To think step-children get a hugely bad deal

[w0rkout]

My thread is being deleted. This thread is hopefully a place to talk about how rubbish it is being a step child.

@Nnkk I've never said anything about people in abusive relationships!!!! Fuck's sake. Read.

Then 'children of divorced parents have a hugely bad deal, plus step parents sometimes don't help'

Yes, I actually think that's much fairer (Although you still can't generalise that all children of divorce have a hugely bad deal - I didn't).

But at least your recognising where the problems you experienced actually came from.

some children of divorced parents have a hugely bad deal, plus step parents sometimes don't help'

There. Fixed it.

Being a step child was shit for me and still is to some extent even in my 40s. I'm now in this bizarre situation where my step mum (who is/was an utter bitch) relies on me a bit since my dad died.

I'm finding it really hard as part of me just wants to say fk off and have nothing to do with her or her kids, as they weren't nice to me when I was a child (not abusive but probably mentally abusive to some extent, and I was 13 when she met my dad). But the other part of me feels too guilty to do that. It does seem weird though that all the 'love' I'm getting now I could've really done with when i was much younger rather than now I'm in my 40s. Seems somewhat convenient particularly as I'm now much more useful (ie helping with shopping trips, house help etc)

My step dad isn't a dream parent either but that's a whole other story

You're recognising**

[quote w0rkout]@Nnkk I've never said anything about people in abusive relationships!!!! Fuck's sake. Read. [/quote]
So you’re “you made ya bed” ? What was that?

My children had all those issues in the list. And there was NONE of it my fault. I didn’t date. I didn’t make them have step siblings.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

some children of divorced parents have a hugely bad deal, plus step parents sometimes don't help'

There. Fixed it.

Would you say it's an ideal set up though?

My DSis is a stepmum and her DH was the resident parent while her DSS was growing up. She was therefore his main carer through his teens, and she’s always loved him as much as the 3 DC she had with her DH afterwards (2 bio DC and one adopted).

We always treated him the same as our other DNieces and DNephews. My DM is Granny to him as well. My DD1 (11) has always adored him.

Now he’s an adult, and married with his own DC. He’s in the army.

I think it worked out well because the adults in his life made sure it did. His mum became more involved in his life later and she and my DSis worked well together. There was no game playing, they just wanted to make it work for all the DC.

@dontdisturbmenow

Again you're ignoring the other child in the situation though aren't you? Why is that? What other child? This about step children and their experience resulting from going from one family to another. Children of one household don't have these issues. They might have other issues, but not that one.

Step children aren't allowed a whole thread to themselves where they have their difficulties recognised.

The children of some divorced parents sometimes have a hugely bad deal and step parents don’t help.

And you need to recognise that in abusive situations leaving and separating is the right thing to do.

Unless you think I should just have carried on modelling an atrocious relationship to my kids?

Ideal? Is anything?

It's not ideal having two parents live together who don't really like eachother. Shit happens. You make the best of it.
Does anyone aim for divorce? Course not. Is it sometimes the best decision for all involved? Absolutely.

I’ll pull the pin and throw the Grenade.

I’m a step child, but not from a broken home my father doesn’t exist apart from a name my step farther is my only father since before I even remember I didn’t move between houses or any of that.

I would never myself inflict a step family onto my children.

You see my half sibling is the god who walks upon earth. I am the child who will never amount to anything is no good at anything and never will be. I’m the child who by merely looking at something would cause it to break with my mystical powers. I’m the child who’s stupid and naughty. The child who even when passing every test set still won’t stick it out so what’s the point. I’m just bad.

I’m now the adult who runs her own company, has her own house and is married with children. While my half sibling still lives at home after failed engagements and when isn’t working is playing video games 24/7 but they are still the god while I am the family let down. The reason being they biologically belong to both my parents.

I’m the broken child who’s deep down a broken adult who will only ever disappoint and let people down so what’s the point, my parents would say we are a lovely family with no steps or half’s just us as a family.

Would you say it's an ideal set up though?

No. The ideal is having two parents who love each other, everyone is perfectly happy, no one cheats, no one is abusive, people don't fall out of love and so on...

It's unfortunately not where we live though. It happens all the time. It is experienced by millions of children. No it isn't ideal but life rarely is.

I'm not saying it doesn't matter. I actually don't think it's a problem having a space where children of divorced parents can talk about what they struggled with.

I just don't like the way it's been twisted into a step parent problem when it's not.

If you've accepted that now then as you were, I'll piss off!

Why do,you think I made the choice not to have a relationship until my children were adults?

Yet I’m being blamed for giving my children a hugely bad deal.

Absolutely nasty horrible thread that is built on a lie.

Would you say it's an ideal set up though?

What is? My mum died when I was 7, my dad raised me and my sisters - we were aged between 5-8 at the time. Ideal? Hardly.

My dad met my "step mum" when I was 12 ish. I struggled with the concept of it all and didn't want to even remotely think of her as step mum - as far as I was concerned my mum was gone. Ideal? Hardly. But my dad struggled by himself and as an adult I can see now the ways in which she helped. Would my Dad continuing to struggle alone have been ideal? Hardly.

The scenario suggested below about remaining in a "dead' marriage just for the kids sake. There are so many ways in which this can and does go wrong, that I wouldn't even know where to start. Ideal? Hardly.

The only ideal scenario is seems would be for 2 adults to have a child or children and remain madly in love and be good parents until the child turned 18. But this is such an idealistic scenario that rarely happens, isn't it. So people have to make the best of what they're dealing with, unfortunately.

Step children aren't allowed a whole thread to themselves where they have their difficulties recognised.

Ditto step mothers. You only have to look at the thread running "I'm an evil stepmother because ...", set up as a light hearted space to vent for step mums who find their lives challenging. It's inundated with negative and unsupportive comments.

If my mum and dad hadn't remarried most of my issues wouldn't exist.

So who's to blame? My parents, my step parents, or all?

I've said all. And I still think that's the case. Despite various posters trying to get me to change my mind.

@Nnkk none of this applies to you. So don't think it does.

@LouJ85

Step children aren't allowed a whole thread to themselves where they have their difficulties recognised.

Ditto step mothers. You only have to look at the thread running "I'm an evil stepmother because ...", set up as a light hearted space to vent for step mums who find their lives challenging. It's inundated with negative and unsupportive comments.

It's really not lighthearted though is it. It's fairly nasty.

@LouJ85

Step children aren't allowed a whole thread to themselves where they have their difficulties recognised.

Ditto step mothers. You only have to look at the thread running "I'm an evil stepmother because ...", set up as a light hearted space to vent for step mums who find their lives challenging. It's inundated with negative and unsupportive comments.

Yeah I saw that. Couldn't think of anything nice to say to "I didn't want them at our wedding..." etc so clicked straight back off it.

Would you say it's an ideal set up though?

No. I wouldn’t. Neither for me nor for my children.

But it was better than being coercively controlled, belittled and more. Except it wasn’t you see because we were married and I couldn’t prove it and he had needs and who would believe me anyway.

It’s not ideal. But it was the best I could do.

The ideal would be for separated parents to put their children first and still work together. You don’t have to live together and make babies together to be in a happy relationship as adults. You choose that because it’s what you want while just going hey the child will love a younger sibling/extra siblings.

Yes younger siblings also happen in homes where parents are together but that isn’t an added stresser on top of separated parents and that’s the minor often overlooked technicality. Just because extra siblings may happen in a biological nuclear family doesn’t mean that it happening in a separated family is the same with the same feelings.

Couldn't think of anything nice to say to "I didn't want them at our wedding..." etc so clicked straight back off it.

... Which is clearly a snippet of someone's comment which likely has a humongously relevant backstory. Decontextualised examples aren't helpful.