Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

[Mucholoco]

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

I dont think you should dictate what gifts other people buy for your child (inless dangerous or inappropriate for more serious reasons)

Your child has watched and likes Frozen, you made the choice to allow her to watch it and now you think its ok control a gift related to that? Makes no sense.

Just to put it into perspective, my daughter was surrounded by pink as a baby/toddler/young child and she was happy. Including princess dressing up dresses et .I see nothing wrong with that. However she also had her brothers 'boy' type toys, cars, spiderman figures etc.

Now that she is older she wont be seen dead in pink! But thats her own choice, we didnt impose it on her and we didnt shelter/keep her from pink/blue things.

She has still grown up to be able to make her own choice about what she prefers.

@BrandoraPaithwaite

Some people make bad decisions and they absolutely should listen to those who have already raised children.

The advice here is overwhelmingly clear that balance is the key; that you shouldn't deny your children something because of an adult perspective on it but you should give them balance and encourage them to have a go at it all. That is advice more people should listen to. Popping out a child doesnt give you the experience and knowledge you need to always make the best decision. Listening to other gives you that knowledge.

Just let her choose what she wants. It's so annoying to be told you can't buy a certain thing (apart from of course something dangerous or sweeties with nuts in if allergic et). I really think YABU.

I wish people would stop feeling the need to declare their pink loving DD's have grown up to be Goth/Emo/Tomboys. It's fine to love pink from toddlerhood and still wear it as an Adult woman. It's fine to also pick dresses over jeans. A woman isn't morally superior or more intelligent because they reject what's considered feminine colours and hobbies. We are as valid as anyone, in whatever colours we wear.

My daughter has loads of princess dress up dresses and outfits and she never wears them she prefers PJ masks, Batman etc. She’s 3 now and has had these dresses since she was 2. They were never thrust upon her, she showed interested in Frozen and that was her first dress. She shows more interest in “boy” dressing up clothes. Your thinking way to much into it, children like what they like. Ridiculous.

My DD is currently dresses up as a pink tutu wearing astronaut with plastic sparkly shoes and a fairy wand and wings 🤣🤣
They can dress up as anything they want your the one gender labelling by banning princess stuff as it’s” girlie “

DD has grown up with a range of toys (she has two older brothers). She was just as likely to wear a superhero costume as a princess one (as did her brothers in reverse). She is now a very determined tomboy who has worn shorts to school for the last 2 years and has not taken off her braces, bowtie and fez since Christmas (she's a big Dr Who fan). If you are making sure that she has a range of options, why not let the relative buy a girly dress - I am sure that it won't damage her.

@PinkiOcelot

YABVU and a bit ridiculous tbh.

Btw, we weren’t pregnant. You were pregnant.

Exactly!

Equally when my 14 year old DS was about 2 he loved to walk around wearing a pink sparkly scarf and had a little doll that he loved. That was his choice and just as valid as when he chose to play with transformers and trains

You don't sound like you understand children much OP. My DD loved her princess dresses from age 3 to 5, she then started school and thought it was too babyish! They aren't little for long so it seems cruel to deny them of something they will probably love - and if they don't, then you can send the dress to charity and you get your own way!

You are not allowing an wide range of choices for your DD, despite what you think. You are being controlling and randomly discriminating against a few popular kids items (yes my DS liked to wear princess dresses too!)

Why out of everything are princess dresses so bad?? What is wrong with girls being girly? My DD is extremely girly, she can also hold her own climbing trees and playing nerf guns with her brother. She is also a competitive gymnast and is stronger that any of the boys in her class!

We need to teach girls they can be anything they want to be.......ANYTHING!

Btw my friend didn't want her DS to play with guns so she never allowed them. He is now a 6 year old who is obsessed with guns! He will turn a coat hanger into a gun!

OP, I was a bit perplexed when a friend gave my DD (not PFB, but first girl) a Disney Princess dress, as I had tried to avoid Disney tat. Needless to say, DD lived in it until it finally fell apart.

It was fine. She's not in the slightest bit princessy now.

I wouldn't discuss it all in quite such depth with your husband, though. I'd save discussions with husband for things that really matter. Otherwise you'll find that you'll never be able to do anything with your DC without checking with him first, and that's not a great path to go down.

I bought my DD much wanted Friends Lego set. Within a year she'd moved on and was making a Death Star with it. Can't make your kid anything other than what they are destined for

(I had been going to comment on the 'we were pregnant' comment, but I RTFT first. Just as well).

@NowellSingWe

Why does a child need a dress because they've watched a film? My children watched Totoro- I didn't buy them a Mae or Satsuki outfit or a Rotor costume. My children watched Tangled- I didn't buy them a Rapunzel dress or a Flynn costume. My children watched Monsters Inc- I didn't buy them a Mike or Sully costume, and definitely not a Randall costume.

Please explain people that go in for this why you'd buy a child an Anna or Elsa dress because they've watched Frozen.

My children act out things they've watched or read, they dress up, they're not deprived, and they don't need a specific costume to play "Anna and Elsa" or whatever.

Why not? Its just one of those fun cute sparkly things. Theres a market for them. They are available in shops. If you like it and can buy it then why not. If you dont want to buy it thats fine too. It doesnt need overthinking.

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

I take your point about listening to older and more experienced people and parents. Definitely a good idea. However I am pretty happy with my decision making and parenting choices. I doubt I'll be lying on my deathbed regretting refusing a polyester tutu on behalf of a 2yr old.

She's had a wonderful Christmas with a Lottie doll, Sylvanian families, a toy tool set, cars, a dinosaurs among her gifts and loved wearing a twirly skirt on Christmas Day. Merry Christmas.

YOU make choices for them that you believe to be for their best interests

By that logic @BrandoraPaithwaite social services is a waste of time if the parents view is always correct. Of course sometimes parents choices are wrong

No matter how hard parents try to encourage their dc to play with a range of toys, by the time they’re in year 1, the girls are the ones that will sit and colour in and dress up as princesses and boys will be playing with cars and Lego. I’ve been teaching this age group for over 20 years and it’s the same every year.

@Icdodo

Yes you're right of course. My comment was specifically in the context of toys for really little ones, within a healthy home environment.

OP hold on to your own viewpoint. As a society we are going doctrinated to believe that there is something inherently wonderful about sparkly and pink shite for girls. We invited it entirely for our daughter till she was old enough to make her own choices and she never went down that road. She is now a very contented 10-year-old who has a huge range of interests
her cousin on the other hand who is exactly the same age and had a very sparkly pink childhood is already interested in makeup, and boys and spend a lot of time thinking about what she looks like which at 10 seems a bit of a shame.

Just posting in solidarity and to say how impressed I am that you have been able to take comments on board.

When I was pregnant I was 100% vocal about not buying my daughter endless pink frilly clothes and dolls etc. I was a tomboy girl myself who hated all that and way too feminist to embrace gender stereotyping kids.

However...she loves it all doesn’t she? Dolls, princesses, you name it. Find out about it from her little chums and loves it. Yeah I buy her boys fancy dress and toy tool chest etc but...I’ve also let her have the Elsa dress now that she’s 4. She still prefers pretending to be Zog though.

For your daughter, you’ve let her watch it, it’s probably just confusing to her if she isn’t allowed the costume. Plus, in defence of the gift giver, they weren’t aiming to offend or to shower her with all frilly dresses, just a specific fancy dress outfit from a programme she knows she’s interested in. She actually thought about your daughters interests. Kind really.

I'm not keen on princess stuff either, but LO loves it all, it started early in nursery so we would have been futile to try to exclude. So we've made sure she has a range of differing toys to choose from herself.

We've also had presents we'd prefer to not have in the house, they are accepted with a smile and popped out of view. I often take to a charity shop so someone else can benefit,

@FuckOffBorisYouTwat

Not sure you quite understand causation vs correlation

OP, you've been a good sport here. Several pps really, really need to FTFT.

For some balance to the PFB thing and the assertion that everyone abandons this sort of preference with experience, I've got 4 kids aged 1 to 12, 2 girls and 2 boys. Never had a Barbie, princess dress or toy gun in the house - personal choice. Not that I need to justify the choices but, for context: I'm a child psychologist who studies children's eating disorders and body image, hence the preferences re: Barbie / princesses. DH is ex Army and very much against guns. Plenty of other kinds of toys. Relatives respected our choices.

Our kids don't seem to be psychologically damaged and we've probably saved some money over the years.

Importantly, we don't think that we 'did it better' than a family who has a house full of those things - there's nothing superior about our choices, they were just our choices and we stuck to them as they mattered to us. We're grateful for family who respected them, just as we've happily respected their preferences about what we bought their kids.

@Ponoka7

I wish people would stop feeling the need to declare their pink loving DD's have grown up to be Goth/Emo/Tomboys. It's fine to love pink from toddlerhood and still wear it as an Adult woman. It's fine to also pick dresses over jeans. A woman isn't morally superior or more intelligent because they reject what's considered feminine colours and hobbies. We are as valid as anyone, in whatever colours we wear.

You are absolutely right. Nothing wrong with pink.

My daughter hates pink now but I would love her to wear some pink clothes we've seen. But she wont and thats her choice.

When we say our children have outgrown pink as they get older we are not putting down those who still like pink, feminine products or blue for boys etc.

We are just telling OP that just because a child has either pink/blue/boy/girl toys as a baby, toddler it doesnt mean it will define them as they get older. Its good to allow a balance.

"No matter how hard parents try to encourage their dc to play with a range of toys, by the time they’re in year 1, the girls are the ones that will sit and colour in and dress up as princesses and boys will be playing with cars and Lego. I’ve been teaching this age group for over 20 years and it’s the same every year."

Oh God, that's depressing. Cultural socialisation at its finest, right? It would be an error to assume that this is in any way innate.