3 yo wakes for the day at 2/3 am. Fucking hate my life

[HateLife21]

DC3 has ASD. Always been a shit sleeper. Only sleeps for 6-7 hours max per night. Doesn't nap. Last few weeks has been exhausted and asleep by 7.30. Then wide awake by 2.15 am. Might go back to sleep after 6 until about 8.30. That's it. We co-sleep as they get so distressed about being alone they vomit. Tonight has been violently rocking on the bed since 3am. (Gave Calpol and milk at 2.30 in the hope they'd settle).

I can't do this anymore. I hate my life. I really resent DC. Biggest regret of my life having them.

Not sure what my AIBU is, sorry. Just can't go on.

You say if he has a nap at 5pm he won’t sleep till midnight, but would that be so bad? Sleep from 12-7?

Alternatively can you go to bed at 7pm when he does, or soon after?

I would try an antihistamine.

Is your son in nursery? If not then I'd look at sending him for two reasons - children are normally exhausted by nursery and it will give you a break, maybe to take a nap and be ready to face the early wake ups.

Instead of letting him go to bed, can one of you keep him up late playing games, jigsaws, card matching? My dad used to do this with me till about 11pm my mum went to bed 8/9pm. I would then sleep about 4/5 hours, mum would get up and dad would sleep until he needed to get up for work. Till I was about 5, my parents did this. Luckily my younger sister was a dream sleeper 12 hours every night..

As a teenager I used to sleep alternating nights in the summer, I am really effected by light levels, so decent blackout blinds in the summer help a bit....

Second getting them outside in the fresh air. Even as an adult if I don’t have enough movement in the day I am too restless to sleep.

Luckily neither of mine got up/ they just woke up loads.....now if they are up early they don’t get us up.

PP have said about Phenergan - it was my life saver when dd wouldnt sleep. Up settling her 12/15 times a night.

Only thing is the chemist look at you (well, me) like you are drugging your child when you ask for it which I was and you have to make out you are off on a long journey.

My son is autistic and we went through a few years of this, you have my sympathies

To get him asleep really properly, we do an hour of exercise like a dog walk or whatever then a shower then the melatonin. Some parents I know give a banana with the melatonin. Another mum gets cherry juice from Holland and Barrett - apparently both are effective

He doesnt have screens sugar or any colours after about 4pm and preferably none at all.

He is sleeping for seven hours at a time though despite the early wake up. I had a crap sleeper DC1, l swear that child didn't sleep for first four years of her life, but seriously was a couple of hours at a time at most. I used to sleep when she slept whenever l could. Can you not have at least a couple of early nights and sleep when he does, therefore getting six or seven hrs in a row at least some nights.

That's hard, you're doing really well. We had this with one of ours - a great shock after a good sleeper the first time around - we find the following works (most nights)

ensuring that they are really warm,
had a bath (with baby sleep/ lavender bath bubbles)
had milk and story before bed
No sugar in the afternoon
A long afternoon walk / run
pasta for dinner seemed to help avoid any waking up due to hunger. Ensuring socks are on feet or get a sleeping bag / zipped duvet to ensure the bedding is not tossed off during sleep
Following exactly the same routine every night

Things will get better. I hope you have someone sympathetic to talk too/ message/ rant at in the meantime.

Oh good. I’ve been there with my DS (also diagnosed with ASD, lower functioning with other co morbidities). Like your child, he would fall asleep fine, in his own bed, on his own after a story. All in accordance with the ‘good sleep hygiene’ advice that I’d been given from our local sleep support group (heavily over subscribed, with little understanding of children with ASD).

And then he would wake anytime between 1am and 2:30am, and be awake and very active for about three hours sometimes more. He would go back to sleep for a couple of hours around the time that I needed to get up and get ready for work.

It was hellish. It changed my personality. I had little concentration, patience and dried at the drop of a hat. I worked out that he would sometimes (not every time) settle quicker if he came into our bed, had cuddles and reassurance. And even if he didn’t settle, that also allowed me to snooze a little as he was safe. Except that I was completely uncomfortable as he would lay entirely on top of me, not just a leg or an arm on top of me, his whole body laying on top of mine. I still managed to sleep, I was that tired.

After a couple of years of this, I bought a massive bed. And that changed everything as there is space for me, DH and DC (who now just cuddles up next to me and puts a leg on me, rather than his whole body). He goes to sleep later (about 9-10pm), and comes into us at about 2ish usually. And then settles pretty quickly and sleeps until 7am. I can’t believe that we have come so far.

The memories of being at the stage you are are very clear and I really sympathise. Please go back to the paediatrician and lay it all on the line with brutal honesty - you’re at breaking point and cannot cope another day as things are.

PrincessPain, this line really resonates with me: “not sure what the answer is, but you are not alone.”

Hang in there OP. Help will find you :)

Oh god not oh good. Sorry.

In the past I also went through a time when I went to bed at the same time as the Dc. Basically adapted my sleep pattern to theirs, just to get through. Needs must.

Exercise and (controversial)- dozal- it’s an antihistamine that makes them sleep

@HateLife21 A friend in a similar situation started giving her DS a magnesium supplement and she said the difference was incredible: he slept longer and better, was calmer and more focussed in the day.

If my 3yo naps during the day he won’t sleep at night. I have to keep him awake till 9-10pm then he’ll sleep till 8am.

I've no idea if I'm offering useless advice but I've read so many good things about weighted blankets helping children with Asd sleep. Would that be worth a try?

Guidance on weighted blankets seems to be not to use if they are under 2. We use one with our dc, and it has been a game changer. Massive improvement in sleep and behaviour. Worth a go.

A sleep trainer will teach you how to deal with the kid when he/she wakes. They won’t actually teach the kid to sleep.

"I have to watch or else they will try to to take themself off for a sleep at 5ish. Obviously if I allowed this bedtime would be after midnight"

My DD would still be out walking with me at 11pm and asleep between 12.30- 1am. It's the only way I could get a block of hours during the night. I ignored the comments from the neighbours and some professionals. That was before melatonin was available. My DD co-slept until she was 10, or she didn't sleep. I'm a believer in doing what you have to, to get through it.

You totally have my sympathies. We have been there with our son. We have mostly gone past that stage but it was really really difficult.

A very strict routine was what got us through it plus dividing the night up so that both me and Dh got enough sleep to cope.

A good friend or family member could maybe help out every so often to give you a night rest. Everything seems more manageable with sleep for a while.

Sorry you're struggling op. My Dd is 6 now, from age 4 to 5 she was awake for 2hrs a night at 1:30am like clockwork. It nearly broke me, my marriage, my career. So you have my full sympathy.

Have you tried this tactic where you work out how many hours they currently sleep in a row - sounds like 7:30-2:30 so 7hrs. Then set a wake time, 6am? Go backwards from there to work out bedtime, so 11pm to sleep 7hrs and get up at 6am. Keep your dc up until then, or as near as you can. Try to do that for a few nights, as long as you can manage. No naps in the day. Then start slowly bringing bedtime forward. What's supposed to happen is the body clock is adjusted to the wake up time so stays the same, and you gradually get more sleep. This is a tactic used for dealing with insomnia in adults. It helped my Dd. Along with some emotional stuff like meditations and sleep tokens that I don't think applies here.

Could a family member/person in your bubble help out short term, just so you can gather your self a bit?

@BlackCatShadow

It's really crap when you have a non-sleeper. I know it's not great parenting but when my daughter used to do this, I just used to give her the iPad and she'd watch cartoons on it next to me while I slept.

Seems pretty smart to me tbh. At least this way there's less chance you'll be too exhausted to look after your LO!

OP, I can only sympathise.

DS went through a phase like that aged 2-3, wide awake between 2-5am.

He was still small enough to fit into high chair so that’s where he was put, given a drink of milk and sat in it until dropped off. No interaction,no toys,no stimulation.

I’d have a look at rescheduling you day including meal times and moving bed time till at least 8pm.Bath afterwards? Kids hot water bottle(we have one it’s very fluffy outside and DS loves cuddling up to it).
Temperature in the room so he’s not too cold/hot? ( our bedroom is about 16-17 degrees)

What are your outdoor surroundings? As long as you have some green area to take him to utilise some energy then take him. Even for an evening walk on a street?

PM me if you like

This might sound a ridiculous suggestion but have you tried putting them to bed SUPER early? This sounds like classic overtiredness to me. In my experience, overtired kids sleep very, very badly and will wake in the night or wake really early. Keeping them up later only makes their little bodies more exhausted, wound up and unable to rest.

When my two dropped their final naps, they were exhausted by bedtime and would sleep so badly at night. So I started putting them to bed at 5.45/6pm and it worked like a bloody dream. It meant they were tired but not full of adrenalin from being overtired and so were able to settle and rest properly. They would sleep 11, 12 sometimes 13 (!) hours.
I know it sounds counterintuitive(and admittedly I have no experience with ASD) but if your DC is getting up at 3am anyway, what have you got to lose?

We have twins with ASD who don't sleep. They are now 7 and average 2-3 hours a night sleep. Have never slept more than 4 hours.
We saw a lovely consultant from the sleep disorder team who prescribed melatonin. It helped lower the time to get to sleep from 4 hours to 2 hours but doesn't impact on the night.
He did say ours were severe enough and we had tried enough that they would consider giving sedatives but because ours have a gastro disorder and vomit through the night they wouldn't be able to clear their airways so we havent gone that way.
We have just had to accept it, we work on what we have to do to survive and what we can do to keep them occupied.
Always happy to chat. Weighted blankets can help a little x