Relative upset when asked not to buy certain things for Dd

[Mucholoco]

Hi Everyone,

So I had a conversation with a relative a few days ago and we started talking about my dd (2y10m) as we normally do. During the conversation we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen and they said ‘oh I’m gonna buy her a frozen play dress’.

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her. We wanted her to enjoy a range of things before princess stuff entered the picture, as there is plenty of time for that.

So I said to my relative to please not get her that (because of the above) and after I said that I got a lot of passive aggressive remarks about how we were taking the fun out of everything and that they should be allowed to buy whatever they want. So I proceeded to say there was very little we say she can’t have and that I could discuss this with my husband later. Then I got comments about why do I have to run things past him... to which I replied ‘out of respect as he would do the same with me’ and after I said that I was told to drop it and forget it.

AIBU for firstly feeling annoyed that this relative has reacted this way and secondly is it unreasonable for us to ask people to not buy stuff like that until dd asks for it?

Thanks.

To be fair to the poster op, not letting a three year old dress as a character she loves is also fairly mean depending on how you look at it.

Oh for crying out loud
Get a grip op

@IEat

Can’t your dd have everything instead of you and dh deciding not to give her items based on your preference What I mean is us why can’t she have a mixture of toys dress up Cars Lego Dolls Kitchens DIY play set

My ds loved his cleaning house stuff

My dd had dolls and never played with them at home but at school it’s what she did play with ! Kids eh

@ieat

She has all those bar a dress up box... so think we will be getting a few bits to go in one of her boxes and that will be the dress up box

I’m going to guess you also don’t like ‘character clothing’?

It is rude to dictate what gifts people buy in my opinion and I think they were probably just upset that they offered to buy the dress and you dismissed it. Sorry but yabu

YABVU you don't want to thrust stuff she likes on her like a play dress from a movie she likes bit you are fine with thrusting neutrality and a serious lack of imagination and fun on her. Do you see the irony?

@justanotherneighinparadise

I’m going to guess you also don’t like ‘character clothing’?

@justanotherneighinparadise

Do you mean like costumes? I personally have never really been big into costumes for like Halloween if that’s what you mean. It’s sad that the first Halloween that my little one could have realised what was happening and could have enjoyed Halloween, we couldn’t go out trick or treating because of covid 😢

Right I’m off to go get my dinner started.

Thanks to everyone and their opinions and advice!

I hope everyone has a lovely evening.

If she isn’t permitted to dress up now ( at this typical age) when do u suggest it’ll be ok op
You need to chill & prepare for the teenage years - that’s when you’ll need your strength!

My DD absolutely loved dressing up in anything princess related at 2 -8?
Now, she as woke as they come and is an artist with a emo/goth / anime vibe at 12.

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an OP in AIBU where the poster took on board what was said to this extent. I think that makes you a mn legend OP.

Although you do realise don’t you that some people will only read the OP and will then proceed to tell you you’re being ridiculous?

We periodically have threads on here where people ask posters to confess to their worst PFB moments, and those range from posters saying about similar pre-conceived ideas, to the poster I saw once admitting that she parked outside her local a&e when she started weaning just in case her PFB had a reaction. 😂😂😂

Actually someone should start one...

Incidentally, I had a remote controlled car and a train set for Christmas amongst other things But I think somewhere along the way I had a dolls pram and one of those baby dolls which were around back then. As an adult I detest everything sparkle (well apart from diamonds, ) and I have never worn makeup in my life. My sister on the other hand was into a lot of this stuff but even though she was and still does a bit as an adult, she certainly hasn’t ever been a stereotypical girl iyswim.

laughnaff

Thanks and the last comment isn’t helpful, really doesn’t add anything and is somewhat mean.
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You did ask for an opinion op. I don’t really see what’s mean about it. I think you need to chill the feck out.

if she has a mixture of toys why not a mixture of dress up clothes starting with an Elsa dress? We had all manner of toys/dress up and I think mine are fairly well balanced but without making it a thing. Let people buy as they wish.

we started talking about how my little one loves Frozen

So the child has expressed a liking for this film, so why dictate that she can't have something that comes from the film?
I get your motivations, I'm exactly the same as a mum. But in the gentlest way, please relax a little. Otherwise you'll make life very difficult. Your DD will develop her own personality and preferences as time goes on (and these even change over time). Eg if she receives the dress as a gift, she'll either clamour to wear it, or not.

You're being silly. She already loves frozen, so she would probably love a dress. Why wait until she asks for it, if chances are she would love it? It's not being thrust upon her, it's a gift involving something she clearly likes.

Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an OP in AIBU where the poster took on board what was said to this extent. I think that makes you a mn legend OP

Totally agree!

@Laughnaff have you even read the OP's posts that preceded yours? She chilled the feck out right back on page 1. She's listened to everyone right from the start and acknowledged that she made a mistake, is going to apologise to the relative, and is going to let her buy the dress. What more do you want from her?

I haven't RTFT yet but OP I think YANBU and I have also banned a relative from buying princess dress up stuff for 2yo DD this year. This particular relative has a real agenda about "feminine" clothes and toys (only had sons herself, very conservative old fashioned gendered attitudes) and is desperate to make my dd into "a proper little girl". She bought her "more feminine clothes" as gifts when she was a baby. Says stupid things like "she likes to help me do cleaning, all little girls love cleaning!"

Have also told this relative not to say stuff in front of dd about food being "naughty" eg "I shouldn't eat garlic bread, I'll be a fat pig".

This relative needs bloody telling about her gendered nonsense and when she asked whether she should get Dd princess dress up stuff for Xmas, we said no thank you!

I've also read all the replies and thread now and good for you OP! You have taken it all in wonderfully good grace,- a rarity at best. You are NOT a bad Mother. In fact, worrying about all the little things shows how much you adore your DD. That's a pretty spectacular mother in my eyes❤️

You were pregnant not we, as in you both.

@Laughnaff

laughnaff

Thanks and the last comment isn’t helpful, really doesn’t add anything and is somewhat mean.
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You did ask for an opinion op. I don’t really see what’s mean about it. I think you need to chill the feck out.

You don’t see what’s mean about saying you “can’t stand” parents like the OP and saying “your poor daughter”?

Oh, also, it should be you’re in your first post.

How about a Disney store voucher or retailer of choice eg (george) and take your little one store or search together online and let her pick!!

Despite having an older and younger brothers DD loved all thing sparkly and princess and girly when she was small. She also loved playing with the trains and cars etc.
She’s now 12 and only wears skirts to school, rarely wears make up etc, doesn’t really do pink things anymore,goes to scouts and camps in the woods etc etc. She likes painting her nails and art and cooking and facing etc. So a good mix of stereotypical boy/girl stuff.
So her being doused in ‘girly’ stuff when she was small hasn’t turned her into a simpering barbie doll now she’s older.

I teach KS1. You might want to ask your dd why she likes Frozen. She might love Olaf. Or Sven. Or think Elsa is a good sister. Or Anna is tough. I mean, Elsa's pretty badass. She might like that.

When adults hear that a child likes a certain Disney princess film, it's straight to the sparkly dresses without asking a thing. So I do see your point, even though I'd happily hand her an Elsa dress.

I had a girl wearing a Belle dress on dress-up day who explained that she really liked Mrs Potts and Chip and that's why the film was the 'best'. She wasn't that into Belle. The dress just kinda channeled that for her.

Anyway, your dd might have some interesting opinions to share! Kids are the best.

I've now gone back and read the full thread and I think it's pretty much a pile on and not very pleasant. You've been calm and polite and lovely OP, good for you. Personally in your shoes I wouldn't be bullied by this thread into feeling I must apologise to the relative. You are a thoughtful, intelligent woman and while your kids are tiny YOU make choices for them that you believe to be for their best interests. Don't back down on the princess dress (but probably do smooth things over with the family member generally in the interests of harmony).

I'm guessing she's your first child? Hopefully you will get less precious as more arrive

Now to put some context in here the only things my husband and I had asked everyone was to not buy dd was princess dress up stuff and loads of pink stuff and we had said this ever since we were pregnant. It’s totally fine if dd asks for them when she is older as it’s her choice but we just didn’t want her to have it thrust upon her.

For one thing, there was one person pregnant and that was you. 'We were pregnant' is nonsense.

For the next thing, everything your DD owns has been 'thrust upon her'. Yes, you're her parents and you have the right to bring her up your way, but if you're going to let her watch Disney princesses why can't she dress like one? It's play. And as most Disney princesses these days are pretty strong characters then what's the problem?

And do you both really have to run such minor things past each other? Big decisions yes, but what toys she has? My DH couldn't have cared less as long as they were safe and she enjoyed playing with them.

PFB - Precious First Born