To be upset he's treating her better than he treated me?

[Magicra84]

I broke up with my ex last November. So more than a year ago. When we were together he massively lacked effort. He didn't take me on dates unless they were to free places and in the whole time we were together he only stayed at my house once despite me asking him numerous times. It was always me that had to make the effort to go and stay at his and in the morning after he would always be doing something early so I'd have to leave. His ex, the mother of his child, constantly texted and called too in mallicious way so to get in the way of our time together, so we got no time alone without interruptions.

Now he's met a new girlfriend and it's really thrown me. I am over him but still i feel really sad. I feel sad that he makes an effort to go and stay at hers loads and generally seems spends a lot of time with her. I feel it's really unfair and I want to hit out at him for the way he treated me and the lack of effort. Aibu?

OP, your posting history is all about men you're overinvested in.

The gay mate, the ex. Stop emotionally investing in unavailable men. You're only damaging yourself.

[quote oakleaffy]@Magicra84
They are in the romance phase.

It may be he is into her a lot at the moment, but if he is at all narcissistic, he will be love bombing, then when he gets bored he will begin to devalue her.
Chap on you tube called “
Tudor” does a lot about narcissistic partners..

Have a listen, you haven’t missed out. 🙂[/quote]
I hate all this diagnosing everyone as a narc. There is nothing to suggest this man is.

People are allowed to grow and change. It's been a weird year, maybe quarantine showed him that he does want a closer relationship with someone. Maybe they just 'fit together' better as a couple. None of that is a reflection on you, he just wasn't the one for you that is all.

@Meowchickameowmeow
OP's user name rang a bell - I've been here a few years and you start hearing the same thing over again no offense intended in my response

You need to block him (and her) to let your heart heal. If you have mutual friends ask them to not talk about him.

I will say though that if you’re seeing this on social media then everything is not what it seems to be on there, people only show a tiny fraction, and often the best part of their lives.

My Nana has always said to me that just because someone refuses to do something doesn’t mean they’re incapable, it just means they didn’t want to do it for you. Be glad you escaped him because clearly he didn’t want to put that effort in.

You weren't compatible and he is now with someone he has a better connection with. He's moved on and you should do the same

How do you know any of this? Block him everywhere and move on.

Thanks for your replies. I'm really struggling with self confidence and depression at the moment so this may cloud my view of the situation but I feel really dismayed he treated me so poorly and that he couldn't ever seen to be bothered to do anything for me. Everything seemed to be on his terms. I know this all not because of social media, but because he told me about his new gf at a time when I was really struggling too. The new gf doesn't bother me it's just that I wonder why she is so much more special than me that he goes up to see her and stay over. He couldn't do that for me.

Stop being the bulgy eyed girlfriend and move on.Don’t be Lauren obsessing about Mark

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Stop being the bulgy eyed girlfriend and move on.Don’t be Lauren obsessing about Mark

Nearly wet myself, laughing at this comment! True

Move on, you clearly haven’t yet. I find you get what you expect from a partner (unless they’re a narcissist) and you did accept his behaviour. You need to up your standards.

@autumndream

Maybe she doesn't let him get lazy, ultimately people will do what you let them get away with.

Nice bit of victim blaming mentality there.

OP, however you are accessing this information, you need to stop. You are torturing yourself. There are 100 reasons why he is doing this and not many have anything to do with you or your worth. I get it, we've all been there despite PP wide eyed that anyone would feel like this, and it will get better. But you have to remove yourself.

I'm sure my exs partner thinks he is amazing lol but she's either lying or he's changed either way I dont care anymore

She has what he wants... maybe more financially attractive ..she'll likely dump him soon OP..

It's not victim blaming @Wheresmykimchi. The OP should have dumped his sorry arse far sooner. You cant make someone pay you attention but you dont have to stay in an unsatisfactory relationship.

OP please dont judge your worth based on the behaviour of this bloke or your relationship with him.

This isn’t healthy. Do you have any friends you could have a chat with?

@Porcupineintherough

It's not victim blaming *@Wheresmykimchi. The OP* should have dumped his sorry arse far sooner. You cant make someone pay you attention but you dont have to stay in an unsatisfactory relationship.

OP please dont judge your worth based on the behaviour of this bloke or your relationship with him.

No I get that, but there's an implication there that she deserves his behaviour for staying. You aren't the only person in life to say that but I hate that sentiment in general.

Op, different people gel together in different ways. I’m sure you’ve been with guys in the past where it’s not worked out and you’ve preferred someone else more. You know it’s not about the guy you didn’t gel with, it is just different people have different relationships.

It’s not she is more “special” than you. It is simply as a couple they are different, like every couple is. That’s how it works. Think of your friendships.

I would focus on getting well again, stop focusing on their relationship. It’s not doing you any favours and will continue to just damage you further.

You need to delete block on everything both of them and any people you use to know that know him that you’re not friends with
You’ll drive yourself crazy with the if onlys
Revenge in this case is not a good idea
Don’t reach out to either of them
Move on for your own health

I'm sure you are annoyed at yourself that you didn't dump him when he made absolutely no effort. I'm sure you knew he was capable of it but just didn't think you were worth it. He's showing this now. Just work on upping your self esteem and boundaries so you don't put up with a man who makes no effort again.

Like hell he has changed for the better in a year. I don't agree with that at all.
Believe me OP, it will come. My friend got cheated on and she had a 3 year old at the time with this man. He met someone a year on, got engaged about 10 months later and it was all very 'perfect.'. 8 years on, his new wife cheated on him and had secretly been unhappy for years.
But my darling, do not wait around for something bad to happen as it won't make him change his ways towards you and you deserve better. I have been where you are and it really hurts but I realised I was wasting so much energy on someone who was not giving me a single thought. Quite simply, you deserve better.

Well, I find it mildly irritating that my exH seems to make slightly more effort with his new wife and children than he did with me and mine.

But to be honest, I'm just pleased not to be with him. Silk purse, sows ear and all that.

He'll still be selfish underneath.

As hurtful as it is, his shitty laziness is nothing more than a sign of your incompatibility as a couple and is certainly no reflection upon you as a person. It’s nothing to do with her being more special than you or being worth any more. It’s just a sign that their relationship dynamic is a different one for whatever reason. Maybe he’s matured, maybe he’s learned his lesson, maybe she didn’t tolerate a lack of effort from day one, maybe they have things in common that mean he’s more inclined to go out and do them with her. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t change the fact that he wasn’t your best match so making it some sort of a competition where she wins over you because she’s worthier of his time isn’t the way to look at this. Sometimes two people are just more compatible - same as you are clearly going to be more compatible with a different person. It’s normal to be hurt by somebody that seems to be a useless lazy bastard making all the effort with someone else but I’d focus more on how you’re now free to meet someone who isn’t boring and idle when you’re together!

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Stop being the bulgy eyed girlfriend and move on.Don’t be Lauren obsessing about Mark

Oh god. I k now I was watching some old TOWIE the other day and what a beautiful funny quirky girl she was. What a shame.

@Magicra84

Thanks for your replies. I'm really struggling with self confidence and depression at the moment so this may cloud my view of the situation but I feel really dismayed he treated me so poorly and that he couldn't ever seen to be bothered to do anything for me. Everything seemed to be on his terms. I know this all not because of social media, but because he told me about his new gf at a time when I was really struggling too. The new gf doesn't bother me it's just that I wonder why she is so much more special than me that he goes up to see her and stay over. He couldn't do that for me.

It may just be that they're more compatible. It doesn't mean she's more special than you, just that they relate to each other differently and she may be a better fit for him.

Step away. You've posted before that you think this guy is a friend and you see him almost every day, this isn't healthy for you at the moment. You need to cut ties with him completely.