd to have typical 'girly' toys thrust upon her, in that way I feel the same I want my dd to have choices.

OP my daughter was never interested in girly stuff from toddler on. Anything that fell into the realm of dolls, dolls cots, prams, play kitchens etc were never played with. I learned eventually.

But a rule of thumb my mother taught me - whether a gift is unwanted, too big, too small, not to my/her taste, we already have it - it is accepted with grace and thanks.

If the giver enquires beforehand you can give them a steer. Otherwise say nothing but thank you, its lovely.

I have 4yo boy who loves Frozen move asked once when he can have a dress too :D also asked if he could have nice swimming costume as girls have. I didn’t say he can’t have a dress or bikini.
He is otherwise loves “typical boys” toys - cars, more cars and lego :D

But he also would choose pink outfit rather then blue :D He says that red and pink are his favorite colours. I let him choose.

I'm a feminist and a parent and it's difficult sometimes.
I absolutely hate the obsession with pink for girls and blue for boys, the fact that everything seems to be designed and marketed "for boys" or "for girls".
I don't like "girly" things myself... but I've had to do some soul searching about why I don't like those things, and I think it's because of the conditioning that "girly" = uncool whereas "boyish" = cool. I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that the most important thing is to give children a choice and that if they (girls or boys) choose "girly" things that's fine.
The problem is that I do worry about whether DS might get teased for having "girly" things but that's my issue and I am going to try my best not to project that onto him.
He recently decided that his favourite colours are pink and purple and I have been surprised and not particularly proud of my own reluctance to buy him "girly" pink things to wear

Anyway. I don't need to tell you to let your relative give DD an Elsa dress, as everyone else has said that and you've listened. Just wanted to remind you not to fall into the trap of rejecting and devaluing "girly" things.

Just wanted to remind you not to fall into the trap of rejecting and devaluing "girly" things.

Very well put.

@AnotherEmma

I dont mean this to sound horrible but it probably will.

Feminism is about choice. It is not about running away from anything feminine, or declaring anything feminine as bad. It is about having the choice; for men and women.

Misogyny is labelling traditional feminine things as girly and as not suitable for boys, and also saying that girls who like them have somehow failed at being strong women. That is misogyny, not feminism. There is absolutely nothing wrong with pink and sparkly for girls or for boys, as long as they have had access to a range of options and they have chosen that for themselves.

[quote WhereverIGoddamnLike]@AnotherEmma

I dont mean this to sound horrible but it probably will.

Feminism is about choice. It is not about running away from anything feminine, or declaring anything feminine as bad. It is about having the choice; for men and women.

Misogyny is labelling traditional feminine things as girly and as not suitable for boys, and also saying that girls who like them have somehow failed at being strong women. That is misogyny, not feminism. There is absolutely nothing wrong with pink and sparkly for girls or for boys, as long as they have had access to a range of options and they have chosen that for themselves.[/quote]
It doesn't sound horrible at all, just patronising and a bit silly because you're repeating my points back at me, which suggests that you misunderstood my post entirely!

You're well within your rights and people should respect that. However if you're against Princessy stuff, don't show your daughter Frozen (or other princess films) in the first place.