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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset he's treating her better than he treated me?

156 replies

Magicra84 · 28/12/2020 14:56

I broke up with my ex last November. So more than a year ago. When we were together he massively lacked effort. He didn't take me on dates unless they were to free places and in the whole time we were together he only stayed at my house once despite me asking him numerous times. It was always me that had to make the effort to go and stay at his and in the morning after he would always be doing something early so I'd have to leave. His ex, the mother of his child, constantly texted and called too in mallicious way so to get in the way of our time together, so we got no time alone without interruptions.

Now he's met a new girlfriend and it's really thrown me. I am over him but still i feel really sad. I feel sad that he makes an effort to go and stay at hers loads and generally seems spends a lot of time with her. I feel it's really unfair and I want to hit out at him for the way he treated me and the lack of effort. Aibu?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2020 15:50

You should be thinking about why you allowed this man to treat you so poorly and why you put up with it.

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2020 15:52

You finished over a year ago.
Maybe he has changed, maybe he hasn't.

Why are you still bothered after so long? Focus on yourself and your future and not the past.

DfEisashambles · 28/12/2020 15:54

I think it’s one thing to be over him and another to be hurt at the way he’s treating new gf.

Remember he’s putting his best food forward and people don’t change overnight. If he has matured he’ll be aware of how badly he treated you and may feel sorry about it but that’s unusual.

OP whilst it’s perfectly natural for you to be curious and enquire, at this point it’s just punishing yourself. You will find someone who puts you first but first you need to look within at why you accepted shoddy treatment in the first place.

Sn0tnose · 28/12/2020 15:57

It could be because he has grown up, or it could be that he’s trying to make her think that he’s a real catch, or it could be because he really likes her, or it could be because she doesn’t tolerate any of his shit. Or it could be a combination of all. You need to stop wondering which it is because you’ll never know and all that is happening is that you’re feeling shit.

Just keep telling yourself that he might be playing Mr Perfect now, but you know the sort of behaviour he is capable of. He’s not your problem any more. Thank your lucky stars that he isn’t in your life, making you miserable anymore.

PhatPhanny · 28/12/2020 16:02

You don't know what its like behind closed doors.

So unless your stalking him, your seeing this, where? Facebook? Social media?

Block them both and get on with your life

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2020 16:02

OP - I've just had a brief read of your other posts.

This ex is actually the close friend you have been posting about regularly since you broke up last year. He has not treated you well as a friend so he clearly sees you as his "filler" for when he has nothing else on. Every post shows how much he does NOT want to be with you. Please re-read your own words about his behaviour towards you.

Please go and get some counselling as this hanging on to him and obsessing is not normal behaviour a year after you broke up. Your post about him this Nov shows how badly he treats you as a friend - why the hell would you want him as a partner?

SandyY2K · 28/12/2020 16:02

I was also going to ask how you know all this.

In life, people get away with what they can. Perhaps his new GF isn't willing to put up with poor treatment. I would also say people show their best side in the early stages...though it doesn't sound like he was ever particularly great with you. In which case...why did you tolerate it?

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/12/2020 16:05

It’s one of three possibilities

  • he’s learned his mistakes from how he treated you and has improved
-he’s on his best behaviour and the mask will slip
  • he just wasn’t that in to you, but he is head over heels for new girlfriend

But ultimately, it doesn’t matter. You two are over and he’s not good for you.

knittingaddict · 28/12/2020 16:06

You can't be over him if you know this much about his new relationship an, what you do know, bothers you so much.

My daughter had an 11 year relationship, was married for 8 years, had two children with him and knows less about his current girlfriend than you know about this man and his new relationship. The difference being that she was definitely over him when she left. This is not healthy op.

jessstan1 · 28/12/2020 16:15

@Bronzino

I won’t ask how you know all this... It really it doesn’t matter what he’s up to, you’ve lost nothing good here. Let him go.
Yes, that.

It's over. People are different in different company, that is life (& doesn't always last), but it is no reflection on you. You were just ill suited. Put it down to experience and move on.

Flowers
Meowchickameowmeow · 28/12/2020 16:16

How do you know so much about what he's doing?

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2020 16:19

@Meowchickameowmeow

How do you know so much about what he's doing?
Because her ex is the "close friend" she has been posting on MN about for the last 13 months.

So NOT over him at all. He was just not that into OP, sadly,.

slashlover · 28/12/2020 16:20

OP, you've been told in previous posts that you need to separate yourself from him. You were thinking about getting back together with him in July which didn't work out and then he treated you badly in November.

You need to stay away from each other.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 28/12/2020 16:21

You sound a little crazy OP. Yabu.

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/12/2020 16:21

He wasn't that into you OP.Xmas Sad He is really into his new girlfriend, they are a better match and that's OK.

He's moved on, it's time for you to do the same.Brew

dottiedodah · 28/12/2020 16:25

Sometimes the more effort we make ,and the more we keep on giving the more the buggers will keep on taking! Maybe the new girl is less tolerant than you were .In any case he treated you badly, so why give a damn? Just have a nice time casual dating ATM and when you meet a nicer guy will remember why hes an ex!

M0rT · 28/12/2020 16:25

I said YANBU because I understand how hurtful it is to see a person treat you less well then someone else.
But I try to take the lesson from it, on the whole people treat us as we let them.
Next time you start seeing someone and they make no effort dump them.

Sinful8 · 28/12/2020 16:29

@Magicra84

I broke up with my ex last November. So more than a year ago. When we were together he massively lacked effort. He didn't take me on dates unless they were to free places and in the whole time we were together he only stayed at my house once despite me asking him numerous times. It was always me that had to make the effort to go and stay at his and in the morning after he would always be doing something early so I'd have to leave. His ex, the mother of his child, constantly texted and called too in mallicious way so to get in the way of our time together, so we got no time alone without interruptions.

Now he's met a new girlfriend and it's really thrown me. I am over him but still i feel really sad. I feel sad that he makes an effort to go and stay at hers loads and generally seems spends a lot of time with her. I feel it's really unfair and I want to hit out at him for the way he treated me and the lack of effort. Aibu?

People change, sometimes its for the better.

But people here seem obsessed with the idea that personal growth is impossible.

Meowchickameowmeow · 28/12/2020 16:30

Because her ex is the "close friend" she has been posting on MN about for the last 13 months.

So NOT over him at all. He was just not that into OP, sadly,.

I haven't been here long so haven't read the other threads.

Turkeyandcranberrysauce · 28/12/2020 16:31

Two words.

Honeymoon period

oakleaffy · 28/12/2020 16:33

@Magicra84
They are in the romance phase.

It may be he is into her a lot at the moment, but if he is at all narcissistic, he will be love bombing, then when he gets bored he will begin to devalue her.
Chap on you tube called “
Tudor” does a lot about narcissistic partners..

Have a listen, you haven’t missed out. 🙂

Butterymuffin · 28/12/2020 16:34

The issue with the mother of his child won't have gone away. So new girlfriend will still be dealing with that.

peaceanddove · 28/12/2020 16:35

I must have said this a million times, But men aren't afraid of commitment, they're just afraid of commitment to the wrong woman

He wasn't that into you, that's all. Not your fault, or his. Now he has found someone he wants to spend all his time with. It's time you move on with your life and find the same Smile

diddl · 28/12/2020 16:37

If he was so awful, how did you even stay with him long enough to have any feelings for him?

oakleaffy · 28/12/2020 16:38

@Magicra84

If it goes tits up with new girlfriend, chances are he will come sniffing round again.

Do NOT engage if so.

I dated a handsome but very narcissistic man and when he came sniffing round after the new love of his life was unfaithful- I wouldn’t engage at all.

Felt much better for it.🙂 DON’T retaliate!
Ignore.
Retaliation and revenge shows you CARE.

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