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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

517 replies

Mucholoco · 29/12/2020 14:05

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

OP posts:

Glitterblue · 29/12/2020 17:24

You're imposing your views on your daughter. Mine had loads of pink and princess items at that age. She's now 10.5 and her favourite colour is teal, and she complains when people think she only likes pink. They form their own views as they grow and change and mix with others at school.

Sirzy · 29/12/2020 17:24

@FuckOffBorisYouTwat

OP hold on to your own viewpoint. As a society we are going doctrinated to believe that there is something inherently wonderful about sparkly and pink shite for girls. We invited it entirely for our daughter till she was old enough to make her own choices and she never went down that road. She is now a very contented 10-year-old who has a huge range of interests her cousin on the other hand who is exactly the same age and had a very sparkly pink childhood is already interested in makeup, and boys and spend a lot of time thinking about what she looks like which at 10 seems a bit of a shame.

So you have two different children who have different likes and dislikes. That’s all you can prove from that statement

Angel2702 · 29/12/2020 17:26

They only have a few years of dressing up, I really don’t see what the issue is? Most kids love dressing up and end up with a range of dressing up clothes it doesn’t all have to be princesses.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 29/12/2020 17:28

@BrandoraPaithwaite

If I walked into a friend's daughter's room and it was pink with extra pink, with sparkle and more pink and all the toys followed the same theme then I would find it challenging to not say a lot about that. I'm not saying that girls should have girl stuff and boys should have boys stuff. Let's be honest, the "girl" toy section is all dolls and horses etc. Therr arent many challenging, interesting toys. What I'm saying is they should have access to it all. The building blocks, and cars and pokemon, superheroes, dolls etc. A selection of it all. For both sexes.

But OP's daughter is almost 3 and doesnt even have any dress up clothes. I might be a bit woo but I explained in my first reply the important of dress up, and how that dress up box should have things from all eras, genres and sexes. Its important, I think, and it was always the most popular box my kids had, even when their friends came over. Boys and girls in all sorts of heroes, usually with fairy wings stuck on the back.

LabradorGalore · 29/12/2020 17:30

Oh OP, you quoted me back on page 2.

I’ll give you this you’ve taken on board the comments with good grace and clearly had a think about it.

I was a tomboy and have a daughter who is the complete opposite. I always wanted her to embrace being happy with herself and allowing her to express herself. As long as she’s weather appropriate then I’m happy. Her tastes have evolved over the years - she’s still very girly, full of glitter, pink and all things twee, but as a teen she’s also steely, intelligent, competitive and well liked!

She had princess dresses, yoda costumes, football kits and tutus. And probably a lot more that I don’t remember. But truly allowing your daughter to be herself is not pushing her down your thoughts/feelings about clothes and letting her develop all by herself.

She sounds great, and you sound like you are a good mum who loves her very much and had a WTF moment. We’ve all done it - I’ll mention the time My son was a baby and I pulled all the sweet corn out of its little corn shell for his pasta because I was worried he’d choke. Parenting can often make you lose your damn mind

Kimakima · 29/12/2020 17:30

You sound really hard work.

AliceMcK · 29/12/2020 17:31

O ffs ifs not thrusting it upon her, she likes frozen I’m sure she will either love or hate the dress. I have 3 DDs, they have a range of toys from Spider-Man, firman sam, Disney Princess, dolls ( which I hate but that’s my problem not theirs), cars, trains, lots of dress up, Princess, superhero’s, Star Wars, they pick and choose what they like.

Dictating what people are allowed to buy your child to me has always been rude, fine if people ask you first but I won’t be told what to buy other people so I won’t tell anyone what to buy my DCs.

BrandoraPaithwaite · 29/12/2020 17:32

@WhereverIGoddamnLike I think we totally agree about toys then. Your kids' dress up box sounds brilliant. My dd is turning 3 in a few months, I'm going to create her a dress up box just like that for her bday, you've inspired me.

LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 29/12/2020 17:32

An op agreeing they were unreasonable! It must be Christmas

Lookslikerainted · 29/12/2020 17:32

Yabu. She likes frozen, so it’s relevant and as good

MzHz · 29/12/2020 17:32

@XmasBelle

Let it go

arf

toocold54 · 29/12/2020 17:36

My DD was obsessed with everything pink and princessey when she was little (a lot of little girls are) but my niece never was it was all cars and truck etc but now more than 10 years later they are the opposites my DD is very much a ‘tomboy’ and my niece is a ‘girly’ girl.

Just let them play with what ever they want and don’t force your own opinion on them and they will grow up happy and find out for themselves what they like.

momtoboys · 29/12/2020 17:36

Definitely first child syndrome. You'll loosen up if you go onto have more kids. This is not a hill to die on. Its nice that people want to buy her gifts.

Soontobe60 · 29/12/2020 17:43

I’m with you, OP. But then again I hate anything Disney with a vengeance! I also cant bear it when such obviously gendered toys are bought for children. Stereotyping children early on is lazy parenting IMO. Why do girls have to be princesses and boys superheroes? And before I’m piled on, i have 2 adult daughters - didn't buy either of them ‘girly’ toys or clothes, and they’ve grown up quite different, one is very feminine in her dress and appearance, the other not so much. Both quite fiercely independent, never relied on a man to support them (although both now married) both very caring and great with children and animals.

RollOnForever · 29/12/2020 17:43

My DD is exactly the same age and is a massive Frozen fan. She is Elsa and likes to use her 'powers' to wrestle her 4yo brother to the ground multiple times per day laughing maniacally.

She got an Elsa dress for Christmas, she liked the accessories but the dress is 'too noisy' (I think fabric rustles) so her big brother has kindly been modelling it daily for her, complete with long blonde plait and crown.

I do get where you are coming from but you also need to take a calm, measured approach. I've always gently resisted gender stereotypes with mine and been led by what they like. With my DS that has been a total mix of pink and sparkly and Ninjago/Avengers. Listen to your little girl and respond to what she likes and is interested in.

Just let her know she'll never be The Real Elsa, as that role has been taken by my DD

SchnitzelVonCrummsTum · 29/12/2020 17:43

@momtoboys - I've got 4 kids and didn't shift my position on this (although there's a ton of PFB stuff I really cringe about now). The kids seem to have survived. I agree that it's lovely that people want to buy the op's daughter gifts.

Soontobe60 · 29/12/2020 17:44

[quote WhereverIGoddamnLike]@BrandoraPaithwaite

year5teacher · 29/12/2020 17:46

Your child loving Frozen means it’s fair to assume she might enjoy a dress from the film. It’s not the same as your child being given exclusively pink princess stuff. YANBU in your aim to try and make sure she doesn’t just get bombarded with “girl stuff”, but in this instance YABU.

eaglejulesk · 29/12/2020 17:48

You are being silly about this. Firstly, parents should not dictate what others buy their children for gifts, unless of course it is something totally inappropriate or dangerous. If anyone buys your DD a princess dress, or any type of clothing, it is not "forcing" your DD into clothes she doesn't like - she still has the choice whether to wear them or not. Children are not mini-mes, they will decide what they like or don't like, as they should, their parents don't need to try and influence this.

CharlotteRose90 · 29/12/2020 17:48

It’s a bloody dress. My niece is the most tomboy like girl you will ever meet but she loves frozen and moana. I got her dresses and she wears then then a day later it’s back to jeans and a top. Your views are frankly awkward and worrying. Don’t pass your views to your child.

Embracelife · 29/12/2020 17:50

"Thanks relative. She would love the Olaf outfit/ Kristoff suit"

If it bothers you.

Just smile and say thankyou
You volunteeered the frozen info.
Relative was being nice.

Beautifulbonnie · 29/12/2020 17:52

@Mucholoco

You haven’t stopped imaginative play

Unless she wants to be a princess?!?........

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 29/12/2020 17:53

This has just reminded me of something my kids did when they were 6 and 4. They were both dressed as green arrow, and had broken into a ball so they could take down an evil archer. Once they had shot him, they tried to get out of the ball but the guards had surrounded the place so they put on some of the fairy/princess stuff we had and pretended to be guests at the ball to sneak out. All whilst I tried to clean the living room up around them! After that I also got them little black jackets and bow ties so they could do some more infiltrating of fancy places.

Beautifulbonnie · 29/12/2020 17:54

The other thing is soon enough. You’ll have invitations to parties

Many many many kids (especially girls). Have princess parties. We’ve been to 11 parties where it was dress up as a princess. Or Disney princess

That will be the next challenge.

GrumpyHoonMain · 29/12/2020 17:57

She only likes frozen because you decided it was appropriate for her to watch. A 2 yo wouldn’t have asked you to put it on. So now you made her like it, what’s wrong in getting her a play dress from the film?

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