Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset he's treating her better than he treated me?

156 replies

Magicra84 · 28/12/2020 14:56

I broke up with my ex last November. So more than a year ago. When we were together he massively lacked effort. He didn't take me on dates unless they were to free places and in the whole time we were together he only stayed at my house once despite me asking him numerous times. It was always me that had to make the effort to go and stay at his and in the morning after he would always be doing something early so I'd have to leave. His ex, the mother of his child, constantly texted and called too in mallicious way so to get in the way of our time together, so we got no time alone without interruptions.

Now he's met a new girlfriend and it's really thrown me. I am over him but still i feel really sad. I feel sad that he makes an effort to go and stay at hers loads and generally seems spends a lot of time with her. I feel it's really unfair and I want to hit out at him for the way he treated me and the lack of effort. Aibu?

OP posts:
LemonSherbetFancies · 29/12/2020 11:48

And you think he has magically changed in that time frame? Highly unlikely.

Jackabobbo · 29/12/2020 11:52

I was broken up with about a month ago and while our relationship didn't have huge issues in that kind of way and distance was the main factor, I've still tried to work on improving myself and my life because I was/am so hurt about the breakup. It's given me something else to focus on in between the moping and crying! Perhaps this is true for him too, especially if you're the one who ended things. He may have done some soul searching and realised he needed to change things about himself. Or it could just be an act that won't last.

Either way, you don't sound like you're over him - and I understand that because I'm not over mine either, but as you're getting so hurt by this I think you need to try and reduce any contact you have with him for your own sake. Maybe work on some self improvement of yourself too.

lcdododo · 29/12/2020 12:17

Wow your previous threads are enlightening

OP, see a medical professional before you engage with any more men

jelly79 · 29/12/2020 12:35

OP it's ok to be upset and frustrated by the way you have been treated but it sounds like you are enjoying the pity or sympathy because you keep throwing in further examples of why this guy was awful to you for additional (attention) comments.

Love yourself. Know your boundaries. Block this guy.

Don't wish that he will 'show his true colours'

BertramLacey · 29/12/2020 12:47

And you think he has magically changed in that time frame? Highly unlikely.

I don't think anyone changes by magic. I do think there is a chance he could have changed over the course of a year, through circumstances and if he has tried to change. However, I don't think it's relevant to the OP. I was just picking up on a factual error. The break up was over a year ago, not a couple of months ago.

LemonSherbetFancies · 29/12/2020 13:03

A leopard never changes his spots. A person can pretend they are good and kind for years but eventually the mask slips and people catch on.

OP, be kind to yourself. You deserve it x

Bluntness100 · 29/12/2020 13:42

I’m surprised by some of these comments. Surely everyone has been seeing someone at some point where they are not totally into it? It doesn’t mean because he was not wishing to have a proper relationship with the op, just a casual sexual thing, that yhats all he ever wants with someone.

Now she’s waiting to see if he will do it to this woman. When it’s already totally different. Who knows if they will work out. It’s irrelevant. What’s relevant is the op needs to focus on herself. Get herself into a healthy mindsoace. Accept he didn’t feel that way about her. And that wasn’t about her, simply two people don’t always click equally. If they did, we’d all be marrying our first partner.

Wheresmykimchi · 29/12/2020 13:46

@Bluntness100

I’m surprised by some of these comments. Surely everyone has been seeing someone at some point where they are not totally into it? It doesn’t mean because he was not wishing to have a proper relationship with the op, just a casual sexual thing, that yhats all he ever wants with someone.

Now she’s waiting to see if he will do it to this woman. When it’s already totally different. Who knows if they will work out. It’s irrelevant. What’s relevant is the op needs to focus on herself. Get herself into a healthy mindsoace. Accept he didn’t feel that way about her. And that wasn’t about her, simply two people don’t always click equally. If they did, we’d all be marrying our first partner.

I think people are trying every tactic at this stage to make her see sense.
MariaK91 · 29/12/2020 14:08

You guys broke up over a year ago, if you hit out at him you will literally become the crazy ex. Really at this point why do you care? A year is a long time, he could have matured a bit in that period. I'm guessing you stalk his social media a lot to know all of this? Just wipe the slate clean, delete him and move on.

Original poster
Magicra84 · 01/01/2021 12:23

I know about his new gf because he told me. I also know when he's staying at hers because his curtains are drawn and he lives nearme. I've been the psycho ex texting him just asking why he didn't make that effort fot me. I'm such a knob.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 01/01/2021 12:36

@Magicra84

I know about his new gf because he told me. I also know when he's staying at hers because his curtains are drawn and he lives nearme. I've been the psycho ex texting him just asking why he didn't make that effort fot me. I'm such a knob.
His curtains are drawn?! Op. Stop.
SpiderGwen · 01/01/2021 13:02

Oh mate, just stop it. It's pitiful.

Wheresmykimchi · 01/01/2021 13:05

Dare I ask when he told you this OP?

WildfirePonie · 01/01/2021 13:21

Maybe the girlfriend is loaded and he's just working his way into cock lodger status.

Either way, you need to forget about him and move on. He sounds like an idiot, be glad that you don't have to put up with him anymore!

Original poster
Magicra84 · 01/01/2021 13:25

I don't know if I'm like this because I never had my dad around growing up. I don't know but I'm so embarrassed by my texts to him. I just couldn't help myself at the time. I hope he doesn't show his gf and have a good laugh about me. He's not really that sort of person though. Even though he treated me very poorly, I can't seem to help myself. If I could turn back time now and not send the texts I would.

OP posts:
D4rwin · 01/01/2021 13:25

He was no good for you, but clearly he's learned a lesson that he has to raise his game. You were perhaps good for his growth? Perhaps she communicates her expectation well and you could improve yours? Perhaps your personalities just don't mesh well?

Original poster
Magicra84 · 01/01/2021 13:26

@wheresmykimchi just before Christmas when I was feeling very low.

OP posts:
D4rwin · 01/01/2021 13:26

Either way, don't look back except to avoid repeating mistakes.

Original poster
Magicra84 · 01/01/2021 13:28

I told him my expectations very clearly when we were together which he seemed to dislike. The ex was a massive bone of contention.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magicra84 · 01/01/2021 13:30

I just feel like a massive dick for sending him the texts.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 01/01/2021 13:34

@Magicra84

I just feel like a massive dick for sending him the texts.
It's done now. Lesson learned , but you have to stop this.
Treemama · 01/01/2021 13:38

@Magicra84

I just feel like a massive dick for sending him the texts.
Remember this next time you feel the urge to text him.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2021 16:16

You look at his curtains?!

You message him even though he makes it painfully clear he doesn't want a relationship with you?!

Your behaviour clearly going to escalate to stalking and harassment.

If a woman posted here saying her ex was checking whether her blinds were closed everyone would quite rightly say she was well within her rights to feel scared because it is the behaviour of someone with no boundaries who has lost touch with reality to an extent.

You repeatedly aren't listening to the advice people are giving you. You aren't ready to change.

You are going to ruin your life and / or waste your best years chasing a man who doesn't give a fuck about you.

Come on now, time do something urgent to actually make some serious changes in your life.

Wheresmykimchi · 01/01/2021 16:18

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You look at his curtains?!

You message him even though he makes it painfully clear he doesn't want a relationship with you?!

Your behaviour clearly going to escalate to stalking and harassment.

If a woman posted here saying her ex was checking whether her blinds were closed everyone would quite rightly say she was well within her rights to feel scared because it is the behaviour of someone with no boundaries who has lost touch with reality to an extent.

You repeatedly aren't listening to the advice people are giving you. You aren't ready to change.

You are going to ruin your life and / or waste your best years chasing a man who doesn't give a fuck about you.

Come on now, time do something urgent to actually make some serious changes in your life.

This is so true OP.
Porcupineintherough · 01/01/2021 16:21

You can help yourself right now OP. Take your phone out, delete his contacts. Same on your computer. Unfriendly on social media. Do it now, today.