To be upset he's treating her better than he treated me?

[Magicra84]

I broke up with my ex last November. So more than a year ago. When we were together he massively lacked effort. He didn't take me on dates unless they were to free places and in the whole time we were together he only stayed at my house once despite me asking him numerous times. It was always me that had to make the effort to go and stay at his and in the morning after he would always be doing something early so I'd have to leave. His ex, the mother of his child, constantly texted and called too in mallicious way so to get in the way of our time together, so we got no time alone without interruptions.

Now he's met a new girlfriend and it's really thrown me. I am over him but still i feel really sad. I feel sad that he makes an effort to go and stay at hers loads and generally seems spends a lot of time with her. I feel it's really unfair and I want to hit out at him for the way he treated me and the lack of effort. Aibu?

OP you still haven't explaind how you know anything about what he's doing. How do you know he isn't still like this to her?

I don't know why I'm engaging this though, You have to stop obsessing and move on.

Op, I think it’s time to be straight here, for yout own sake

He is spending time with her because she’s his girlfriend. You were not his girlfriend, I’m sorry, it was a casual sexual relationship. That’s why he didn’t come to your house, go on proper dates, and wanted you to leave in the morning.

You need to stop stalking them now and move on. The fact you weren’t his girlfriend is not about her being better than you. She is simply different snd they are more compatible together. You will be more compatible with someone else. It was never going to be him. There will be someone for you. You need to accept that and move on now.💐

It sounds to me like you've had a lucky escape. That he only went to your's once in all of your relationship speaks volumes.
But, you're still fixated on what he's doing now.
Leave him be. Block him. Move on.

He doesn't sound abusive just a shitty boyfriend and maybe he's just grown up? That does happen, maybe he's learned that he has to give in a relationship and maybe you need to learn about boundaries and self preservation.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You have been posting about various men in your life (friends, exes and dates) for many months now, with a common theme on most threads being you being far more invested in them to the point of obsession / inappropriate intensity.

You need to get some help with this because it's become clear you are unable to manage those feelings or put in place coping mechanisms yourself.

Something is creating real issues around your dynamic with males and if you don't get some proper support from qualified people, how are you going to change that?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life obsessing over interactions with people who don't feel anywhere nearly as strongly about you as you do about them?

In some cases they have shown a total lack of regard for you, in some cases contempt. You should want more for yourself than that and not tolerate it. I appreciate that's easy to say and not to do if you aren't used to it but you're currently making yourself quite poorly and I don't know if you recognise how unhealthy and problematic your behaviour is.

So, what's the plan? What can you actively do to start working on this? Can you call your GP to ask to be referred for some counselling support? The waiting list is long but the sooner you're added the sooner you'll be seen.

Did none of this feel relevant to you OP? You've no obligation to reply to anyone of course but I've attempted to help on a few of your threads and you don't seem interested in actually moving on from each situation and I think it's such a shame as it could really improve your quality of life to spend some time working through the underlying issues that are perpetuating this dynamic of unhealthy connections with men, whether friends / exes or dates.

With all due respect you need to put it behind you. He sounds awful, and you're better off without him. It sounds like you don't have kids with him, so what the hell does it matter to you? You don't need to see him again.

However you're clearly digging up info on him from somewhere. Just stop it.

He wasn't in to you but he is into her
Harsh but true
The fact you know or have gone to the trouble of finding out what he is up is a bit tragic
Sorry you are hurting , pull on your big girl pants and move on honey
Leave him well alone

@mum2bin2021

In the nicest way a stranger on the internet can put this... he's just not that into you. It happens, it hurts and it's shit.

Messaging him to ask why he treated you so badly compared to his new relationship makes you look insecure, needy and jealous. Watch some romcoms and focus your energies into making yourself happy and the best version of yourself.

@mum2bin2021 nailed it, I think

Leopards never really change their spots. They just cover them up for a bit.

Does make me laugh when people say 'Maybe he grew up and learnt the error of his ways.' Its been a couple of months, not entirely possible is it?
OP, I have been where you are. The stalking of social media profiles, the rage and upset at seeing how blissful they are, the 'How can she not see through him?" All it did was cause me pain where as he felt nothing. We have all been there but there is a way through. I am incredibly happy with my DP now and one day you will meet someone special as well.
This waste of space will do the same to this girl or someone else. As another poster said, leopards don't change their spots but please don't wait around for this. It will be your downfall and will drive you insane. Trust me I know.

Why are you torturing yourself over this? It will only affect your self-esteem. According to another thread, you're seeing someone new so focus on that and stop obsessing about your ex. Let it go.

Thanks for your replies. I found out about his new girlfriend because he told me. As I said before, it's not the fact he has a new girlfriend but the fact he's clearly making the effort for her when he didn't seem to give a shit about me. I hope some of you are right that it's only a matter of time before his true colours come shining through. We spent a lot of time together as friends this past few months and he seems to totally have cast me aside for his new relationship. The way he treated me, I shouldn't be bothered but it hurts. I am seeing someone new, although it's still early days so I'll try and focus on that.

Why are you still seeing him and acting like friends when you posted about him treating you like shit in November? People told you to back away then. Block him on everything and stop seeing him.

Sounds like your relationship with this man has always been unhealthy OP. He is not your friend and now that he is loved up with his new girlfriend he has no place for you in his life.

It's time to cut him adrift, he will bring you nothing but more pain.

How do you know all this? Stop checking up on him. It's not like you want him back, is it - so it doesn't matter how he's treating her. Anyway, it's still early days - the ex is still around - maybe she still has it all to come

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You have been posting about various men in your life (friends, exes and dates) for many months now, with a common theme on most threads being you being far more invested in them to the point of obsession / inappropriate intensity.

You need to get some help with this because it's become clear you are unable to manage those feelings or put in place coping mechanisms yourself.

Something is creating real issues around your dynamic with males and if you don't get some proper support from qualified people, how are you going to change that?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life obsessing over interactions with people who don't feel anywhere nearly as strongly about you as you do about them?

In some cases they have shown a total lack of regard for you, in some cases contempt. You should want more for yourself than that and not tolerate it. I appreciate that's easy to say and not to do if you aren't used to it but you're currently making yourself quite poorly and I don't know if you recognise how unhealthy and problematic your behaviour is.

So, what's the plan? What can you actively do to start working on this? Can you call your GP to ask to be referred for some counselling support? The waiting list is long but the sooner you're added the sooner you'll be seen.

Please read this several times and think hard about what it says, OP.

While you're waiting for your counselling referral OP why don't you block him and also the woman he's seeing if you're looking at her accounts too? It will make a world of difference to your mental health while you are waiting for support from mental health professionals.

He probably likes her a lot more. Use it as an example of what you can have for yourself when you move on.

How do you really know how he treats Her?
People rarely know what goes on in a relationship only what they choose to share.

@Magicra84

Thanks for your replies. I found out about his new girlfriend because he told me. As I said before, it's not the fact he has a new girlfriend but the fact he's clearly making the effort for her when he didn't seem to give a shit about me. I hope some of you are right that it's only a matter of time before his true colours come shining through. We spent a lot of time together as friends this past few months and he seems to totally have cast me aside for his new relationship. The way he treated me, I shouldn't be bothered but it hurts. I am seeing someone new, although it's still early days so I'll try and focus on that.

You need to see a counselor and get your head on straight. You have an unhealthy attachment to a man who doesn't give a fig about you at the same time you're 'seeing someone new'. And now you're going to 'focus' on Mr New to get Mr Ex out of your head? There is so much wrong with both of these 'relationships' and you just don't seem to see that.

The very last thing you need to be doing is starting a new relationship. You need to learn to be happy ON YOUR OWN before you can be in a healthy relationship with someone else.

Been in a similar place. I get it, I really do 8 years of my life down the drain, pussyfooting around his "quirks" and "can't do thats." Along comes little miss new knickers and suddenly he's doing all the things he couldn't/wouldn't before. It makes you feel like you, and your time together, was less than nothing.

"Friends" does not work if you can get this upset a year later - it's clinging onto the last vestiges of what was a relationship (albeit not a great one by the sounds of it) out of fear, desperation, lack of self-esteem, misplaced hope he'll realise he's made a mistake and shouldn't have let you go. Or it's holding on tightly to the only bit of him you're still allowed, as that seems better than nothing.

Trust me, it's not. You are far, far better off without his presence in your life, haunting you and any future relationships.

You should not be getting upset, you should be getting ANGRY. Angry that you were used. Angry that you accepted it. Angry that he is insensitive in how he talks to you/treats you when gf is on the scene. Angry he didn't make the effort with you. Angry that he still has the power to make you this upset. And angry at yourself for letting him stay important enough that it matters.

Take back the power you gave him. He doesn't deserve it. And once you can actually get to a place of saying "you have no power over me" and mean it, you will be in a much better place.

Anger helps, honestly.

PS - in no way am I suggesting acting on anger, trying to get revenge in any way. Please don't do that!

He wasn't in to you. He treated you like a booty call.

You deserve someone who loves you, for you. Who wants to be with you and who you can respect and not have to beg for attention.

You will never see where you are going by looking in the rear view

I am seeing someone new, although it's still early days so I'll try and focus on that.

Please, please just focus on being single for a while.

You post frequently and intensely about men in your life, from boyfriends and exes to friends, to the extent that until you've gone to therapy - and worked through your issues around your dynamics with men - it's really unhealthy for you to be dating.

You're on the waiting list now and you have the rest of your life to meet people. It's worth waiting until you've put in the work required to get your headspace healthy before dating.

And I would also be taking a step back from the friends you've posted about who I think are exes / men you've had complicated relationships with or unequal ones where you're clearly more invested than they are.

Have a man free life until you've at least tried to work through your issues with men.

Does make me laugh when people say 'Maybe he grew up and learnt the error of his ways.' Its been a couple of months, not entirely possible is it?

It's been over a year since the broke up - second sentence in the OP.