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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset he's treating her better than he treated me?

156 replies

Magicra84 · 28/12/2020 14:56

I broke up with my ex last November. So more than a year ago. When we were together he massively lacked effort. He didn't take me on dates unless they were to free places and in the whole time we were together he only stayed at my house once despite me asking him numerous times. It was always me that had to make the effort to go and stay at his and in the morning after he would always be doing something early so I'd have to leave. His ex, the mother of his child, constantly texted and called too in mallicious way so to get in the way of our time together, so we got no time alone without interruptions.

Now he's met a new girlfriend and it's really thrown me. I am over him but still i feel really sad. I feel sad that he makes an effort to go and stay at hers loads and generally seems spends a lot of time with her. I feel it's really unfair and I want to hit out at him for the way he treated me and the lack of effort. Aibu?

OP posts:
LemonSherbetFancies · 28/12/2020 14:57

He is most likely trying to get on her good side. I suspect the mask will slip off before too long x

Bronzino · 28/12/2020 14:59

I won’t ask how you know all this... It really it doesn’t matter what he’s up to, you’ve lost nothing good here. Let him go.

Porcupineintherough · 28/12/2020 14:59

Well it's a new relationship. It may be he feels differently about her (at least at the moment), it may be that she's more demanding/less tolerant than you were, it could also be that he's learnt from previous mistakes. People do.

Ohalrightthen · 28/12/2020 15:00

...would you prefer that this poor woman was being treated like shit? It's biund to start sooner or later.

You are not being treated badly anymore. Focus on that.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 28/12/2020 15:00

It's natural to an extent to feel that way but dwelling on it won't get you anywhere. A year has passed, he might be in a different place emotionally and more ready for a serious relationship, maybe he's slightly in awe of her and showing her his best side.

It definitely isn't healthy to keeo worrying about this. He didn't treat you well, you're best shot of him, his behaviour is a reflection on him not you and it's definitely time to look forward not back.

Original poster
Magicra84 · 28/12/2020 15:01

It hurts like a stab in the heart. Massively.

OP posts:
warmandtoasty2day · 28/12/2020 15:01

how do you know what he's doing and if you are 'over him' why would you care ? i don't want to be harsh but he obviously didn't feel too much in your relationship otherwise he would have treated you better.
he might be love bombing the new gf but then will let her down, but it is nothing to do with you, you have to stop comparing and let it go.

warmandtoasty2day · 28/12/2020 15:03

@Magicra84

It hurts like a stab in the heart. Massively.
doesn't sound like you are over him tbh. how do you know what he's doing ? fb and sm block him you don't need to know.
Beamur · 28/12/2020 15:04

It's hurtful to know that he is capable of this - but not with you.
Nothing you can do about it really. Don't keep looking and comparing. Don't settle for less than you want from a relationship.
Take care of yourself and try to stop dwelling.

Ohalrightthen · 28/12/2020 15:04

@Magicra84

It hurts like a stab in the heart. Massively.
In the nicest possible way, you need to pull yourself together. It doesn't matter how he's treating her - she isn't you, and he treated you badly.

Stop doing whatever you're doing to get all this information and get over the bastard properly.

cuppycakey · 28/12/2020 15:05

I feel sad that he makes an effort to go and stay at hers loads and generally seems spends a lot of time with her.

Eh? Are you stalking him - either in person or online? Either way, stop it! It's self harming. Block him (and her) on everything and get on with your life. Instead of thinking about him, think about yourself and why you were so willing to tolerate such shoddy treatment from him. When you have established that you should feel stronger.

EagleFlight · 28/12/2020 15:06

I think you need to step back from what he is doing in his relationship. All you can see is one version and it’s causing you hurt whereas it could be he is acting exactly the same but you can’t see that.

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 28/12/2020 15:06

Maybe he has simply matured?

Fuckstickss · 28/12/2020 15:06

You weren't together long and broke up a year ago? I think you need to let it go and move on.

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 15:07

Op, it’s been over a year. Are you stalking the guy? How do you know these things?

People act differently in different relationships based on how they feel about the relationship. Everyone is not entitled to the same level of treatment. If a guys not into you and treating you well then you shouldn’t stay in it.

It’s been a long time now, you need to move on. For your own sake.

Jackblackcat · 28/12/2020 15:07

OP I know it's hard but try to let go. I left my DH in Mau - we both now have new partners, and seeing the effort he puts in with her just makes me pity her because he is fooling her the way he fooled me. The mask will slip. He will eventually stop showering, stop brushing his teeth, stop making an effort because it is so engrained in who he is.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/12/2020 15:08

Time to move on.

MaudHatter · 28/12/2020 15:13

It’s one of two reasons. He is being lovely because it’s a new relationship or he likes her more than he liked you .
He’s not worth it . Try to forget about him .

Hellzbellz25 · 28/12/2020 15:14

t the end of the day you act right for who you want to act right for, he's probably more crazy about her than he was about you, which is shit but don't torture yourself, you will find someone who treats you well one day

Imiss2019 · 28/12/2020 15:16

You need to move on and stop torturing yourself about what he’s doing. Maybe he’s putting on a false pretence and he will fall back into old ways or maybe he genuinely loves her.
Doesn’t matter as hard as it is he isnt thinking about you or comparing you with her. He’s just moving on and you need to as well. You are only hurting yourself here.

Aprilx · 28/12/2020 15:31

@Magicra84

It hurts like a stab in the heart. Massively.
Well you are not over him then, because if you were you would be indifferent. I am also not clear how you know hope much time he spends with her or visits her, but perhaps you need to close down whatever channel it is that is feeding you that information.

We all act differently with different people depending upon how we feel about them. It sounds like she is good for him, she is not better than you, but she could be someone that suits him better than you did.

mum2bin2021 · 28/12/2020 15:31

In the nicest way a stranger on the internet can put this... he's just not that into you. It happens, it hurts and it's shit.

Messaging him to ask why he treated you so badly compared to his new relationship makes you look insecure, needy and jealous. Watch some romcoms and focus your energies into making yourself happy and the best version of yourself.

autumndream · 28/12/2020 15:34

Maybe she doesn't let him get lazy, ultimately people will do what you let them get away with.

Tal45 · 28/12/2020 15:37

I guess you just got to learn from it, that a relationship is two way and if the other person isn't putting in the effort it's probably because they're not that interested. Don't be in a relationship again where you're the one making all the effort, you deserve better than that.

SpiderGwen · 28/12/2020 15:44

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP. Don't compare his relationship with her to his lousy relationship with you that ended over a year ago.

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