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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset he's treating her better than he treated me?

156 replies

Magicra84 · 28/12/2020 14:56

I broke up with my ex last November. So more than a year ago. When we were together he massively lacked effort. He didn't take me on dates unless they were to free places and in the whole time we were together he only stayed at my house once despite me asking him numerous times. It was always me that had to make the effort to go and stay at his and in the morning after he would always be doing something early so I'd have to leave. His ex, the mother of his child, constantly texted and called too in mallicious way so to get in the way of our time together, so we got no time alone without interruptions.

Now he's met a new girlfriend and it's really thrown me. I am over him but still i feel really sad. I feel sad that he makes an effort to go and stay at hers loads and generally seems spends a lot of time with her. I feel it's really unfair and I want to hit out at him for the way he treated me and the lack of effort. Aibu?

OP posts:

Leannethom85 · 28/12/2020 17:41

You were probably the stop guard to get over his relationship with his ex, he used you to make himself feel better with no regards to how you felt, he's wicked and believe me you are best shot of him, his mask will slip and she's lumbered with him, then he will come back to you via text, the good old backup until something better comes along and hopefully you'll ignore.. These types of men have 2 kinds of woman the ones they like and the backups.. They'll never be happy, they may pretend to be but never are. You're best out of it, and yes be angry he's a tosser for what he done

SparkleClaws · 28/12/2020 17:46

Chemistry? Timing? Circumstances?

My dh had an awful relationship before me. They had children together so were involved for 21 years (after splitting)and could never be civil to each other. She has had successful relationships since and he is with me for nearly 30 years so neither was "broken" or unworkable with but they, together, were disasterous. He and I definitely needed to work to get to this point so it's possible that if the desire had been there maybe they could have too. Unfortunately for them and their children they never got to that point.

And I really think that's how simple it is. There are so many small details needed for a relationship to work, that all it takes is one unit to be lacking at the wrong time and it's game over.

Don't waste your energy agonising over what you might have done differently, it wasn't right for you at that time. And dont believe their relationship is all roses, I may be alone in this but I believe no one has a smooth sailing in love. I am married to a wonderful man and it has been a slog at times, on both sides, but unless you were a close friend you would not know this.

slashlover · 28/12/2020 17:52

These types of men have 2 kinds of woman the ones they like and the backups..

To be fair, OP posted three different threads over the summer about being in love with a gay guy and how she would have married him immediately if he'd been at all interested. Then she posted in the middle of that about the ex in the OP and how they were thinking about getting back together until his ex popped up.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 28/12/2020 18:00

@Wheresmykimchi I agree Lauren is a beautifulbut clearly vulnerable woman who doesn’t need cosmetic surgery,implants. She needs to value herself and stop obsessing about mark wright.

Wheresmykimchi · 28/12/2020 18:07

Can we stop bringing up oPS threads? Not really in the spirit .

BertramLacey · 28/12/2020 18:09

The new gf doesn't bother me it's just that I wonder why she is so much more special than me that he goes up to see her and stay over. He couldn't do that for me.

She isn't more special, it's just they get on better, for the moment at least. OP my last 3 boyfriends all got married to the woman they dated immediately after me. I felt like I should offer some sort of 'cure your commitment phobia' service. Date me for a few months and Boom, you'll love the next one. It wasn't a reflection on me, although it really blinking felt like it. We just weren't right for each other.

I'm now with someone who is great for me. I know an ex of his and know that he is different with me - that's not a reflection on any of the three of us. It's just that he and I are well-suited and she and him found out they weren't so great together.

Do please work on your self esteem. You deserve better than this.

Emeraldshamrock · 28/12/2020 18:14

As terrible as it is people know how they can get away with things with others.
She probably set the bar higher or maybe he'll slip into old habits.
Work on your confidence in our next relationship set your expectations higher.
Forget him block him remember he is still the same person.

CelestrialWarrior · 28/12/2020 18:17

Clearly your not over him and that's your issue right there.

HollyGenneroMcClane · 28/12/2020 18:19

he treated me so poorly and that he couldn't ever seen to be bothered to do anything for me.
Why would you stay with someone who treated you so poorly and put no effort in?

I know this all not because of social media, but because he told me about his new gf at a time when I was really struggling too.
So block him and avoid all contact.

You need to look at your boundaries and examine what makes a good relationship before dating again.

Hangingover · 28/12/2020 18:20

I remember after I broke up with my ex who "couldn't" cook (and refused to eat anything but completely plain meat and vegetables), do housework or leave the house for anything other than work because he was so lazy and scathing about hobbies/interests...

Within a month of being alone he'd got a Hello Fresh subscription and was making curries and had taken up salsa dancing. Fucking salsa dancing, the giant bastard.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2020 18:21

Listen carefully. He does not love you. He never will.

This new relationship may or may not last. But the fact remains that you'll only ever be 'Ms Right Now' as he continues his search for his true 'Ms Right'.

You need counseling badly. No one should value themself so low. You are a good person who deserves someone who will value you for who you are. He never will.

Wheresmykimchi · 28/12/2020 18:25

@Hangingover

Within a month of being alone he'd got a Hello Fresh subscription and was making curries and had taken up salsa dancing. Fucking salsa dancing, the giant bastard.

I have an image of him salsa dancing and making curry at the same time

Frankola · 28/12/2020 18:27

How on earth do you know all this?!

Stop stalking him and move on. He hardly sounds like a guy to be upset over losing.

Hangingover · 28/12/2020 18:29

I have an image of him salsa dancing and making curry at the same time

Stupid multitasking giant bastard.

Cam2020 · 28/12/2020 18:30

What do you want to hear? There are several possibilities:

He's still trying to worm his way in with her/impress her
what you see on SM is not the full picture
he just wasn't that into you 4)he learned from previous mistakes in relationships

None of those things change how he treated you though. Time to cut whatever contact it is you have to know what he's doing now and move on with your life.

Wheresmykimchi · 28/12/2020 18:30

@Hangingover

I have an image of him salsa dancing and making curry at the same time

Stupid multitasking giant bastard.

Mine also started a new ridiculous hobby and has no idea how glad I am he started his ridiculous hobby so everytime I missed him I looked it up and remembered...

slashlover · 28/12/2020 18:31

@Wheresmykimchi

Can we stop bringing up oPS threads? Not really in the spirit .

It's relevant when OP has posted about this guy several times and has been told the same thing every time.

Also, people are asking how OP knows, she's trying to maintain a friendship with him even though he is STILL treating her terribly.

Wheresmykimchi · 28/12/2020 18:36

Sorry slashlover, didn't see it was you old buddy old pal!

Just feel a bit sorry for her.

LilMidge01 · 28/12/2020 19:06

Ignore all the people saying you're not over him....how do they know? I think you can be over smoeone but still be hurt when you see them treating someone better not because you love them or want them, but because it makes you feel like you were worth less and it hits your self esteem... I can understand that.

Just remember though, you are not worth less than this other woman. He just didn't treat you as he should have. We won;t ever know his reasons, maybe you both weren't right for each other. Unfortunately, you do just have to get over this, but it doesn;t stop it hurting. It's fine to acknowledge that. And please don't let it affect your self esteem or how oyou think you deserve to be treated.. because you deserve to be treated with respect from a loving partner.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2020 19:07

You have been posting about various men in your life (friends, exes and dates) for many months now, with a common theme on most threads being you being far more invested in them to the point of obsession / inappropriate intensity.

You need to get some help with this because it's become clear you are unable to manage those feelings or put in place coping mechanisms yourself.

Something is creating real issues around your dynamic with males and if you don't get some proper support from qualified people, how are you going to change that?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life obsessing over interactions with people who don't feel anywhere nearly as strongly about you as you do about them?

In some cases they have shown a total lack of regard for you, in some cases contempt. You should want more for yourself than that and not tolerate it. I appreciate that's easy to say and not to do if you aren't used to it but you're currently making yourself quite poorly and I don't know if you recognise how unhealthy and problematic your behaviour is.

So, what's the plan? What can you actively do to start working on this? Can you call your GP to ask to be referred for some counselling support? The waiting list is long but the sooner you're added the sooner you'll be seen.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/12/2020 19:23

@Magicra84

Thanks for your replies. I'm really struggling with self confidence and depression at the moment so this may cloud my view of the situation but I feel really dismayed he treated me so poorly and that he couldn't ever seen to be bothered to do anything for me. Everything seemed to be on his terms. I know this all not because of social media, but because he told me about his new gf at a time when I was really struggling too. The new gf doesn't bother me it's just that I wonder why she is so much more special than me that he goes up to see her and stay over. He couldn't do that for me.

It sounds like he wasn’t that in to you but you were okay running around after him so it worked for a while for him. Doesn’t make him a shining star but it isn’t really abusive. From what you’ve written the issue is that you continued with a relationship that wasn’t meeting your needs and you’re blaming him for that. You stayed with him when he was pretty clear about where you stood on his priority list. It’s telling that you seem most upset about this because someone else is treated better than you - as though it would have been fine that he was awful to you so long as he was awful to everyone. That’s a pretty screwed up attitude in that it doesn’t value you, it only values your position in someone else’s league table. He wasn’t that into you and you should have dumped him when that became obvious. If your self-confidence is low (and especially if you have had a series of partners who haven’t treated you that well) I suggest counselling and swearing off relationships for a year or two, at least until you can learn to like yourself more and feel confident putting your needs first.

Wheresmykimchi · 28/12/2020 19:25

BoomBoom, such an interesting point about it's OK if he's awful to everyone.

Porcupineintherough · 28/12/2020 19:48

@LilMidge01 good post

Original poster

Magicra84 · 28/12/2020 21:01

He used to come on days out and be so tired from drinking the night before and get really snap at me. That's if he didn't cancel. Every time he would be due to come to my house he cancelled, apart from one time he was so rat arsed after we'd been to see friends he refused to get off the bus at his house because he didn't like the walk home by himself. That one night he came he was so drunk he couldn't string a sentence together. He's spending so much time with her, yet spending time with me was a chore. He always had a go and me and was short tempered with me. It's so unfair but I have to move on from this, I know.

OP posts:

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 28/12/2020 21:03

He clearly has moved on, you must do so too

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